Was she a terrible hostess, or was I a rude guest?

[PeopleAreAllWeveGot]

Im hoping someone might be able to help me to understand something that’s been really bothering me for almost a year now, whenever I think of it. I’ve name changed but long time member (penis beaker, cancel the cheque etc).

Last year, my dh and I went to stay with a Uni friend of his and his wife, & 2 kids.

I had met his mate a few times and he was nice. They’d been at our wedding but aside from brief hellos and thanks for coming I hadn’t spoken to his wife much.

I’d had our third child 3 months before we visited, so was feeling pretty fuzzy the entire time, but I can’t stop thinking about how awful his wife was to me when we were there! Whenever it pops into my head I wonder how I could have handled it better. And also whether I somehow misread the situation.

Mi dh had last visited them 10 years earlier, around the time I met him. I’d heard all about this trip, and the fact he’d chatted up a girl in a bar there and she’d not been interested (we were friends when we first got to know each other, because his long term ex had hurt him badly and he didn’t want to get serious too soon. Massively overshared with each other, but that’s another thread). It wasn’t a huge deal, he was talking about other girls he’d been chatting up in the next breath (!) And then a few months later, after i’d put a stop to the “friendship” and he’d done a bit of dating with others, he got back in touch and we ended up together. Now been married many years.

Anyway, back to this woman. Literally the first thing she spoke about, in front of some of their extended family who were there, was his last visit. But it was ALL about this girl he’d chatted up. She knew who the girl was from her husband (they live in a very small place). And she made a point of finding the girls picture online (local businessman’s daughter it seems) and showing everyone there while saying repetitively and loudly “she is totally out of your league! No wonder you didn’t get anywhere!!!”. She showed me the picture too, anything else would have been rude 😳 I was sort of “ah yes she’s lovely”, in a bemused way. She did say “not that you’re in his league. But you’ve just had a baby so...”

I thought that was probably just a bit of an unguarded weird moment from the wife. But over the course of a 3 night stay, she literally made a point of telling me 3 times that she’d really really liked Dh’s ex (who she had met just once at their wedding 12 years ago, and who’s name she had forgotten). Like REALLY lovely girl. She REALLY REALLY liked her. Ive net the girl and she’s very nice. I have nothing against her. It just felt so so over the tip and fake coming from this woman, especially as she genuinely had to be reminded the first time she said it who the ex was, what she looked like, and what her name was.

She was an amazing host to my kids and husband, like outstandingly welcoming and lovely. She is an incredible cook. She took us to meet their friends, and made efforts to keep us entertained. Their home was immaculate. There was just this glitch in the matrix when it came to me!

Honestly, I got the feeling she was actively trying to make me feel like crap. We were guests so of course I was just friendly and didn’t respond to the strange comments.

One morning my husband let me sleep in while he took the baby and the two kids on a walk. Friends wife made a hugely pointed comment when I came downstairs at 10, I can’t remember what it was but I got the very strong impression she thought I was the rudest guest in existence because I hadn’t woken early. Is it terrifically rude to sleep in when ones a guest? I wouldn’t usually do it, ever, but I was exhausted with the baby and it was such a lovely holiday treat I let it happen.

Basically when we left I felt so relieved never to have to see this woman again. But every few months the trip pops into my head and the full horror of it washes over me. AIBU for feeling like this? It makes me want to message her and say “that was a really tough time, and I can’t believe anyone would be such a bitch! Is it because I was huge and exhausted and you saw someone weak to prod? Because that makes you evil.” But obviously I won’t.

So, AIBU for thinking she was being bitchy? Or are these normal things to say and I was exhausted and being overly sensitive? Is it so rude for a guest to lie in, that they deserve to be put in their place? If she WAS being a cow, why would someone do that?

I wonder why you still find it so upsetting after a year. Did it hit a nerve? Did you use to get bullied in school or something?

Did she expect you to be on duty and at attention from 7am, entertaining her? If so, why wasn't she equally annoyed with your DH, who was also absent during those hours?
Maybe she was pissed off that because OP hadn't got up, she had to stay in, hovering about wondering whether to clear away the breakfast things or not, not knowing how long she was going to have to stay in. She had to be on duty, ready to entertain OP at any moment.

My ex-inlaws used to go on and on endlessly if you got up any later than 9. Glad to see that others think it's annoying!

Sounds like it’s not about you, but about an odd dynamic between this woman and your DH from way back. You just got caught in the cross fire.

What's your DH's view. I'm old so she'd be struck off the Christmas Card list. DD would block her on social media.

Or was it because, as your dh was the one who knew them, he should have "defended" you, but he just left you to it, and let this woman keep going on about his exes?

I feel you. The 5th time I met the inlaws -they were bitches from the 1st time. But the 5th time I was pregnant and had severe morning sickness and had just come out of hospital -where I had been on a drip for 2 weeks. Because we didn't want to tell anyone about the pregnancy we told them it was for stomach problems, as I was having serious bouts of IBS as well. But on the Friday night we arrived for this "family weekend away" in a hired cottage- they knew that I had just come out of hospital and insisted I came. I spent the weekend in a haze -but yes I was often up at 9.30 -10am and to whispered bitchy comment. They didn't know I was pregnant but they had been told I had been in hospital for 2 weeks -she then turned away from me and muttered loudly 'what a lazy cow' -later it came out I was pregnant and she blamed me saying "if I had known that wouldn't have been an issue" -you know what there bloody well would of been an issue no matter what they knew I had been in hospital for 2 weeks prior. Chalk it up she's a bitch. You can go over it all you like -why? What did I ever do to her? Accept this is not about you -it's her. You will never know. Maybe she is going through her own issues and wanted to make you feel crap to make herself feel better. Why didn't your DH call her out on it? Totally possible to be a bitch (male or female) and be a good cook etc -you can not ever fanthom why someone behaves the way they do -accept they have free will and so do you. In fact a lot of bullies only target one person at a time. If you are invited again -either call her out on it prior, or don't go, or stand up to it. I found asking 'Can you repeat that again please?' and a pause very valuable. If they have to balls to repeat it 'Why are you saying this? What do you hope to gain?' -a family member was a bit of a bitch to me and ignored my DC2 for a while -and she's still a bit off them and DC after a number of years. I always found it upsetting -what'ss her bloody problem she has a son. I've only just found out she had 2 late terminations after her DC1 and then a full hystectomy after she lost the second one at 20 weeks due to massive issues. I'd never mention it -she doesn't mention it and I found out through a third party that thought I knew. I can now understand why she doesn't want much to do with the younger ones -it's not right but I get it. Likewise the kids have Auntie L she works in the military and she always sleeps in to 11am as she's bloody exhausted and she says when she comes here it's like a stress switch goes off. It's fine. We potter around and she gets up for lunch. But if it bothers you so much -write her a letter and burn it. Don't send it. But if she's friends with you on FB or whatever- block her!

I think maybe she hadnt wanted to host anyone and was railroaded into it, but no reason to be such a cow to you

So your husband hadn't visited them for 10yrs, you stayed on the way to somewhere else & she did all the looking after?

Presumably your husband takes the kids & baby out when you're at home so you can catch up with sleep?

That could have come across as a bit of a piss take on his part-ie you get a lie in when someone else is feeding & clearing up after him & the kids!

That's not on you though.

On the staying-in-bed thing, I feel flattered if a guest sleeps 'late' (whatever that is; 10 is not a big scandal AFAIC). It means they find my house/bed comfortable!

@ravenmum, no need for her to have "hovered" if she had places to be. Anyone with half a wit could leave something out or a note telling the OP where to find the bread/cereal and to help herself.

@Branleuse

I think maybe she hadnt wanted to host anyone and was railroaded into it, but no reason to be such a cow to you

That probably sums the whole thing up!

Agree with everyone else. She was pointedly horrible to you but covered it up by being extra nice to your dh and kids.
She was in fact so bitchy.
I would message and tell her exactly what you feel. Why should you keep quiet and let her get away with it? I doubt they are a huge part of your life that you will miss if you never speak to them again? So why not let her know and If that ends the relationship then so be it. At least you can put this to bed.

Reminds me of my DH’s former friend. Like others I suspect it’s about you being an outsider to this group. DH’s friends were all in the same grad scheme and several dated with some marrying within the group. I don’t think it was jealousy about fancying DH, but about ownership of him as a friend. You aren’t part of the clique and she was making sure you knew.

You are lucky you aren’t more local. We ended up being ‘friends’ for a few years but the sense she was being weird never went away. It fucked with my head, telling me her deepest secrets one minute and the other being off and judgemental about me. DH couldn’t really spot it or evidence it strongly enough to challenge it...until she started encouraging him to spilt while I was suffering bad PND. She loved being hostess but making you feel bad and indebted, although rarely made the effort to visit us so we weren’t able to host them in return.

Keep clear and know it is about her and not about you.

Some really harsh comments.

I get you.

I went on a girls weekend away with some friends and for some reasons only the girls was vile to me. She turned her back on me constantly, ignored me.. tried to arrange to meet up again without me by saying over the dinner table we should so this again next year just the 5 of us... we went as a group of 6 it got so bad that one of my friends had a word with her and she played all innocent but had made it very obvious even to the others what she was doing.

She was a friend and I never knew what I had done the only thing I can think is that one of our mutual friends was closer to me than her and
May have been a bit of jealousy there. She really made me doubt myself the entire weekend.

It was so bizarre and I literally felt a weight off my shoulders went she got out of the taxi after our trip.

At the end of the day let it go... don't give her anymore headspace you haven't got to see her again and even if you do you haven't got to give her the time of day. Some people are toxic.

#one of the girls not only

She sounds a bit socially awkward. It's possible that right now, she is thinking "oh god I'm still so embarrassed about the time those uni friends visited last year, I was trying to be funny and fit in but it came out all wrong". Or it's possible that she is mean.

Try to stop thinking about it. Which I know isn't easy. I'm still thinking about the time 5 years ago someone said "hi" and I said "good thanks!".

I know only about 3 pps have endorsed sending a text but do not even consider this! It will sound absolutely ridiculous and you will be cringing about it 20 years from now.

I don't think she sounds socially awkward, I think she sounds jealous
She wanted to put you in your place and demonstrate how well she knows your DH, is part of his history. It sounds like she puts all women down and wants to be loved, best mates, with the blokes and not happy that your DH has moved on
She sounds horrible. Never stay with her again

I think it might have been a combination of her doing everything for you guys (rather than sharing the load with her DH) and your DH showing you more consideration than her (eg giving you lie ins) because of the birth, when, in her eyes as you were going on to a holiday you were perfectly able to get on with it. There might have also been a bit of misogyny in that she probably expected you to do more than you did.

I agree that you need to stop thinking about this now. What’s done is done.

Op, can I ask this gently, but did you offer to help? Did your husband? Take them gifts as a thank you or offer to take them out to dinner or contribute?

I find a lot of females expect female guests to help. And can be quite passive aggressive if they feel they don’t and just sit back and accept hospitality.

I also wonder if she was going on about what happened ten years ago as it was the only thing she could comment on that was in common. Ten years is a long time. Maybe she felt she was trying to be humorous and it got off on the wrong foot. It can be uncomfortable having people you basically don’t know come to stay.

I’d also say having five people to stay inc three kids is a lot of work, particularly for so long. And maybe it was against her better judgement, Ie you were swayed by your husband and so was she.

She was maybe trying to connect on the first night, with a shared experience and you took offence and with drew and it kind of went wrong from there.

Anyone with half a wit could leave something out or a note telling the OP where to find the bread/cereal and to help herself.
Everyone's different. If I was playing the part of the host, with someone I didn't know well, I'd feel obliged to wait until she got up, rather than going out with the others or just going off shopping.

Bluntness, the OP has addressed that:

'And I was offering to help with making food, setting table etc- asking if there's anything I can do. I wasn't just swanning about laying around and being waited on!'

Madness that people think it’s rude to stay in bed till 10am. If you’re tired, you’re tired. You do not have to get up even if you hadn’t just had a baby, you’re an adult for gods sakes. FYI; I’m a very early riser because it makes the most of the day, but no judgement about anyone who sleeps later. It’s up to them. If you had organised breakfast or to go out and everyone was waiting for you, fine, but they weren’t so it’s perfectly reasonable.

People are so offended by daft things! You did nothing wrong, try and forget about the whole thing.

That does sound strange from her - but didn't you do anything to stop it? You say she mentioned it 3 times, even the first time I'd have been like "Ha ha and now you're stuck with me instead! Must be a let down for you" Hard stare.

I don't think your lie in was rude, 10am isn't late, it didn't hold anything up. Personally I would want a friend to have a lie in if they could especially when they had a young baby.

I had a new mother staying with me I'd be sending her back to bed and asking if she'd like breakfast in bed! She sounds very unkind.

Me too, I'd probably still be in bed or at least PJs myself.

OP don't let her rent space in your head, def don't send any text, I just think she was resentful of her DH getting her to host and martyr to the cause, she made you suffer.

I don’t think she sounds socially awkward, I think she sounds like an arsehole

Bloody hell, I’d have gone nuts having 5 people stay for 3 days! Tbh, I would have said no to going anywhere to stay 3 months post partum, surely you were in no fit state?