Was she a terrible hostess, or was I a rude guest?

[PeopleAreAllWeveGot]

Im hoping someone might be able to help me to understand something that’s been really bothering me for almost a year now, whenever I think of it. I’ve name changed but long time member (penis beaker, cancel the cheque etc).

Last year, my dh and I went to stay with a Uni friend of his and his wife, & 2 kids.

I had met his mate a few times and he was nice. They’d been at our wedding but aside from brief hellos and thanks for coming I hadn’t spoken to his wife much.

I’d had our third child 3 months before we visited, so was feeling pretty fuzzy the entire time, but I can’t stop thinking about how awful his wife was to me when we were there! Whenever it pops into my head I wonder how I could have handled it better. And also whether I somehow misread the situation.

Mi dh had last visited them 10 years earlier, around the time I met him. I’d heard all about this trip, and the fact he’d chatted up a girl in a bar there and she’d not been interested (we were friends when we first got to know each other, because his long term ex had hurt him badly and he didn’t want to get serious too soon. Massively overshared with each other, but that’s another thread). It wasn’t a huge deal, he was talking about other girls he’d been chatting up in the next breath (!) And then a few months later, after i’d put a stop to the “friendship” and he’d done a bit of dating with others, he got back in touch and we ended up together. Now been married many years.

Anyway, back to this woman. Literally the first thing she spoke about, in front of some of their extended family who were there, was his last visit. But it was ALL about this girl he’d chatted up. She knew who the girl was from her husband (they live in a very small place). And she made a point of finding the girls picture online (local businessman’s daughter it seems) and showing everyone there while saying repetitively and loudly “she is totally out of your league! No wonder you didn’t get anywhere!!!”. She showed me the picture too, anything else would have been rude 😳 I was sort of “ah yes she’s lovely”, in a bemused way. She did say “not that you’re in his league. But you’ve just had a baby so...”

I thought that was probably just a bit of an unguarded weird moment from the wife. But over the course of a 3 night stay, she literally made a point of telling me 3 times that she’d really really liked Dh’s ex (who she had met just once at their wedding 12 years ago, and who’s name she had forgotten). Like REALLY lovely girl. She REALLY REALLY liked her. Ive net the girl and she’s very nice. I have nothing against her. It just felt so so over the tip and fake coming from this woman, especially as she genuinely had to be reminded the first time she said it who the ex was, what she looked like, and what her name was.

She was an amazing host to my kids and husband, like outstandingly welcoming and lovely. She is an incredible cook. She took us to meet their friends, and made efforts to keep us entertained. Their home was immaculate. There was just this glitch in the matrix when it came to me!

Honestly, I got the feeling she was actively trying to make me feel like crap. We were guests so of course I was just friendly and didn’t respond to the strange comments.

One morning my husband let me sleep in while he took the baby and the two kids on a walk. Friends wife made a hugely pointed comment when I came downstairs at 10, I can’t remember what it was but I got the very strong impression she thought I was the rudest guest in existence because I hadn’t woken early. Is it terrifically rude to sleep in when ones a guest? I wouldn’t usually do it, ever, but I was exhausted with the baby and it was such a lovely holiday treat I let it happen.

Basically when we left I felt so relieved never to have to see this woman again. But every few months the trip pops into my head and the full horror of it washes over me. AIBU for feeling like this? It makes me want to message her and say “that was a really tough time, and I can’t believe anyone would be such a bitch! Is it because I was huge and exhausted and you saw someone weak to prod? Because that makes you evil.” But obviously I won’t.

So, AIBU for thinking she was being bitchy? Or are these normal things to say and I was exhausted and being overly sensitive? Is it so rude for a guest to lie in, that they deserve to be put in their place? If she WAS being a cow, why would someone do that?

She sounds rude and it's probably down to jealousy on her part.

You're never going to find your answers OP, I think you need to find a way to let it go and move on.
The woman behaved in a very rude and odd way, yes you didn't address it then but that was difficult as you were a guest and also in the post-baby stage.
That was then, this is now. Stop obsessing over that rude woman who isn't even a friend, she probably doesn't give it a thought.
Save your mental and emotional energy for when you might see her next, and how you want to deal with that.

My DH has friends like that. They all went to uni together and with the exception of 3 of the group - all married people from the same group of friends, or people with family connections to the group. (Yes - it’s weird!)

Needless to say, DH is one of the 3 who married outwith the group. I only moved to the university city after they had all graduated. The other two both moved away to different parts of the UK/world straight after uni. One of those two is his ex.

In 15 years of living in the same city and doing life with these people, I was never accepted by them and they constantly made references to his ex. Constantly harking back to uni days. Constantly recalling memories of ex and DH together.

The ridiculous thing is that his ex is a good friend of mine - we knew each other before either of us knew DH as we’re from the same home town, and we have stayed in touch. Myself and DH see her and her DH regularly and our DDs go to school together now that DH and I have moved back to my hometown. On the other hand - she hasn’t seen anyone else from the group in over 10 years and has no contact beyond the odd message on fb.

As I said once to a friend of mine, after yet another excruciating evening with the group, “those 4 years they spent at uni together will ALWAYS supersede the 15 DH and I have spent together. (As it was at the time - we’ve now been together 22 years) They will always consider themselves to know him better than I do, despite our long term relationship, marriage and children together. I can never compete with the rose tinted glasses through which they see their university life together.”

DH gradually became more and more aware of how they were treating me and as a result spent less and less time with the group. We moved away from the area a couple of years ago and I know we’ll never see any of them again and I am delighted.

I do think uni friends who stay close have a tendency to be weirdly territorial about incomers. It’s not the case with every group of friends obviously, but I have seen this pattern over and over again.

Be thankful that your DH recognised it and just choose to hold your head high and not spend time with them again.

(Oh, and no - you weren’t rude to sleep in until 10am. As PPs have said - your DC were cared for with no imposition on your hosts, and there was no time-specific plan for the day.)

X-post. You are entirely in the right but sod her, you won't have to talk to her again.

I'm amazed you brought three children (including a three month old) to stay in a strangers house for three nights?! The stress of that alone would have made the trip unbearable for me!

She does sound like an idiot with those comments. Some people love to put others down in order to feel important. It says more about her fragile self-esteem than anything about you.

10am is fine, any later and I'd possibly raise an eyebrow if I had things planned for the day/was working around naps for the DC etc. and wanted to get out early. I wouldn't comment though!

Try to forget her and just stay away from any visits in the future.

I think I'd probably ruminate over this too. It's disconcerting when someone is pointedly mean to you for no apparent reason, especially if they are not generally mean to everyone. I understand you reflecting on this OP.

It does sound like she didn't want to host and took it out on you. It also sounds like she's not nice about other women, so that explains it more.

Do they have kids themselves? I think that could create a weird dynamic too, for various reasons.

It strikes me that she was trying to make you feel left out, harping back to times past? Maybe insecurity or just wanting to stay in the 'then zone' rather than now? Not on to make you feel like that though and yes to giving her a swerve going forward. Who needs 'friends' like that?

@CrowdedHouseinQuarantine what has being physically huge got to do with it? Does it make this woman's behaviour better or worse if she was huge? Is lying in more or less acceptable based on your size?

Why do you think that doesn't appear goady? (Struggling to imagine any reasonable point to your question)

I'd send the text purely for my own feelings. To give myself closure (and to have the last word, childish, I know!)

It's a massive no-no to really discuss ex's and flings before a current partner/wife in my eyes. I'd be wondering what the fuck her problem was.

She was probably pissed off with hosting for three days. There is no mention of anyone other than her doing any of the hosting work. She is then taking it out passively against the other woman who is doing nothing and having lie ins. Some women think like that.I'd just forget about it.

[quote Sally872]@CrowdedHouseinQuarantine what has being physically huge got to do with it? Does it make this woman's behaviour better or worse if she was huge? Is lying in more or less acceptable based on your size?

Why do you think that doesn't appear goady? (Struggling to imagine any reasonable point to your question)[/quote]
op said she was huge

Did they have any children? Maybe she was jealous of you? She sounds awful though, try to put it out of your head, you didn't deserve it and she had her reasons, none of which were your fault. xx

Yes they have two kids.

And I was offering to help with making food, setting table etc- asking if there's anything I can do. I wasn't just swanning about laying around and being waited on!

Whatever her reasons, she is at fault and her attitude towards you is toxic.

I would advise not meeting up/going there again. No one needs toxic people in their lives - especially newborn mums. You need suppport and encourgagement.

Try and forget it about and move on. Put her in a toxic box and shut it firmly.

@Dougalthesyrianhamster

I'd send the text purely for my own feelings. To give myself closure (and to have the last word, childish, I know!)

Dont do this. It's a year later, you will look like a psycho and she'll tell all of your mutual friends.

She was in the wrong and you were not rude but the time to say something to her has passed.

@crowdedhouseinquarantine

Yes ok, OP said she was huge. So why are you asking "are you physically huge?" What is the point in that post? Either OP is or isn't but what is the point you are trying to clarify and what is the benefit?

She was very rude. I wonder if he husband invited you without telling her. Not that it excuses her behaviour but it might explain it a bit.

So it's not you, it's her

Yes she was definitely rude, weird, and bitchy.

It could be for any number of reasons that have nothing to do with you, but could it be linked to something her DH and/or her have got from your husband? Could he have complained about you at some point or confided something that inadvertently puts you in a bad light?

May well be nothing of the sort – you didn’t do anything wrong on this trip, and some people are just wankers or have their own unfathomable issues or agendas – but just wondering if that’s a possibility. To be honest, even then it’d be weird and unnecessary of her to carry on like that.

She sounds vile!!!

I’d have taken the kids out and let you both have a lie in.

She sounds vile, never go back there. I loathe immaculate homes anyway. I'd rather stay somewhere a bit shabby chic and relaxed with comfy sofas and floor cushions.

she was highly critical of every woman's appearance who came up. "Oh Shes the tiny one" "Shes the one with the strange hair" etc when describing. I was about 2/3 stone over my ok weight because I'd eaten all the cakes during pregnancy.

Ah. This is a type. I have two of these in my family alone. My sister being one of the worst culprits. Obsessed with appearance, utterly shallow and assigns worth to other women solely based on how pretty they are/how tiny their dress size/how immaculate their clothes are.

I've seen my sister fawn over beautiful women and try to get on their good side as well as sneer at less attractive or overweight women and use subtle put downs to make herself feel better. She has even done it to me when I gained weight a few years ago.

It's horrible and completely down to insecurity on her behalf. Steer clear of these types!

[quote Sally872]@crowdedhouseinquarantine

Yes ok, OP said she was huge. So why are you asking "are you physically huge?" What is the point in that post? Either OP is or isn't but what is the point you are trying to clarify and what is the benefit?[/quote]
Because op is ruminating on it, and i was wondering if the op felt so bad particularly for being huge that it is clouding her judgement ,
i am sad the op feels so bad about it, still

op, put it away, as said, mark it in a box of unhappy memory and give it no more thought.

She sounds like a bitch, and you did nothing wrong. Try and forget about it.

If anything, I'm getting vibes that she's jealous that YOU got DH and SHE didn't! I suspect a bit of a secret crush on your DH from her, but she's casting it onto this other random woman she can't even remember the name of from 12 years ago?! Hmm... That sounds unlikely!

If and when you get see her, be all over your DH like a rash, and see how she's reacts. ;)

@CrowdedHouseinQuarantine that is more reasonable than I expected. Perhaps it is better to be clear when asking such a sensitive question as many would assume you are being goady/mean.