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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says our DS4 will be bullied and it’s all my fault

134 replies

Babylifewife · 21/06/2020 22:59

DS is 4. He has a severe expressive and receptive language delay; as such he finds it very difficult to make and hold friendships beyond rough and tumble, running around, giggling, toy sharing etc, which isn’t enough at this age. He is starting school in September and I’m so worried that he will be excluded socially, as well as falling behind because he won’t be able to follow what the teacher says.
He is also a total mummy’s boy. He asks for cuddles all the time, he kisses me spontaneously, he tells me he loves me and he cosies up to me. He’s very apathetic towards DH. DH tells me tonight that he ‘will have the S* kicked out of him because of you (i.e. me) because you have made him soft and he will be crying for his mummy like a wuss’. So, I’m being blamed here for any impending bullying which I’m already fearing. It’s unfair and wrong isn’t it, motherly love and affection doesn’t turn a child into a bullying victim?

OP posts:
trilbydoll · 21/06/2020 23:06

From my observations at the classroom door, it's all the boys that have to be peeled off Mummy. 4yo are very self centred and disinterested in what others are doing, so don't worry too much about bullying at this age. Potentially some difficulty making friends but they're all at different stages in Reception, a lot of them don't make proper little friends until Y1.

gypsywater · 21/06/2020 23:09

Your husband sounds like an utter prick

TheTrollFairy · 21/06/2020 23:11

Charming way your DP is looking at his own son saying he’s going to get the shit kicked out of him!
He’s 4 and not at school, I think most kids at this age are very parent oriented, my DD adores her dad!

TBHno · 21/06/2020 23:13

You sound lovely. Smile

Your husband sounds like a total wanker. Toxic masculinity comes to mind.

PlanDeRaccordement · 21/06/2020 23:14

I hope your DH is only teasing!
And no, motherly love doesn’t cause bullying. Actually the opposite- it gives children the confidence to be adventurous and independent.

gypsywater · 21/06/2020 23:16

I'm so appalled at your husband saying that to you. You sound lovely and he sounds hideous.

Velvian · 21/06/2020 23:16

I think your DP is revealing his own insecurities in a dickish way.

Could it be because it's fathers day and he doesn't have much of a relationship with his son? That's on him. His son needs to feel safe and loved by him to go to him.

FreddoFrogAddict · 21/06/2020 23:16

Your DH sounds jealous of your relationship with your son and has found a way he can 'punish' both of you for your closeness.

BigBabyCat · 21/06/2020 23:19

Honestly it'll be fine.

My DD is now in year 1. When she started school last year she could hardly walk due to a physical issue and I was so worried she'd be excluded socially due to it. The other DCs in her class have adapted their games and she keeps up just as well as the others. Kids that age really don't see differences the way us adults do.

My DD has a good group of friends, but she also plays with most of the other DC. She loves school, I'm sure you're DS will too.

Sorocknroll · 21/06/2020 23:20

Was he bullied at school for being a mummy's boy so projecting?

Perhaps you need to show your son how to stick it to the bully by increasing what you are doing and showing your wonderful husband that you dont give a shiny shit what he think and that you love your son and he loves you and no bully will get in between you.

Etinox · 21/06/2020 23:20

Did you forget it was Father’s Day?
Joke, sort of because that’s a massively stupid thing only an utter arse in a strop would say
Flowers

SimonJT · 21/06/2020 23:22

Your husband is behaving like an idiot.

I have a five year old (well, in two days!), we’re always hugging, cuddling, kissing, holding hands, he has his back tickled to sleep and when he wakes up he always gets in bed with me.

Some children are physically affectionate, some aren’t, it has nothing to do with bullying, even if it did the only person to blame would be the bully.

Porridgeoat · 21/06/2020 23:28

I’m not sure good language skills necessarily equals good relationships. Just as poor language skills don’t equal poor relationships.

Also a child who feels loved, listened to and accepted by parents Is more likely to be resilient when life gets shitty.

It’s likely your DH is just a bit jealous

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 21/06/2020 23:29

We had a really really rough class at one point. Lovely children individually, but as a class they hated each other and fed off each other. One child in the class had(still has) significant SEN and was practically non verbal when they started reception. They were together for 6 years, but that child rarely had a bad word said to them,was included, they played together, invited to birthday parties , made some close friends etc. They made cards for the child and cried when he went to a SEN school. They still ask the child's mum how he is, how he's doing and some are still keeping in touch and having playdates.

Children can be incredibly cruel, they can also be very accepting and caring.

Yeahnahmum · 21/06/2020 23:30

He might struggle making friends as his language is delayed but this had 0 to go with you or the fact he is a mummy's boy. Your husband sounds like he just jealous of your relationship considering your kid wants nothing to do with his dad. Which is also not very nice at all. Perhaps push their relationship a bit. Closer I mean. Find ways for them to make their bond closer. For both of them this is very important. Imagine it the other way around...

And tell your husband to apologise for what he said. Or at least get a conversation started on your situation and how to proceed. X

Howdidido · 21/06/2020 23:30

5 year olds love hugs and cuddles. Boys and girls. I hope he loves hugs with you for many years to come.

He will finds his way to make friends and his teachers will help you and him. Talk about your concerns to his teacher and ask how you can help him prepare for school. It's so tough at the moment!
My brother still hugs my mum every time he sees her. Hes more affectionate and probably misses her more than me and our sisters. Hes a 35 year old 6ft6 ex-royal marine still-rugby player.
Tell your 'D' P hes an insecure prick and you hope his insecurities don't run off on your son so he grows up to be a dickhead like him x

HathorX · 21/06/2020 23:33

Of course YANBU! Your partner is a jerk.

Some children ARE more susceptible to bullying but the best remedy is for them to have secure attachment at home. You continue to provide a warm, safe space for your son - it's what he needs and deserves.

And if the s* gets kicked out of him, then straight into the headteacher because that is unacceptable at any age, but very disturbing aged 4 or 5. Foundation kids don't tend to beat each other up, my experience! They might play rough but very physical bullying is rare at this age.

They all change so much at primary school. Just tell your partner to hold his silly tongue and stop bothering you with his nonsense!

wowbutter · 21/06/2020 23:33

My six year old is like this. And always has been.
Cuddles, loves, all of that. He had a hard first year, and I keep him close,
At school he's a rough and tumble, leader type. At home he cries if you glare at him. He's gentle, and calm.

I hate it, but he is socialised into being an alpha male. It works for him.

Your husband is disgusting. And if mine said that to me about our son, I wouldn't be able to forgive it. I don't know if I would be able to continue to allow that man near me or our child

Flopjustwantscoffee · 21/06/2020 23:33

Hes FOUR, the other children are also going to be 4/5. What kind of hellish school does your partner envisage where 4/5 year olds roam free "kicking the shit out of each other"???

RedToothBrush · 21/06/2020 23:37

Your human is a sexist shit and this is toxic masculinity.

Your son is 4. 4 year olds love their Mummies.

This is all you need to know.

You have a problem with one male in your family. You can work out which it is for yourself.

wildcherries · 21/06/2020 23:38

DH tells me tonight that he ‘will have the S kicked out of him because of you (i.e. me) because you have made him soft and he will be crying for his mummy like a wuss’*

Does he always talk about his son in such an idiotic manner? Poor boy.

Regularsizedrudy · 21/06/2020 23:42

I doubt 4/5 year old are going to be doing much shit kicking. Hmm

It’s 2020 boys are nicer to each other these days, I wouldn’t worry about bullying until/unless it actually happens.

Why does your DH speak to you so disgustingly?

BlankTimes · 21/06/2020 23:45

He asks for cuddles all the time, he kisses me spontaneously, he tells me he loves me and he cosies up to me

That, alongside liking rough and tumble could be a sensory behaviour, have a read through this booklet and see if anything else rings a bell.
If not, don't give it a second thought.

www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?

QualityFeet · 21/06/2020 23:45

Mmm no wonder he is closer to you, sensible if him.
No child ever felt better for having fewer cuddles or less love. Children don’t judge this at all.

MrsAvocet · 21/06/2020 23:47

He is 4 for heaven's sake. It would be more of a worry in my opinion if he wasn't very attached to you at that age. Your husband's comments are ridiculous.
For what it's worth, both my teenage sons were very similar, and still give me lots spontaneous hugs and tell me that they love me. They are both lovely young men who bring me tea in bed in the morning every day, help me around the house and often come out on walks or bike rides with me and are happy to go at my pace even though they are way stronger and faster than me now. But it doesn't mean they aren't independent and neither of them has ever been bullied because of it. I agree with the the PP who said that a strong maternal (or paternal come to that) attachment gives children confidence, it doesn't hold them back in anyway. Your DS sounds fabulous and so do you. I hope he is still giving you cuddles for many years to come as he grows up to be a lovely, emotionally intelligent young man.