DH says our DS4 will be bullied and it’s all my fault

[Babylifewife]

DS is 4. He has a severe expressive and receptive language delay; as such he finds it very difficult to make and hold friendships beyond rough and tumble, running around, giggling, toy sharing etc, which isn’t enough at this age. He is starting school in September and I’m so worried that he will be excluded socially, as well as falling behind because he won’t be able to follow what the teacher says.
He is also a total mummy’s boy. He asks for cuddles all the time, he kisses me spontaneously, he tells me he loves me and he cosies up to me. He’s very apathetic towards DH. DH tells me tonight that he ‘will have the S* kicked out of him because of you (i.e. me) because you have made him soft and he will be crying for his mummy like a wuss’. So, I’m being blamed here for any impending bullying which I’m already fearing. It’s unfair and wrong isn’t it, motherly love and affection doesn’t turn a child into a bullying victim?

"D"H's attitude is disgusting.

DS1 has a high function of autism and masks pretty well, but is clearly quirky. When he started school, he was still catching up on a speech delay. He played alongside others but still not with them. He has always been well-liked and gradually has built a really secure best-friendship.
When I help in school, he's so pleased to see me and none of his friends bat an eyelid that he holds my hand or hugs me and kisses me despite now being 9. He's just accepted as a quirky individual.

DS2's class gained a pupil needing 1:1 support at the start of y1. They've been lovely at accepting an incomer with different needs and behaviours to them. He's gradually integrated more and has built up friendships, and the class are very protective and supportive of him.

Young children are very open minded and accepting of others (when not corrupted by stupid predjudiced adults)

OP please keep giving that wee boy all the love and comfort he needs. Because with a father like that stomping all over him he’s going to need every single drop of love from you he can get.

Your boy sounds absolutely normal for a four year old and when he starts school there will be others like him and some who cry, wet themselves and cling to the school railings when mum goes away. I'm not kidding you.

Husband will see that it all works out well, don't worry.

The bully here is your husband

Your husband sounds like a total wanker. Toxic masculinity comes to mind.
This exactly^^
Does he also subscribe to the "if a boy hits a girl he likes her" crap too

This is perfectly normal for boys particularly. Two words spring to mind about your husband jealous idiot.

Your husband sounds like scum. He is clearly jealous. All 4 year old boys are normally mummys boys. I'd worry if he wasn't. So your DH is suggesting what? That as a mother you act cold towards your son, and push him away? Is that what he is suggesting? Because will only make him retreat more. If he thinks 4 year old little boys care enough to 'kick the shit out of each other', then he is deluded. He sounds like one of those macho, sexist, violent men who expects boys to not cry and to be rough and bully girls. I'd be questioning what type of 'man' I am married to, to be honest. He sounds like a violent pos. It's no wonder your son isn't close to him. You can tell DH that it's HIS fault that his son goes to you more, children see through adults quite quickly.

I'm a TA at a primary school, and am fortunate enough to be able to observe the children closely, and get to know them really well. Often I end up working with children who have additional support needs. I PROMISE you that children are far more accepting than you think, and especially so at this young age! Your son will be absolutely fine

Your DH’s attitude stinks.

Does he do much with your DS? Would he sit down and read a book with him, or does he just do physical play with him?

Where can we find your OH so we can kick the shit out of him??

Why would you even listen to this? You are failing your kids being so fucking mailable.

OP, the more I think of it, the more I believe your 'D'H was a school bully himself who hasn't changed. No doubt he bullied and 'kicked the shit out of' boys who were different. And he still thinks it's ok to bully and torment boys who are not violent like him. I do wonder if you had seen this side of him before and just ignored the red flag (not blaming you, because we all often ignore a red flag or two sometimes)? Because sometimes school bullies grow and change as an adult. But most of the time, from experience, they just go on to be abusive work colleagues and husbands.

I wonder if he is the latter, that he really never saw anything wrong with how he treated kids/others growing up and continues to justify it to himself. Some may say a long bow to draw, but I genuinely don't think so. Experience has taught me most school bullies I knew haven't changed into adulthood. You may be learning only now that your husband was a school bully who still justifies his behaviour.

Either way, he doesn't sound like a pleasant person at all, and I think your son has his measure and is right to keep his distance from his own father.

Your husband sounds like a disaster of a man. No wonder your son doesn't care for him.

Your little boy sounds lovely and you sound like a really loving mum.

From what you have described, I am more concerned about the negative influence of your husband on your son than on your imagined fears for him in reception.

The anger at the close and loving relationship your lovely little boy has with you is an indication that your husband is a raging homophobe, completely toxic. He is the poster child for toxic masculinity.

He is projecting his own insecurity here. He needs to learn what it is to be a real man.

Twice in the last year where I live little boys have been beaten to death by fathers who believed they needed to be 'manned up'. One was a baby who didn't want anything to do with formula (he had been breastfed) but his father had all sorts of issues about baby boys breastfeeding, and one was almost 4 and liked to suck his thumb and play with his stuffed animals. Apparently, this was not acceptable.

Honestly, I weep for the world that still has to deal with monsters like that.

My son is a bit like that - he's never been bullied for it though.

FWIW - my son was immature in some ways at school starting age, so I kept him home an extra year - even though he'd have been one of the older kids for his grade. It made a big difference and now at 10 I am still glad that's what we did. It might be something to think about if your son just doesn't seem ready.

Your husband sounds jealous and I guess I would be too of my son wanted nothing to do with me. Still an arse thing to say. If his speech is so far behind- would a language unit be better?

Whatever you do don't try to break your son of his dependency on you. That is a bond that will naturally slacken as he gets older, but don't force it. My mother was a very reflective person and felt that she harmed my brother by trying to force him to be more independent when he was small.

He sounds horrible.

How much time does he spend with DS and what do they do?

I'm sure he'll be fine at school. Other kids are wonderfully accepting and kind. They're looking to make friends too!

I imagine you've already had his hearing tested?

Nothing wrong at all with lots of hugs and cuddles!

How much do you read to him from books? Lots of reading is great for everything. My kids loved the what's that game at around that age. A little bit older they would start it with what's that mummy? pointing at something. Sometimes I would guess the wrong thing on purpose and they would laugh and laugh. No mummy that's not a horse! That's a shoe! :)

Disgusting comments obviously.

Was your husband a bully or bullied at school? It sounds like the former tbh. But it may br coming from a place of fear.

Wow. Your husband is a prick. What’s his damage? Sounds like he perhaps didn’t have a lovely mum like you. Keep doing what you’re doing. Only in his mind is there something wrong with a little boy loving and needing his mummy. He’s 4! Wishing you well x

My son is the biggest wuss of all time. He is softer than a Victoria sponge. The school have consistently reported that he is extremely well liked because he’s very soft and kind towards the other children. I don’t know where your husband went to school but it’s general abnormal for a four year old to be tough.

Your post gave me the chills - your partner's attitude isn't just horrible and regressive, it's dangerous as pps have said. As your son gets older, please please look out for hints that his dad is trying to "toughen him up", which will cause long-term psychological damage to your son (if not worse).
That aside, you may find your son has no problems at all making friends at school. In academic and developmental terms my son is quite advanced (sorry, really wanky thing to say but relevant) but absolutely loves the sort of play you describe, and always makes a beeline for children who play in a really physical way. His best friend in reception speaks very little, and they mainly chase each other around giggling. From my limited experience a lot of boys (and to a lesser extent girls too) still play in very basic, physical ways at this age.

The only kids who are going to bully them about being attached (which they should be) to their mums or dads are the ones who have been taught the sort of bullshit your DH is spouting.
Boy need to have emotions and learn how to talk about them and express them just the same as girls are taught to.

If your son was a girl would their be an issue?

Is you DH the type to also tell you don to stop watching certain Tv shows (that he loves) because they are babyish?

Also to add, I have two young boys and they are often physically attached to me for large parts of the day, they sit on me,kiss me, cuddle me, get into my bed whenever they can - it's completely normal! Please please don't ever feel you should be pushing your son away or denying him affection "for his own good", especially given his difficulty expressing himself verbally. SN or not, young children need loving physical contact with the adults they love, it's essential for their well-being and development.

Your husband is jealous of your loving relationship with your son

OP - my dc was moderately language delayed when he started school. (this was over ten years ago so virtually impossible to start him a year later). It was absolutely fine - four year olds IME are too wrapped up in themselves and their adjustment to school to notice/bully for perceived difference. As another poster has pointed out, you might find that his friends turn out to be the very articulate kids - as they can fill in/work around any gaps in conversation! And although it feels like you are the only parent going through this, there will almost certainly be another kid in the class with language delay - reception teachers should be used to dealing with this.