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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says our DS4 will be bullied and it’s all my fault

134 replies

Babylifewife · 21/06/2020 22:59

DS is 4. He has a severe expressive and receptive language delay; as such he finds it very difficult to make and hold friendships beyond rough and tumble, running around, giggling, toy sharing etc, which isn’t enough at this age. He is starting school in September and I’m so worried that he will be excluded socially, as well as falling behind because he won’t be able to follow what the teacher says.
He is also a total mummy’s boy. He asks for cuddles all the time, he kisses me spontaneously, he tells me he loves me and he cosies up to me. He’s very apathetic towards DH. DH tells me tonight that he ‘will have the S* kicked out of him because of you (i.e. me) because you have made him soft and he will be crying for his mummy like a wuss’. So, I’m being blamed here for any impending bullying which I’m already fearing. It’s unfair and wrong isn’t it, motherly love and affection doesn’t turn a child into a bullying victim?

OP posts:
thirdfiddle · 21/06/2020 23:50

Your son sounds adorable, your husband less so. Being affectionate to your mum is in no way a social handicap! Both my kids were all about mum at that age, people told me they often change allegiance at 7, though not sure mine have as such - I still get lots if cuddles from 11 yr old SmileSmile tho he may be after something...

A huge amount of Reception is about learning to make friends and being kind and they get lots of help from the teachers in this. Bullying of 4 yr olds, honestly, did your DH go to school in the dark ages? If they have some issues, which does happen, it's most likely misunderstanding at that age, and staff are quick to help the children sort things out.

Just keep being positive about school to your son and talking to him about all the fun he's going to have. Trust the teachers to smoothe over any wobbles. Reception staff are used to it and brilliant at it.

Clymene · 21/06/2020 23:50

I take it your husband doesn't know many 4 year olds? Loads of them are super clingy

ProudMarys · 21/06/2020 23:50

He's four?! My youngest is four and very affectionate to me more than his dad lots of kids are at this age. But DH doesn't take it personally at all. Your husband sounds like he thinks your son should be a fitting in to a certain mould, and that kind of thinking is toxic. I'm sure he get on just fine at school and he feels loved and secure with you.

m0therofdragons · 21/06/2020 23:53

I’ve always witnessed independent girls marching into class and boys crying and being pulled from mums (not always but more often - dd2 spent year one sobbing every time I dropped her at school but we as totally fine when dh took her!).

Boys need cuddles! Plus, at 4 friendship is far more about doing an activity with another dc. Age 8 dds are struggling with zoom because they don’t really just chat. All their interaction up to lockdown was play based so I’ve been creating games they can play on zoom, or socially distanced activities. Friendships at age 4 are rarely deep and those that are seem to be more about the mums being friends and deciding their dc will be besties. It’s weird!

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 21/06/2020 23:54

Both my boys have been taken off me crying through nursery and their first year of school. It wears off eventually and neither of them were bullied for it.
If you don't think he is ready for school, have you discussed holding him back a year? If he's still only 4 it won't make much difference to him with regards to the age of his peers, but may make all the difference to his capability.

FeralUnicorn · 21/06/2020 23:55

My Lo is the same in the sense of being a mummy’s boy, honestly nothing to worry about. He will still rough and tumble with his sisters and anyone else for that matter! He is also due to start school come September.

I would tell your oh to do one though! He sounds jealous to me!

AllsortsofAwkward · 21/06/2020 23:55

Wow I have a 4 year old starting reception and he prefers his own company. He also loves to give me kisses and cuddles I would be disgusted if my dh spoke about him like you're dh has.

caringcarer · 21/06/2020 23:57

When my youngest ds was about 4 he asked if he could marry me. It is normal for a mother to have a close relationship with her children. Good job your son has you if his Dad is not good at showing love. Do not worry about bullying at school. Children learn to be inclusive in reception. It is usually only when they get older the bullying starts.

Starbuggy · 21/06/2020 23:59

He’s four! He’s supposed to be attached to you! I’d be more worried about a four year old who wasn’t affectionate with their mum than one who was “too affectionate”.

He certainly won’t be the only one needing to be peeled off their mum when he starts reception. And given most of the class won’t have been to nursery etc for the six months before starting school, I expect there will be even more clinging children than in other years.

Your son will be fine. He can share toys, which is important and sounds like he wants to be friends with other children, it’s just his language which makes it harder for him. But as PP have said, young children are often more accepting of each other’s differences than adults are.

Your husband on the other hand sounds like a dick. IF your son was to be bullied, it would be the fault of the bullies. Not your fault, not DS’s fault. Does your husband actually like your son? Because he sounds very quick to see the worst in him which is very sad.

ToBBQorNotToBBQ · 22/06/2020 00:01

Your son wont be bullied im sure. Mine had a severe speech sound delay (apraxia). Teachers had no clue what he was on about but the kids learnt his language. He was never bullied. Hes still mates with those kids who understood him when he was 5 but they are teens now.

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 22/06/2020 00:02

Your DS is 4!!!
Four.
They're so tiny at that age.
I have two DS's, one about to hit teens and other college age.
Your DH is being an utter knob.
The nearly teen still likes hugs.
DH tells me tonight that he ‘will have the S kicked out of him because of you (i.e. me) because you have made him soft and he will be crying for his mummy like a wuss’*
Sounds like your DH is the one with issues, not your child. WTF?!
A 4 year old crying for his mummy like a wuss, or a perfectly normal 4 year old doing perfectly normal 4 year old things?!
Your DH needs to look at himself and his upbringing in my opinion.

livefornaps · 22/06/2020 00:03

Your husband actually sounds deranged.
Just tell him if he"s so worried about the side-effects of your affection, then not to worry, because you will be witholding all of it from him forthwith.

He actually sounds a bit creepily jealous? I dunno, but his view of affection is clearly warped. I'd probably ditch him

PelicanDeuce · 22/06/2020 00:05

Kick your husband out.

Colom · 22/06/2020 00:06

What?! Christ Alice's he's only 4? Confused your husband sounds like a special sort of caveman.

If your DS has a speech delay would you not consider holding him back for a year? Another year at preschool might bring him on so that he's ready for school next year? If you think he really won't be able to understand the teacher then I would think it cruel to send him this year. Setting him up for failure and potentially starting negative associations with school. Is he going to get extra supports?

groundrightdown · 22/06/2020 00:07

OP, my son is also 4 and has severe communication issues. He is a 'mummies boy' and very affectionate and cuddly. He has never had any problems socialising in playschool/preschool. He will happily play with children he doesn't know in a playground or play centre.

I do wonder what other children his own age think when they talk to him and he doesn't talk back but I guess kids can be very accepting. He does interact, just not with words!

MadameMeursault · 22/06/2020 00:09

My DS was like yours. Plus he was a bit shy and I worried about him making friends. On his first school parents evening I was told he was “king of the playground”! He was super-popular. I think if your son is secure and feel loved it will help him to form relationships. Your DH on the other hand......

SinisterBumFacedCat · 22/06/2020 00:11

The bully here is your pathetic DH.

Bridecilla · 22/06/2020 00:14

Wow. My 8 year old is very loving - still climbs on my knee at every opportunity, says 'I love you' a lot, still likes a chimp carry (he's very light)

I tell him to always love fiercely - to wrap him arms round the world. Too many men don't because of dad's like that - calling them wusses

He's popular at school and not bullied.

PickAChew · 22/06/2020 00:16

Your DH has just told you that he is the sort of arsehole who would bully a child who is different. On top of that, he's the sort of arsehole who would blame the mother of his own child for any difficulties that child has.

Thatoneoverthere · 22/06/2020 00:20

I nannied for a boy who would cry if he couldn't see me at pick up and (despite the fact he had never once not been picked up on time, just pent up stress from holding it together all day) and when I went into class to assist he would have to sit next to me and if he wasn't in the group I was taking he would cry. He was an incredibly social kind caring kid with lot of friends and still is at 19.

DuineArBith · 22/06/2020 00:27

If your child has severe language delay, does he have an EHC Plan? If not, apply for one so that he has adequate support in school

Smallsteps88 · 22/06/2020 00:32
Sad

I hate that your son is going to live his life being subjected to his father.

Bodgedboxdye · 22/06/2020 00:34

Don’t worry, your son will be fine.

And with regards to your son being a mommy’s boy, most boys are. No1 cares, its 2020, not 1970. It doesn’t mean he isn’t going to make friends or cry for you. It’s crazy that being loved and cuddled is seen as making a boy soft. You carry on as you, eff your partner.

Also, the teacher will conduct the relevant help with regards to his speech and following what the teacher is saying. Don’t worry about it, he won’t be ostracised or made to feel different. Children don’t care. He’ll have friends and may have help in the classroom.

Xxx

Melia100 · 22/06/2020 00:37

Your child's father is a bully.

You're not. It is appropriate to give love and affection to a 4 year old.

Your child may struggle at school. This has nothing to do with the love you demonstrate for him. Your love is protective of him, not destructive.

Your DH, on the other hand, has toxic and destructive attitudes. You cannot 'toughen' ds out of his special needs.

You can do your best to ensure your ds has adequate support at school, and plenty of love and affection at home.

AlpineSnow · 22/06/2020 00:43

Blimey. Your son isn't going to a young offenders institution! What on earth school did your dh go to that he thinks KS1 is like that? I can think of two boys at my dcs' comp who ended up being cool kids who cried for weeks and weeks in reception. My dc are teenagers at the local comp and they've never "had the shit kicked out of them" and one of them's quite geeky and so are her friends. She never gets bothered at all by anyone. It's not the 70s any more when schools turned a blind eye to bullying as they thought it was character building or something!

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