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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH says our DS4 will be bullied and it’s all my fault

134 replies

Babylifewife · 21/06/2020 22:59

DS is 4. He has a severe expressive and receptive language delay; as such he finds it very difficult to make and hold friendships beyond rough and tumble, running around, giggling, toy sharing etc, which isn’t enough at this age. He is starting school in September and I’m so worried that he will be excluded socially, as well as falling behind because he won’t be able to follow what the teacher says.
He is also a total mummy’s boy. He asks for cuddles all the time, he kisses me spontaneously, he tells me he loves me and he cosies up to me. He’s very apathetic towards DH. DH tells me tonight that he ‘will have the S* kicked out of him because of you (i.e. me) because you have made him soft and he will be crying for his mummy like a wuss’. So, I’m being blamed here for any impending bullying which I’m already fearing. It’s unfair and wrong isn’t it, motherly love and affection doesn’t turn a child into a bullying victim?

OP posts:

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 22/06/2020 06:58

Awww bless you

My DS , now 16, had and has speech issues to this day despite intensive speech therapy . He was like your little boy as well Very loving, kisses and hugs ..
He has had some issues, I cannot deny that, but he shrugged that off. Most people he has met in life, including peers, have accepted whom he is .
He himself would respond with "Yes, I have speech problems but I am ok with that and its only a part of me"

Your husband sounds a prat .
for you

AssangesCat · 22/06/2020 07:04

Mine is like that and he's 11! No bullying issues, ever, despite moving from schools at age 7 from rural south of England to a city centre school in Edinburgh. I thought he might get picked on for having an English accent and strategically replaced the Thomas the Tank Engine pants in case that got him bullied. In fact his class mates couldn't have been more tolerant and welcoming. This will be his last week at primary and the closest thing to bullying that's happened is that I hear the P7 WhatsApp group can be a bit snarky.

LittleRa · 22/06/2020 07:14

How interesting that DS is “apathetic” towards DH, I wonder why...

OP, I’m a Year 1 teacher, I’ve also taught School Nursery and other older year groups and I’m the SENCO. Your relationship with your boy sounds completely normal and will not affect his friendships and relationships. Keep working on the speech, and get the support of SENCO and SALT if needed.

Aria2015 · 22/06/2020 07:14

Your husband doesn't sound very pleasant. I have a 4 year old 'mummy's boy'. He hasn't been bullied at school and from what I've seen, his behaviour towards me is much the same as a lot of the boys towards their mums. They all come bounding out of class armed with kisses and cuddles!

According to my sons teacher, he's also vocal about telling classmates I'm his best friend etc... and as far as I know they don't blink an eye. It's very normal and natural for small children (and your son is still very small) to be attached to one or both parents. I don't think you need to worry that his attachment to you will cause other children to bully him as they'll likely be just the same at this stage.

Keep loving your little boy and ignore your husband. It's very unsupportive of him to even imply you would be to blame for any future bullying. He sounds jealous of your bond with your son imo.

yellowgecko · 22/06/2020 07:17

OP when is your son's birthday? If he's summer born (1April to 31 Aug) you could consider asking for a deferral so he starts school the following year in reception aged 5 rather than aged 4. If YOU feel he isn't ready. You DH sounds very unsupportive.

My son is doing this as I don't think socially / emotionally he's ready and I think he'll benefit massively from another year of play and just being a little boy. There's an amazing Facebook support group, I can send you details

OneInEight · 22/06/2020 07:25

Suggest if anyone is helping to create a victim personality it is your DH. Perhaps he could engage more in getting your ds the support he will need at school - are services such as speech and language involved for instance and if you think he will struggle at school without additional support has your DH applied for additional help such as EHCP and approached the school to ask how they will help your son integrate into school given his difficulties.

Clutterbugsmum · 22/06/2020 07:27

Ignore you husband.

From what I've seen is children will just accept your DS for who he is, and others have said they adjust games so he can join in.

And as for DS being a mummy's boy. My mummy's boy is 11 and what with the Covid 19 and him going up to high school he's been more cuddly and been asking me to tuck him into bed. But when he out with out me then he just a 'normal' boy.

MigGril · 22/06/2020 07:28

He's 4, my DS had speach delay hardly talked at all at that age. Luckly he's older in the school year so was in nursery not school at that point. But has always been a very cuddly lovely boy, he makes lots of friends and is the one who doesn't end up in fights with the other children. He's never had any problem in school.

He's now year 4, the only issue we are having is he is sensitive and will get upset if things are not how he thinks they should be. School have said he needs to toughen up, which I think is mean as it's his personality. I'm trying a different approach, explaining that it's fine to be sad about things but getting really upset is an over reaction. Which it really is as it's often something very trivial. He's old enough to understand now.

LincolnshireYellowBelly · 22/06/2020 07:33

He’s just a little boy, and he will learn all of those skills. There will be some children far more advanced than him in social skills, but there will be lots who are the same stage.
It sounds like you’re doing a brilliant job!
Our school does brilliant parenting workshops. If yours does, it might be an idea to sign up...and send your husband. I think he sounds like he’s got very unrealistic expectations of his child.

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 22/06/2020 07:35

My DS also have big issues with receptive and expressive language. When he started school at 4, he couldn't answer the question what is your name.

I would say it's taken him longer to make friends because he can't necessarily respond to kids easily. But his classmates have been remarkably accepting and understanding and have bonded with him. 2 years on and he has some lovely friends - he genuinely missed them during lockdown.

Adults can learn a lot from young kids. They tend not to be easily phased by stuff....

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 22/06/2020 07:36

Also, your husband is talking out of his arse....

GameSetMatch · 22/06/2020 07:50

Your son sounds normal, my y1 son hugs and kisses his friends..... they all do. Your husband sounds awful!

thefishthatcouldwish · 22/06/2020 07:54

I think your DH needs to take a hard look at himself.

What an awful way to talk about his son.

Having a close bond to a parent is good.

Oysterbabe · 22/06/2020 07:57

Has your DH considered that your 4 year old might like him more if he wasn't such a cunt?

Standrewsschool · 22/06/2020 08:02

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your husband expressing concerns about potential bullying. All parents are worried whether their child will settle into school okay. However, the way he said it and the reasons given aren’t acceptable.

Sailingblue · 22/06/2020 08:03

Is he a summer born? And if so did you consider deferring? Your dh is being vile but our nursery have said that it’s often the younger boys that struggle more with the transition to school. If he does struggle he won’t be the only one.

Hmpher · 22/06/2020 08:20

Bloody hell, it is completely normal for your son to be attached to you in that way! He is four years old, that’s tiny. My son is the same age and totally the same in terms of his affection towards me. My eldest son was never so affectionate and I’m absolutely making the most of it while I can! We constantly talk about how much we love each other and have kisses and cuddles. He tells me how much he loves staying at home with me all the time and strokes my face and tells me I’m beautiful when I put him to bed. My husband thinks it’s adorable and is a bit jealous, if anything! My little boy also hugs and kisses his friends and they walk around holding hands in a little group. As far as I know, all of the parents think it’s very sweet.

And I know you will worry about his delays, but please try not to worry too much. You have no idea of the personalities of the other children in the class or even what issues they might have etc. One of my friends has a son a similar age to mine who doesn’t really speak and sometimes lashes out and bites. She is a great parent and has been very worried about it. My son found it a little confusing at first when we started meeting up because he didn’t really respond to things he said, but they found other ways to communicate and they have a great time playing together. My friend’s son bit his arm at one point (I think when he wanted to go to a different area and couldn’t verbalise it) which really upset my son, but he soon got over it and got back to playing because he’s only little and children this age don’t really hold a grudge or judge in the way that adults do. Just see what happens.

And something else which might be relevant in not assuming that children will be bullies - when my eldest son was at primary school they had an autism unit attached to the school so each class typically had a few children with autism, in varying degrees. I’m sure a lot of the parents would have been worried about their children fitting in/having friends and generally coping in a classroom environment. I particularly remember one of the boys in my son’s class because his classmates were so protective of him. His closest friend (who was one of the ‘cool boys’) would hold his hand whenever they weren’t sitting down in class, because he had a tendency to run off or do inappropriate things. He was never told to do that, he just decided to do it because he was his friend and he wanted to make sure he was ok. They walked up to the front together holding hands to collect their leavers certificates at the end of primary and it was lovely to see their bond. The NT boy was pretty badly behaved during the early years of school and I was surprised to see what a compassionate boy he actually turned out to be. The other children might surprise you.

DollyDaph10 · 22/06/2020 08:25

What an arse! You are your little boys safe haven and it’s lovely that he has such a close bond with you. I work with young children and IMO there’s no such thing as a ‘mummy’s boy.’ He’s 4, of course he wants cuddles with Mummy. Your DH needs to get out of the dark ages. As for the language delay, push and push again for support as language is really hard to work on after the age of 7. Other children are typically very supportive of each other at that age x

chubbyhotchoc · 22/06/2020 08:32

Most of them are quite babyish in reception. They don't really forge friendships too much at that stage either. More just playing alongside each other.

FishAreAcquaintancesNotFood · 22/06/2020 08:39

He sounds pretty normal for four. Your husband sounds like a shit though.

zdjg · 22/06/2020 08:40

Your husband sounds very rude!
My 4 year old is very cuddly and loving boys love their mommas!

FishAreAcquaintancesNotFood · 22/06/2020 08:42

I'm trying to imagine this tough as nails school where the four year olds will rip you apart for hugging your mum.

ToelessPobble · 22/06/2020 08:44

Your husband sounds to be pushing his insecurities over your son's development on to you. If he can blame the speech delay on your attachment to him and blame you for his fears over what will happen to your son at school it means that instead of dealing with the fear or guilt he can try to convince himself it isn't his fault, whether genetics or that fear that he has failed (or is seen as having failed by others) as his son isn't as good as his peers at those things. Obviously it is nobody's fault and your son is wonderful as he is. He will probably be defensive and unwilling to talk about it. But that does not mean that it is ok to speak to you like that or say those things.

You are doing completely the right thing to let your child hug you as much as he wants. Primary school kids tend to take things in their stride and be accepting of "difference" and there is A LOT of physical play and chasing still. If you haven't got an EHCP push for one in reception as year one can be a bit more challenging learning wise.

Booboostwo · 22/06/2020 08:46

Just want to add to the chorus that it is your DH who is the problem. He is trying to pass on his toxic views on masculinity to your son and criticize you on the way.

Many 4yo find the first days/weeks at school tough, they are very young and it is a difficult transition. Many other children will face the same difficulties leaving their parents. Maybe the reason your DS is not as attached to your DH is your DH's emotional immaturity? Your DH is emotionally stunted which explains a lot about his attitudes.

Children who are affectionate and able to express their emotions may be more emotionally mature and may find it easier to cope with emotional challenges later on. So cuddle away.

Finally, many children have communication difficulties at that age for a variety of reasons including shyness and having to learn a new language at school. Your DS won't be the first child who needs a bit of help in this respect, his teachers will know what to do.

FromMarch2020 · 22/06/2020 08:46

Wow a husband you have there. Is he like this about other things? Is he abusive towards him/you.

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