DH says our DS4 will be bullied and it’s all my fault

[Babylifewife]

DS is 4. He has a severe expressive and receptive language delay; as such he finds it very difficult to make and hold friendships beyond rough and tumble, running around, giggling, toy sharing etc, which isn’t enough at this age. He is starting school in September and I’m so worried that he will be excluded socially, as well as falling behind because he won’t be able to follow what the teacher says.
He is also a total mummy’s boy. He asks for cuddles all the time, he kisses me spontaneously, he tells me he loves me and he cosies up to me. He’s very apathetic towards DH. DH tells me tonight that he ‘will have the S* kicked out of him because of you (i.e. me) because you have made him soft and he will be crying for his mummy like a wuss’. So, I’m being blamed here for any impending bullying which I’m already fearing. It’s unfair and wrong isn’t it, motherly love and affection doesn’t turn a child into a bullying victim?

That’s what little boys are like - I’ve noticed anyway.

Little girls are cute but little boys are sweet. Then they get bigger and don’t want to hug mummy all the time.

He will be fine at school - the other kids will play with him and the teachers will know how to encourage him along.

I think your other half is maybe feeling worried about him starting school and dumping it all on you.

Obviously you have a DH problem. When my son started reception, the child he played the most with was almost entirely non-verbal. Don't anticipate problems until you get there. And tell your "D"H to fuck off.

There is no assumption he will be bullied.

My DS had speech development issues and had speech therapy for about 2 years. He too is and was very loving, cuddly. Bit of a mummy's boy.

Other kids didn't really notice his speech issues as kids really do just play. He did have separation anxiety until middle of Year 2 but gradually disappeared. Lots of kids do. And this is often boys like another poster said.

He's fine now. Always loving and cuddly. Never bullied. Lots of friends. Wouldn't know he had speech issues. Please don't worry. I'm sure he will be fine.

Your husband sounds as though he may benefit from a parenting course ( besides a few other things!).
School or a children’s centre may be able to recommend one in September.

Your DH is an arsehole. Complete arsehole. And I would be very conscious of what he is teaching your small boy about what men are/how they behave.

My DH is a boxer, bouncer, security guard, all the standard "hard man" shit. He is a pussycat. He teaches our 3.5 year old ds to be loving, cuddly, kind, gentle. To be inclusive, accepting and considerate. DS might not always get it or understand why or the nuances of it all but if we don't model it then how will he learn it.

Four year olds do not "kick the shit out of each other" for being different, they play alongside each other and learn and grow and navigate socialisation together.

I'm not surprised your child doesn't like your husband

Your son has a significant SEN and your DH talks like that about the way he expresses himself? I imagine one reason that he is physically expressive to you is that it is the only way he can express himself?

Are the school aware of his delay? Has he been havjng any therapeutic intervention? Will the school be involved in his ongoing support?

The school need to be very aware of his issues and how to support him.

And your DH is being ridiculous. Reception aged kids do not ‘get the shit kicked out of then’. The only children who tend to be avoided by others are those who hit and kick.

your DH sounds like an utter twat. What a horrible thing to say. He sounds like would have bully a child for that reason. Doesn't make me wonder DS does not connect to his dad.

OP not sure if you're coming back but just in case you're still reading...

My 4 year old son still breastfeeds (for maybe 2 mins when he first wakes up, no other time). Can't get more 'mummy's boy' than that I suppose but it's not harming a soul and it makes him feel secure. Within our family we're always hugging and kissing and saying I love you. He is happy and secure and has lots of friends. 4 year olds (all kids, no actually all humans) need kisses and cuddles, it's normal!

One of his friends is autistic and non verbal. My son loves him! Even though he doesn't 'play' the other kids all count him as a firm friend and love running around with him. In a way playdates with him are the easiest because they don't argue and fight over who gets to be Marshall or Chase etc etc and there is none of the 'you're not my friend anymore' that seems to happen after every flare up at this age. So I think it is enough to maintain a friendship at this age.

I also think your husband has some very damaging attitudes.

Your husband is a twat.

Your son sounds like a normal 4 year old and totally lovely.

Good job Mama.

Well done you for giving your kid a sense of secure, loving attachment. This will serve him very well in the future.
Advice? Detach from that arsehole you call a husband.

Hi OP, my 4 year old was diagnosed with expressive/receptive language delay and social communication delay when he was 3 - it was severe but has slowly and gradually improved, i held him back a term in nursery before starting reception with the school's agreement as he's a summer born and he started this January and has been totally fine.

sorry, meant to say that his speech / understanding is still not 100% but it hasn't impacted him at school.

DS just turned 11. NT so I can only comment on the 'mummy's boy' nonsense (which I also got from my exH).
My DS held my hand and skipped to school until he was 9. He ran into my arms at the end of the day until he was 8. He runs for cuddles at the end of assemblies when they say 'go say a quick bye to your parents'. He still refuses to change from 'mummy' to 'mum' and cuddles up and tells me he loves me several times a day. I'm starting to discourage it myself a bit to be honest! Nobody has ever said a negative word to him about it and he has lots of friends - probably because even the children who are too self-aware to do it in the playground know full well they will be doing the same thing when they get home!
Lots of children show their affection to their parents without worry in primary school - some even do it to each other and their teachers too! Secondary school is different but you've got a long way before you have to consider stifling his affection in public!
Your DH is jealous of your close relationship and has forgotten what it's like to be a child - often people think they remember, when they are actually remembering adolescence.

I don't think it's right to expose your son to this twat of a man.

I have a child with complex needs and I tell you with a DH like that, a lot of damage will be inflicted on your DS. Are there other red flags? I could not stay with a DH who has such views on disability.

Your DH sounds horrid. Does he not realise that your DS will be starting school with other 4 year olds who will be just like him. It sounds like he thinks DS will be starting school with a bunch of teenagers with his ‘kick the shit out’ comment.

My son was born dead and needed to be resuscitated at birth. He was slow with his speech to the point where I was due to start engaging with specialists.
Cut to now, he's 15, 6 foot 4, in top sets at school, confident and happy. This boy tells me he loves at least once a day, loves a hug and has a kiss on his cheek every day. I would love for your husband to tell my son he's a mummy's boy

Obviously with school starting in September you should be making steps towards making him a little bit independent. If he already goes to nursery/preschool this is already happening.

Clingy,huggy 4 year olds, close to their mums is completely normal.

Just sounds like your son knows who to go to for love and kindness.

I hope he has a wonderful time in September OP.

My two boys have ASD, and though there has been the odd problem with children being unkind, the schools are generally much more 'on it' than they used to be, and kindness is taught and valued there, so they've in general had a very positive experience (inner London primary and secondary).

He will be going to primary school, not some war zone. Mine have never had the 'shit kicked out of them' - if it's at school they'd be on that like a ton of bricks, especially for a child with SEN, and you'll be dropping off and picking up for the foreseeable so nothing on the way to school and back either.

Your DH sounds lovely by the way

He is also a total mummy’s boy. He asks for cuddles all the time, he kisses me spontaneously, he tells me he loves me and he cosies up to me

This sounds exactly like my son. He comes into my bed for a cuddle in the mornings. Always says he Loves me. Calls me mummy not mum. Fights off his siblings when they want a cuddle too.

He’s 16 , over 6ft tall and NT.

My son had a significant speech problem, required two years of speech therapy to sort it, and was extremely clingy - cried every day on drop off at school until Y2.

Not once in that entire time did any child bully him. Non one even said a cross word, in fact the bigger kids used to come over and try and cheer him up, get him involved in their games.

Your DH is a dick. Also, for reference, DS was the brightest kid in his year by Y6, and continues to love cuddles with me even at 13.

You enjoy his sensitivity and affection.

My DS is in high school and still does everything your DS does - lots of cuddles, very affectionate. He hasn't been bullied for that. It doesn't impact school.
He has been bullied for not being a football boy.
Your DH is wrong to blame you and is wrong to equate affection with being a wuss. It might be worth having a conversation with him about how he thinks he can help DS prepare for school and the dynamic with his classmates. And having a chat about whether your DH was bullied or was a bully. He has quite strong expectations of the behaviour of boys at school. They came from somewhere. And yy it could just be toxic masculinity but it could be from a deep-rooted personal experience.

Agree with pp that it's your husband who is the bully. Unfortunately when he says children will bully your DS, I suspect what he means is that he bullied children when he was a child himself.