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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Close friend ended friendship due to 'difference in morals'

445 replies

Unpopularopinion1 · 21/06/2020 19:57

Name changed. I'm really hurt by what's happened, and I'm struggling with being told my opinions, which I've never thought are anything too uncommon, are that 'disgusting' (her words) that she cannot continue the friendship. We had a disagreement about a certain subject, which led to her blocking me. A few days later she unblocked me and attacked me with all these messages about different topics, asking me outright what I think as some sort of test, before concluding my answers weren't good enough for her high standards.

AIBU for thinking two close friends, of decades, should be able to have different opinions without cutting ties? I'm not sure I have any choice but to let it go. I'm just angry.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
ooooohbetty · 21/06/2020 22:08

She's no friend. You're well rid.

PrincessConsuelaVaginaHammock · 21/06/2020 22:10

Congratulations on ridding yourself of her.

Socialdistancegintonic · 21/06/2020 22:10

She sounds bonkers and totally wrong. Well rid.

mathanxiety · 21/06/2020 22:12

Your ex friend must have trouble getting around with her head so far up her own arse.

TalkingtoLangClegintheDark · 21/06/2020 22:13

@SadSisters

The only people I have ever seen using the word ‘menstruator’ are people expressing anti-trans sentiments. Those who are trying to find trans-inclusive language to talk about menstruation say ‘people who menstruate’, which is person-centred and quite different.

It’s a deliberate choice for anti-trans groups to say ‘menstruators’ - they want to make trans-inclusive language appear to be dehumanising. But, as ever, the reality is much more nuanced than the propaganda.

If only “people who menstruate” hadn’t been oppressed, controlled, victimised and abused (as a class) by “people who ejaculate” (as a class) since time out of mind.

If only this wasn’t something that still urgently needs redressing now.

If only it wasn’t necessary to have clear, easily understandable linguistic terms to refer to these two groups of people, in order to carry out the task of redressing the ongoing imbalance of power between these two groups.

Side question: How much of the world’s wealth is in the hands of people who menstruate? [that is: people who actually do menstruate, people who could reasonably be expected to menstruate, people who used to menstruate, people who would menstruate if they didn’t have a medical condition that prevents it... oh, didn’t we used to have a nice, concise way of saying that?? Oh yes, WOMEN but now we can’t say that because we have to pretend that some people who menstruate are men and some people who ejaculate sperm are women... which is exactly where JKR’s original point originated...]
Anyway. The answer is 10%.

Ten fucking percent. That’s all we have. 51% of the population; ten percent of the wealth and a tiny minority of world leaders and vast under-representation in all positions of power and influence, and a plague of domestic abuse, with men murdering us at a rate of two a week in England and Wales alone (and that’s pre-lockdown figures), and endemic sexual abuse, assault and harassment at all stages of our lives including when we’re still at school, FFS, and don’t forget the pay gap, and the maternity discrimination, and the woeful lottery state of maternity care; and also don’t let us forget those issues that mostly affect women and girls in other countries but also a sizeable number of women and girls right here in the UK, like FGM, child marriage, so-called honour killings; also don’t let us forget that worldwide there are still places where women are girls can’t even go to the toilet without everyday fear of sexual assault; where teenage girls may be gang raped by a whole family’s worth of men to avenge some supposed dishonour done to one of them by a male relative of said teenage girl; where mass rape and forced impregnation are used as deliberate acts of war; places where women of any age have to have a male guardian by law; places where thousands upon thousands of baby girls are never even born because they’re aborted as foetuses simply for being female, or they’re born and left to die as tiny newborn babies for the same reason... because wherever you are in the world, the male of the species is still the default human, still the one that language, customs, traditions are centred around; the male perspective still predominates, the male narrative still holds sway, just as it has done for thousands of years - whatever inroads the movement for women’s liberation has made in terms of achieving some level of legislative protection from historic discrimination and oppression, and some cultural shift.

IF ONLY this wasn’t the reality of the world we live in; IF ONLY it wasn’t so absolutely crucial to have a word that encompasses all those of the female sex and excludes all those of the male sex so that we could talk about this phenomenon, recognise it, understand it, fight it.

But given that this is our reality, then I ask you - who benefits from this blurring of the lines between men and women, male and female, people who menstruate and people who ejaculate? Who benefits from our linguistic inability to identify and determine who has the power and who is relatively powerless, who is oppressing who, who is truly vulnerable both by reasons of biology and of historical disadvantage, and needs specific rights and protections in a civilised society?

Cui bono?

madcatladyforever · 21/06/2020 22:13

I just let a friend of 35 years go. Despite around 10 warnings he persisted in writing offensive racist stuff on my Facebook page along with a black face avatar. He knows I have black friends and mixed race sisters. I dumped him. I don't see why my sisters and my friends should be subjected to that.

DuDuDuLangaLangaBingBong · 21/06/2020 22:13

Motherhood is more often than not a life m-changing event in many, many ways, some obvious, some very subtle.

Your friends will catch up in time - it’s hard to deny the material reality of being a woman when you’ve pushed an infant out of your vagina (or had one pulled from you via a surgical wound).

Wanting to preserve single sex spaces does not make you a Tory, I promise!

Ereshkigalangcleg · 21/06/2020 22:16

Brilliant post, Talking

IF ONLY this wasn’t the reality of the world we live in; IF ONLY it wasn’t so absolutely crucial to have a word that encompasses all those of the female sex and excludes all those of the male sex so that we could talk about this phenomenon, recognise it, understand it, fight it.

LavenderLilacTree · 21/06/2020 22:18

OP could you be more open minded and consider her option might have some value?

sweetkitty · 21/06/2020 22:21

I have a friend who is very anti-abortion and post some very emotive stuff on her FB. One post was about abortion being illegal (me being me and playing devils advocate pointed out that abortion isn’t illegal in this country) to which she said I cared more about animals than dead babies (I’m vegan but never mention it on FB or tell people unless it comes up as I don’t want to be a preachy vegan).

I don’t post much on SM now and then it’s stupid cat memes and funny stuff not political stuff. That’s just me.

ListeningQuietly · 21/06/2020 22:23

OP could you be more open minded and consider her option might have some value?
Transwomen are men in every cell of their bodies
they have a prostate
they never had ovaries
some of them are lovely people who are much happier in their new persona
but they are NOT women
and they do NOT get to decide on the rights and spaces of girls and women

Unpopularopinion1 · 21/06/2020 22:31

Lavender Its not like she really gave me a chance to do that. There was no explaining, as I said in a previous post if I'd really missed the mark then educate me, don't assassinate my character on the internet then block all communication

OP posts:
Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 21/06/2020 22:32

Transwomen are men in every cell of their bodies they have a prostate they never had ovaries some of them are lovely people who are much happier in their new personabut they are NOT womenand they do NOT get to decide on the rights and spaces of girls and women

🙌🏻

cyclingmad · 21/06/2020 22:34

Social media has been overtaken by bots used to push agendas, cause divide and brainwash people.

If anyone ever questioned why i never posted anything related to BLM its because my line is I do not post about politics on social media, to me social media is to share what I want to share and I won't be dictated to or shamed into posting what other people think I should.

Life is far better the more I stay away from it. It doesn't mean I don't care etc it just means i don't want to use my social media as a platform to air my political views and thats my right and my choice.

Your so much better off without our friend. Where is the honour in screenshoting a private message and making it public - that alone crosses the line right there.

My friend posts about some political views he has that doesn't quite match mine - I just avoid having conversations about it with him because he is welcome to his views but do I want to spend my time debating about it when I'd rather just have a fun chat instead. I don't to spend all my time debating stuff.

Deelish75 · 21/06/2020 22:38

I have a friend who is very anti-abortion and post some very emotive stuff on her FB.

Slightly off topic but I also had a FB friend who was very anti abortion and she used to post graphic images of late abortions on FB. I messaged her asking her how women who had had late miscarriages would feel seeing that popping up on the Facebook feed with no warning. She did stop after that, but it made me realise that some people can't see the bigger picture.

TheGoogleMum · 21/06/2020 22:38

Oh it's difficult isn't it OP? Sorry you lost a friend over it. I don't think JK said anything that bad but my husband disagrees! My best friend has a trans sibling and I'm deciding to just not mention my views on it. She hates an argument so I doubt she would ask me anyway. My view is - if people have gender dysphoria and the only way they can feel better is to transition then go for it and I'll call them whatever they want me to call them, but there will always be some biological differences and based on what I heard about a recent news night it sounds like there may be some bad practices around transitioning kids going on.
My friendship group are all labour voting lefties (or occasionally green), and I am one of them, but I appear to be the odd one out on the subject of JKR. I fear someone bringing it up becuase I don't want to fall out but I think they might as the activist narrative is completely agree otherwise you are being hateful.

cyclingmad · 21/06/2020 22:40

@TalkingtoLangClegintheDark post of the day,decade,universe. Seriously the older I get the more I think what you have voiced - its really depressing how men still 'rule the world'.

Its really telling how 'men' are someone posted earlier and said that when women identify as men, women have been supportive of it. When men identify as women, instead of men protecting it so they could still use the bathrooms its fallen on women to do so.

I have no problem if a man identifes as a women or woman as a man but no need to start calling us menstrators.

I can't even get the terms right I mean FFS why am I even having to think this hard about how to write my view - fecking ridiculous.

LastTrainEast · 21/06/2020 22:41

Unpopularopinion1 you're better off without her. That bit about your “silence about black lives matter was loud" tells us all we need to know about her. It never occured to her that you might care or act without telling everyone who would listen for brownie points. Virtue signallers are a pain.

cyclingmad · 21/06/2020 22:42

oh and being called a menstrator just diminshes me really, think bout what that says your identifed as a person who bleeds and can have children. No I am a person who is more than just that.

underneaththeash · 21/06/2020 22:46

You are right OP your friend is wrong.

Just leave it and she'll come to her senses in a couple of weeks.

I'm less bothered about now that they aren't giving hormones to children and not allowing people to chose their gender/sex.

Maria1921 · 21/06/2020 22:46

She has no right to bully you for holding an opinion different to hers.

You are well rid of her!

DancingLady · 21/06/2020 22:52

She's a total bellend and you're well rid. I can't stand this thought policing, self-righteous virtue signalling. Btw exactly the same happened to me last week - friend (not close) of 20 years severed ties and blocked me because I don't think TWAW.

LonginesPrime · 21/06/2020 22:53

A few days later she unblocked me and attacked me with all these messages about different topics, asking me outright what I think as some sort of test, before concluding my answers weren't good enough for her high standards

Why did you engage with her on this inquisition after all the other stuff she'd done?

You say you're done with her, OP, but something tells me you'd go running if she 'forgave' you. Which she probably will do next time she's bored or needs something or just wants another round with the verbal punchbag you both seem to view yourself as.

GCAcademic · 21/06/2020 22:56

@Devlesko

It's also scary how many of these people are turning into thought police. So easily pulled in, even to the extent of losing friendships.
The Twitler Youth. The modern day equivalent of those young nazis who turned in their family members, friends and teachers.
Ereshkigalangcleg · 21/06/2020 22:57

based on what I heard about a recent news night it sounds like there may be some bad practices around transitioning kids going on.

Yes, it was alleged by an investigation and whistle blowers that "trans" children were being fast tracked and given puberty blockers by the Tavistock Clinic without a robust assessment of their needs, and that some of their parents were the ones pushing this more than the child, because they didn't want their child to be gay.

I won't derail now but this thread discusses the programme.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3943022-Newsnight-Tonight-Tavistock-Clinic-concerns

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