AIBU to ignore parents dietary wishes for their che

[Calmondeck]

(For background, I’m in a country where things have reopened)

I am currently spending a lot of time with my brother’s 2 DC, giving him and his wife a few hours break from the kids each day (they were going batty in lockdown). The DC are on extremely strict diets for ethical/environmental reasons - v limited grain/carbs, no milk, no sugar, 1 small piece a fruit per day. We were recently at the park where some other parents expressed surprise at the small frame of one of the DC.

This DC (3yrs) is always asking me for food when we are alone together. We planned to have a picnic in the park (prepared/approved snacks from home) and were joined by a friend who brought homemade banana bread and butter. Before I could stop DC, she reached for the butter and popped the entire thing in her mouth. I was silently laughing to myself, but decided not to react to DC.

DC asks me for milk for her doll (which I put into a little toy bottle and she subsequently drinks herself / pretends to feed it to the doll if within eyesight of the parents), we also sometimes sneak in a natural yogurt on our trips together and grain crackers.

I am not a parent, but can imagine feeling frustrated if someone I trusted my children’s care to was defying my groundrules. At the same time, this child is underweight, and when I enquired with my brother about whether she eats all of her dinner (worried perhaps I was creating dinner time issues for them later at home) he said the DC always eats everything she is given. AIBU to continue this little eating charade when DC is in my care?

Problem with giving more of the “allowed” foods is that they are unlikely to be calorific enough in the quantity that a toddler can cope with, or would want to eat.

Can you give us an example of what she does eat in a day? What do her typical meals look like?

The parents are abusing the children.

Where are they getting their calcium from if they're not having milk etc?

Lots of other foods.
Cow's milk, or any milk, is not essential at all.

More than that, it's important to have vit D to absorb the calcium.

I doubt that she is underweight. Lots of adults struggle to assess what a healthy weight looks like in DCs. Even our school nurse constantly went on about DC's weight when the DC were under consultant care for an ongoing medical issue so their weight was monitored and always healthy.
I can't even imagine breaching a parent's trust in the way you have done. It's appalling and since you know nothing about healthy weights, I imagine you know even less about the reasons for their food choices and/or healthy food you can provide within their guidelines.

The limited grains and fruit is very concerning. We're all assuming vegan, are they vegan?
For milk, do they give a fortified alternative like oat milk or soya (nut and rice 'milks' aren't suitable for under 5s really, especially not as a main drink and have far fewer calories).
Can you give us an idea of what the DC are allowed to eat? Lots of knowledgeable people on this board who could advise if there is some stuff in the approved list you could give more of.
Also, don't use BMI, it's meaningless for u undersized children because their height is usually restricted as well. Look at height and weight centiles for age.

Paleo is very healthy. Lots of grass fed meat, fish, fruit and veg.
A much healthier diet than most people have.
I wouldn't have children on it though. They will feel socially excluded.

Not very ethical to starve your children...
YANBU!

@Cozytoesandtoast00 yes it is for adults

It isnt for children though

www.eatingwell.com/article/290620/paleo-dieting-for-kids-is-it-safe/

Its far too restrictive and removes some things which essential for childrens growth

I doubt that she is underweight

How on earth do you know? What a bizarre statement if you haven't seen or weighed the child?

How on earth do you know?
Because the OP has admitted she hasn't reviewed any research or information about healthy weights in DCs.
Research has shown that even doctors struggle to assess weight by eye and they have read all the research. Plus a Harvard study found adults regularly judge DC's healthy weights incorrectly. So, statistically, OP is likely to be wrong in her assessment.

Those saying it is healthy need to appreciate that the reason humans are so bloody huge now is improved nutrition. Paleo humans were 4 1/2 - 5 feet tall!!!

If they are genuinely giving their children an insufficient diet, aka the Paleo diet, which doesn't contain dairy, where are they getting their calcium from? Not to mention the vitamins and minerals from fruit, veg and grain.

If it was me I would quiz the parents quite carefully about what the children are eating. I would then research the diet and the nutrient deficiencies, and I would confront them with the facts, printed out for them to read. If they read them and dismiss them and I would say you will call social services to have a word with them and refer them to a dietician. Not some crackpot off the Internet.

Because the OP has admitted she hasn't reviewed any research or information about healthy weights in DCs.
Research has shown that even doctors struggle to assess weight by eye and they have read all the research. Plus a Harvard study found adults regularly judge DC's healthy weights incorrectly. So, statistically, OP is likely to be wrong in her assessment.

Be that as it may, the op thinks the child looks underweight combined with several other observations...

The so called ethical/environmental concerns over food by the parents
Child behaving in a deceptive way in order to have milk
Always hungry
Restricted to one piece of fruit a day
Restriction of incredibly ordinary food like grains

But I've seen plenty of posts like yours all over these boards from people who are convinced that most people are so fat they have no idea what a healthy weight is...

This child sounds starving ffs

formerbabe research has shown that most adults can't tell if a child is a healthy weight by looking at them. I can tell you feel personally offended by that fact but it doesn't change it.
As for the one piece of fruit, the British Dental Journal found fruit and fruit juices were some of the biggest culprits in tooth decay so often recommend veg instead.
It's quite easy to prove if a DC is underweight - you just need to measure and weight them. But the OP has posted on MN rather than put in the effort to weigh the child or talk to the parents about her diet. I'm not a cheerleader for online performative caring to justify ignoring a parent's wishes, rather than taking actual steps to ascertain what is happening.

research has shown that most adults can't tell if a child is a healthy weight by looking at them

Whether that's true or not is irrelevant.

The op isn't just talking about that...she's mentioned several other red flags.

No one on here knows the child's weight...so no point in guessing...but people noticing a particularly small child combined with other factors is quite worrying.

Don't try to justify potential child neglect because everyone else is overweight apparently.

I would not be happy with somebody feeding my child things that they aren't allowed. I would find the way it's being done deceitful and underhand.

However, if somebody told me they had concerns that my child was underweight, hungry all the time etc. Then I would want to rectify that ASAP.

In this position I would raise my concerns with the parent/s and give it a short time to see if there were any changes. If it continued I would escalate things down the safeguarding route

This is a recipe for a lifetime of food issues. Any sort of restrictive diet or diet which eliminates entire food groups is not appropriate for children, unless there are medical reasons. I can understand a vegetarian diet, for example, for cultural/ethical reasons but then care needs to be taken to ensure adequate protein intake from other sources (just using veg'ism as an eg.).
This just sounds like a restrictive diet based on the adults preferences.

I realise I didn't address the issue of the sneaky feeding but my first thought was 'poor kid'. I absolutely dread the thought of my kids developing issues around food/diet

Just now rtft and it's awful to hear of so many cases of kids who were afraid to eat in the presence of their controlling parents, or who would keep up the appearance of sticking to the prescribed diet for fear of the repercussions. I'm pretty sure it was on a mumsnet thread that I read about a woman who couldn't eat in front of other people because of how controlled her eating was in childhood

Poor poor wee kids. I would not have been happy if somebody had fed my kids unlimited icecream but would have counteracted it with some sensible homemade food. Tragic. Paleo my arse.

"Cereal grains, legumes, dairy, refined sugar, processed foods and refined vegetable oils are not allowed".

what kind of abuse is this ?

Children should not eliminate these food groups, not only because it's restrictive, but also because they would miss out on important nutrients for growth and development

Stupid, middle class abusive fuckers. Starving their kids.

I am a parent.

I obviously make sure my son has a balanced diet.

I have never worried about what he has in someone else's care (like family) as am grateful for the break!

The only time I stipulated was when he went through his tomato allergy stage! But then nominee would give him that for obvious reasons

AIBU to continue this little eating charade when DC is in my care?

Nope
Barring allergies, if im babysitting, im feeding what we eat.
I dont do fad diet crap.
Dont like it, dont get me to babysit lol