About shielding..

[cornish009]

My husband received THE letter back in March and the household have all shielded with him since then. This means none of us have been out of the house or garden (thankfully a big one) for any reason at all for about 13/14 weeks now. All food obtained is via getting deliveries, often staying up all night to get a slot, and all medicines delivered too. No one has been into our house either in that time. It's been so hard emotionally, as we miss our other children/grandchildren desperately but we have stuck to the rules 100% simply to save my husand's life.

I totally believe that everyone should do what they need to do during this time. Every family is different and every health issue is different. There is no right and wrong. And I have no right to criticise anyone else's decisions.

However, time and time again I read on here from someone who is "shielding", who then say they just go to the supermarket or out for exercise or to meet someone, even if that is socially distanced. I don't mean they are wrong to do that, not at all, but I personally don't call that shielding.

I ask because now if I use the word "shielding" to others, they assume it's being a bit careful, and going outside at quiet times, when to us shielding is not yet going out at all. I have found over the weeks that more and more people don't qute understand that we are at home all the time, and have to stay there, and no we can't go to Tescos at 8am. No the children in our household can't go back to school because we are shielding and it would not be safe for them to come back into the safe haven we have created. Others think of us as very weird for doing what we do but as I say I consider it life and death.

So AIBU to think that if you have been out of the house, for any reason, then you are not completely shielding? You can do that, of course you can, but please don't say you are shielding if you go outside sometimes. Or am I the only one who feels this way?

ps and yes perfectly aware at some point we will need to re-join society, but that time is not yet.

My Mum is shielding - she has a letter, however it stated in the shielding letter that my Dad does not need to stay in and can go out for essentials as long as he socially distances. Fine if you've gone above and beyond but those living with the very vunerable that have needed to go out for essentials are not doing anything wrong

You are of course correct zeusthemoose and I agree with you totally. I had tried to convey in my OP that I do not have the right to criticise anyone elses choices or decisions during these crazy times. I would never think, even for a second, think anyone in your parent's situation is wrong. However, I know by the reaction that my own OP was not at all clear on that point (and that is a lesson learned). We have been very lucky to have been able to get priority delivery slots from the beginning and everything else we needed we have got from ebay or amazon, or gone without. So we have not been in the unfortunate situation your dad is in and have been able to stay within the house or garden since two weeks before lockdown. I know how fortunate that makes us, but am finding it so difficult to cope with today - hence the original post I made.

Do you have a street Whatsapp group or local area Facebook page? People who are reliant on others to food shop for them at the moment sometimes put requests for people to see if they’re able to obtain hard to get items. I’ve got a specific type of jam for an elderly lady for example and I was happy to be able to help. There are so many kind people out there and if they know your son loves a particular brand or peanut butter etc, they’ll be more than happy to help you out if they can

Yes there is a local facebook group, and people such as yourself are a total lifeline. You must make such a positive difference to people's lives. I did use the local group for one quite urgent prescription my husband needed, and the people involved were lovely. Not sure I should use it for my son with autism's peanut butter rules, but thank you for the thought!

Have a look at the virtual support on offer.

Also look up data about the virus rates in your area. How much chance is there of actually being exposed to the virus locally (particularly as it tends to be clustered around institutions such as hospitals, so even lower in the general community). The risks now from passing another person in an outdoor space are very different to when the initial advice was released in March, and outdoor spaces are very low compared to indoors. What you do about that information is personal to your circumstances and your comfort zone, but reevaluating maybe helpful mentally even if you decide not to adjust your behaviour.

If you are considering going out, time of day makes a difference and fortunately we're at the maximum length of day and the early mornings/ later evenings after 7-8pm tend to be quiet.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you feel better about it. It's a tough situation on its own without SENs in the mix too.

Can I ask why you are completely isolating your family @cornish009
Obviously you don't have to say if you're not comfortable.

My dh (39) has stage 4 terminal bowel cancer with less than 12 months life expectancy. He is also on the extremely vulnerable list. As a family we isolated from the beginning of March however, dh and I in the last couple of weeks have had a couple of walks in the evening in a very quiet area with dh wearing a mask. It has made such a huge difference for both of us. For us it was weighing up the risks and actually still living life a little.

I hope you feel a litter better now

"Not sure I should use it for my son with autism's peanut butter rules, but thank you for the thought!"

My local group has been used - successfully - for exactly that. People can be more helpful than you'd think! :)

My husband is in the extremely vulnerable category and has had the shielding letter. I haven't heard anyone use the term shielding in the wrong context. I think everyone who says it has had the letter. It's just down to individual choice how they handle it. My husband decided that the health benefits of cycling were too important to give up on so after a month at home on his rollers he decided to venture out. He also walks the dog (at the crack of dawn before many people are out). None of us have stepped foot in a shop until this week when I had to go back to work (in a shop). Now we need to be much more careful. It is tough for all of us. I don't think you should worry too much about what other people are doing and just concentrate on what's best for you as a family.

I would be cautious of FB groups - for shielding and medical conditions. Useful advice is negated by the echo chamber of hysterical extremists, with people pumping each other up into a frenzy. It’s the opposite of positivity and can really bring you down.

The thing is you cannot isolate forever. OP, you say you have pets - what if one needs the vet? (Personal lockdown experience of this ) I assume you aren’t going to euthanise a distressed pet yourself. Toothache? The film Castaway springs to mind. Any medical appointment? What about your dcs at home? You can’t make them sacrifice the best years of their lives staying at home.

Unless you are one of those doomsday survivalists in the wilds of the US it is pretty difficult to cut yourself off. One person or a couple could give it a go, but as I said, how can you be at peace making your dcs stay in for 5 or 10 years if a vaccine is never found? We mature people have had lives - should our dcs miss their teens and twenties to save us from risk? I’m not on board with that.

@IrmaFayLear

I would be cautious of FB groups - for shielding and medical conditions. Useful advice is negated by the echo chamber of hysterical extremists, with people pumping each other up into a frenzy. It’s the opposite of positivity and can really bring you down.

The thing is you cannot isolate forever. OP, you say you have pets - what if one needs the vet? (Personal lockdown experience of this ) I assume you aren’t going to euthanise a distressed pet yourself. Toothache? The film Castaway springs to mind. Any medical appointment? What about your dcs at home? You can’t make them sacrifice the best years of their lives staying at home.

Unless you are one of those doomsday survivalists in the wilds of the US it is pretty difficult to cut yourself off. One person or a couple could give it a go, but as I said, how can you be at peace making your dcs stay in for 5 or 10 years if a vaccine is never found? We mature people have had lives - should our dcs miss their teens and twenties to save us from risk? I’m not on board with that.

If it looks like I have to shield for years then I will re think it.

If any of us need to dentist or Dr than whoever it is will go and I will isolate myself for the two weeks after until we know that they don't have it but ordinarily if the people in the house with you are just living normally it means that the shielded person has to isolate within their home - so sleep alone, use a different bathroom, not be in the same room as other family members, eat alone - that's incredibly tough on the shielded person so I can see why families have decided to all shield, especially if it's only for a few months.

If it's going to go on for much longer than people are going to face some difficult decisions. The government are meant to be updating us on what happens after 30th June and I hope they tell us soon what the next steps are.

for me this is like the "they aren't really vegetarian" threads.

If the word 'Shielding' doesn't work for you bc of how people use it, then maybe just say "(Recently has been tough bc) we don't go out bc of the virus". I know it's extra words but at least you can talk about your own situation precisely.

I'm shielding, as in not set food out of the door apart from a blood test since early March. We initially isolated as a family.

But as my Anxious year 6 Dc needed school for their mental health, and my other dc also had School places due to my illnesses, combined with DH job, We made the difficult decision for me to shield alone until the end of June before assessing our local area and hopefully reuniting then, so I'm now isolating on my own going into week 2.

I talk to the kids and my husband from across the landing and he leaves food on a tray outside the room for me to pick up.

We have our own mini outbreak on the street seemingly caused by VE conga, and although my neighbour cannot stop coughing and complaining he's never been so ill ( can hear him in his garden ) his wife is still taking their daughter to school, and is doing daily supermarket trips ( likely to have a rest from her annoying husband ) ,so I have to stay careful for now.
There's a good chance I will relax things soon, but hearing how much happier everyone else is to be able to restart life, I know I made the right decision for my family to split us for a bit .
Spending months without outside interaction makes us all rusty about what to say, so please don't worry OP, you came across fine, just scared.

@sackcummings

You are not being unreasonable. Well done keeping your DH safe. You are following the Govt shielding guidance. Continue to do what is right :-)

That’s not entirely correct as assuming the OP is in the UK as her references suggest then the guidance has changed in all parts of the UK. The Welsh page explains things well.

If you have been shielding at home you can now leave home to exercise or meet outside with people from another household.

You should strictly follow physical distancing (2 metres or 3 steps away from another person) and you should practice good hygiene using a hand sanitiser and avoiding touching things touched by others.

The advice has changed because:

1) The number of people who have coronavirus in Wales has gone down and so the risk of you catching the virus has reduced.

[2) We have learned more about how coronavirus behaves. We know the virus does not spread as easily outside as it does indoors^

3) Staying at home for long periods of time can affect your health and wellbeing.

But coronavirus has not gone away. You should stay away from busy outdoor places where people might get too close.

I agree with point 3, I’ve just shown it to DH who is now looking up a quiet place to walk, he’s just reminded me of the psychological effect shielding has had on him and how he gets anxious out of the house. It sounds that this has happened to you OP and I suggest that you try to venture out on your own first and building up your confidence before taking the rest of the family out, assuming your DH is well enough?

Good luck

@SauvignonBlanche thanks, yes I know the shielding guidance changed, but I wanted to offer the OP my support and I didn't want to make my reply too long. I am shocked at some of the hateful comments on here.

For many who are shielding it is very difficult to go out and "minimise contact with others by keeping 2 metres apart" (eg. if they live in an urban area and have no car). For others it is a personal choice on whether they have the risk appetite to go out.

Everyone is different and how they choose to shield is a personal decision.

Can I ask why you are completely isolating your family @cornish009. Obviously you don't have to say if you're not comfortable.

No, that's fine, loubieloo4. My husband has a severe lung condition and additionally an auto-immune disease. I know that to expect him to isolate within the house, while the rest of us had more freedom would not work. We have adult sons at home who have SEN needs and I do not think they would be able to comprehend, or remember, the basic rules they would need to abide by. So it seemed more sensible and safer for us all to stay home, so my husband, and the rest of us, could at least have the freedom of being able to use the house and garden normally.

I am so very sorry about your DH. How awful that as well as dealing with such a tragic personal situation, something has come along to restrict your freedom further. I wish you many, many pleasant walks together. The forecast is for good weather this week, so hope you are both able to enjoy that together. I wish you both well.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you feel better about it. It's a tough situation on its own without SENs in the mix too

Thank you so much BogrollBOGOF

The thing is you cannot isolate forever. OP, you say you have pets - what if one needs the vet? (Personal lockdown experience of this sad ) I assume you aren’t going to euthanise a distressed pet yourself. Toothache? The film Castaway springs to mind. Any medical appointment? What about your dcs at home? You can’t make them sacrifice the best years of their lives staying at home.

All very true IrmaFayLear - though thankfully we have been able to get a cat seen by the vet. Our family situation is complex, but there will come a time that we will have to make some stark choices. But that time has not come yet and equally what our decision will then be is not yet known either.

Thanks for the warning about some FB groups.

yes I know the shielding guidance changed, but I wanted to offer the OP my support and I didn't want to make my reply too long. I am shocked at some of the hateful comments on here

And I sincerely thank you for that support sackcummings.

Shielding top trumps , how very tedious

Shielding is very hard. I’ve irrationally lost my rag over petty things a few times. it’s hard to express the difficulty in the isolation and then someone says something like “but you can drive over and sit in my garden?”. They don’t mean to be insensitive, they’re trying to be kind but you’re trying to balance physical health and mental health too. It’s not always easy to get it right.
Hang in there. You are not alone.

That puts a bit of a different light on it, OP, if your sons have SN. It is easier to shield as a family if, I assume, you are able to set the rules!

If you can carry on mega shielding, then go for it, but I have the same conditions as your dh, and I now go on walks, went to the hospital and ta da! went to the council tip (timed ticket entry!). Also the dcs have been going for walks with a friend.

I really think that taking small steps back into life works. I won’t be going to the supermarket or storming Primark in the foreseeable future, but it’s miserable and atm unnecessary to cower indoors. If cases in your area spike, then yes, lock yourselves down, but if this a long-term situation (ie no vaccination) then your life is going to be severely compromised.

It sounds really tough Cornish. I wish both you and your husband well.

I think you have to do what you feel is best for you. Everyone on the shielding list will be the same. I know one family shielding but they were advised to have daily walks, when it is quiet. It works for them, but they still need a lot of support because they can't do all the other things.

I hope you manage to find a way going forward for you both, now things have started to relax.

OP has been very quick and gracious in her apologies so unpleasantness is very unfair. That said, I have noticed a tendency towards 'competitive shielding' among a few people in my own village.

As it happens, I got a letter telling me to shield on March 21st and then another soon afterwards telling me to sign up to the govt register for extremely clinically vulnerable people, which I absolutely didn't do. I took the decision early on that this wasn't for me and that if necessary I could decline hospital treatment so as not to be accused of contributing to any overwhelming of the NHS.

Yes, I went out into the road to avoid a couple coming in the other direction, and the woman called out, “Thank you for protecting us!” How self-centred can you get? I was protecting me !

Some people think that lockdown was all about saving them personally and in fact the govt should pay them and their nearest and dearest to stay at home forever. So, OP, I urge you again to avoid FB groups or else you’ll encounter awful egotistical hypochondriacs.

One of the worst things for me about coming out of shielding is that I'm forced to rely on other people to keep me safe and unfortunately most people are inherently selfish.

You see it on threads on here all of the time. People are deciding to ignore or break guidelines if they think they are at low risk. They'll meet up with people, go on dates, have people in their homes, abandon SD, whatever because they aren't too worried about catching Covid. The issue is though that means that more infection is in the community which makes it more dangerous for those of us that are shielding.

Then there are people who have just abandoned the concept of SD when out and about and so don't care how close they get to you. Refusing to wear masks poses similar issues.

What we need are measures that shielded people can enjoy that protect themselves. We can't expect nor rely on other people to protect us because there's no benefit to them to do so, so we need to be able to protect ourselves. Maybe we need to be given hospital grade masks for example so that we are protected from other people but can still go out and go back to work and school.

I just wanted to send some support, some of the comments have been very unkind and u do not need to apologise. I am not shielding but have asthma so have been very careful. Im at home with 3 and half year old who has SN so can relate there and 15 month old. Ive been getting food deliveries and stayed at home for first 8 weeks been doing a bit more resently. There is a lot of people who have stopped brothering and that makes me nervous because their actions effect others. And thats why it would concern u. And thats understandable.

Having a child with SN is just another level of stress without the added pressure of lockdown and being confined to our house. Only other SN parents will understand. Ive been having telephone councilloring and that is definitely helping