About shielding..

[cornish009]

My husband received THE letter back in March and the household have all shielded with him since then. This means none of us have been out of the house or garden (thankfully a big one) for any reason at all for about 13/14 weeks now. All food obtained is via getting deliveries, often staying up all night to get a slot, and all medicines delivered too. No one has been into our house either in that time. It's been so hard emotionally, as we miss our other children/grandchildren desperately but we have stuck to the rules 100% simply to save my husand's life.

I totally believe that everyone should do what they need to do during this time. Every family is different and every health issue is different. There is no right and wrong. And I have no right to criticise anyone else's decisions.

However, time and time again I read on here from someone who is "shielding", who then say they just go to the supermarket or out for exercise or to meet someone, even if that is socially distanced. I don't mean they are wrong to do that, not at all, but I personally don't call that shielding.

I ask because now if I use the word "shielding" to others, they assume it's being a bit careful, and going outside at quiet times, when to us shielding is not yet going out at all. I have found over the weeks that more and more people don't qute understand that we are at home all the time, and have to stay there, and no we can't go to Tescos at 8am. No the children in our household can't go back to school because we are shielding and it would not be safe for them to come back into the safe haven we have created. Others think of us as very weird for doing what we do but as I say I consider it life and death.

So AIBU to think that if you have been out of the house, for any reason, then you are not completely shielding? You can do that, of course you can, but please don't say you are shielding if you go outside sometimes. Or am I the only one who feels this way?

ps and yes perfectly aware at some point we will need to re-join society, but that time is not yet.

FWIW I'm shielding in a one bed flat. It's easy to stay in when in for you includes a massive garden. I'm close to a massive park where I can go and not come close to anyone. Common sense tells me if I'm keeping my distance I'm not going to catch covid from the leaves on the trees. I'm still shielding.

With the best will in the world when will you re-enter society? This isn't going away

I do not know. I only wish I did. Everyone here is so much braver than me, I admire you all so very much. All I can say right now is that time, for us, has not yet come. I would never have believed I would not be able to see and hug our daughter and grandchildren for all this time when I saw them every day before this. It is almost unbearable...until I think of the alternative which IS unbearable. But this thread has taught me how self indulgent I have been and really need to give myself a good kicking.

@jingstohang
It's not a competition to see who can be the most miserable.
Thank goodness for that - there's be trouble if anyone tried to take away my Queen of Misery crown.

It’s not a competition

I am so sorry Wolfiefan of course you are right, and I did not at all mean to criticise everyone else's choices and decisons. I do realise it came across that way though. Sorry!

Some shielders have needed to leave their houses for essential medical appointments where home visits are not feasible.

I was actually going to post to judge you for judging but I see the thread has taken a different turn. I hope you're OK.

Please do re-read the guidance though (assuming that you're in England) as, as PP have said, exercise outdoors is "permitted" - personally I think it should be "recommended"!

I do think shielding for a long period sends you fucking demented affects your perspective, especially when things which would usually be minor annoyances get so built up in your mind, as your whole life is "reduced" and it seems perhaps this is how you have been feeling about this issue?

I understand and sympathise if so as I very nearly murdered my neighbours last week over something which normally would have been just irritating, but as I was getting so fed up I ended up weeping at the front gate.

I also shouted and told my DS he was getting on my last fucking nerve (people feel free to flame me, he's a teenager not 6 and was getting on my last nerve and actually he has been brilliant since then)

With the benefit of hindsight, if I hadn't left the house at any point at all I seriously think I may have gone under. Please consider it, I know how scary it is at the moment and I can't emphasise enough how much getting that change of scenery and fresh air helped me - I feel "reset". Honestly the benefit has out weighed the (vanishingly small) risk a thousandfold. I can't even put it into words!

You are the ones doing more than required, so its you who want the different language - and you have a simple one "we don't go out at all", no need for everyone else to change their language to meet you

I am so very sorry sirfredfredgeorge and I can now see now that no one else should have to change their language for me. Yes, I will now say "we don't go out at all" and no longer mention the word shielding. I seriously did not realise my interpretation was so wrong. Thank you that's a much better way for me to explain to others in future.

Why are you so bothered what others think the word means.

Should they pat you on the back that you are all shielding when the letter says just the individual needs to shield. Well done for being extra cautious and brilliant and I don't blame the vulnerable. I am actually extremely vulnerable but choose not to wear the badge and shield. I also don't care if other people who shield are going out being careful. We all make our own risk assessments but stop being the martyr looking for praise for shielding the most/best/longest etc and suffering more than anyone else.

Stop apologising

Could you close the thread and get outside, out of the confines of your garden (if you can) and look at the different view. Honestly, you will feel like a new person. Really.

I got the shielding meter in march too. My dr advised me however that a late night walk where I wouldn't come into contact with anyone would be perfectly safe. The last three weeks I've gone into more populated areas a few times while keeping a distance but I still class myself as shielding. I just cant stay in anymore , it was affecting my mental health and there was no point in avoiding the virus but making my self unwell by being shut in my house.

Sorry OP I've read the thread backwards now.

Are you getting the support you need? It sounds like things are tough and you need someone to talk to.

It sounds like shielding may well end in the coming months - at first I was sceptical because how can it suddenly be safe? But it makes more sense to me now that there's been an explanation of sorts about community transmission.

Where are you? It might be worth following scottish guidelines if that helps reassure you? Sturgeon has been really cautious up here and shielders are still not advised to meet other people even from a distance. I find these slow steps out of shielding less terrifying- I'm in scotland but baulked whne I saw boris's new guidance.

If your struggling there is a thread for shielders in chat, very friendly, come and join us for support

Thank you for your lovely words redcherries. I will look at the thread in chat, but at the moment, having got things so wrong, I feel a little nervous of my own ability to explain myself in the written word. But I will definately feel better for reading the words of others. Thank you!

If you are in England you are allowed out for exercise once a day and should have access to priority supermarket delivery slots. Come and join us on the shielding thread in chat if you like.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3943825-thread-3-shielding-chat

^ the first time I went to the (empty) park near me, I was surprised by how 'OMG THERE IS SO MUCH OUTSIDE AROUND ME AND IT'S LOVELY' I felt. I've been lucky enough to have access to a shared garden, but just the change of scenery and sense of open space was a complete tonic.

And yes, stop apologising. You don't need to turn this into a stick to beat yourself with.

@cornish009

You don’t know everyone’s personal circumstances DH had to venture into a shop yesterday though really didn’t want to does that mean in your opinion he’s not shielding anymore?

No, you are right, SauvignonBlanche. I do totally repect and admire other people's situations, especially for people like your DH who have had to risk his health by doing something he has been uncomfortable doing. I have realised now that I am using the word shielding incorrectly as so many other people cannot possibly be wrong. I will maybe get along better if I no longer mention the shielded group and maybe just say "we are staying at home". I wish you and your husband well during these crazy times.

Thanks @cornish009, I do urge you to reread the updated government guidance www.gov.uk/government/publications/guidance-on-shielding-and-protecting-extremely-vulnerable-persons-from-covid-19/guidance-on-shielding-and-protecting-extremely-vulnerable-persons-from-covid-19 as things have changed.

DH and I risk assess every situation, his first visit to a shop was for me as I’d broken my mobile phone which I need for work, I’m sometimes on-call as a nurse but the account is in his name!

He wouldn’t go out for a while after the guidance changed and doesn’t go out every day but a quiet walk, somewhere secluded a couple of times a week has been really good for him. He’s had a kidney transplant so is unlikely to be ‘unsheilded’ any time soon.

Is it you or your DH that is most anxious about leaving the house?

@cornish009 did you know there is a Tesco number you can ring to get priority slots if you haven't already?

Thank you tobee. Yes we have priority slots. Only problem is the 85 items limit per week, so we have to top up with another supermarket delivery as well. Iceland have actually been the most reliable, and indeed have the less substitutions.

cornish009 I'm impressed 2 people can hit 85 items!

You can get signs you can print off saying it’s a high risk household, I’ve found delivery drivers much more understanding now

You have changed my life. Why did I not think of that?! I will make one, or get the children to!!

I think you’ve more than managed to bring the thread back round, you really have to stop apologising as pp said. You’ve taken everything people are saying on board, that’s admirable.

I get bloody niggled by a relative who is not shielded, has a mild condition that if it was more severe would put them in the stringent distancing group. Her and my mum bang on about her not being allowed out, how scary it is for her etc etc. She’s not bloody shielded and has no clue how it actually feels but she likes attention. I have to seriously bite my tongue. No problem with people choosing to shield but this is purely for attention 😡 I know her well.

Do you have a Morrison's locally? They have a basic but useful doorstep delivery service for topping up - my.morrisons.com/doorstep-deliveries/ . Uber eats and deliveroo also have a few grocery delivery options- where I am, there's the co-op, morrisons, m&s, and a few others.
The co-op also does deliveries in some areas- quickshop.coop.co.uk/basket

I appreciate that all the above depends on what's available in your area.

DH would have gone mad without his gardens, God knows how those in flats have coped? It's like anything else that comes our way isn't it. Those of you with more cope with more. Those of us with less cope whilst having less. Life's always easier for those better off financially but when you don't have much you get creative with what you do have. And we appreciate it.

For example, we got some fresh strawberries that were reduced today which will be a real treat for us all later (10 day shop for family of 5 on £50). Whereas some people spend our weekly budget purely on fruit and vegetables! Different people find different ways to cope.

(Re the Morrison's doorstep delivery - you need to pay on delivery by card. I managed social distancing by getting them to put the card machine down and walk away while I used it with my contactless card).

I do empathise. I am extremely vulnerable and got the shielding letter but I have been walking around fields as I live in countryside. Since the rules relaxed I had a friend visit and sit in the garden. It was lovely

Thank you for your understanding, Jno and although sorry you have found yourself in this situation, I am glad you have found a way to get through this time. As I tried, and failed to say in my OP, everyone is different and therefore everyone's decisions are different too. The fresh air is my saviour, and certainly the bad weather earlier in the week made all our spirits sink. I wish you well and hope the good times will come again for us all soon.

Are there more than two of you?

I have a teen and a university student; I may be shielding but in this past week I have said it’s ok for my dc to meet a friend for a walk. As others have said, you cannot incarcerate everyone until there’s a vaccine - that could be years.

For four of us a weekly Tesco delivery is more than adequate (plus Virgin wines delivery!).

I too have been out for walks - it’s good to poke your nose out into the outside world. I also had to go to the hospital; it was fine.