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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Girlfriend doesn't want to come for tea?

255 replies

outlook10101 · 20/06/2020 13:49

We've been together a year and are 24.
My sister is coming down with her boyfriend to see us tomorrow for fathers day and some food.
My mum asked girlfriend a few days ago if she wants to come around and she was all 'ermmming' and 'arrrring' and maybeing.

Then today my dad asked her if she was coming around and she turned to me and laughed and said she didn't know she was invited. My dad and me did then say we did invite her. My mum then came down as I asked my mum if she has invited her and my mum said yeah and my girlfriend was like maybe i'll let you know early tomorrow.

In the car, she then said she hopes I dont mind but she'll see me Monday and that she thinks too many people might be in the house at once. I then said not to use that as an excuse and how dare she say she wasn't invited.
She then went moody and said she doesn't get why I'm snapping at her and that she genuinely forgot about being asked.

Anyway she just messaged now saying sorry and that if it means a lot to her she will come but I get the feeling she doesnt like my sister as she always avoids coming when my sister is there.

OP posts:
Studycast · 20/06/2020 16:53

Why not try and be a bit sensitive and savvy rather than putting her under so much pressure?

When you invite people to an event - and they are polite and don't want to cause upset - they often tend not to say "no" directly (in UK anyway) but say something like "that may be difficult, I'll let you know tomorrow". It's up to you then to be cool and not to hassle her about it and certainly not bring in reinforcements such as your mum and dad to pressure her further. This is especially true while we are all living with Covid-19 in our midst.

So back off and give the poor girl some space and respect her preferences. You are being very immature about this. You don't need to know her precise reasons; just try and be understanding fhs.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 20/06/2020 16:55

I think she was rude, she was invited by three different people, then lied about being invited. Much more embarrasing than just saying no.

pooopypants · 20/06/2020 16:57

Are you sure "24" shouldn't read "14"?

She doesn't have to accept your invitation.

You're coming across as a bully and generally unpleasant person. I hope she comes to her senses soon.

SunshineCake · 20/06/2020 17:02

Oi, stop insulting fourteen year olds by saying this poster girlfriend sounds like one.

OP, you sound like you don't even like your girlfriend never mind love her. Back off and leave her alone and maybe have a think about how you are as it isn't pleasant.

peoplearepeople · 20/06/2020 17:03

You've treated your girlfriend really badly I'm afraid. You need to apologise to her or this relationship is doomed.
I also agree that you really need to work on your empathy and social skills. Your girlfriend is not a "liar" as you seem so keen to make out. She was very clearly trying to be polite (something you seem to lack!) and understandably doesn't feel as comfortable with your family as you do.
Try actually taking on board what people are explaining to you here. If not for the sake of this relationship, then for future ones. You sound very emotionally immature at the moment.

JingsMahBucket · 20/06/2020 17:04

@FedUpAtHomeTroels

I think she was rude, she was invited by three different people, then lied about being invited. Much more embarrasing than just saying no.
I agree. This thread is so weird. People are bending over backwards to defend the girlfriend. All she had to do was say “no thank you”. She had several days to make a decision.
Walkaround · 20/06/2020 17:08

Basically, outlook10101, I think you win the prize for having a weird personality if you think it is acceptable to tell your girlfriend you think she is a liar in front of your parents for that. If I were her, I wouldn’t be wanting to see you or your parents again - you sound like a controlling, aggressive git.

ilovesooty · 20/06/2020 17:11

@outlook10101

Yes I did say she was lying in front of them and I probably shouldnt have but my parents were there when she was invited
That's horrible and bullying. I hope she finds sufficient assertiveness to dump you. She doesn't have to put up with that.
SuckingDieselFella · 20/06/2020 17:15

So your parents and your girlfriend were in your house when she was invited?

And you're planning a gathering with at least four households tomorrow?

OP have you watched a programme called 'the news' recently?

JavaQ · 20/06/2020 17:18

Not knowing how to say "no" politely to invitations is a VERY common problem at ALL ages.

That is what happened here.

picklemewalnuts · 20/06/2020 17:18

You've got so focussed on the fact you wanted her to come and she hasn't said yes, that you've forgotten about how she feels.

Lweji · 20/06/2020 17:21

If you are right that she doesn't like or isn't comfortable around your sister, why would you insist she attends the dinner, which is also more of a family affair?

You don't even seem to live together.

And I'd try to understand why she has an issue with your sister rather than think she's the weird one.

WombOfOnesOwn · 20/06/2020 17:22

OP, have you ever been considered potentially on the autism spectrum? It seems like you're having a very difficult time drawing emotional inferences about very typical human behavior around excuse-making, "white lies," and social cues.

I only ask because as someone on the spectrum myself, I've often felt like I had to learn these things "from the book" rather than simply /feeling/ them like it seems most people do. After a while it became intuitive, second nature quite literally, but before I could do it, I had these kinds of frustrations.

dobbyssoc · 20/06/2020 17:23

I was this girlfriend. I'd put it off and put it off because I was absolutely petrified of being around my ex's family. I hate hate eating in front of people I don't know/live with.
It's not to be cruel it's because your girlfriend is scared. You should support her

TypingError · 20/06/2020 17:30

I agree. This thread is so weird. People are bending over backwards to defend the girlfriend. All she had to do was say “no thank you”. She had several days to make a decision

She was probably hoping OP had taken the hint already. And then to be confronted with the Dad asking as well - and she laughed nervously and turned to OP for help that didn't materialise. I don't believe she purposely lied, just let words tumble out of her mouth while she struggled to voice the answer nobody was accepting.

And then called a liar, and then Mum gets dragged in to confirm and reinforce the invitation - and that she'd "lied" I feel so sorry for this young woman. If I had one wish right now it would be that she could read this thread.

diddl · 20/06/2020 17:35

"And then called a liar, and then Mum gets dragged in to confirm and reinforce the invitation - and that she'd "lied" I feel so sorry for this young woman. If I had one wish right now it would be that she could read this thread."

And following all that she told Op no, that she'd see him on Monday, but they shouted at her for the reason she gave!

As if she needs to give a reason to not see someone else's dad on FD!

Pigeonfaces · 20/06/2020 17:38

She wanted to get out of it! It really doesn’t matter why: because she wanted to see her own father, because she hates your sister, because she’s obeying lockdown rules, because she’s actually a giant lizard & has to wash her scales on Sundays. Whatever the reason, she’s allowed not to come!

You and your family all seem to have been incapable of picking up the social signals (the ‘no’ signals) she was sending out. Instead you pinned her down and hectored her and accused her of lying.

I think you need to look very carefully at your own behaviour & also at the dynamic in your family. You sound very controlling and judgmental. Have you learnt this from your parents? Do you generally find it difficult to ‘read the room’? To interpret not only what people say, but how and when?

If your gf was my daughter I’d be advising her to run for the hills. I’d be extremely worried about this controlling behaviour.

hey1234 · 20/06/2020 17:43

You, your dad and your mum all asking her in a short period of time probably made it worse too, I feel for her you sound suffocating and really unnecessary angry.
So what if she lied she was probably uncomfortable at you not taking the hint.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/06/2020 17:44

@outlook10101, you've been asked questions on this thread that you've ignored. You seem a little pissed off that not everyone is nodding and agreeing with you. I wonder if your girlfriend struggled to say 'no' to you because she knows you struggle to accept a 'no'.

AHF1975 · 20/06/2020 17:46

I've just re-read the OP and realised that your girlfriend backed down and apologised anyway. You got what you want OP, she submitted, and you clearly don't think you did anything wrong. Not sure why you are even posting. Presumably you were hoping for some validation for your appalling behaviour.

Lweji · 20/06/2020 17:47

The moment she started "'ermmming' and 'arrrring' and maybeing" a good partner would have stopped insisting and would have supported her in saying no.

AnnaBanana333 · 20/06/2020 17:50

I then said not to use that as an excuse and how dare she say she wasn't invited.

If my girlfriend or boyfriend spoke to me like that, they'd be an ex by the end of the car journey.

Leave the poor woman alone.

123rd · 20/06/2020 17:51

Agreed.., learn to read sighs. If she wanted to join you she would have said yes! She was trying to get out of it without hurting your feelings

123rd · 20/06/2020 17:52

Read signs

YgritteSnow · 20/06/2020 17:52

If she was my friend i would be telling her about red flags and advising she end the relationship. You sound controlling tbh, obsessively trying to drag The Truth out of her.

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