Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Girlfriend doesn't want to come for tea?

255 replies

outlook10101 · 20/06/2020 13:49

We've been together a year and are 24.
My sister is coming down with her boyfriend to see us tomorrow for fathers day and some food.
My mum asked girlfriend a few days ago if she wants to come around and she was all 'ermmming' and 'arrrring' and maybeing.

Then today my dad asked her if she was coming around and she turned to me and laughed and said she didn't know she was invited. My dad and me did then say we did invite her. My mum then came down as I asked my mum if she has invited her and my mum said yeah and my girlfriend was like maybe i'll let you know early tomorrow.

In the car, she then said she hopes I dont mind but she'll see me Monday and that she thinks too many people might be in the house at once. I then said not to use that as an excuse and how dare she say she wasn't invited.
She then went moody and said she doesn't get why I'm snapping at her and that she genuinely forgot about being asked.

Anyway she just messaged now saying sorry and that if it means a lot to her she will come but I get the feeling she doesnt like my sister as she always avoids coming when my sister is there.

OP posts:
AHF1975 · 20/06/2020 15:35

You all sound rather intense, easily offended, and potentially a bit intimidating. Hopefully she's seen the light and is currently running for the hills. Relationships are supposed to be fun, especially one year in and when you are 24. She shouldn't be putting up with this shit.

JingsMahBucket · 20/06/2020 15:36

@outlook10101 to me YANBU. It would have been easier for her today no than lie. She’s had several days to decline the invitation and hemmed and hawed her way through it instead of being honest.

I think the majority of posters who are having a go at you are the classic MN “I have anxiety” or “I don’t like confrontation” types who automatically identify with your girlfriend’s weaselly attempts. Just because you have anxiety doesn’t mean you get to lie to others and gaslight them because you’re scared.

If you still really like your girlfriend and want to keep seeing her, I’d discuss with her why you’re upset and ask why she did that. See if you can work out certain cues going forward or why she may not like your sister. If this is another annoyance in a longer list of annoyances though, then I’d break up. Good luck.

fluffi · 20/06/2020 15:36

@outlook10101 YABU. You should be apologising to your girlfriend, for making her uncomfortable with the multiple invitations and pressure and asking her to break lockdown rules.

Although TBH after you said not to use that as an excuse given multiple households meeting indoors is not allowed I would have seriously reconsidered my relationship if I was your GF

blosstree · 20/06/2020 15:38

I feel really sorry for her. She's obviously a bit shy around other people from what you've said. It sounds like she's uncomfortable with the rule breaking (if you're in the UK) and was trying to decline without implying to your parents that she thought they were breaking rules. And then you all went and 'caught her out', something you seem to be taking glee from.

If she doesn't want to be in close proximity to people she doesn't have to be. Leave her be.

As someone else said, I hadn't learnt to say no to people (especially people she'll want to stay on the right side of) when I was early twenties either.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/06/2020 15:38

1-She doesn't have to accept an invitation if she doesn't want to. Most people would have recognized that her 'indecisiveness' was in actuality a refusal and would have just let it go.

2-She doesn't have to like your sister or any other member of your family. And she doesn't have to be around them if she's not comfortable with them, either.

I wonder what she'd think if she knew you think she's 'weird'. Why don't you tell her that if you're so big on 'honesty'? Actually, the best thing you could do for the poor girl is to simply let her go.

Do you have any idea how many people tell a 'white lie' to avoid an invite they don't want to accept? Especially when they feel they are being bullied OR they simply don't want to offend the person offering the invite. You and your family put her on the spot, of course her excuse was a bit flimsy.

Mummytime1 · 20/06/2020 15:38

Just let it go! Geez

She doesn’t want to go but found it hard to tel you, a lot of people find it hard sometimes to say no.
She may not like your sister maybe your sister isn’t her kind of person, as long as she is not out and out rude to her then it’s fine. We can’t like everyone!

SillyCow6 · 20/06/2020 15:38

That poor young woman. If this is how you react to her trying to wriggle out of something she doesnt want to do then it wont be long til youre finished, or else she will keep going along and be thoroughly miserable with you.

This may technically be a lie, but it is the type of thing people who dont like being blunt do when theyre feeling cornered by a pushy person/people.

You sound insufferable

Liverpool52 · 20/06/2020 15:39

When I was that age I probably would have done the same with my now-DH's parents because they are pushy wankers. "No thank you" leads to interrogation as to why and then being told that what they were inviting me to was far more important than my plans (regardless of what those plans were, could have been plans with my own parents) and I should therefore cancel my plans and do as I was told.

Luckily DH has the measure of his parents (although standing up to them is another issue) and he would never have ganged up on me with them like you did.

Your girlfriend needs to run a mile.

iften · 20/06/2020 15:39

Perhaps she didn't want to point out that your family are breaking lockdown rules.

Can't help thinking this is a wind up though, 24 years old you say?

Takingontheworld · 20/06/2020 15:39

@outlook10101

But she shouldnt have lied!! After she laughed and turned to me and said she didnt know she was invited, even my dad stuck up for me and said we did invite her, And she went all quiet and taken aback so clearly knew she got caught out
No- you embarrassed her by clearly putting her on the spot in front of your family when she was clearly not committing to your previous invites.
Chickychoccyegg · 20/06/2020 15:41

op you sound like a right pain in the arse , its pretty obvious why your girlfriend told a small lie, i hope she dumps you!

Deadringer · 20/06/2020 15:42

Well i think she was kinda rude actually. But perhaps she finds it hard to say no/stand up for herself, you know her best. Its not a big deal though unless there is other stuff going on.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 20/06/2020 15:46

Op, ask yourself why you think she felt the need to lie?

Is it because she knows you and your family will pressure her anyway? You, your dad, you mum all asking her to come.

Is it because you know she doesn't feel comfortable around your sister or maybe your sister’s partner, but you dont care about that? And still put her in the position of having to say no.

Is it because she doesnt feel comfortable during a global pandemic in a full dining room?

she then said she hopes I dont mind but she'll see me Monday and that she thinks too many people might be in the house at once. I then said not to use that as an excuse
She has told you no. She doesnt want to. You've had a go at her. So you've said yourself she has no choice.

You now need to call her and apologise for being so pushy, say you understand she doesnt want to go tomorrow and that’s fine, and you can’t wait to see her on monday instead.

Anything else is bullying.

OrigamiParrot · 20/06/2020 15:46

Grow up.

Ernieshere · 20/06/2020 15:48

Let it be.

MagnificentTrousers · 20/06/2020 15:48

She tells me she's just a bit introverted and that she finds socialising tiring but to me she seems confident apart from when she sees my sister

So she told you how she feels, but in your opinion that's wrong? Do you often dismiss her feelings like this?

You're making a massive mountain out of a molehill here - stop and take a look at your overreaction to a fairly minor issue. She's told you she genuinely forgot - if she's not a habitual liar, why would you believe otherwise?

If she were my daughter I'd be encouraging her to think seriously about whether this is a relationship she wants to continue.

Starksforthewin · 20/06/2020 15:49

What a complete non-problem. Neither of you sound mature enough to be in a relationship.

Lovemusic33 · 20/06/2020 15:50

There’s so much over thinking going on here, you sound like hard work, she said ‘maybe’ because she probably want sure how many people would be there, at the moment it’s not really safe for many people to get together. I don’t think she lied as such, she was probably confused or misheard what was said to her. Give her a break and let it go.

diddl · 20/06/2020 15:50

"If she were my daughter I'd be encouraging her to think seriously about whether this is a relationship she wants to continue."

Definitely!

Heismyopendoor · 20/06/2020 15:50

You sound horrible. If this was my sister, and she told me what had happened I’d tell her to dump you in a heartbeat!

goingtotown · 20/06/2020 15:50

Invitations are a request not a command. Accept that she doesn’t want to go.

xmummy2princesx · 20/06/2020 15:53

Is there any reason she feels uncomfortable with your sister? I’d look into that tbh

2007Millie · 20/06/2020 15:53

Wow, you sound controlling and argumentative.

Your poor girlfriend

NailsNeedDoing · 20/06/2020 15:55

It wasn’t very nice if you to have put her on the spot like that in front of your parents. It’s easy to say ‘she shouldn’t have lied’ because obviously, lying isn’t a good thing. But think about it, I’d guess there isn’t an adult alive that hasn’t told a little meaningless lie to try and politely get out of doing something they don’t want to do.

Maybe you’re right and it is to do with your sister. It could be that one or the other of them doesn’t like each other. I have known plenty of sisters to be very quietly, manipulatively hostile to their brothers new girlfriends if they’re not that keen on them.

You should probably ask why your girlfriend doesn’t want to be around your sister, without making her feel like she’s doing something wrong when she isn’t really.

CathyComesHome · 20/06/2020 15:55

Why are you dating a girl you don’t like and seem to want to bully and control!

Swipe left for the next trending thread