To call other women out on ignoring my presence?

[Bluehues]

Is it just me or does anyone else experience this when out and about with their OH? It happens to me a lot! Females he knows, or even ones I've been introduced to, will approach us and talk to him as if I am invisible. It really gets to me, it's so rude! Yesterday a women called to our house to drop something off to my DH he'd ordered from her DH's business. I've met her previously at a country fair type thing a few years ago where she attempted to be crazily over familiar with DH, which he rebuffed, but she didn't once acknowledge me even though I was stood right beside him. Fast forward to yesterday and she knocks, I answer, she asks me if DH "lives here?" I felt like saying yeah he rents a room off me. DH appears in the porch (by coincidence, we were on our way out) and so she again cuts me out and speaks to him as if they're alone. Then!.., 10mins later we bump into her on our walk, she comes over the road completely ignoring my presence yet again, coo's over our baby asking my DH all about "his" baby as if he's a single parent. I butted in a few times with normal conversation but I'm starting to think I should outright ask women like her if they can see me!? She's just one example of many. Please tell me I'm not the only one this happens to, and do you call them out on it, or let it slide?

@kentuckyblueberry if you have no social capital you're going to have experienced passive aggressive types kicking down but possibly only if you try to come along, join in, speak up. Et cetera.

Ive only realised how some people see the world recently. They place you on a hierarchy. They may be ok to you unless you inadvertently let it be known to them that you dont see yourself as subordinate but their equal. That tiny act of seeing yrslf as somebody's equal can trigger a passive aggressive shit storm.

Im fairly confident. I know we are all equal. But im 50. Live in a tiny house, not married, ok job, i am happy, but occassionaly i will go somewhere or meet a new group and one woman will be frosty to me for not knowing my place beneath her.

Ive seen it play out a few times. A low percentage of women carry on like this but they are out there.

I like the way anne dickson explains it in her book 'a woman in your own eyes".

Opened my eyes, and from that moment on i have been too aware /ashamed to be PA.
Would rather be seen as a bit direct now.

@WinnieWonder

That sounds interesting. So in those cases it seems like it’s jostling for position in group hierarchies? Letting the uninitiated know their place? I wonder if some people also just don’t like newcomers.

I’m curious about the example you mention with the phd lady – what sort of thing does she do?

First appointment for breast cancer diagnosis. Took my mid thirties daughter for support. Consultant fixed his eyes on her, spoke about me to her throughout. He was so obviously flirting with her that I stopped being cross about it and just observed her trapped in the full onslaught of charm. Unable to leave, because he was the doctor outlining my course of treatment, we sat through it without delivering the response he properly deserved. My first experience of being a non-person. Very odd. She was glad she wasn't his patient.

Really interesting responses about hierarchy, I don’t know why I’ve had responses deny this happens either. I wasn’t asking if it happens, just wanted to gauge how common it is, and what if anything people do about it.
We’re not going to buy from them anymore, and from now on, if we’re out and about, we’ve decided DH will cut the conv dead and we’ll both walk on. It doesn’t bother me but I don’t believe anyone should stand there and take rudeness from anyone.

why the fuck are so many people calling women 'females' suddenly?

When did female become derogatory?

@1984isnow

When did female become derogatory?

Because it’s the way we describe animals it comes across that way.

But I personally don’t see a problem with “male doctor” or “female dentist”.

Sounds more like a DP problem than a "random woman" problem.

It's really rude of HIM to be leaving you standing there like a lemon while he chats to these women you don't know! HE is the common factor of these little threesomes, so it's HIS job to make sure everyone is included.

But, by the same token, why should these women be bending over backwards to include you in conversation? They don't know you from Adam, other than "soandso's wife". You're not glued to your DH, walk away, go and sit on a bench for a few minutes, have a look in the nearest shop.

I can just imagine you hanging on DH's arm, glaring at these women who DARE to approach.

Let it go, OP. YABVVU.

@zingally YABU because you haven’t read the whole thread

Men do it so much worse I find!

Two men bump into each other and both the women stand there twiddling their thumbs, it's so awkward! I can imagine both couples turn around and say to the man "so who was that then"

That would piss me off OP because it's just rude.

100% agree @iwilltaketwoplease

In my experience this usually happens more with men. Sometimes even with men you’ve previously known independently (on an equal footing with) your male partner.

It’s always irritated me, that thing of men suddenly addressing your guy once you partner up. It seems like it’s something to do with showing ‘respect’ to the other guy, and you just become a satellite of him.

Very patriarchal, and extremely annoying.

One of our neighbours started doing this actually, and it’s even more annoying as DP is living in my home.

Bluehues If you and your DH run into this woman I highly recommend the huge smile accompanied by 'Hi, how you doing?' while walking past as quickly as possible.

None of the drama of the 'you're dead to me now' approach but effectively cuts the conversation to zero. Really confuses them too.

Well, so you voted with your feet. Nice! No point in being nice then and if you do see her you might as well just look straight through her.

I used to work with guys and most of the people we sold to were guys - but not always. I'd meet the women (senior, and I was young) and I could see they were a little wary. So I would talk to them, properly, and treat them like they mattered (which they did, they were successful). I don't think I lost a deal if the client was a woman. Because they boys' were a bit condescending 😁😁. They were so sick of it and I can't blame. Women who blank other women (and it does happen) are stupid. Do they really think it will never come back to bite them?

Chalk it up to 'some people' and just get people like that out of your life as quickly as you can.

why the fuck are so many people calling women 'females' suddenly?

I don't know, but you're right, they are. My elder dc have been binge watching that fucking Friday Night Dinner programme and iirc the weirdo husband in that often calls women "females", could that be popularising it?

@fuckinghellapeacock

why the fuck are so many people calling women 'females' suddenly?

It's a Friday Night Dinner thing

It's an incel thing as well. And the agenda against being able to call women women anymore, on a smaller scale.

Never happened to me, maybe my Dh isn't attractive enough :p

This has never happened to me and lots of women do fancy my DH. I think if this ever happened my DH would loop me in immediately he wouldn't let me be ignored. I think you should speak to your husband about how it makes you feel

OP I’ve experienced this too. I’ve experienced it with DHs colleagues, I’ve experienced it from school Mums at my DCs school (he does 99% of pick ups and drop offs) and one hilarious time, he was asked out on a date infront of me and when he turned to me and said ‘what do you think?’, the lady in question said ‘oh. I suppose you could come too.’ Yes, she did know that we were together, engaged at the time.

It’s just rudeness. There’s rude people everywhere though unfortunately.