Text made me so uncomfortable

[fleabagismyspiritanimal]

Long term user, name changed for this.

So, a while ago, my company got a new CEO. Nice chap, family man etc.
Sometimes works out of our office as more local to his home then HQ.

First time I met him I was dressed very casually, with my hair in 2 long plaits, some jokes were made. But office is very casual so no one cared.
Overtime he started to use me (I am the office manager) as a sort of PA, I'm good at what I do, and he valued my input and I figured, what the hell, possible career climb.
Comments kept getting made about my pigtails and how pretty I am. But I could never find anything inherently wrong and asked a guy friend who said he didn't feel it was inappropriate but more banter.

Cut to now. I've been furloughed for a few months. Office is starting to return.
Cue a text from said CEO, to my personal phone, saying "hi ---, hows furlough been? Missed your pretty face around the office the last few months..."
Second message slides in
"I have some policy I could use your input on, but only if you wear your hair in those pigtails...."

It's made me really uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable.
This feels like a step too far. It was one thing when jokes were made, and silly comments in company emails but this is my private phone.
I'm not overreacting am I?
I haven't replied yet.

I'd do exactly as @cunningartificer has advised.

The thing is, he can possibly owing to his seniority spin this as 'nothing' and make you out to be oversensitive. Yes, I'm aware that you're not and in an ideal world he would be pulled up sharply at this point. However, if you don't think this is realistically likely then play the long game.

Ignore any impropriety until he has well and truly hung himself with that long rope he has been given.

Don't be left alone with him for any length of time, that goes without saying, if he is to shoot himself in the foot you will want witnesses, preferably more than one.

@calmcoolandcollected I'm still waiting for you to provide proof of your allegation I posted that slapping someone's arse is acceptable. Thank you.

Where did I allege that you posted that? Are you incapable of reading?

I inferred you'd think it was fine for arses to be slapped, because "in your day" inappropriate comments were fine. So sue me.

@CherryPavlova

Dressing up like a child?
Are you serious?

@calmcoolandcollected and, while you're digging up proof of your allegation, you can also provide proof that I suggested what OP Is facing is banter. I specifically stated that was how I viewed such talks in my situation.

Why would you even mention your own experiences of accepting inappropriate comments as 'banter', if you weren't implying she do the same? You've consistently told OP she shouldn't bother complaining about the CEO because he's more important than she is. And now you're being deliberately obtuse.

"When did I say this, when did I say that?". Seriously, grow up.

I never posted the CEO is more important than her. I posted that HR is not her friend, and that if it comes down to a decision between her and the CEO, she will be on the losing end of any "showdown".

Seriously, don't put words "in my mouth" to fit your narrative, and I won't ask you to back up your lies.

^that was for @Smallgoon.

@CherryPavlova but dressing up in a child like way and suggesting you use that to climb a career ladder is equally unacceptable.

Good grief.

Perhaps casual office culture leads to more misunderstandings. I expect my staff to look and behave professionally.

Because sexual harassment doesn't exist in the corporate world, right?

So many apologists in a second thread. God help us.

@calmcoolandcollected I never posted the CEO is more important than her.

I mean, you literally did. But we can both pretend you didn't if it makes you feel better. x

Life isn't fair, he's the CEO, you're not, and he, therefore, is more important to the company than are you.

More important to the company, not more important than her.

Absolutely. The poster talks of encouraging sleazy behaviour for her own advantage- climbing the career ladder. She’s well aware that child like hair style encourages ‘banter’ so chooses to continue in full knowledge it encourages inappropriate exchanges.
Both parties are culpable. Both need to modify their behaviour in a professional environment. Can’t play temptress and victim and expect to be taken seriously.

When did the OP play ‘temptress’?

Are we in the fucking 50s?

Oh my. Are you actually a manager of people? I really do hope not. I hope you don’t work in HR either. A sleazy man-apologist is of use to men sure; and I’m sure you’ve benefitted from that too.

But please don’t project your attitude onto others.

I despair.

Imagine a woman CHOOSING not to change her hairstyle because a MANCHILD decides to make sexual ‘banter’ of it.

This is EXACTLY why some men don't want women in their management teams - or any other teams. And it totally screws other women.

By going straight to hr without giving any indication you find it unwelcome you are proving you are not part of the team, you are not safe and frankly you look like you just want a payout. No man would ever do that. it would be considered such a fucking low move.

I've always wondered why men spout off about 'can't do anything any more without being accused of being harassed. Don't ever hire women or at least don't trust them or promote them.' I've always thought it was just misogynistic rubbish from bitter old men. And I stand corrected. Truly astonished at the petty, spiteful, officious advice from some posters masquerading as feminism.

It's the official route! The right thing! Always tell a grown up! Oh wait, that's what you say to children.

I don't know what roles you people are in but they would have to be ones where 'the rules' are the only thing that matters. Where whether you have a good working relationship with your boss or colleagues doesn't matter, because my god they have to watch their backs. Say the wrong thing and you'll be off to HR to tell on them.

And yet no doubt you are all happy to take the perks. The OP was happy to get some extra attention without a thought that it was happening because of her incisive business sense or superior insight.

Not that I'm blaming the OP as she's not saying she's running off to HR. But it would be fucking hypocritical if she were to. Will she get the special treatment after she tells him no? Probably not, that's life.

But seriously if you can't be cooperative, and cordial, and be clear on your rules then just don't have a job unless it's one you do on your own. Telling tales on people and then expecting them to be ok working with you us just naive and fucking entitled.

@CherryPavlova sorry but you are readimg what you wish to.

She stated that she didn't mind being utilised as a PA rather than as an office manager as she thought that may further her career. Her hairstyle was quite incidental and only mentioned due to the omgoing office banter.

Not usually one to discourage fro reporting creepy behaviour, but I think if I were in this situation..I would not go down that route for a few reasons. Not just yet anyway, might turn out its needed though. I would just reply to the normal bit, and ignore the rest. Ignore every flirty thing, and hopefully he will get the message. If not, a firm 'that makes me feel really uncomfortable' would possibly help. Only after this would I involve HR. Meanwhile, I would keep a log of all creepy behaviour.

But its entirely personal..depends how much you think HR might help. I have had really shitty HR in workplaces and when I did complain about one of my superiors groping me, it turned out he had done nothing wrong and basically if I didn't report to the police it didn't happen or I was exagerrating when he meant no harm.

Hopefully you don't have a HR like that..that was my second ever job too, at 18. It did not fill me with hope for the future at all.

@calmcoolandcollected More important to the company, not more important than her

So he's therefore more important, yes or no? Being obtuse again, I see.

@SmallGoon, You are the one who is being obtuse. You're twisting my words to suit your agenda.

Yes, in the business world, a CEO is typically more important to a company, and the company's bottom line, than is an office manager or a personal assistant.

A CEO usually has the power to hire and fire office managers and personal assistants. In this case, the CEO has the power to determine if he will use OP as a personal assistant or advance her career. He may even have the power to approve salary increases.

None of that means, that as a person, the CEO is more important than OP, just as a beggar on the streets of Kolkata is no less important than you (or me). It just means that if OP likes her job, she needs to tread carefully. No CEO is going to be terminated for the type of statements made here.

Fairly certain @CherryPavlova is a troll. Can't imagine anybody could be this tone deaf.

@Smallgoon Agree with this 100%. Those in this thread defending the harassment as just 'banter' are certainly giving off this impression. Didn't harm their careers apparently, therefore everyone else should just put up or shut up. I despair.

What utter shit. For me I have always done the same job as men, been paid exactly the same (a lot), dealt with any shit myself (except from the women who were junior who were just sneaky) and the end result had been a lot of respect, being treated well (not as a decorative accessory) and an enjoyable working life.

NOT A SINGLE PERSON HAS SAID THIS IS BANTER AND THE OP SHOULD PUT UP WITH IT.

Not a single one. What we are saying is shut it down directly with the person in question instead of behaving like a whiny bitch and running off to HR.

And to imply that anyone who says this got where they are because they were complicit or compliant is just disgusting. Absolutely vile.

I’ve always wondered why men spout off about 'can't do anything any more without being accused of being harassed

And you don’t think it’s related to their making comments similar to this CEO?

And anyone who thinks a ceo can be replaced as easily as an admin person is just deluded. He's running the fucking company people. Clues in the name Chief Executive Officer. He reports to the board of Directors, not to fucking hr 🙄.

What next? Going into Prada with £100 and demanding they sell you a dress for that? Doing a part time course on nursing for a year and demanding that they hire you as a surgeon? Because everything is exactly the same isn't it?

You're right Tatiana! Anyone that says someone has a pretty face and nice hair deserves to be fired.

Or perhaps people that can't cope shouldn't work. Or certainly shouldn't work with men.

It's your personal phone and not a number that's necessarily up to date. I'd ignore completely and block his number.

I swear people try and rule up the op to watch the drama unfold. Back in the real world - op just ignore.

Ffs Vodka I can't believe you are referring to women who report concerns about men as "whiny bitches".

Oh my god Vodka cranberry. I think you must be on it at the moment, I really feel for anyone you manage. There is employment law for a reason.