Text made me so uncomfortable

[fleabagismyspiritanimal]

Long term user, name changed for this.

So, a while ago, my company got a new CEO. Nice chap, family man etc.
Sometimes works out of our office as more local to his home then HQ.

First time I met him I was dressed very casually, with my hair in 2 long plaits, some jokes were made. But office is very casual so no one cared.
Overtime he started to use me (I am the office manager) as a sort of PA, I'm good at what I do, and he valued my input and I figured, what the hell, possible career climb.
Comments kept getting made about my pigtails and how pretty I am. But I could never find anything inherently wrong and asked a guy friend who said he didn't feel it was inappropriate but more banter.

Cut to now. I've been furloughed for a few months. Office is starting to return.
Cue a text from said CEO, to my personal phone, saying "hi ---, hows furlough been? Missed your pretty face around the office the last few months..."
Second message slides in
"I have some policy I could use your input on, but only if you wear your hair in those pigtails...."

It's made me really uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable.
This feels like a step too far. It was one thing when jokes were made, and silly comments in company emails but this is my private phone.
I'm not overreacting am I?
I haven't replied yet.

@Toptotoeunicolour you have got it in one. Bingo. The type of person who runs off to hr over something like this is not someone who is going to get anywhere much in their career. Unless they work in one of the social services type jobs where that kind of nonsense is encouraged.

It's a very female thing to do a frankly looks junior. It's also a bit underhand. Deal with shit head on and you'll go far and be treated with a lot more respect.

@SmallGoon, please point to the post where I stated being slapped on the arse is just a bit of banter. Thanking you in advance for your linking said statement.

This CEO didn't slap the OP's butt, did he? He made a comment about her appearance that made her feel uncomfortable. As I posted, she is free to go to HR, but she should be prepared for the consequences, particularly in this time of economic uncertainty.

I’d email with a copy of your company’s sexual harassment policy attached for him to take a look at, attaching screenshots of his messages to you and cc HR.

Winniewonder, you do realise he only commented on her hairstyle and pretty face, right?

In my particular situation, I didn't immediately flag it. I made it clear that I wanted it to stop. And it did for a time. But the texts and emails were something I kept, knowing that I may rely upon them later... And I did, when the CEO then did a u-turn and turned on me - he went as far as attempting to hire my replacement (in secret) whilst I was still there.

Shame that he ended being the one to leave.

My advice to OP would be to not yet flag to HR yet. I would simply ask him to stop, whether this be telling him the messages make you uncomfortable, or by simply ignoring him and seeing what his reaction is i.e. does he change tact when realising you are not entertaining the flirting.

If you start being mistreated by him as a result of asking him to stop, you need to log EVERYTHING.

I totally understand that it is awkward to confront someone in such a position of influence, about something awkward like this. You risk disrupting the good impression he has of you, and creating a bad relationship in the future. But you are absolutely right in that his words are not appropriate and this does need to be discouraged sensitively to avoid it having any unwarranted repercussions.

Can you say "Thanks, furlough has been fine, and I'm definitely not planning on any pigtails - I think I might have been giving off the wrong signals with them - lol! So strictly professional from now on for me - hope all is well with you and I'm looking forward to getting back to work"

He’s the CEO, and while that’s inappropriate it’s not an outright sacking offence, especially since you seem to have gone along with similar jokes over email/in person, so he’ll say it was just banter.

So realistically I wouldn’t complain or directly challenge him on it: even if people agree with you, and even if he apologises, you won’t “win” in any sense.

This is really poor advice, OP. You need to take this seriously especially as you have an HR department. Definitely complain. I cannot believe he was so stupid as to send you a text to your personal phone, without your permission and expect to get away with it.

He is sexually harassing you which is against the law (Equality Act 2010) and abusing his position as CEO. He has only recently joined the company, so he is possibly still in a probation period.

Put in a formal grievance.

It can be a sackable offence if HR do their job properly and follow due process. Gross misconduct I'd be pushing for. Get rid of the slime ball. You'll be doing yourself and all the other female staff a favour.

@Smallgoon

My advice to OP would be to not yet flag to HR yet. I would simply ask him to stop, whether this be telling him the messages make you uncomfortable, or by simply ignoring him and seeing what his reaction is i.e. does he change tact when realising you are not entertaining the flirting.

If you start being mistreated by him as a result of asking him to stop, you need to log EVERYTHING.

I agree. Similar to my advice.

Can you say "Thanks, furlough has been fine, and I'm definitely not planning on any pigtails - I think I might have been giving off the wrong signals with them - lol! So strictly professional from now on for me - hope all is well with you and I'm looking forward to getting back to work"

Don’t say this. No reference to pigtails, no implying you’re the one giving the wrong signals, no lols.

@calmcoolandcollected I mean, you've literally said in previous posts that inappropriate comments are just 'banter' and that she should just tolerate them.

What is your stance on arse-slapping by a CEO, curious to know?

Or racist comments by a CEO - just banter?

Don’t reply. Screen shot and contact HR. Very inappropriate.

Yes inappropriate and he has no right to make you feel this way, esp as he knows he can get away with it (thinks he can) due to his position and all. I so would have texted back "CEO, I don't wear pigtails, what ARE you talking about" then sign off the text with an immediate female colleague's name, in a senior position. See how he likes feeling uncomfortable.... if anything should come back from that, just say "oh, I thought it was just "office banter"?"

*don't know where immediate came from

He is sexually harassing you which is against the law (Equality Act 2010) and abusing his position as CEO. He has only recently joined the company, so he is possibly still in a probation period.

Hear, hear. Shame so many females in this thread seem to disagree. Just banter apparently.

*I received a significant payout when my grievance against the CEO was upheld for sexual harassment. It was higher than I expected and my guessing is because they were so worried about it getting out. Don't let anybody tell you that the CEO is untouchable. They are not.

I'd ignore the text, reply by email and concentrate on finding another job. No matter how tactful you are about turning him down, he's likely to resent it.

In most of the places I've worked that had male CEOs, they treated the female staff like their personal resource. To be fair, there are always, unfortunately, going to be women who are happy to get a promotion on their backs. It makes things very hard for the rest of us.

In US it’s not sexual harassment unless certain criteria is met.

The first requirement being that it’s unwelcome.

In order to show the behavior is unwelcome you have to directly tell the person.

I actually like this policy, and it’s worked well for me.

And I like handling things myself when possible rather than invoking help from some guy (like the suggestion to respond at the husband) or some party that only has company interest at heart (HR)

@Smallgoon I mean, you've literally said in previous posts that inappropriate comments are just 'banter' and that she should just tolerate them.

No, I posted that when I faced inappropriate comments, I viewed them as banter, and they didn't hinder my career. You don't get to make things up to suit your agenda.

I'm still waiting for you to provide proof of your allegation I posted that slapping someone's arse is acceptable. Thank you.

@ToastyCrumpet To be fair, there are always, unfortunately, going to be women who are happy to get a promotion on their backs. It makes things very hard for the rest of us.

Agree with this 100%. Those in this thread defending the harassment as just 'banter' are certainly giving off this impression. Didn't harm their careers apparently, therefore everyone else should just put up or shut up. I despair.

I have had a pass made at me by an ex boss which I made a joke of at the time (I was very young and tried to pretend nothing had happened to save him face), however he still made my life difficult afterwards. Luckily he got promoted within the company and moved to another office, however had that not happened I would have had a very difficult situation on my hands.

Personally, I think the best thing to do is ‘ignore’ it. Make sure your reply is very formal and polite, without referring to any of the inappropriate things he has said. Avoid plaits when you return to the office and then both your appearance and attitude will convey a message without you needing to say anything. I suspect that will then be the end of any inappropriate comments but if it isn’t you could consider reporting to HR.

As other posters have touched on, you should avoid confrontation if at all possible. You don’t want him to make your life difficult or give him any excuse to get rid of you, especially in the current financial climate.

[quote Smallgoon]**@ToastyCrumpet* To be fair, there are always, unfortunately, going to be women who are happy to get a promotion on their backs. It makes things very hard for the rest of us.*

Agree with this 100%. Those in this thread defending the harassment as just 'banter' are certainly giving off this impression. Didn't harm their careers apparently, therefore everyone else should just put up or shut up. I despair.[/quote]
What a ridiculous comparison.

I don’t put up with disrespectful comments but to compare someone that does with someone making their career “on their back” is wretched.

Women really are a worse enemy to their own gender than men could ever hope to be.

‘Pretty face’ is so damn patronising too.

I agree reply on a work phone about the work stuff only.

@Smallgoon Those in this thread defending the harassment as just 'banter' are certainly giving off this impression.

No one is defending the CEO. All we are saying is that OP will be on the short end of the stick if she files a complaint, and she should consider that in making a decision. She could be left in place for a bit, then declared redundant, particularly in this economic climate.

I'm still waiting for you to provide proof of your allegation I posted that slapping someone's arse is acceptable. Thank you.

@Smallgoon and, while you're digging up proof of your allegation, you can also provide proof that I suggested what OP Is facing is banter. I specifically stated that was how I viewed such talks in my situation.

Don’t reply. It’s your personal phone, not your work phone.

If he wants to contact you about work he should do it via work means.

Not replying sends a strong signal in its own right. If he asks you why you didn’t reply, say “that’s my personal phone. How did you get the number?” Pause.