Text made me so uncomfortable

[fleabagismyspiritanimal]

Long term user, name changed for this.

So, a while ago, my company got a new CEO. Nice chap, family man etc.
Sometimes works out of our office as more local to his home then HQ.

First time I met him I was dressed very casually, with my hair in 2 long plaits, some jokes were made. But office is very casual so no one cared.
Overtime he started to use me (I am the office manager) as a sort of PA, I'm good at what I do, and he valued my input and I figured, what the hell, possible career climb.
Comments kept getting made about my pigtails and how pretty I am. But I could never find anything inherently wrong and asked a guy friend who said he didn't feel it was inappropriate but more banter.

Cut to now. I've been furloughed for a few months. Office is starting to return.
Cue a text from said CEO, to my personal phone, saying "hi ---, hows furlough been? Missed your pretty face around the office the last few months..."
Second message slides in
"I have some policy I could use your input on, but only if you wear your hair in those pigtails...."

It's made me really uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable.
This feels like a step too far. It was one thing when jokes were made, and silly comments in company emails but this is my private phone.
I'm not overreacting am I?
I haven't replied yet.

But I worked successfully with men for a long time, including some complete twats. It's about sticking up for yourself but not burning your bridges over little things.
This, absolutely.

It’s shit but... do you want your job? His comments aren’t sackable and he’s the ceo. That sadly is the reality.

On a totally separate note though... pigtails!? Have they come back?!

Another sleazebag

I think I’d do a subtle double take if I saw an adult in a professional environment (actually most environments!) wearing their long hair in two plaits.
Wouldn’t comment.

But if I had to choose between two equally highly valued employees to do a presentation to an important client. One with pig tails and one without.... I would not hesitate to select the one without.

feminism to me is about fighting your own fucking battles. And not taking shit for no reason. Not running off to tell on the CEO after he commented on a hairstyle

You see, for me, it’s about freeing women individually and as a class from oppression. Wankers like the OP’s boss need a big bright light shining on them in a totally unemotional and very, very by the book way. He’s part of what drives the oppression of women - a knee in the balls isn’t the way to stop it.

By starting a procedure - and generally HR procedures are started in a light touch way - she IS fighting her own battle, using the weapons appropriate for that battle ground.

I’m afraid I have to agree, the world hasn’t moved on as much as we’d have liked and yes it takes some women to take a stance for it to do so, but the op needs to bear in mind that it is likely she will be the one who suffers if she goes to hr.

He will say “for goodness sake it was a joke, what grown woman wears pigtails to work, I was taking rhe piss and softening it with the pretty face, I say to the blokes they are handsome, but won’t do it again, Point taken”

And then he will Not wish to interact with her again, May even make it difficult for her.

So yes, she ideally would take a stance, but in the real world, it is likely she will suffer for doing so. And she needs to know that before she decides what to do. Whether she wishes to take the risk. And yes we all know it shouldn’t be like that, but it is.

Her plan of responding on email and keeping it professional is a good one.

I can’t get my head round though someone saying to pretend to be her husband and respond. She’s not a child or a little woman, she can weigh the consequences and make a decision and act herself.

@calmcoolandcollected I took on the CEO for sexual harassment and won. Is that the ‘reality’ you refer to?

Well, good for you. When OP "takes on" her CEO and is made redundant, will you offer her a position?

He will say “for goodness sake it was a joke, what grown woman wears pigtails to work, I was taking rhe piss and softening it with the pretty face, I say to the blokes they are handsome, but won’t do it again, Point taken”

And then he will Not wish to interact with her again, May even make it difficult for her.

This.

Sounds like feminism is great, but shouldn't really be encouraged in the real world. In the real world, women ought to not kick up too much of a fuss about leery male colleagues, for fear of losing their jobs.

Also, careful with your hair. Because it's accepted that people will judge you on this, regardless of your ability to do your job.

Anybody want to add anything about short skirts and reality?

Screen shot and reply from work phone NOT your personal phone. And say This is my work phone number. I'm looking forward to returning to work and working with all my colleagues again. Happy to help on any work project. Me

Then do nothing. If he's going to hang himself keep your texts absolutely neutral. Do not respond to anything in any kind of way CEO s can get fired and do. He knows -believe me he knows he is out of order and if you 'banter' back you will lose everything . No need to rush to HR. See how he responds to that. He when you see him he says 'I told you to wear pigtails' -just say 'I thought you wanted my input not my pigtails and raise an eyebrow' it will go one way or the other. You play it neutral.

I would take a screen shot for future reference but I do think it's difficult. Yes you should go to HR but I think I would just not reply because I'm a coward

it’s about freeing women individually and as a class from oppression
In the 45 years of my career I spent a few decades working in dealing rooms with a ratio of women to men of about 1:100. I never once felt that I was not free. There were times I felt that people were trying to oppress me (I wouldn't use that exact word) but they soon learned not to because I defended myself verbally. Being flirted with was a daily occurrence. Being groped occasionally was also dealt with through some deft, uncompromising, immediate action. We are talking here about a comment on a hairstyle. We are not talking about domestic violence, FGM, the right of a woman over her own body or to define her own path in the world. It's not even the usual workplace complaints about being passed over for promotion or being paid less than her peers. It's an opportunity for the OP to show what she is made of, how professional she can be, how well she handles herself. When they go low, you go high. Running off to HR is certainly not going to prove any of that.

I wouldn't go to hr myself. I can understand people saying to do that because its massively inappropriate and also sounds like he has some sort of schoolgirl fetish. However it is one text and he will pass it off as banter and showing concern for you. I'm not sure hr would do much either - its inappropriate but not harassment. Personally I'd take the route of ignoring it or making a joke back, then if he did it again I'd ask him clearly to not comment on my appearance, and then if he did it again I think you've for a clear case of harassment.

* Also, careful with your hair. Because it's accepted that people will judge you on this, regardless of your ability to do your job.*

Yep I will in a professional environment

Would Not have a man with shaved patterns or man bun in his hair give a presentation to an important client if I had an employee of equal skill with a more professionally common hair style.

Gender irrelevant.

No Eckhart that's not it. It's not about men and women - if I had an employee that would rather run to hr to try and get me fired/in trouble without even bothering to say anything at all to me first over something I've done or said that may not even be that much on my radar would I think 'yay go her. Strong woman/man sticking up for him/herself!' Or would I think 'for fucks sake there's no way I'm working with someone like that'?

No one wants to work with someone they can't trust or are on edge with - the employee has to say something to prevent that, go straight to hr and you become that person he can't trust and is on edge with.

Sounds like feminism is great, but shouldn't really be encouraged in the real world. In the real world, women ought to not kick up too much of a fuss about leery male colleagues, for fear of losing their jobs

Or men about their Leery female bosses, or any gender about their bullying bosses or their incompetent bosses, because it’s not about Male v female, it’s about junior v power. It’s David and Goliath.

And yes ideally we would all stand up to that shit, but when we do it’s important we make a decision in light of the risks we face and be prepared to loose, because we might loose. A win is not guaranteed.

And that’s what’s being said, she needs to take a decision based on the risks associated with it. Is she willing to loose? Because when you go after the ceo, for whatever reason, that’s a risk you face, and you should never gamble if you can’t afford to loose.

Yes in an ideal world she would win, he says sorry, or is fired and she goes on about her job vindicated with no come back, just like when you complain about bullying or incompetency or any other shit. But the real world isn’t fair. And power counts for something, irrelevant of your gender.

lol at the crew cut.

If he says something in appropriate again, pass it back, say ''I have not done anything to encourage these inappropriate comments and I would prefer to be professional. Can I count on you to be professional?''.

Maybe that would seem cheeky, to the CEO? But he would have bloody well asked for it.

@Juliet2014 haha - you are right. I would not hire or tolerate a man bun, shaved patterned or a chav hairstyle. If I had someone wear pigtails in I'd probably slightly raise my eyebrows but wouldn't think too much - but clearly the ceo has some kind of thing for them. Having had notice of that I would make my non compliance clear by not wearing them.

Also, careful with your hair. Because it's accepted that people will judge you on this, regardless of your ability to do your job.

Men are judged on hairstyles as well. Try having shoulder length hair as a male accountant or solicitor in a large office.

I don't think anyone has posted that what OP faces is fair. Just that if she is going to be the trailblazer in her office, there will be consequences, and some of them may be negative, up to losing her position.

@Vodkacranberryplease

My advice to OP was to tell the offender that she'd like him to stop making comments about her appearance. Not that she should report him to HR. I guess you didn't read it.

@Toptotoeunicolour that's a really stupid post. Just because YOU have managed to either bat off or not care about sexist comments does not mean that everybody else can do this, or that they did not face worse than you faced, or that it wasn't more targeted, more relentless, with an agenda to humiliate or to undermine or to discredit ...

What you went through and how you experienced it is your experience ONLY.

Reporting to HR should happen more regularly. Not less regularly

@calmcoolandcollected You realise being made redundant as a result of flagging sexual harassment by the CEO, is constructive dismissal, don't you?

I know in your world, you think being slapped on the arse is just a bit of banter, but some of us don't tolerate that shit.

If he made casual racist comments, would you laugh those off too because he's the CEO (therefore untouchable), and it's just banter?

if you get any pushback from him that you've gone along with it before and aren't now you will need to tell him that there is a line and it has been crossed.
And also that given his position, how realistic does he think a woman working under him would call him out?

I used to work for a massive Asian (important, considering how they view their CEO - just half a step under god) corporate glob. The CEO had taken a shine to me - nothing improper - but one time when we were all at a corporate shindig, he mentioned it was chilly and about 7 very much senior to me managers jumped up to be the first to get him a jacket. And i said "you really love this, don't you?" and he said "nobody gets to be the CEO without playing power games"

@Bluntness100

On this thread, it's about a male v a female. Lots of the comments are referring to that fact, which is what I was responding to.

There are more general issues, agreed. And yes, power can be abused, agreed.