Why is the term 'BM' so hated on MN?

[Wouldyougivemeamortgage]

This is a genuine question, something I'm stumped over. Why do some mums object so strongly to the term BM or bio mum or birth mum on here? I'm not being goady.

If used on a step parenting thread where there is a step mum and a mum (not wishing to use the term and annoy anyone), there is a genuine reason to differentiate but some mums are furious? I don't understand why? It's not a term that implies anything negative, just you gave birth rather than a step mum who didn't?

It's not a term that implies anything negative, just you gave birth rather than a step mum who didn't?

I think you mean the difference between the woman who is the mother of the child and the woman who is in a relationship with the father of the child. Your terminology implies that popping them out of your vagina is the only difference between a mother and any other random who occasionally looks after your child.

Anyone else think OP meant baby mum or bowel movement?

referred ffs.

And yes, I 100% thought she meant bowel movement!

So the woman looking after your children is a lesser human being then you??

Oh come off it. You know that's not what was implied by the term lesser.

Goady thread is goady.

@JoanJettPack I can tell you now, my kids still talk about & love/miss their dad's long term live-in girlfriend from a few years ago, I never met her but my kids loved her and she really loved them. His new wife has destroyed their relationship.

Because a birth mum is someone who gave birth but then gave up their child. Mum/ step mum is very clear; one is the mum and one is the step mum. That’s all that is needed.

The OP likes “absolutely nothing” about being a step mum, according to a different thread.

Which is why she’s stirring the pot here, presumably.

I am adopted. My mother is my mother, not my 'adoptive' mother. My birth/bio mother is NOT my mother, nor is she my 'real' mother.

One's Mother (capital M Mother) is a 'concept' as well as a person. One that can have very little to do with biology. She is your 'primary female parental relationship'. She can be a biological mother, an adoptive mother, even an aunty or a step-mother depending on the relationship dynamics. But those dynamics (and 'titles') need to be defined by the child him/herself when 'the time is right'. Until then the mother is the mother (whether through birth or adoption) with no descriptor needed.

I'm a mum.

I'm the one who curtailed her career and looks after my DS 24/7 340 nights a year without hesitation, I do all the care, the healing, the support. I'm the one who deals with bullying and worries, shops for shoes, chases up the dentist, choose schools, organise haircuts, thinks about diet and homework. I fight for DS's financial support.

I'm the one who sat by his hospital bedside all night by myself on Christmas Eve when he was desperately ill with swine flu. I'm the one who stays sober because I accept my responsibilities.

I don't need a prefix.

Look OP there are always going to be some situations that don't fit the norm - step-mothers of children whose mother is dead, or absent, etc.

But GENERALLY, yes the step mum is a 'lesser' figure in the child's life than their mother is. Doesn't make them a 'lesser human'

There is no need to prefix mother with anything, because its meaning is already fully encompassed by the word alone. Whereas 'step' is the amendment to 'mother'.

It's like 'grandmother' and 'great-grandmother'. They are different things - and the prefix indicates that.

I wouldn’t be offended to be called my DD’s birth mother in context. It’s a shame when posters come to this site for the first time using normal terminology for most other forums and get torn to shreds. It’s petty and unnecessary

On the other hand, people have a right to be labelled in a way they feel is appropriate. I do not choose to be labelled as my children's 'birth mum' because whilst you may not mind, I have had years of being referred to as 'just their birth mum' by my ex and his girlfriend. It matters very much to me and I would suggest it's petty and unnecessary to ignore my feelings and thoughts on the matter.

And as everyone else said, I didn't put my children up for adoption, they are not in care and I am very much alive. I am their mum. Do you don't need to qualify that with 'birth'.

Because I am my child’s mum. If my DH and I got divorced and he remarried the other woman would be my child’s step mum, I would still be my child’s mum. The differentiator is already there. I am the mum,not step mum.

Because mother and stepmother is enough.

Bio or birth mother refers to a woman who has no further input in her child’s life due to adoption, so it’s not appropriate for a mother who shares custody with an ex.

I’m both a mother and a stepmother and those terms are accurate in both situations. I am not equal to stepdaughter’s mother, who gestated, birthed and raised her for ten years before I even entered the picture and who continues to raise her the bulk of the week. I love my stepdaughter dearly and don’t see the ‘step’ as an insult, just a statement of fact (and in day to day life we say ‘bonus‘ anyway (as in bonus parent/bonus child) but in law I am her stepmother.

I blame all those Grimm fairy stories featuring hateful, resentful and murderous stepmothers - without that shit there would be no need to agonise over what is actually a neutral term.

Why don’t you just be honest about your motivation here @Wouldyougivemeamortgage?

The faux, wide-eyes “aren’t all humans equal” shite is hard to stomach.

The distinction is already there. Mum and stepmum. Why is another one necessary? And I say this as someone with a stepchild who is loved and a part of this family.

She’s my stepchild, not my child. And I’ve been extremely involved in her life, even when DH worked out of the country. That didn’t make me equal to or anywhere near her mother. Because she has one.

It’s not difficult to understand, so why are you pretending that it is?

What about someone who does give birth to a child but conception was using donor eggs from anonymous donor?

So the woman looking after your children is a lesser human being then you?

And you say you're not trying to cause issues .

1. I don't choose to have any other woman looking after my children. There time in their father's home is to be with him. I have no choice, as an equal parent, as to who my children come into contact with when they are with their father. And as an aside, I certainly wouldn't choose their step mother (but that's a long, other story).
2. She is as human as I am but yes, she is very much lesser than me in my children's lives. She didnt' grow them, give birth to them, feed them, or anything else. She doesn't support them financially (and actively seeks to make sure my ex doesn't either) and won't have them in her home if they are ill (she will literally send them home if they get sick when with her). She doesn't help with homework or drop them off at school. She will happily keep up appearances and turn up at parent's evening or the school play (and take one of only two tickets the school gives per family) because she knows exactly how to play the game. She is not behaving as a parent in any way, shape or form.

But apparently, it needs to be clarified that I am their 'birth mum'. ODFOD.

What about someone who does give birth to a child but conception was using donor eggs from anonymous donor?

That’s a mother who used donor eggs. Which hasn’t got anything to do with anyone except the mother, her child, and a partner if she has one.

We don’t need another word for that because only the child’s doctor needs that additional info.

I've never seen it and I've been here 13 years. I thought it meant best man or bridesmaid!

So the woman looking after your children is a lesser human being then you??

No, but you're lesser when it comes to relationships with my children. I think you're deliberately misunderstanding and being goady tbh. Because it's just common sense. Nothing to take offence at.

The only times I ever come across bio/birth mother outside of adoption is when dad's new girlfriend/partner/wife is over stepping boundaries and sees themself as an equal parent to the mum, which they're not. Or a passive aggressive way of demeaning the children's mother.

Based in your logic, OP, should people always talk about their DC as bio DC to differentiate from step DC? They don't. People say DS or DD and DSD or DSS on here and no one complains because it makes complete sense. The B is redundant.

A quick view of the thread the OP references, in which her answer to 'What do you like about being a step-mum?" is 'Absolutely nothing', probably throws some light on where this is going...

Jesus, OP 😂🤣😂 Talk about embarrassing. Too right you should never be equal to the children’s mother with an attitude like this 🙄

@Inkpaperstars
"What about someone who does give birth to a child but conception was using donor eggs from anonymous donor?"

If she raises the child, she is the mother. She's the legal mother, the birth mother and the "real" mother.

The egg donor is just that, an egg donor. I suppose technically she's the biological mother too, genetically speaking.

I can only assume you are a step parent..

It has been explained why ...... so now you don't like that explanation..

Whilst a mum is involved no the Step parent will not be equal... if you seperate you don't have legal rights to contact. The relationship with Step mum is so variable, known since a baby to EOW at 13 is very different.

My mum was a complete bitch but she is still my mum.