AIBU to ask if there is anything you wish you could have done differently before having children?

[jumpingjenn3h]

Hoping to TTC with my fiance in 2022 and just wondered if there is anything you would you could have done differently or wish you would have known before having dc?

I am 30 so trying to strike the balance between having security and feeling in the right place financially, with our jobs and in a house we are ready to bring children up in - and not leaving it too long incase we struggle with any infertility issues. We have a big holiday planned next year for a very special occasion (would be outing to elaborate but family related)! So hoping to the following year!

I would love to know your thoughts/ experiences/ wisdom!

Found a job that would let me work part time

I wish I had not waited for the NHS to refer me for my infertilty treatments. Started ttc at 29 and didn’t get my baby until 39 with 5-6 years wasted by the NHS.

This is odd but is what instantly came to mind.

I wish I'd sorted out our photos of us as a couple. Maybe some photobooks, digital back ups and some prints of the good ones. Take photos of work and your colleagues - you spend lots of time there but it's rarely recorded.

Ours were a mess and then we lost them due to a hard drive failure and I hate the fact it appears we didn't exist before we had kids!!

Plus you won't have time to do it after you have kids.

Now ours are bigger (8 and 5) I'd love to get out physical albums and show them what we did before them.

Oh and start yoga.

Get a good solid practice going now which will be easier to continue through pregnancy and then swiftly into post natal.

Is amazing for supporting your body through pregnancy and beyond.

@GrumpyHoonMain 5-6 years is absolutely shocking! Do you mind elaborating why? Don't worry if not, I am sure this is very personal. Would you advise to go private if facing with fertility issues?

I am happy you got your bundle of joy in the end, albeit with a longer wait than you would have hoped for!

I am a notorious planner and I think it shows that in life; you can't always plan things and your path doesn't always go the way you think it will go!

@FusionChefGeoff wow great (unique) advice!

You know i hadnt even thought about that with yoga, but it makes sense! Did you do this and if so, did you find it helped?

For us, we thought about the one place we wanted to travel to, and for us, it was Japan, so we saved and went away last year. We are now approaching our first month TTC and I'm glad, for us, that we went somewhere, where let's me honest, isn't a kids holiday

Got rid of lots of stuff. I wish I'd paired back and organise my (our) stuff before having even more stuff arrive.

Gone on one more holiday just the 2 of us and enjoyed being a couple and sleeping in passed 7:30 and going out to dinner.

I was financially secure, with a house and had a job that would enable me to work part time. I wouldn’t change that.
What I would change is socially I didn’t know anyone with young children, I was the first of my group of friends and really struggled with loneliness. I would definitely join every antenatal group going, which I didn’t do, so I could meet other new parents. I didn’t need the information the groups offered so thought they wouldn’t be worth going to but they would have been just for the comraderie and possible friendships.

I did yoga after my first but tailed off and then really got into after my second - by which point my body was pretty ruined . I then enviously watched ladies in my class get pregnant and still keep an almost full practice going throughout - they were just super strong to start with.

I just wished I'd got properly into it before any children so that it would have been a way of life.

I love yoga now

I agree about yoga.

One thing I did do is absolutely savoured every lie in. I’d heard about early wakings from friends. So I really made sure I enjoyed them. Now, 7am is a lie in. And I also made sure I had loads of fun, the kind of fun you can’t do with kids. But that’s hard now with lockdown

@ReginaaPhalange its funny you say that... we've talked about squeezing in a trip to japan (if we can!!!) maybe next winter during their autumn season. Me and DF have always wanted to go and it doesn't seem to be a place that you can easily take toddlers! I will have to see where we are financially as its not a cheap holiday! Do you recommend it? Hope not to de rail my own thread (ha!) But do you mind saying where you went in japan? Any recommendations?

@Boringnamechanging sleeping in past 7.30am... sob!!!! I love my lie ins.. especially at weekend. Note to self; make the most of it now!

@ThickFast ... 7am is a lie in !!!
Oh hell.
May have to delay TTC for a further few years 😂😜 joking!

@jumpingjenn3h we went in November and flew into Tokyo for 5 nights! We then took the bullet train to Kyoto for 4 nights. We in Tokyo, we stayed in the ibis hotel just down from Shinjuku station as it was very central!

Japan was absolutely beautiful, the scenery, culture and food is wonderful and the people are the friendliest I have ever come across!

Desperate to go back but that will have to wait!!!

@ReginaaPhalange oh brilliant I am glad it was worth your trip. I was looking at Tokyo, kyoto and maybe a night or two in hakone!

I will have to try and convince DF now hehe our holiday got cancelled this year understandably so I think I have a strong case 😛

Travelled more - a lot more - when I was young. Not rushed into getting tied in to a job that carried a lot of debt to get through training.

Not chosen to marry shitty exh, but I’m not sure I would change they as I wouldn’t have the same dc.

There's so many things you can still do with kids, including having lie ins ..you just work as a team and take it turns. You also adjust to going to bed early and waking early.

One thing you absolutely cannot do , in my experience, is have a relaxing holiday. You can have an overnight stay, you can have a weekend away maybe..but that weeks holiday relaxing in the sun or going somewhere adventurous is out of the question. .

I woild love to have a week in Rhodes..relaxing , swimming, drinking & eating. Doing whatever we wanted. Even if a grandparent looked after the little one, we would still be worrying about them.

Another vote for travel, but not necessarily big trips, I really regret not doing the Amsterdam and Berlin city breaks I'd always wanted to do. Even with older children a city break isn't the same - I think they have to be teens before you get the 'city break' vibe back.

Also I wish we'd just taken out a bit more of a mortgage and got the whole house renovated - we could much more easily find the discipline to pay a £200 per month higher mortgage, but it's annoying saving up and then disrupting the kids and the dust etc.

Wish I'd travelled more.
Worked harder to get a better paid job/studied further(prob still can when DC older)
Wish I'd learnt some skills, took classes and spent time becoming good at some talents!

Even if a grandparent looked after the little one, we would still be worrying about them.

This.

Once you have a child you will never be truly carefree again - you will always be slightly anxious that something will happen to them. It's like the greatest love and most incredible thing but it comes with the risk of the greatest pain. It's still worth it, but if I'd known that would hang over me forever I would have allowed myself 2-3 extra carefree years!

@Hollyhead ahh this something that crosses my mind an awful lot, I have had therapy for anxiety and part of the problem was constantly worrying about my family dying and catastrophising daily. It was exhausting!

I am better now but occasionally it rears its head. Its something I do worry is going to affect me badly if (hopefully) we have children. I have always wanted children and I am going to try and hope my anxiety doesn't get the better of me! Although of course I appreciate it is natural and normal to worry to an extent, but I imagine its still never ending!

7am is a lie in !!!

I honestly would never have believed this before I became a parent but it really is true. In fact during bad phases even 6.30am can be a lie in.

It's true what a PP said though, you get round it easily enough by taking turns with your partner. Still exhausting though.

FWIW I did Japan with my 7 year old and we had a blast. Having a child shouldn't stop you from seeing the world. I want to see everything the world has to offer, why not do it with my mini best friend by my side.

Ok so my advice. Do not ignore it!
Get all of your finances in order. Will, life insurance, savings account in your name only with enough to support you and a child for a few months.
Make copies of all of your documents and secure them somewhere secure online. Passport, birth certificates, mortgage and land registry docs, bank and shares details, p60s for both of you.
99.9% sure you will never need to use any of it. But please do it anyway. People change and life is hard. Please do not ignore.