AIBU to ask if there is anything you wish you could have done differently before having children?

[jumpingjenn3h]

Hoping to TTC with my fiance in 2022 and just wondered if there is anything you would you could have done differently or wish you would have known before having dc?

I am 30 so trying to strike the balance between having security and feeling in the right place financially, with our jobs and in a house we are ready to bring children up in - and not leaving it too long incase we struggle with any infertility issues. We have a big holiday planned next year for a very special occasion (would be outing to elaborate but family related)! So hoping to the following year!

I would love to know your thoughts/ experiences/ wisdom!

It's a difficult one for me. I got pregnant soon after meeting DH (weeks) and we married the year after DS was born. I would have loved to have done more stuff together as a couple, but he had teenage children so we didn't do much as just the two of us. And then he died when DS was 18, so if we had waited to have DS, he would have been younger than that when he lost his dad, and he's struggling to deal with it now so I can't imagine how hard it would be if he was 12, 13 or so. So on balance I can't have any regrets.

1. Get the house you want to live in while raising kids
2. Get the job you want to be doing the rest of your life. Take maternity leave on that job only
3. Do not give up career once you have children. It’s repeated so often that it sounds like a cliche but do not do this mistake ever
4. Do have one or two great holidays before having kids though it sounds like you are already doing that.

Hope that is helpful.

Yoga and pilates. I ended up with forceps and the women's physio said I was very lucky to get away with mild urinary incontinence (she was expecting prolapse).

I wish I had saved up more and not spent my money on useless crap.

Also wish I tried earlier as it took so long for me to conceive which means it's unlikely I will have another.

1. find a job you might be happy in for 5-6 years. It is much easier to take mat leave and ask for flexible working where you’ve been established somewhere. I thought I’d move on after baby no.1 but timing wise meant it wasn’t right to start somewhere new before having no.2. I’ve probably been in my job a bit too long now and need to move for progression.

2. be as fit as you can before conceiving. My second pregnancy when I was heavier was much harder on my joints.

3. start doing pelvic floor exercises

4. travel. People will tell you a baby shouldn’t stop you travelling. It might not but holidays are different and hard work with small people.

5. enjoy lie/ins. My children have slept well. Both through the night from 10 weeks but even then years of early starts with little time to recover does take its toll.

Have a life.

Agree with most of the other posters here.

The one thing I wish we could have done was make sure we had finished renovating our house. We done everything except the bathrooms and now that sort of thing is on the back burner as we have a massive childcare bill each month. I would make sure everything in the house was organised and had a place, as once kids are in the mix you won’t get a chance to rearrange anything again!

We dis a few long haul trips but I wish we'd fitted in some more city breaks as I've never fancied going with kids.

I wished I'd researched nurseries before I gave birth rather than spending my one free hour of the day looking into Ofsted reports and arranging visits around a newborn and missing out on the best one as they were full on the days we wanted.

If there are any courses at work especially those that involve study or trips get them in beforehand if you can.

In hindsight I'd have tried to lose weight first as I ate like a pig the first few months as it was the only thing that stopped me feeling sick. I had to eat much more carbs than normal so it would have been better if I'd started off lighter than normal, it might have offset the weight gain. I lost it but I reckon a few pounds less and my stretch marks would have been much better

I wish I had become an international drug trafficker and made loads of money. I'm obviously joking but I do wish I'd been less square as now I have to be square.

One thing I would definitely do is make sure your DP is ready to do his fair share re hours of childcare, household stuff. I'd actually set an agreement now for when baby arrives and then review later on.

Make sure partner is already doing over half the mental load and housework to a good standard and without whining or micromanagement. When you have children you don't have time or room in your heart to point out 20 times a week to get ready for bin day, pick up their own towels, not wait for you to initiate laundry tasks!

Yes was going to say talk to your DH about what life looks like after the DC arrives - how long you will take mat leave, him shared parental

Opinions on childcare, what happens when the DC are ill

Future career objectives

Consider that you might not have a NT child and how you would cope with a child with a disability.

I wish I'd read the Marie Kondo bok before the kids arrived and followed it to the letter! I was working full time and studying until just before I got pregnant so thought I'd do it before the baby came - I had a rough pregnancy so there was no time. It would have been so much quicker and easier without children. We've moved twice since DS1 arrived and I was staggered when I finally did it clear out at how much unnecessary crap we were holding onto. Could have saved ourselves a shed load of lifting and shifting of we'd got rid sooner.

Same goes for decorating.

Oo and I'd do some nights out stuff, like going to see something in London and staying over.

Really really enjoy just doing nothing. Be as spontaneous as possible. Travel as much as possible. Enjoy your nightlife/hobby etc as it will be years before you can properly enjoy them again.

I didnt get to enjoy each life stage as much as we barely spent anytime in it before rapidly moving on to the next one. Bought a house after 2 years, engaged after 2 years, married at 3 years, began ttc straight away. Had my first at 32. Now at 35 on second home and pregnant with my second.

I wish there had been more time to enjoy being homeowners before saving for a wedding. I wish there had been more time to enjoy being newlyweds before ttc. But we got together at 28 and felt like we had to cram a lot in. As it is it has taken ages to concieve #2.

Sorry, this has turned into a bit of a monologue! Enjoy each stage before the next one is my main point!

Even if a grandparent looked after the little one, we would still be worrying about them.

This wasn't the case for me. I was very confident with my parents or Dsis having the DC.

I'd say financial stability and some savings, so you enjoy your maternity leave and aren't broke. Being able to take a year off work, without worrying about money is great.

I have a friend who saved the equivalent of her annual salary for when she was on mat leave, so she could have the same amount of money to spend while she was off.

Honestly, nothing in particular. Life doesn’t stop when you have a child, in my experience.

Sorry, jumped from half way through to the end.

Loads of good advice.

Has anyone suggested, if you plan on a baby prior to marriage, that your financial and legal position is water-tight?

I'm really old. I don't know why, if as a woman, you're on track for the legal protections that marriage give you (or heterosexual civil partnerships), you don't nail that first.

Im old enough to be friends with women in their late 50s, 60s now whose children are throwing them out of lifetime houses once dad dies.

I would have ttc earlier. It took a ya 2.5 years with unexplained infertility aka they couldn't find anything wrong. We started ttc age 27 on our 2nd wedding anniversary.
Up to one year ttc is normal.

Children dong stop your life, you can still go on Holliday etc it's just a different holiday.

I agree with people re finances and stable loving arrangements, making sure you and your OH have a equal partnership as having children requires team work! Aka house hold chores etc

Look into maternity leave and pay, how long you would take off? Will you go part time? Nurseries? Who will do the main bulk of childcare? Xxxx

I wish I’d saved more (or at all tbh)
I frittered away thousands on stupid stuff, mainly clothes and makeup, most of which I’ve now given to charity or thrown away.
It’s only just hitting home now, at the age of 42, how much I should have saved for my DD’s future in terms of school, university etc - and I’m panicking.

Get in to really good habits of looking after your mental and physical health so you don't forget to do either when you're busy being a mum.

Buy a property that will last you as long as possible.

Go on lots of holidays.

Have lots of lie-ins.

Have lots of sex.

Eat fancy food.

Save more money than you think you'll need for your maternity leave so you can relax and enjoy it.

I did actually do all of those things and have loved (almost) every minute of being dd's mummy.

Another vote for travel!

I'm still TTC, so not a mum yet, but saw you asked another poster why they took so long to TTC and their issues with the NHS. I wish I'd insisted on testing more often when I realised we had infertility issues, asked for IVF referral much sooner & wish I'd paid for private treatment much earlier too. We've TTC 9yrs now, 3 losses and no kids.

I initially saw GP PRIOR to TTC as assumed having a general check of vaccines, general health etc was the norm. Apparently not in the UK and she just said start folic acid, stop the pill and get going!

Returned to GP a year later as still TTC and nothing happening. She refused doing a blood test as it had only been 11.5mths, not 12mths. Told me to relax and stop worrying! I certainly wasn't worried or stressed at that time though.

Finally got a blood test of my hormones done- they were normal, and not referred to infertility services or any other tests despite asking

3yrs on at this stage, I got a very senior, stressful job role and worked away from home occasionally. I was still off the pill, but pursuing TTC and infertility issues took a back seat.

Lost 10kg, left the stressful job and conceived the next month- but had issues and lost at 11 weeks.

I've since changed GP's, but now much older now and another 2 losses.

I have a very happy life with DH, but never thought I'd still be childless now. Just wished I'd made TTC higher on my priority list in early 30's when I started TTC, rather than thinking 'I'm still young, things will be fine'.

Travel, city breaks away, lie ins, evening or gym classes after work and lots of dinners out. Savour doing these all spontaneously without having to worry about childcare or finances.

I agree with travel more.
I grew up in a terrible household, so moved out at 18 and had to financially support myself, I didn't have the money or time off work (crappy jobs tbh) to really see the world.
I've always wanted to see Rome, Venice, the Northern Lights, Athens.
I went to benidorm for my honeymoon because it was cheap.
I love my boys, but they do cost money and travelling with them being so young (1yo and 2yo) just won't be possible for a very long time.
We'll see.
It'll happen, maybe when they're teenagers and they can come with us, maybe when they're adult.
Time will tell.

To add to all of the other good advice - I wish I had eaten at more of the restaurants on my bucket list (some fancy, some not so).

Also wished we had found our family home, however nothing seemed quite right at the time, but looking back some would have been fine (we were being too picky!)

If you have a garden, make it child friendly and very low maintenance ready for the crawling stage. It sneaks up on you.

Make your life as uncomplicated as possible, such as complete renovations, debts under control, ditch the toxic people etc

Both get a steady job with flexibility.