AIBU to ask if there is anything you wish you could have done differently before having children?

[jumpingjenn3h]

Hoping to TTC with my fiance in 2022 and just wondered if there is anything you would you could have done differently or wish you would have known before having dc?

I am 30 so trying to strike the balance between having security and feeling in the right place financially, with our jobs and in a house we are ready to bring children up in - and not leaving it too long incase we struggle with any infertility issues. We have a big holiday planned next year for a very special occasion (would be outing to elaborate but family related)! So hoping to the following year!

I would love to know your thoughts/ experiences/ wisdom!

[WhiteCat1704]

Get married and have an amazing honeymoon.
We got married after and it was more of a formality then. No chance of a great, long honeymoon with a young child..even if you have grandparents/childcare you will just worry about the child.
Do it while childless and relatively carefree.

[LadyCassandra]

Some really good advice here. I would add that you can do everything in the “right” order: marriage, house, career, etc and it can all still turn out differently.
My main thing I would add is to make sure you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to parenting. We are are on opposite ends of a spectrum when it comes to discipline and other issues, mainly due to our own upbringing, and it’s caused a lot of issues.

[ECBC]

More holidays, read more books, had more sex-for-the-sake-of-sex and not sex-because-I-want-a-baby-sex. Enjoyed my evenings doing whatever I wanted, enjoyed the opportunity to be spontaneous ☺️

[Enterthedragons]

I’m still a bit shocked at the poster who said they left their 6 month old baby outside a party with the random bouncers!!

I totally agree that getting anything done with the house is an impossibility for a while so try to sort that first. (That being said our baby-proofed house with crayon on the walls and drink stains on the carpet is not our forever home. I want to start afresh when the kids are older and hopefully less messy!)

[Anewmum2018]

Op I was like you(probably much more extreme) and was obsessed with getting my ducks in a row before having a baby. Like OBSESSED. right job, right house ya ya ya. By the time I had a baby I’d realised I hadn’t given one thought to what the reality of having a baby would be like, I’d been so obsessed with making sure I was having him at the right time, and that my life was sorted. Obvs fell into massive PND! So what I’m trying to say in a round about way is, defo do fun stuff now like everyone’s saying- but remember, life will just do what it likes with regards to having a kid. Also- it’s not the end of life, it’s just the start of a different part of it!

[sooveritalready]

I'd do more weekends away and overnight boutique hotels. You can do it with a baby but it's not the same.
I'd eat out in more fancy restaurants.
And I'd go on holidays. DH and I had a long haul beach baby moon and we still talk about it three years later.

Most importantly I'd enjoy the baby time. I found the change quite hard and the rebalancing of housework and childcare with DH. So the tips in the post about balance for you and as a couple are really good points.

[BessMarvin]

I'm 4 years in with baby 2 at the moment, these are my thoughts.

We had our wedding with our first at toddler age. Wish so much we'd got married before children cos it would have been fun as opposed to hard work and boring.

Wish we'd finished all work on the house first.

Do all sorting, organising stuff beforehand because we have no time to do anything for ages.

Make sure you and your fiancé agree on how you want to parent, and that you have the same views on housework sharing etc.

If you are the first in your group to have children they will probably not understand how much your lives are going to change. If you decide to have ott hen do for example it may be tricky if they do the same and then you can't go because of babies, which they then may well not understand.

[areyoubeingserviced]

I did all the things that other posters said they wished they had done before having children. I travelled the world, bought a house, saved money, went to the gym , studied hard , had a great wedding etc
However, as another poster said, I wish I had distanced myself from toxic individuals who marred my enjoyment of life .

[dentydown]

Setting boundaries with other adults. My life is hell right now because so many people have interfered with me raising the kids.

Silly examples are you say “no” to something another adult gives it to the child anyway. You take it off the child, the other adult takes it off you/gets another thing and gives it back to the child whilst shouting at you telling you that you are a bad mother. Stand up to that straight away.

[Fluffymulletstyle]

All the things mentioned before, travel to places you can't with children. Take calculated risks with your career and any opportunitys that come your way to allow you to be in a better position for senior positions/ part time work. Get fit if you are not already. See friends lots.

All of this advice doesn't really work in the middle of a pandemic tho. Now I would work my socks of to get financially stable and buy a house if possible. Possibly retrain if I though my job role was at risk to something with a more stable future.

My friends pretty much all got married around 30-32, babies arrived 30-35. It was brilliant going through the same experience at the same time. I would have felt very isolated bring the first.

[recklessruby]

Well in a way I wish I had grown up and been a proper adult and finished uni as it was hard doing that at 36 instead of 18 but if I had I might not have my lovely ds as my dp was killed in a road accident age 24.
I wish I d been older and more prepared but ds is 32 now and likes having a young mum.

[burritofan]

Sleep. Savings. Sex. Lots of all of those before having a baby.

I wish I'd got my job first – I was freelance and funded my own maternity leave – so I'd have had the option to apply for flexible working when I went back.

Oh, and I'd have bought and renovated our house first rather than with a crawling baby, now a toddler, getting in the way of every project.

[ColourMeExhausted]

Oh and just to add, I realise that many people take their DC on holiday no probs and we have had plenty of UK breaks. I'm talking about long hot lazy holidays, where you don't want to do much. We had it bad with both DC's sleep, so I didn't want to go somewhere hot and have to deal with all that. And I'm not really a fan of taking very young DC to hot places, it's not really for them that you're going, is it? So yes - to clarify, take a selfish hugely indulgent holiday with no kids clubs in site while you can!

[ColourMeExhausted]

I had my DC at 35 and 38 so I felt I'd done most of what I wanted to do before becoming a parent. But the one thing I do regret is not having more holidays. When we got together, after our first year together when we did a fabulously long holiday in Italy, me and DH always seemed to be focused on one project or the other - buying a house, saving for our wedding. Just after we bought our first house together, I lost my job. Found another one and all worked out but it made us very wary of not splurging. So our honeymoon, whilst lovely, was rather low key. I got pregnant with DD as soon as we got back, and tbh that put any big holiday plans on hold. Five years later, we finally had a kid free trip away planned overseas...and the pandemic happened!! I don't live for my next holiday or anything, but I wish we had splurged a bit more pre kids. As regrets go, it's not the worst!

Oh. And sleep. Get ALL the sleep in you can, lazy lie ins, naps...because if your DC is like mine, well, let's put it this way, sleep will never be the same again

[ScarletZebra]

Second the pp who said get married first. I assume you plan to marry as you describe him as your fiance.

Sort out surnames before the baby arrives, especially if you don't marry first. Bear in mind that if a baby has your surname and you marry, you can easily at that point change your and your baby's name to his (if that is what you want to do). If you give the baby his name and split up, it doesn't work the other way.

What I wish I had done, and you mention therapy, is had counselling pre children. I have a narc DM and a Golden DB and was terrified of doing the same to my DC. I was also terrified of having a girl then a boy, which is of course what happened. We went on to have 3 more DC just to avoid repeating my family pattern. I love them to death, don't get me wrong, but our life would have been so much easier if we hadn't had 4 under 5.

We didn't manage holidays pre DC but have had quite a few since, so I don't really understand the obsession with having loads of trips just in case. Certain ages cause issues with certain places but children travel.

[sunlightflower]

I have noticed that groups of friends do often have babies around the same age. For my group, people started late twenties, there were a lot when we were around 30/31 and now we are reaching mid thirties most of us who wanted children are done.

[StoneSourFan]

I'm 31 now and at 30 I was the last to have a baby. They all started when they were around 27-28. I think like you said it's circumstances x

[Misscoffeecrazy3]

I wouldn’t have been in such a rush, enjoyed earning for a little while and got into a better financial position. Probably buy a house. Enjoyed more date nights and weekends away. We have 2 little ones now and it’s a real slog savings the pennies to save up a deposit with all the other outgoings. I was of the opinion that I absolutely couldn’t wait to have children (26 years old). I wish I had realised there was no need to rush.

[pitterpatterrain]

I was the first to have DC at 30, and most of my close friends from school / uni haven’t had DC - and it’s looking like most of them won’t

I do wonder whether it’s a generational thing. It’s just one of those things you get used to

I have made new friends through meeting people with DC

[Mo81]

Op there will always be a later opertunity to do the things you want kids grow up leave home you get your life back. I wouldnt change a thing except my career choice as it not very family friendly.

[peajotter]

I also wish I’d found friends with older kids. We were the first in our friendship group and had just moved house when dc1 was born.

I went along to all the groups and although I made some friends I did find the constant comparing and baby discussions draining. Then I found a group of friends (at a local church) who had older kids. Much better advice and help with the new baby stage, plus lots of hand me downs and teenagers to babysit.

[jumpingjenn3h]

@SandysMam thank you for your advice! I do see what you mean completely. I think the earliest we can try realistically is 2022 and I am hoping my age (32) won't be too much of a barrier.. eek.

Interestingly and perhaps a generational theme here but none of my friends yet have had children.. we are all between the ages of 30-33. If I was to conceive now (not planning to) i would be the first out of our friendship group!

Has anyone else found this with their friends?

Its from a mix of friends not finding the right partner for them yet, focusing on careers, home ownership, one darling friend unfortunately lost her partner when he was 30 years old (heartbreaking) and another friend is ready for dc but waiting to move out of their 1 bed flat and buy a family house! The time isn't great for her atm to buy with covid 19

[SandysMam]

If I was 30 and really wanted kids, I would just crack on with it. Biologically, 30 isn’t young to be a first time mum. I know too many people who waited until the right time, and are still waiting for their baby.

[ThickFast]

@jumpingjenn3h sometimes I think back to my lie ins pre kids. And feel happy that I had them. Usual time to be up now is around 6. Sometimes 5am. Doesn’t matter what time I put them to bed, they still just wake up early.