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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being unreasonable not wanting to loose weight?

183 replies

Miss2009 · 18/06/2020 15:04

I'm a 32 (soon to be 33) year old female. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 10 years. I used to be a little underweight when we first met. I was forcing myself to eat a little bit more each week as I wanted to be at a healthy weight in order to conceive at some point in the future. 10 years later I am overweight and trying to loose a couple of stone to get back to a healthy weight again. We have never been on a proper holiday together, mainly because of affording it. We've had long weekends around the UK but I've always wanted to go somewhere on a beach with him for longer than a weekend. I have always believed that a partner should love you no matter what you look like. Anyway, a holiday destination was mentioned on TV today and I asked him if we could go once the coronavirus has gone. He seemed really annoyed that I had asked him. He was playing games on his phone at the time. I asked him if we were ever going to go on holiday and he exclaimed "yes!, but once you loose the weight! He then started going on about how we will be limited on activities we can do on holiday. The only limitation I have is walking slow because I have a condition where I drag my left leg behind me slightly. I also have a tendency to trip up if I walk fast and if I do walk fast my asthma starts to flare up. I've always had these issues, even before I put the weight on. He doesn't hold my hand when we're out together because apparently I slow him down. He thinks if I lose the weight all of these things will go away and I will be faster. I have explained to him, that even if I lose the weight, where there might be an improvement, my walking speed and asthma may stay the same. I also said we can still go on holiday, whether I am overweight or not, he should love me for who I am. He thinks I'm just being stubborn and don't want to lose the weight. I do want to lose it but I want to do it for me, not because he wants me to. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
sociallydistained · 20/06/2020 09:58

He sounds horrible I can't ever imagine hearing this from a man and I'd be off straight away! I think you've been in this relationship too long and lost sight of what happiness is. You could be so much happier with someone else... or alone!

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 20/06/2020 10:22

Can your dad tell him to get out of his flat?

Hufflepuff21 · 20/06/2020 10:40

Just keep repeating that he needs to leave. You're in a good position in that you don't have children with this utter bell end plus the flat is yours. He needs to leave. Simple. Get your family to support you and get him out of your life. You've got this OP! 💪💪💪

BendyLikeBeckham · 20/06/2020 10:42

oh OP, what an awful awful man. Well done for standing up and showing him you won't be walked over any more.

Call your dad and ask him to come over and get this loser out. Start packing up his shit in binbags. Don't delay or you will wobble and your low self esteem gremlin will try and talk you out of it.

PP was right. Even 1% of a sandwich that contains shit means you wouldn't eat it. You know the amount of abuse in a relationship that is acceptable? None.

LouiseTrees · 20/06/2020 10:43

You need to leave this twat! Now!

LouiseTrees · 20/06/2020 10:44

@Miss2009

So I've got time to ditch him, find someone who wants children and have them?
Yes yes you do.
MrDarcysMa · 20/06/2020 10:51

He sounds very cruel and dismissive of you.

However if you've gone from underweight to overweight at 5 ft that means you've put about 5 stone on, so it's reasonable that he might be worried about your health or even find you unattractive. What's not reasonable is the way he is expressing that to you, he sounds like a childish coward, and probably contributing to any further weight gain and self esteem problems - the 2 are often linked.

YukoandHiro · 20/06/2020 10:52

Two issues here - him, and you.
You: I sympathise, it's so hard when you're short.At 5ft exactly, you are fairly overweight. It's more than two stone you need to lose. I'm also 5ft and only register as healthy on BMI index when I stay under 8 st 9oz. I know because I hovered at 9 stone for ages and genuinely felt the difference. TBH only lost it by breastfeeding! But feel so much better at about 8 stone. I should say at 5ft I still have cellulite and small love handles at 8 stone. I do think you have a bit of a journey to go on. BUT of course your should ONLY be doing that for you.

Him: that sounds like verbal abuse/the start of coercive control to me. He's forcing you to put on hold something you want and would enjoy until you meet his arbitrary standards. This is not the behaviour of someone who truly loves you.

How is he the rest of the time? I would seriously look at whether there are other red flags and consider your happiness.

VeniceQueen2004 · 20/06/2020 10:53

He doesn't hav can to take you seriously OP, only you do. Tell him he has two hours to get out, if he's still there after then call your dad (and hopefully your 4 burly big brothers! Wink) to sling him out. Tell them exactly what he's been saying and doing - it doesn't shame you, it shames HIM. Be brave, you've taken that first step which is the hardest thing. Give in now and he'll know he can do anything he likes. Don't give him that power! Xxx

YukoandHiro · 20/06/2020 10:55

OP just seen your update.

Is it your home? Who rents/owns? If it's yours you can have him forcibly removed.

Do you have support? Family or friends who can help?

Isthisfinallyit · 20/06/2020 11:34

Can you call the police to have him kicked out? And please change the locks.

Isthisfinallyit · 20/06/2020 11:35

Good for you for choosing your own future. You have enough time to find someone else. I met DH at age 34.

Fuckedworktops · 20/06/2020 11:39

@Miss2009

I've told him it's over and he's going to have to move out. However, he's being really arrogant about it and doesn't believe me. He thinks I'm just whining and said the reason why I started the argument about holidays is because of what I saw on the TV. He's not taking me seriously 😢
Is it your house OP? Or can you leave?

Change the locks, bag up his shit.

You're gonna be so much lighter in every way possible!!!

Bet you look bloody fantastic just as you are.

022828MAN · 20/06/2020 11:43

The way he's spoken to you is totally unfair.

However, if my partner went from a healthy weight to obese within a few years I probably wouldn't be attracted to him anymore. If that makes me shallow then I guess I'm shallow but it's the truth.

022828MAN · 20/06/2020 11:44

@Miss2009

I've told him it's over and he's going to have to move out. However, he's being really arrogant about it and doesn't believe me. He thinks I'm just whining and said the reason why I started the argument about holidays is because of what I saw on the TV. He's not taking me seriously 😢
Give him the deadline of when he's to move out by and then go out and meet a friend for the day! He'll soon realise you're not pissing about
NotEvenTheKing · 20/06/2020 12:20

I'm like 5 stone overweight. I was very slim when I met my DP. We've been together almost 14 years. He gives zero shits that I've not shifted this 'baby weight'

Your boyfriend is a tosser. His only concern re weight should be if it's made you very unwell.

Lose the weight for you. If you want to. In the meantime, dump him and book yourself a nice holiday with your friends (or alone if you are braver than me!)

NotEvenTheKing · 20/06/2020 12:23

Ah, see you've asked him to leave. Good for you. You can and will do so much better.

BendyLikeBeckham · 20/06/2020 18:13

How is it going OP?

And I wish PP would sod off telling her she needs to lose weight. That is a matter for her and her alone to decide for herself or not. Not the boyfriend and not anyone on the Internet.

The problem with the boyfriend is not the OPs weight, it is that he is a dickhead.

Miss2009 · 21/06/2020 09:33

No changes atm. He's trying to be nice and is hoping this will go away and still not taking me seriously. I can't stand confrontation because he makes it so hard by ignoring me and acting childish by pretending to sleep so he won't listen to me ☹ I don't want to get my Dad involved yet as he lives in a part of the UK where he can't travel across the border because of covid. I don't want to cause him stress. I'm so scared of being alone once he moves out. I've got friends but not close ones. I'm scared because I'm reaching 33 that I may never find a nice guy to marry and have one or two children with 😔 I keep thinking I've left things too late. However, I have read articles and comments about first time Mums over 35.

OP posts:
emilybrontescorsett · 21/06/2020 09:47

Op - tell him he has to go.
Tell him this relationship is not working for you.
Tell him he has one week to take his stuff and after that it will be out outside in bin bags and dumped.
I know people who holiday alone, there are companies which specialise in singles holidays.
Don't let him scam you into staying.
If he refused to leave call the non emergency police.
It is not your problem where he goes, it's his. Remember he has told you you are not good enough for him, keep that in your mind if you start to waiver.

lemmathelemmin · 21/06/2020 09:50

YABU for not looking after your health. Your DP is slightly BU for not being tactful with his words.

Takingontheworld · 21/06/2020 09:55

Miss2009- come on love. He has to go! Bags out and doors locked. End of. He cannot simply ignore your wishes and confrontation is inevitable. Call your dad.

Lemmathelemmin, her DP is a dickhead. He doesn't care about her health- and that is her job, she isn't unreasonable for finding it hard- he only cares to shack up in her house and have all the benefits of a relationship but doesn't want to be seen out or on holiday with her. He's vile.

CecilyP · 21/06/2020 10:07

At least tell your dad the situation in order to put the ball in his court. Restrictions are easing; he’s a grown man, I’m sure he would prefer to know. Regarding friends, once your DP is gone, you’ll have more time to devote to friendships and some of them will likely become close!

You are only 32; of course you have time to meet a nice guy and have family!

ECBC · 21/06/2020 10:15

Do you think if you were reading this as a stranger could you appreciate the red flags here? He puts you down, blames you for your health conditions, insults you and then says mean things to you? This isn’t a man to marry and plan your future around. This is a man to move on from and look back and think gosh I dodged a bullet there

blosstree · 21/06/2020 10:16

OP, have you got anyone closer to come over and help you make him leave?

This thread is so so sad. He sounds like the most atrocious human being. I am willing to bet that his 'nice' side is not actually nice at all, he just manipulates in order to get what he wants.

33 is a fine age to not have met someone to have children with yet - there are plenty of people on Mumsnet who have met people later than that and got married and had multiple children! There are lots of threads about it. People are older nowadays when they settle down. You are not unusual at all.

Imagine what life with kids with this man would be like - bloody horrendous! You've had a very, very lucky escape, well done you for standing your ground and breaking it off. He will have to leave, your dad owns it he has no leg to stand on.

Keep going, you're doing great! There is someone out there who will make you happy - this isn't him Thanks