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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being unreasonable not wanting to loose weight?

183 replies

Miss2009 · 18/06/2020 15:04

I'm a 32 (soon to be 33) year old female. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 10 years. I used to be a little underweight when we first met. I was forcing myself to eat a little bit more each week as I wanted to be at a healthy weight in order to conceive at some point in the future. 10 years later I am overweight and trying to loose a couple of stone to get back to a healthy weight again. We have never been on a proper holiday together, mainly because of affording it. We've had long weekends around the UK but I've always wanted to go somewhere on a beach with him for longer than a weekend. I have always believed that a partner should love you no matter what you look like. Anyway, a holiday destination was mentioned on TV today and I asked him if we could go once the coronavirus has gone. He seemed really annoyed that I had asked him. He was playing games on his phone at the time. I asked him if we were ever going to go on holiday and he exclaimed "yes!, but once you loose the weight! He then started going on about how we will be limited on activities we can do on holiday. The only limitation I have is walking slow because I have a condition where I drag my left leg behind me slightly. I also have a tendency to trip up if I walk fast and if I do walk fast my asthma starts to flare up. I've always had these issues, even before I put the weight on. He doesn't hold my hand when we're out together because apparently I slow him down. He thinks if I lose the weight all of these things will go away and I will be faster. I have explained to him, that even if I lose the weight, where there might be an improvement, my walking speed and asthma may stay the same. I also said we can still go on holiday, whether I am overweight or not, he should love me for who I am. He thinks I'm just being stubborn and don't want to lose the weight. I do want to lose it but I want to do it for me, not because he wants me to. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Yesmate · 18/06/2020 19:40

You have yourself one hell of a prick there.

BlueJava · 18/06/2020 19:42

You need to lose a lot of weight - but not off you!! I think you need to lose him. It sounds like he wants a model on his arm not someone to have a loving relationship with.

Loving relationships aren't like this - we had a beach holiday in Asia last year. Due to illness (and general overeating on my part) I am size 24. We had a fantastic time. I love my DP and he loves me whatever. Please really think about your position with this man because he doesn't sound loving and supportive at all.

TurnOffTheTv · 18/06/2020 19:47

Yes, he’s a massive cunt for holding this over you.

But I’d be really worried about my partner if they had put on 6 stone since we first met.

SewingWarriorQueen76 · 18/06/2020 19:48

He doesn't earn the right to push you around. Time to plan your exit, to a holiday with lots of photos of you in bikinis. What does he think you are, an ornament to be shown off or a partner.

Sometimes we make bad investments, time to cash on your chips and find your own path.

JRUIN · 18/06/2020 19:48

This nasty twat won't even slow down to walk with you and you're asking if you should lose weight for him?!! The only thing you should be losing right now is him!

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 18/06/2020 19:53

Thank God you aren't married to him so you can just walk away if you are sensible. It is particularly unkind of him to say that about not having kids with you but you are being really silly to have been with him for 10 years when you desperately want them and he doesn't.

I think a life partner should love you no matter what but you cannot expect a partner to fancy you, no matter what. Most people do not find body fat attractive. You are considerably overweight for your height and you obviously know that and you can't expect your bf not to have an opinion on it. He is clearly embarrassed by it or by you and that is why he will not hold hands or go on holiday with you. If he was to be nice about it and honest then it wouldn't be so bad but he sounds horrible.

If you hope to have children, I suggest you finish with him so that you have time to meet someone with whom you can have children.

Crimeismymiddlename · 18/06/2020 19:54

I think you have two issues. The first one is that you’re boyfriend is a dick who won’t hold your hand and walks ahead of you. If he can’t treat you respectfully you need to break up with him. The second one is that it’s not true that your partner should find you attractive no matter what, they should love you and treat you with respect but a big change in appearance is an issue. I put a lot of weight on when I was with my ex, he never said anything but it obviously put him off physically. I am not angry or upset, sadly I am short and my face does not carry weight well! I also suspect if he had put on weight I would have been put off also as I do not find overweight men attractive. If you want to stay the same do-if your happy with it that is all that counts.

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 18/06/2020 20:02

@PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock

Then he should do the decent thing, put his cards on the table and if things are that bad , fuck off.

I didn’t say he was a Prince Charming.
OP is apparently in desperate love with him. They could both end this relationship. They are clearly not compatible.

But it’s always so easy to say LTB (I would like to hear his side of the story as well, atm OP might have left some context out)
They could both leave. But after 10 years together why they just not sit down and discuss it.
Cannot come to an agreement, then leave! 😳🤔

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 18/06/2020 20:07

What other side can there be to "yes but only if you lose the weight" when being asked about going on holiday?

Miss2009 · 18/06/2020 20:08

We live in a flat, which is owned by my Dad. I'm guessing I have priority to live in the flat as bf doesn't have any ownership and we don't have tenancy agreement. It's confusing what to do in terms of kicking him out during this virus and lockdown.

OP posts:
diddl · 18/06/2020 20:10

@KittyKattyKate

The only thing that is unreasonable would be to remain his girlfriend.
Yup!
PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 18/06/2020 20:10

They could both leave.

Yes, however OP has low self esteem, desperately wants a child and naively clings to "he's sometimes nice". That's understandable.

He doesn't have to be an arsehole. He chooses to be.

FurbabyLife · 18/06/2020 20:11

He handled it wrong but I do think people have a responsibility to their partners in regards to physical appearance. Certain physical changes like ageing etc happens to everyone but we’re in complete control of things like weight and grooming etc.

If you change dramatically, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for them to feel unhappy about it.

AltheaVestr1t · 18/06/2020 20:12

He said what now? I can't do on holiday with you until you lose weight because we don't look good in photos? This is a total deal breaker. You deserve better, OP.

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 18/06/2020 20:12

@Miss2009 tell him it's not working anymore,you had enough and he isn't what you want/need anymore. He has 2 days(and that's me being extremely kind) to leave.
He can go to his parent's,a friend,rent..whatever. It's not your problem. He's a grownup.

Coffeecak3 · 18/06/2020 20:12

Please throw this horribly abusive man out. He’s wasting your life.

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 18/06/2020 20:14

@PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock

They could both leave.

Yes, however OP has low self esteem, desperately wants a child and naively clings to "he's sometimes nice". That's understandable.

He doesn't have to be an arsehole. He chooses to be.

And she wants to bring a child into an unwanted relationship? Low self-esteem is not the response for everything when someone needs to make a tough decision. He shouldn’t be an a**hole, but apparently it is. Why should he change and not the OP? 🤔
diddl · 18/06/2020 20:15

Ooh, I missed a few pages.

So, you want kids & he doesn't, so why stay?

Then adding in how nasty he is...

Mintychoc1 · 18/06/2020 20:17

OP he sounds nasty and really not someone you should be with. I definitely think you should dump him and find someone who loves you.

However, I think it is unfair to say he should continue to find you attractive, since your weight has almost doubled in the time you’ve been together. That’s a massive change in appearance.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/06/2020 20:19

It's confusing what to do in terms of kicking him out during this virus and lockdown.

That’s his problem, not yours.

How long has he been treating you like shit? Perhaps doing the Freedom Programme will help you adjust your expectations of relationships.

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 18/06/2020 20:20

Well giving OP's last update hopefully she'll change. By becoming single and happier and free of the said arsehole.

Di11y · 18/06/2020 20:24

Dear God I've never said it before but leave him! it's possible you won't find someone and have kids with them but you certainly don't want to be saddled with this man who waves the possibility of kids under your nose. he'll be 100 times worse if you ever do have them. I can see you doing everything, sacrificing everything and he'll just say well you're the one who wanted them.

ravenmum · 18/06/2020 20:27

A man who is just plain horrible now would just let you down even more if you had children. You need a partner who's on your side and really, no-one could be less on your side than this guy.

Great if you can stay in the flat :) People are allowed to move, aren't they? He'll work something out.
Get out your red swimming costume and head for the beach!

FurbabyLife · 18/06/2020 20:27

If he doesn’t want kids and you do it’s as good as over anyway. Leave and find someone who wants the same things as you!

Shinyletsbebadguys · 18/06/2020 20:30

No see some pp have got it very wrong . Love is not the same as attraction. When DP meat me I was a size 12 healthy weight. After a stroke I ballooned up to a size 22 in quite a short period of time. I put on 6 stone. Never once did he waver. On the very occasional moment he was concerned about my health (quite rightly after the stroke) and I'm sure his attraction to me was affected. I have no resentment for that, I totally understood but never , not once did he say anything like your DP did. Not a bloody whisper.

I have since lost the weight , and some, and am now a size 8 to 10 . We've discussed it since and he is crystal clear , he loves and loved me , not just my body. Yes , whilst he hasn't said it I have not a single doubt he was less attracted to me but the fact he loved me overrode that.

I lost in total 8 stone and I couldn't have done it for him or anyone else. It had to be for me. If he had said a single bloody word like your DP he would have been gone in a heartbeat. Slowing him down? You deserve so so so much better.

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