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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being unreasonable not wanting to loose weight?

183 replies

Miss2009 · 18/06/2020 15:04

I'm a 32 (soon to be 33) year old female. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 10 years. I used to be a little underweight when we first met. I was forcing myself to eat a little bit more each week as I wanted to be at a healthy weight in order to conceive at some point in the future. 10 years later I am overweight and trying to loose a couple of stone to get back to a healthy weight again. We have never been on a proper holiday together, mainly because of affording it. We've had long weekends around the UK but I've always wanted to go somewhere on a beach with him for longer than a weekend. I have always believed that a partner should love you no matter what you look like. Anyway, a holiday destination was mentioned on TV today and I asked him if we could go once the coronavirus has gone. He seemed really annoyed that I had asked him. He was playing games on his phone at the time. I asked him if we were ever going to go on holiday and he exclaimed "yes!, but once you loose the weight! He then started going on about how we will be limited on activities we can do on holiday. The only limitation I have is walking slow because I have a condition where I drag my left leg behind me slightly. I also have a tendency to trip up if I walk fast and if I do walk fast my asthma starts to flare up. I've always had these issues, even before I put the weight on. He doesn't hold my hand when we're out together because apparently I slow him down. He thinks if I lose the weight all of these things will go away and I will be faster. I have explained to him, that even if I lose the weight, where there might be an improvement, my walking speed and asthma may stay the same. I also said we can still go on holiday, whether I am overweight or not, he should love me for who I am. He thinks I'm just being stubborn and don't want to lose the weight. I do want to lose it but I want to do it for me, not because he wants me to. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
SophieB100 · 18/06/2020 20:37

OP, I can guarantee that if over night a magic spell turned you into a lady with a perfect model figure, your muppet would find another stick to abuse you with.
It isn't about your weight - it's about his need to control you. Of course you have little self-esteem - he's trampled all over it.

Get shot!

MiniCooperLover · 18/06/2020 20:43

OP you posted about him recently and it's clear this relationship is over and you need to kick him out !!!

WinterAndRoughWeather · 18/06/2020 20:44

I remember your other thread about him baiting you about having children. Every reply on that thread said leave him, and here you are again.

Come on, OP, you know what you need to do. How much more time are you going to waste?

shiningstar2 · 18/06/2020 20:47

He is using up the remainder or your child bearing years ...while mocking you for wanting a child? Not nice. Only you can decide what to do about this. Put up and shut up? No way could I do this. Leave him and hope you have time to develop a new relationship? Probably best decision but there are risks. Give him an ultimatum ...either you start trying for a baby within the next 3 months or he's out? Or...not the best but others have gone for this ...have a baby anyway ...either he gets on board or he ends up leaving...risky. Some stay and discover they love being a father. Others go. What is most important to you? One proviso...if you do go down the route of 'controception failure' [and you won't be the first and you won't be the last] Don't then chase him for maintenance. Go it alone. Good luck op with what ever you decide. Disclaimer: I am in no way saying this last is good...in my opinion it isn't. Just observing that this is one of the options some people take. Is it more cynical than mocking you about your weight and denigrating your desire for a baby. Flowers

Etinox · 18/06/2020 20:51

@Miss2009

So I've got time to ditch him, find someone who wants children and have them?
Definitely.
MiniCooperLover · 18/06/2020 21:25

Absolutely. First child at 38.

minemineminemine · 18/06/2020 21:33

Before having children the most important thing to consider is who is going to be their father.

If he treats you like this, don't let him treat your children like this. Leave him and find someone else, or have a baby by yourself!

You can chuck him out. The rental market is still working in covid times- he can find somewhere else.

You are so much better and deserve more Thanks

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 18/06/2020 21:48

@WinterAndRoughWeather

I remember your other thread about him baiting you about having children. Every reply on that thread said leave him, and here you are again.

Come on, OP, you know what you need to do. How much more time are you going to waste?

Hence I am questioning OP’s true intentions...
Wither · 18/06/2020 21:57

True the OP has several threads about the same thing.

He doesn’t want kids. And he’s an arse. You have to chose what you do with this information.

Popc0rn · 18/06/2020 22:43

You probably lost 13st of unwanted weight overnight...by dumping your horrible lump of a boyfriend.

Honestly OP, get rid! You've already spent your 20s with him, do you want him to ruin your 30s too?!

Popc0rn · 18/06/2020 22:43

*could lose

GeorgiaWeLoveYou · 19/06/2020 11:36

Just read your updates.

Tell him you don't want to be with him anymore and that he needs to leave the flat! Surely you can call the police if he doesn't go because he doesn't own it in any way.

He is abusive and manipulative. And yes, you most definitely have time to meet someone else and have children. Do not waste your life with such a horrible person.

Krong · 19/06/2020 11:44

He told you he doesn't want kids. He's shown you that he's horrible and cruel. Believe him!

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 19/06/2020 11:57

As previously pointed out he’s not going to give you children anyway 🤷‍♀️ You’re wasting your fertility being with him, not by chucking him out.
Get him out you’ll find your self esteem will rocket.

Winter2020 · 19/06/2020 12:13

OP your partner is a bully. Not because he has an issue with your weight but because he uses your weight and having kids to dangle hope and pull your strings. He is not a nice person. I agree if you didn't want kids but something else in life he would use that to control you instead.

More understanding fits into place when you said it is your dad's flat. Unfortunately if it was his dad's place I think he would have already kicked you out. He is using you and in his contempt treating you badly and you deserve far far better.

Get rid of him.

I'm sure you will rediscover yourself, friendships, dating and you do have time for a new relationship and kids. It is far more lonely to be in the wrong relationship than it is to be single.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 19/06/2020 12:18

I’m guessing he’s not paying any rent?

RedRocketGirl · 19/06/2020 12:44

@Miss2009

So I've got time to ditch him, find someone who wants children and have them?
Yes you have still have time, but even if you left and things worked out differently at least you wouldn't be putting up with this shit! My life totally changed course in my late 30s and I left a 10yr relationship. Things didn't go quite as I hoped - no kids but I now have a great relationship and I'm happy.

Watch this: 1.55 mins in it really relates to your situation:

Good luck - even being on your own in your Dad's flat would be a million times better than how you are living now!

AgentJohnson · 19/06/2020 12:55

If you really want kids then you need to prioritise that ambition. Staying with your partner is doing the opposite.

It’s time to stop hiding in a relationship that isn’t compatible with your goals.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 19/06/2020 14:12

If there's no tenancy agreement and it's owned by your dad it really isn't your problem as to where he fucks off to, in fact that's great news, you can sling him out on his earhole with mimimal fuss. And if he does fuss I'm sure he'll have fun explaining to your dad why he thinks he doesn't have to leave while treating you like shit.

DianaT1969 · 19/06/2020 20:24

Any update OP? I hope he is out the door. What he does isn't your problem. He can stay with family or friends until he rents somewhere. He should have thought about that before treating you like shit. I'm glad he didn't hide his true feelings though, or you'd be saddled with him longer.
Come back and tell us how it goes.

VeniceQueen2004 · 19/06/2020 20:41

Fuck me he's a nasty piece of shit. PLEASE leave him. Even if he does eventually relent and give you children (very unlikely) do you really want your children to have such a spiteful shitbag for a father??? Leave him now. Go on your holiday, wear your red swimsuit, feel free from his criticism for the first time in years, and good people will gravitate to you. Fuck him.

Have you ever asked him if you're so inadequate why he is still with you? The reason is simple: there's nothing wrong with you, he is the inadequate waste of space and he's terrified you'll realise and so is using your insecurities to beat you down.

Don't let him steal away your youth and your chance of being a mother. Fuck him.

VeniceQueen2004 · 19/06/2020 20:57

Aaah so he's living (presumably rent free or mates rates) in YOUR flat?

He's using you. And doesn't even have the decency not to treat you like shit while he's doing it.

Does he have a decent job? I'll bet a bunch of bananas he doesn't and is living off you.

VeniceQueen2004 · 19/06/2020 20:58

Pleeeeeeease chuck him out. I bet your family fucking hate his guts and would throw a parade.

Youngatheart00 · 19/06/2020 21:05

Kick him out, now. You are much better than him, at any size! You deserve so much better

Miss2009 · 20/06/2020 09:52

I've told him it's over and he's going to have to move out. However, he's being really arrogant about it and doesn't believe me. He thinks I'm just whining and said the reason why I started the argument about holidays is because of what I saw on the TV. He's not taking me seriously 😢

OP posts: