Am I being unreasonable not wanting to loose weight?

[Miss2009]

I'm a 32 (soon to be 33) year old female. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 10 years. I used to be a little underweight when we first met. I was forcing myself to eat a little bit more each week as I wanted to be at a healthy weight in order to conceive at some point in the future. 10 years later I am overweight and trying to loose a couple of stone to get back to a healthy weight again. We have never been on a proper holiday together, mainly because of affording it. We've had long weekends around the UK but I've always wanted to go somewhere on a beach with him for longer than a weekend. I have always believed that a partner should love you no matter what you look like. Anyway, a holiday destination was mentioned on TV today and I asked him if we could go once the coronavirus has gone. He seemed really annoyed that I had asked him. He was playing games on his phone at the time. I asked him if we were ever going to go on holiday and he exclaimed "yes!, but once you loose the weight! He then started going on about how we will be limited on activities we can do on holiday. The only limitation I have is walking slow because I have a condition where I drag my left leg behind me slightly. I also have a tendency to trip up if I walk fast and if I do walk fast my asthma starts to flare up. I've always had these issues, even before I put the weight on. He doesn't hold my hand when we're out together because apparently I slow him down. He thinks if I lose the weight all of these things will go away and I will be faster. I have explained to him, that even if I lose the weight, where there might be an improvement, my walking speed and asthma may stay the same. I also said we can still go on holiday, whether I am overweight or not, he should love me for who I am. He thinks I'm just being stubborn and don't want to lose the weight. I do want to lose it but I want to do it for me, not because he wants me to. Am I being unreasonable?

I have low self esteem and whenever I try to end the relationship he makes it hard by either ignoring me or he starts being nice.

Why does him ignoring you stop you ending the relationship? Just carry on leaving him while he sits there and ignores you, makes life easier if you don’t have to argue!

Leave him. As soon as you can.

Do not waste any more time on him. At all.

He is vile.

I am 6 inches taller than you and a similar weight and I know that I am overweight and trying to fix it, so I do think you might be a little bit in denial about only having a couple of stone to loose.

Ditch your horrible, horrible partner. That will help your self esteem. Then work on your weight for your own reasons.

You still have time to meet someone deserving of you and to have children. I had my first child at 34 and my second at 37 and my third at 44.

Best of luck.

So I've got time to ditch him, find someone who wants children and have them?

Gosh, OP. This is one of the saddest things I've read for ages. I'm used to seeing women staying with awful men on MN because they have children and feel trapped, or don't have a job or home. You don't have DC with him. You are free. Pack your things and start planning your wonderful new life without him. Yes, go on holiday, but with a friend or relative.
Lose weight for yourself and your health when you want to. 16:8 can be a gentle way to start and there are supportive threads on MN. Delay Don't Deny is a book which explains it and the health benefits in reducing insulin spikes. But Mediterranean diet and the Blood Sugar Diet might also appeal. In any case, weight is not the issue here. You need to free yourself so that you can meet someone kind. You don't need his agreement that it's over. Go for it OP!

Oh OP - It's not about the weight. It's not about him walking too fast or you too slow.

It's about you being in a terrible relationship.

You need to end it. I can see at 33 you'd feel you didn't have time, but you do. If you have a DC with him, you'll be trapped and he will treat you worse. And as he's clearly a cruel, spiteful man, you'd have the fear he'd be like that with a child.

There's so many threads on here when I wish we'd managed to grab the woman before she married and had DCs with this terrible man she's with and stop her tying herself to him. We've got you now.

He will never get better, this is as good as it gets, he will only get worse.

He sounds like a prick.

Can you imagine what he'll be like if you got pregnant? What he's say about your body after? Would he pull his weight with appreciating what you've done, doing night feeds, nappy changes and the grinding tedium and hard work of parenthood?

I think you know he wouldn't - he's just be even crueller to you and blame you for changing his life. Ditch him

Oh OP. He’s verbally abusing you. Laughing at you to your face. That’s a horrible and disrespectful thing to do to anyone, let alone your girlfriend.
You deserve better then that.
You still have time to find someone else and have a fresh start with the chance of a family and happiness.

You’ll be amazed how quickly the weight will come off when he’s out of the picture.

Genuinely you are worth more than this. You are young, leave him, travel, find your confidence and the right guy will find you. Imagine five years from now... same position OR happily married, child, family holidays etc.

Lovely, if he was overweight, would you take that attitude with him and refuse to go on holiday until he lost it? No you wouldn't because you wouldn't treat someone you love like that. Now think about that

It's in someone's worst moments you see their true selves. It's easy to be happy when someone is playing nice. But someone who loves you wouldn't be nasty to you. Ever.

So I've got time to ditch him, find someone who wants children and have them?

In a word - yes.

On the upside, most men in their mid to late 30s know if they want to settle down and have DCs or not, so won't faff about. Most also know if the new woman they are dating is in her 30s, they haven't got long to hang about.

He's an arse. Ditch. Look, I had a friend in a predicament similar to you - she was 33, in a LTR but the bloke kept dodging questions about marriage/kids and she knew it's what she wanted. She finally found the courage to leave him and she's now 36 - married to a lovely chap and they had a baby recently. If she'd stuck around with the other loser I bet they still wouldn't be married or have a baby. Dump this dick, book a holiday with your mates and find someone new and better!

Oh my goodness he is awful! What horrible things to say. I couldnt walk very well with my pregnancy and post birth I would be so upset if DP strode off and left me!

I really think you should be with a nice man who makes you feel great not tears you down!

You totally have time!

Where I live, the average first-time mum age is 38 or 39

So I've got time to ditch him, find someone who wants children and have them?

Well , he's never having kids with you so even if you didn't, what do you have to lose? An abusive, bullying,controlling arsehole?

The guy won't even agree to go on holiday , do you honestly believe he'll change his mind about children?

He doesn't love you, and if he has the guts to talk to you this way he's checked out of the relationship already.

I bet your self esteem will improve massively once he's gone and not dragging you down.

I bet even his "nice" is not even nice at all. Either basic human decency or just not being abusive. What does he do that so nice and worthy of your love?

Of course you do. I met my H at 37, baby at 40 and 43

more sensible to crack on though

@Miss2009

So I've got time to ditch him, find someone who wants children and have them?

Yes you have. I met my husband at 36, had my first child at 37 and my second at 41. Lots of my friends met their partners in their mid to late 30’s and most have dc’s. You are worth so much more and deserve to be happy.

The way you have to look at it, is do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Do you want future children to be subject to his cruel abuse (because they will)? If you had a daughter, what would you be advising her in this situation? Leave him with your head held high and no desperation. There is plenty of time. My friend had her first baby at 40.

When he's nice, he's the guy I fell in love with. However, when he gets nasty I know he's not the guy I should be with. 50/50.

Would you eat a sandwich that was 50% shit?

So I've got time to ditch him, find someone who wants children and have them?
Absolutely. I met DH at nearly 36 and we’re expecting our first baby now I’m 40. Granted we didn’t have much time to mess around, and we needed some fertility help - but that’s even more reason to get a move on isn’t it? You could leave him tomorrow, take a year or so to get yourself together, have fun with friends, build up your confidence and self-esteem so that you never accept this kind of shit from anyone again, and STILL have time to start your family. But the longer you waste with this loser the less likely you make it for yourself.

You’re very unlikely to get what you want with this man. He has made it clear he doesn’t want children. There’s a chance you might get accidentally pregnant I suppose - but by god I imagine he’ll make you pay for that. Or when he senses that you are serious about leaving he might suddenly put kids back on the table in an effort to stall you and keep you around (to be his emotional punchbag) but honestly the thought of such a nasty bastard as a father is pretty awful and then you’re even more trapped with someone who undermines and insults you, damaging children in the process.

He isn't going to have kids with you anyway.

You leave and have a hope of having DC or you stay and never have them.,,

I think you both want very different things, and one of you has to be brave enough to admit that and call time.

Part of you probably feels you've invested too much time in this man to walk away, but even if you have kids with him, it doesn't sound like he wants to be a father and/or would stick around. You may as well take your chances back in the dating pool and/or with an actual sperm donor.

As for the weight - losing weight is hard, but if you actively want to have children, I think you're unreasonable to not try. You're clinically obese and that carries additional health risks - fact. There's a lot you can't control when it coms to getting pregnant, but your weight is something you could work on (you don't mention any underlying conditions).

And before anyone accuses me of being mean to you, it takes one to know one. I'm a very similar weight and height to you, and I know this is not the healthiest place to be. I'm not saying anything to you that I'm not prepared to hear myself.

You can be confident in the way you look right now, and still want to lose weight to become healthier.

@letmethinkaboutitfornow
@2007Millie

Then he should do the decent thing, put his cards on the table and if things are that bad , fuck off.

Not control when and where they go on holiday, kids ,be mean and horrible to her,bully her and laugh at her disabilities.

Just because OP is fat(so am I) doesn't mean it gives someone else the right to be an arsehole to her, particularly not someone who is supposed to love her. If he can't love her because of her weight, that's on him.

I was expecting you to say about 28st!

Fuck him OP, 13st isn't that bad, you can drop a couple of stone no problem- if you want to.

In the meantime I'd wear nothing but bikinis around the house for the foreseeable and tell him to kiss my delicious chubby bum if he's got a problem. FFS men are ridiculous.

(May I also suggest you watch Girls with Lena Dunham. I'm now embracing the chub and also growing my pubes back)