Brother smashed mum's phone in a rage

[phonesmash]

Brother is showing signs of depression again over the past few days (crying every day, hurting himself e.g. biting himself, pulling his hair, saying he doesn't like anything, saying he hates everything). He has been on antidepressants in the past.

He is 21.

Our mum was very concerned about him and contacted his uni tutor (who has been so helpful in the past when brother was depressed and really a godsend).

Mum told brother yesterday that she contacted his tutor. Brother got very angry, saying why did you do that, we aren't in term time anymore, this is personal.

Later in the evening he flew off the handle at her, saying he wanted to kill her (he wouldn't) and himself, throwing everything on the floor (pillows etc) and unfortunately he also threw her phone which this morning is very cracked and the screen is completely black, you can hear the phone but the screen is black.

My view is that he should pay for her phone. When I told him I was very disappointed in him and pointed out that mum's phone was broken, he said "it's her fault". Mum is of the view that her phone was old anyway, she's just glad he got the rage out of his system. WTF??? and she told me not to say anything to him today as he's on his internship.

Please help, I really don't know what to do especially when my mum is not supporting me.

It's not right that your parents are trying to condition you to accept abuse.

I don't know if it's abuse- the phone smashing was an accident I think when he was throwing stuff in a rage because my mum contacted his tutor (which we have established she shouldn't have)

Shouting and screaming and trashing stuff and threatening suicide is abusive. The fact your brother has mh issues doesnt change that. And the fact that you are being training to accept and excuse it speaks volumes.

Adults don’t usually “throw stuff in rage” OP, and that includes depressed adults. Did you at 21?

Would you expect someone to accept this behaviour from a partner?

I know I know, everyone in the house is against me and they are excusing his behaviour.

My mum has said she'll let this incident go but if it happens again she will tell him to leave (this will never happen ffs)

he was throwing stuff in a rage because my mum contacted his tutor (which we have established she shouldn't have)

Your mother contacted his tutor because she knows she can't help your brother alone. Her mistake was in contacting his tutor (although that was understandable as you say the tutor has helped before).

She didn't make a mistake in seeking help.
Would your brother have behaved differently if your mum had phoned the doctor? Or would he have raged at that as well?

That doesn't make sense- if he was throwing stuff in a rage and it smashed that's not an accident. Do you think if he physically hurt you, your parents would still be against doing anything?

@TitianaTitsling I can say with confidence he wouldn't hurt a person

Would you previously have thought he would be verbally abusive and physically threatening, which is how you're describing his behaviour?

I know he can be verbally abusive but not physically
I think he keeps things bottled up during the year and eventually comes out in a massive outburst

@phonesmash

I know he can be verbally abusive but not physically I think he keeps things bottled up during the year and eventually comes out in a massive outburst

Sorry, you're talking utter bollocks. He threw things around - unless he was so controlled as to pick them up, walk around and deliberately throw them in a direction where they couldn't possibly hit anybody (in which case he wasn't out of control and is plain and simple abusive) - he didn't care where they landed and therefore was prepared to hurt and scare people to keep control.

You need to move out. Get yourself out of this dynamic, get yourself safe. And if/when he hurts your mother, maybe they'll realise then - and hopefully he doesn't doing exactly as he's threatened to do to her.

Can I ask how old you are @phonesmash ?

I'm just wondering, if your DB leaving isn't an option - and you've not said why that is - whether it would be possible for you to get the hell out of this mess of enablement and toxicity?

@puzzledandpissedoff

I am 23. I do live separately most of the time - I have a job and flat in a different city - but I am returning home next year to help save to buy a property.
bro can't leave as he is a uni student with no income

[quote phonesmash]@puzzledandpissedoff

I am 23. I do live separately most of the time - I have a job and flat in a different city - but I am returning home next year to help save to buy a property.
bro can't leave as he is a uni student with no income[/quote]
What happens if he turns on you then? After all, you've questioned his role as Master of the House. What happens when he screams and smashes your stuff up and says he's going to kill you and your parents say 'oh, you wound him up, he's very stressed, you have to apologise to him and replace your own things because he's very clever and special and you aren't'?

Do not move back into that house. Find a
Cheap flat to rent and save slowly.

I'd hate to see my mum treated like that but if she chooses to let it go there's not much you can do.

FFS.

There needs to be an intervention.

I despair at these types of comments.

This is domestic abuse.

I can say with confidence he wouldn't hurt a person

NO! You cannot!!

You never know what goes on in someone's head.

This is why countless women, men and children end up losing their life at the hands of others.

Naive at best.

Sorry you're going through this. It's awful I know. I had violence enacted on me by men....

Hi please be patient with him if he's battling depression. He won't be himself. Even if it means forgiving him for smashing the phone and him not paying for a new one. Why don't you guys chip in or something?

I'd also suggest respecting his wishes. If he doesn't want you guys to tell uni tutors then don't do it. Why make him angry. Ask him what help he wants and what's available out there. Depression is a horrible horrible illness. Even with pills you're not yourself. Please support him and be kind to him. Forgive his mistakes. There will times he will fly into a rage out of frustration and times where he will be sobbing like a baby. Help him.

I'm sorry I didn't read the updates. Leave the phone issue for now. Your mum is okay with it. She'll get herself a new one. Let her deal with it.

Please don't call the police. They never do anything helpful in these cases and you'll damage the relationship you have with your family.

I'm sorry if this is tough to hear. But you seem frustrated at his behaviour like you think he's being unfair with acknowledging that's he's maybe having a tough time. He has a mental illness. It's not his fault. Your parents seem patient but it will bother them once it gets too much. That's why I suggest being supportive and ignoring his 'bad' behaviour. As a family don't do anything to irritate him. Also, don't discuss what's fair and unfair to your mum. She probably has enough tension as it is. Make her life easy. She already has one child causing her tension, I'm sure she doesn't need another. I'm sorry for being harsh. Someone known to us recently committed suicide as he was battling depression. It's been a week and it's broken my heart. Anyone I speak to wish that they reached out to him. But it was too late. Be there for your brother even if it means ignoring his behaviour. You won't understand his behaviour now but you will one day.

Biting,pulling hair etc. is not normal or ok. Unless he feels no physical pain then that will hurt, and are not the actions of someone putting on a show

Are you absolutely sure about that? Because unless this emotionally incontinent, spoiled and enabled lout is biting himself hard enough to draw blood or leave serious bruises or actually pulling out chunks of hair by the root, I would say that they very much are part of a show he was putting on.

Has he broken any of his own possessions, I wonder?

@faithfulbird I’m so sorry for your loss, suicide is a dreadful way to lose someone.

I don’t think your advice to ignore his rages is good advice though. This is an adult male terrorising his mother and making life unbearable for others in the house. He needs to stop, either by seeking help or by leaving. Even very depressed people are capable of not causing harm to their loved ones. He is choosing to express himself through abuse.