Brother smashed mum's phone in a rage

[phonesmash]

Brother is showing signs of depression again over the past few days (crying every day, hurting himself e.g. biting himself, pulling his hair, saying he doesn't like anything, saying he hates everything). He has been on antidepressants in the past.

He is 21.

Our mum was very concerned about him and contacted his uni tutor (who has been so helpful in the past when brother was depressed and really a godsend).

Mum told brother yesterday that she contacted his tutor. Brother got very angry, saying why did you do that, we aren't in term time anymore, this is personal.

Later in the evening he flew off the handle at her, saying he wanted to kill her (he wouldn't) and himself, throwing everything on the floor (pillows etc) and unfortunately he also threw her phone which this morning is very cracked and the screen is completely black, you can hear the phone but the screen is black.

My view is that he should pay for her phone. When I told him I was very disappointed in him and pointed out that mum's phone was broken, he said "it's her fault". Mum is of the view that her phone was old anyway, she's just glad he got the rage out of his system. WTF??? and she told me not to say anything to him today as he's on his internship.

Please help, I really don't know what to do especially when my mum is not supporting me.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude he does work all night. and yes his mood varies, this year it has started after his uni exams

@phonesmash

I understand what you are all saying but what do I do short of contacting MIND/GP? I am not willing to call the police just in case matters become worse (e.g. suicide attempt)

Well, that's pretty easy, then isn't it?

All he has to do is scream 'I'LL KILL MYSELF' and you'll meekly dance to his tune.

Just as well he doesn't have a girlfriend.

www.nhs.uk/oneyou/every-mind-matters/urgent-support/

Sounds like you’ve got a bit of a plan OP.

Help him get over this depression and when he’s stronger make him deal with the rage. This cannot continue - for everyone in the house’s safety. Next time it could be your mum, not just her phone.

Mental health issues don’t mean you get to hold everyone to ransome with threats of physical violence.

I get not wanting to call the police when it's a family member but it would be much better to do so now when it's just phones being smashed and not people being hurt.

The police won't arrest him if he's in a crisis. They will support him (and you) and ensure people's safety, and if necessary take him to hospital or refer to a crisis team.

Mental health is never an excuse for violence or abuse.

Your mother needs to make it clear that his ability to live in her home is contingent on seeking professional help and following a care plan. Further episodes of violence or refusing to work with his doctors mean he needs to leave the home.

If your mother will not take the steps necessary to ensure a peaceful home, then OP, if you are an adult, I would find a way to move out. Do not choose to live with someone who resorts to violence and abuse. If you are not an adult, start saving your money so that you have a nest egg to move out as soon as possible.

While I get where the majority of posters are coming from, why is everyone ignoring the fact that he's hurting himself too? Biting,pulling hair etc. is not normal or ok. Unless he feels no physical pain then that will hurt, and are not the actions of someone putting on a show.

While he is aggressive and damaging things, it sound like the only actual person he's put his hands on is himself. It shows he actually is struggling not just using depression as an excuse or whatever. Ofc, that doesn't mean he doesn't need help. Professional help. OP or her mum should ring her GP. When he's in a rage they should ring the police to get their support.

OP you said parents a few times. Where is his dad? What does he think about all this? How is he dealing with it?

This is pure speculation on my part but I wondered if it might be a mood disorder like bipolar rather than simple depression. The high achieving then crashing made me wonder.
I am not medically qualified so this just a suggestion not an expert opinion.

BTW I am not suggesting simple depression is not a serious and debilitating condition

@PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock dad is the burying his head under the sand type and bloody useless when it comes to most things

Jesus, your poor Mum, she has to do all the emotional heavy lifting for her husband and her son and now you don't feel supported in telling your brother off . I'd have run a mile.

What a fucked up situation, no wonder your mum is struggling.

She has a son that's a danger to himself and already on the path of being a danger to others.

A daughter that knows right from wrong,needs protecting and things to change.

A husband that is completely useless, if not actually making it all worse by pretending nothing's going on.

Take your mum out, have a heart to heart in a non judgemental way, find out how she is and how she feels. What does she want? Offer support ,ideas and gently encourage her to seek support for everyone's sake.

It's incredibly hard for all of you and I know you have the "what if" at the back of your mind, but things can't keep going like this. Odds are the situation will escalate and your brother will get worse not better.

to you and your mum.

Once you notice that abusers always break their targets possessions in their fits of rage you realize it isn't a fit of rage at all.
It is a performance designed to control the target. It appears to be working for your brother.

I can't stop crying and i don't know why
What's happening to me?

Adrenaline wore off.

You're living in constant worry.. for yours,your brother,your mum. You can't make it better,you can't change it. The decisions are hard and a massive responsibility. You're still pretty much locked in together.

I'd be worried if you didn't cry.

Oh op l can totally understand why you are crying, this is a horrrible situation for you to have to deal with.
If l were you l would call a family meeting with your mum and Dad whilst brother is out, and tell them bluntly what you have said here, including the fact that they are the parents and need to make some decisions.
You should not be carrying this yourself.
I suspect your brother would calm down a bit if your father calmly stepped up and parented him.
If you cannot get them to make any changes can you leave? how old are you?

You're crying because you're living in a very dfficult and frightening situation where the brother you love and admire is behaving in a worrying way.
Would you consider speaking to The Samaritans? They're the charity that supports people with suicidal thoughts. They have a page on their website for people like you who are living in situations like yours called 'Looking after yourself', or you can call them on 116 123.

Once you notice that abusers always break their targets possessions in their fits of rage you realize it isn't a fit of rage at all.
It is a performance designed to control the target. It appears to be working for your brother.

I had never thought of it in those terms before but you're absolutely right - what a smart way to look at it. Thank you.

OP when you have shielded yourself from the reality of the situation (which is completely normal) coming to terms with what is happening can be very traumatic. Of course you're crying. You're doing a lot of hard emotional work here, you need a release.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

I read it in this book when I was trying to unpack the abuse I experienced, SionnachRua.

I will definitely give it a read - I have unpacking to do too! Thanks for sharing the link.

Stop pandering to him. Whatever his mental health issues, he is a domestic abuser in the making.
Read 'Why Women Are Blamed For Everything' by Dr Jessica Taylor and introduce your poor mum to the Freedom Programme.
Completely unacceptable behaviour.

I think I was crying because I was fed up at everyone excusing his behaviour. I said he will never learn unless we call the police next time. Everyone said don't you dare do that, you will ruin his career, I need to be more understanding as he is not in the right place atm.

I said in front of my mum yesterday I would pay for half of a new phone if my brother paid the other half and he shook his head!!!

OP it is very understandable that you find this situation frustrating. What you need to realise now is that you cant change it. There is a very unhealthy dynamic being played out between your parents and your brother. It wont change until one of them wants it to. It could be that this dynamic will be played out, in one form or another, for the rest of your parents life.

Please dont waste your life trying to fix this. I spent near on 20 years thinking of I could get them (my brother, my parents) to understand the harm that was being done -if I could just find the right words, the right article for them to read, the right support organisation for them to contact - that they would start changing the way they interact and things would get better. Accepting that I couldn't change it, letting go of the guilt and responsibility was wonderful.

You didn't cause this. You can't control this. You can't fix this. All you can do is distance yourself, mentally and emotionally now and physically when you get the chance.

Well, firstly, if you call the police because your brother is harming himself or others it's his behaviour that's the cause not yours.
Secondly, if your brother is suffering from an undiagnosed and untreated illness how do your parents imagine they are helping him? Do they hope it will just go away? It won't. Your mother obviously knows she needs outside assistance - that's why she called his tutor. But it's the GP she should contact.
Thirdly, if he's not suffering from an illness his behaviour is unacceptable and needs to be addressed.
You should not have to live like this. Your parents have a duty to you as well.