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Original poster

Brother smashed mum's phone in a rage

173 replies

phonesmash · 18/06/2020 10:28

Brother is showing signs of depression again over the past few days (crying every day, hurting himself e.g. biting himself, pulling his hair, saying he doesn't like anything, saying he hates everything). He has been on antidepressants in the past.

He is 21.

Our mum was very concerned about him and contacted his uni tutor (who has been so helpful in the past when brother was depressed and really a godsend).

Mum told brother yesterday that she contacted his tutor. Brother got very angry, saying why did you do that, we aren't in term time anymore, this is personal.

Later in the evening he flew off the handle at her, saying he wanted to kill her (he wouldn't) and himself, throwing everything on the floor (pillows etc) and unfortunately he also threw her phone which this morning is very cracked and the screen is completely black, you can hear the phone but the screen is black.

My view is that he should pay for her phone. When I told him I was very disappointed in him and pointed out that mum's phone was broken, he said "it's her fault". Mum is of the view that her phone was old anyway, she's just glad he got the rage out of his system. WTF??? and she told me not to say anything to him today as he's on his internship.

Please help, I really don't know what to do especially when my mum is not supporting me.

OP posts:
NekoShiro · 18/06/2020 11:04

While I understand that he's depressed smashing stuff up and then blaming the other person for upsetting him to the point that he breaks stuff is not an acceptable mindset.

The only person I ever met with the same thinking was my abusive ex boyfriend who would smash my phone if I texted male friends, and it was my fault for talking to someone male.

Im worried for his future and future partners if this isn't addressed now.

Oh btw my ex used to smash his mums stuff up and she'd let him off for various reasons his whole life, her house was full of kicked in broken doors and she'd just lock herself in her room to get away from him and his brother and let them do whatever they wanted.

Original poster
phonesmash · 18/06/2020 11:04

The issue is, will the GP speak to me/my mum about my brother? We can't force him.

I am just very angry he has broken her phone and there will be no repercussions for him. He is not remorseful, he has not tried to help fix the phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
phonesmash · 18/06/2020 11:05

@NekoShiro I completely agree, I want him to realise his behaviour is not acceptable.

OP posts:
titchy · 18/06/2020 11:07

Ffs the phone is the least of the issues. It sounds like he's seriously mentally ill and needs some sort of crisis team intervention. And your mum should be phoning the police every time he is violent. The phone is nothing. Your mums and brothers lives are everything.

Original poster
phonesmash · 18/06/2020 11:08

@titchy what if the police arrest him? then his future will be ruined

OP posts:
ohoneohtwo · 18/06/2020 11:09

The issue is, will the GP speak to me/my mum about my brother? We can't force him.

No.

I am just very angry he has broken her phone and there will be no repercussions for him. He is not remorseful, he has not tried to help fix the phone.

The GP wouldn't help with repercussions. It's the police who do that/

SchrodingersImmigrant · 18/06/2020 11:09

Destruction of things and threats to kill someone and himself is a very serious matter. That's not "just depression". Speak to mind as pp advised. This is really serious and needs to be dealt with

ohoneohtwo · 18/06/2020 11:10

what if the police arrest him? then his future will be ruined

Aww bless him, what a wee shame Hmm

That's the kind of thinking that will allow this to continue

HollowTalk · 18/06/2020 11:12

I don't think your mum had any right to talk to his university tutor about it. He's 21!

TinyPigeon · 18/06/2020 11:13

You have your priorities wrong. A young man is self harming and depressed. You need to be supportive of him. He needs to feel like he has options, people he can turn to. Obviously the things he has said to your mum aee also completely unacceptable. The phone is so deeply unimportant in comparison I can't believe that's what you're focusing on?!

CelestialSpanking · 18/06/2020 11:15

My view is that he should pay for her phone. When I told him I was very disappointed in him and pointed out that mum's phone was broken

Your mum doesn’t sound arsed about the phone being broken, so this comment from you is unhelpful. Your mum and your brother have bigger issues to deal with. He’s threatened to kill her, he’s lashing out, hurting himself, could hurt other people... I wouldn’t have bothered with the tutor but your mum needs urgent advice on how to deal with your brother and his issues either from the GP or 111. If she feels he’s an immediate threat to her safety 999. Support your mum by all means but with the problems not the symptoms (the broken phone for example).

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 18/06/2020 11:16

The doctor wouldn't talk to you at all - you're his sister and it's nothing to do with you. He's also 21 so they won't talk to your Mum either.

Telling someone who is depressed that you're disappointed with them is not the best thing to say at all.

I really believe you should stay out of it and let your Mum deal with it. It's upto her how she wants to handle it and his sister getting involved isn't going to help with anything.

He needs help and your Mum should have called his GP and let them know rather than the tutor. They wouldn't tell her anything but they could note it down.

Like PP's have said - threatening to kill someone including themselves is very serious and maybe if it happens again your Mum should be calling the police.

Original poster
phonesmash · 18/06/2020 11:17

@tinypigeon my point is we are all trying to help him, I've sat him down and told him to speak to the doctor/get outside/do exercise/eat well/sleep earlier/meet a friend for a socially distant picnic/video call friends, just anything that may help the good hormones flow. but then despite this, when my mum did what she thought was right because she was concerned about him, he was aggressive and violent to the point of smashing her phone - this is unacceptable even if he is depressed especially as we are trying to help

OP posts:
ArriettyJones · 18/06/2020 11:17

[quote phonesmash]@titchy what if the police arrest him? then his future will be ruined[/quote]
What if he kills or injured your mother?

I’m not sure you’re seeing the red flags here.

MitziK · 18/06/2020 11:18

[quote phonesmash]@titchy what if the police arrest him? then his future will be ruined[/quote]
It's going to be a whole lot more fucking ruined if he murders your mother in one of his rages, isn't it?

SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness · 18/06/2020 11:21

what if the police arrest him? then his future will be ruined

What if they don't, & he really hurts someone? Do you think his future will be less ruined? Will his victim's? Abusive behaviour & MH issues aren't mutually exclusive.

TinyPigeon · 18/06/2020 11:23

He's having a mental health crisis I don't think skypeing his friends is going to help much mate. It's a bit more than getting the good hormones to flow Hmm

Try and support your mother. Leave him alone as you obviously have no idea what you're talking about so I very much doubt you're saying anything helpful.

enjoyingscience · 18/06/2020 11:23

He’s an adult male who is behaving abusively.

Fuck his depression, it doesn’t excuse abuse,

BlueJava · 18/06/2020 11:24

This is between your mum and brother - not you, so I feel you should stay well out of it.

If he is on an internship placement today then please just stop going on about the phone to him and let him be. It's far more important that you trust your mum on this and he gets on with his placement than worrying about a phone he busted.

2bazookas · 18/06/2020 11:24

That description sounds to me beyond depression. He may be deteriorating into even worse mental problems which need some urgent medical help to avoid serious physical harm to himself (or someone else)

Don't focus on the phone; that's not what's important here.

Support your mother in seeking outside medical intervention asap.

Original poster
phonesmash · 18/06/2020 11:26

@TinyPigeon oxytocin, serotonin etc. I am trying my best to help with practical solutions so don't be so nasty

OP posts:
Original poster
phonesmash · 18/06/2020 11:28

If we can't speak to the GP what the hell can we do?

OP posts:
ohoneohtwo · 18/06/2020 11:29

You have your priorities wrong. A young man is self harming and depressed. You need to be supportive of him. He needs to feel like he has options, people he can turn to. Obviously the things he has said to your mum aee also completely unacceptable. The phone is so deeply unimportant in comparison I can't believe that's what you're focusing on?!

You are the one who has got it wrong.

Depression is not an excuse.

Yes, he needs help for his depression but the situation with being violent and breaking things is not 'deeply unimportant'

ohoneohtwo · 18/06/2020 11:31

Don't focus on the phone; that's not what's important here.

In context...

Later in the evening he flew off the handle at her, saying he wanted to kill her (he wouldn't) and himself, throwing everything on the floor (pillows etc) and unfortunately he also threw her phone which this morning is very cracked and the screen is completely black, you can hear the phone but the screen is black.

Yes, it really is important. That is abusive behaviour and has no place.

MandosHatHair · 18/06/2020 11:31

That’s not depression, it’s abuse.

This! Just because it's between a mother and son, doesn't make it any less serious than other DV situations. What would PP's responses be if it was a husband smashing the wife's phone? Let your mum know that if she ever needs your help and support, you are there for her.