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AIBU?

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Original poster

My Partner Keeps Tickling Me...

153 replies

MaudG · 17/06/2020 22:02

Trying to work out if I'm over reacting!

My partner keeps tickling me, I've told him so many times that I hate it. I have also told him over and over again that it upsets me that he keeps doing it when I've told him I hate it.

Every time he says he's sorry he's upset me and he won't do it again. It can be a few days or even a few hours later, and he does it again.

Just to be clear that it's not prolonged or intense tickling, more just a little tickle lasting a second - but it's the fact he does it when he knows I hate it, then I get upset that he's doing something he knows I hate and doesn't seem to care that I hate it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Destroyedpeople · 19/06/2020 00:01

'Tickling ' is usually nasty let's be honest it's a power play.

And if she has asked him not to then I would imagine that he 'fully comprehends ' that she doesn't like it.
Possibly he is not kind.

Name7 · 19/06/2020 00:02

It doesn’t matter what it is, tickling, rubbing your shoulders, messing with your hair. You are allowed to be in charge of your own body. You’ve said no to something and he had ignored that. It’s not just disrespectful, it’s showing (implying) ownership. He doesn’t get to do that. No matter how lovely he is, if he can’t respect your boundaries, which you are allowed to have, he goes.

Name7 · 19/06/2020 00:03

Power play is exactly right

StillMedusa · 19/06/2020 00:04

I ( as an adult) bit the last person who tickled me. A repeat offender..I had said time and time again that I hated it. But he (adult) thought it was funny.
Sank my teeth into his shoulder when he pinned me down and bit hard.
He never did it again.

I don't like violence but frankly he was never going to respect my boundaries otherwise.

Curious78 · 19/06/2020 00:05

I just don't get the rationale sometimes...there will be someone whose husband burped after dinner and someone will pipe up and say "Vile. Leave him" Hmm

Name7 · 19/06/2020 00:08

I just don't get the rationale sometimes...there will be someone whose husband burped after dinner and someone will pipe up and say "Vile. Leave him" hmm

Nowhere near the same. My body, my choice

Destroyedpeople · 19/06/2020 00:10

It's not in that league curious78 is it? I am not going to be nasty to you but it's always a larger or stronger person doing the 'tickling' and it's not nice or kind or fun. Especially when the person has been asked to stop it.

lottiegarbanzo · 19/06/2020 00:12

You need to start farting loudly, close to him. You'll get a reaction. Then you can keep doing it and say 'but I thought you liked it?!'.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/06/2020 01:02

[quote Curious78]@butterflybitch I will tickle her feet or under her chin, she giggles and says stop. I stop. She says do it again, I tickle her feet, her chin, she giggles louder, says stop, I stop. The cycle may go on a couple more times before I say "right, that's enough'

Still appalled ?[/quote]
That's exactly the opposite of what you said earlier.

ShinyFootball · 19/06/2020 01:13

Tell him to fucking pack it in.

Involuntary elbow to somewhere sensitive might help, if you do it every time he tickles you...

meuca · 19/06/2020 09:45

An ex used to do this to me. I explained dozens of times that I hated it. "But you laugh," he would say...and I would have to explain, AGAIN, that the laughter was an involuntary reaction and had nothing to do with enjoyment on my part.

There are people who enjoy being tickled. There are others who don't. And yes, when you are helpless - because tickling creates an imbalance of power - and unable to get away and shouting, "stop, get off me, fuck off" between the involuntary laughter, it is incredibly unpleasant and a violation of boundaries.

My ex never understood. I hope your partner does learn, OP, because this is really vile behaviour.

HollowTalk · 19/06/2020 09:55

[quote Curious78]@butterflybitch I will tickle her feet or under her chin, she giggles and says stop. I stop. She says do it again, I tickle her feet, her chin, she giggles louder, says stop, I stop. The cycle may go on a couple more times before I say "right, that's enough'

Still appalled ?[/quote]
But did you read what the OP said? She's not saying "do it again." She says, I've told him so many times that I hate it. I have also told him over and over again that it upsets me that he keeps doing it when I've told him I hate it.

Can you see the difference?

MulticolourMophead · 19/06/2020 10:28

[quote Hakunaluna]@Curious78 I agree with you. People make immediate snap judgements and are so absolute in their statements on here. You can't fully understand someone's life, personality or intentions from just one post and it's not fair to start immediately criticising someone's parenting or to badge someone as controlling and abusive!!

Maybe OP's partner just doesn't fully comprehend yet that she really hates tickling and thinks she's just being playful?! One more chat is perhaps needed before the dumping commences...![/quote]
My partner keeps tickling me, I've told him so many times that I hate it. I have also told him over and over again that it upsets me that he keeps doing it when I've told him I hate it.

I'd say that this is enough evidence that OP has told him firmly to stop, and he's ignoring her.

And tickling is definitely abusive behaviour when someone has been told repeatedly to stop.

The situation with Curious78 and her DD is totally different as the DD is asking for more tickling, according to her post.

TiptopJ · 19/06/2020 10:39

An ex used to do this to me. I detest being tickled but would still laugh even though I was asking him to stop which, whilst I'm not excusing him, could have been why he thought I was sending mixed messages. In the end I dealt with it by treating it as if it was an actual attack. I fought back as hard and dirty as I could- hard kicks, went for the eyes, knees in the stomach ect. No girly holding back. Mentally it stopped me laughing and only took a few times before he realised how serious I actually was.

Casschops · 19/06/2020 11:28

Id hate it too. I hate it when people tickle babies too hard and say "oh look they're laughing." No its a reflex.

iklboo · 19/06/2020 14:10

OP is it a sort of sexual fetish type thing? Maybe he wants to start introducing this into the bedroom...!

In what world would this be acceptable when the complaint has told him many, many times that she doesn't like it? How would doing in the bedroom suddenly make her enjoy it?

Hakunaluna · 19/06/2020 14:45

@iklboo never said it would be acceptable! I'm just trying to offer alternative suggestions to try and understand his rationale, rather than immediately point to him being abusive and controlling!! I mean he might be those things, but he might also just be oblivious; or enjoy it and selfishly not pick up on how much OP doesn't. Although re-reading the post, I think on hindsight OP has made it pretty clear.

2Rebecca · 19/06/2020 15:06

I hate being tickled and would get angry if someone tickled me when asked to stop. Doing something to another person you know they dislike repeatedly is not a loving gesture and is playing power games. You need to let him know you are serious about wanting him to stop

MulticolourMophead · 19/06/2020 15:15

OP is it a sort of sexual fetish type thing? Maybe he wants to start introducing this into the bedroom...!

Funny enough (not), my abusive ex claimed he was just trying to spice things up when he tried stuff I said "NO" to, and I said No many times, and very clearly, too.

If someone tells you they don't like X, Y, or Z, then you stop, and don't do it again. That's what decent people do.

Which is why many of us reckon this is abusive behaviour. It's about the perpetrator demonstrating to the victim that they have power, and that they have no intention of listening and adhering to clearly stated boundaries.

The fact that it is tickling is irrelevant, it could be any behaviour the OP doesn't want foisted on her.

EnidsCrochetCorner · 19/06/2020 15:27

I would ask him outright why he thinks it is okay to do that to you. It isn't the tickiling it is the over-stepping boundaries, you have been clear. It also makes you fearful of him doing it.

Curious you have back tracked what you said, initially you said Oh...well I shall continue tickling my 4 year old in spite of her giggling resistance. Similar sort of thing! Probably worse given she can't fight back

Then changed it to her saying no, you stopping, so listening to her boundaries about her body with her then giving your permission to do it again by asking you verbally.

In schools we teach children about what is fun for you (shoving another child over) is not necessarily fun for them (hurt, and crying on the ground) so to learn to ask to play games that involving pushing etc. We teach this to reception children. This is to protect them in the long run.

Also children can start getting very pissed off about being pinned down and being tickled. It stops being fun, possibly based on that it teaches us where we are vulnerable to attack so we learn to be wary of those areas being attacked. Once that lesson is taught it is no longer a fun thing.

LellyMcKelly · 19/06/2020 15:38

Oh come on, how can you now tell the difference between a 4 year old genuinely enjoying the interaction and someone who is obviously upset. My DS loves a tickle, but when he says stop, we stop and when I do tickle him I give him plenty of opportunity to stop me before my hand goes anywhere near him. This is not the same thing.

Amibannedorwhat · 19/06/2020 15:38

Tell him to grow up

Rhubardandcustard · 19/06/2020 15:53

You say it’s just this one thing.

But it’s one thing you don’t like and you’ve asked him to stop and he still does it.

Replace the tickling with hitting you and then ask yourself if you would still stay with him.

Sorry op massive red flag. He won’t stop, you’ve let him get away with it and carry on.

PotholeParadise · 19/06/2020 17:26

OP, if you kept tickling your friends and they kept asking you not to, and then you just kept doing it over and over again, would they think you were lovely?

Would you have any friends left if you treated them like you're being treated, in regards to the tickling?

Jazzled · 19/06/2020 19:13

@iklboo never said it would be acceptable! I'm just trying to offer alternative suggestions to try and understand his rationale, rather than immediately point to him being abusive and controlling!!

If he's doing it for a kick this would make him more abusive and controlling not less.

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