Friend wants to be known as 'they'

[namechangeindiana]

I know there's a lot of discussion about this going on at the moment, but I read the threads and don't understand a lot of the terminology. I haven't done a huge amount of reading about it, but I know that I feel uncomfortable with it and don't really 'get' it.

I keep forgetting and calling my friend 'she' or 'her'. This then ends in a minor heated discussion and me trying to defend the fact that it takes time for me to change the language I am used to using. I try, I really do. We have been friends for 24 years.

Has 'they/them' always been a thing? Am I completely awful for thinking it's strange and not being entirely comfortable with it?

Sorry if I sound naive or am posting something that has been done a million times. I've not thought about it much until now. Willing to learn and hear other people's views...

Preparing to be flamed...

[FelicityBeedle]

All the people claiming it’s uncomfortable to use they in the singular, if a person is unknown I take it you wouldn’t say ‘oh why are they doing that?’
It takes no effort to use what people ask, no matter your views, it’s just polite

[Deadringer]

Why does your friend want to be referred to as they? She sorry they sound like a twat.

[4Smalls]

It's the individual's prerogative to choose what pronouns they'd prefer

Give me a break.

[Nihiloxica]

It's the individual's prerogative to choose what pronouns they'd prefer.

No it's not.

The speaker chooses the words they use.

Making demands about how other people must speak about you in the 3rd person is obnoxious.

Probably easier to phase "them" out rather than going along with this bullshit.

[Bmidreams]

Looks like I'm in good company!

[laidbacklife]

YANBU. Your friend is being unreasonable expecting everyone to conform to her bastardisation of the English language. We all know how to use the plural pronoun ‘they’ and it is not for 3rd person singular. Suggest you tell her to stop whinging and get a life. Or just focus on your friends who don’t spout this kind of clap trap.

[SirVixofVixHall]

Everyone is non binary.
This is self obsession gone mad. For a start you only use pronouns when someone isn’t there, imagine trying to police how people talk about you behind your back ? Exhausting and ridiculous.

[FantaOra]

Blimey, I may have one time worried if my friends were calling me fat or ugly when I wasn't there, but to worry about them not calling me they when I am not there would make me a sad sack victim of identity politics.

So sorry your friend has succumbed to this modern illness. Hope she gets over it soon.

[LindaLovesCake]

She’s already explained how it came up.

It’s outrageous to suggest that the friend might killl themselves because OP has forgotten to use a pronoun she’s been using for decades!

I’d stop seeing them because I wouldn’t want to be on eggshells with someone I’ve been friends with for years and years. Your friendship should have more meaning to them than this.

[westenddweller]

@EarringsandLipstick

What?

Why is it 'attention-seeking'?

It's the individual's prerogative to choose what pronouns they'd prefer. It's not exactly a new thing.

It really is a new thing.

[PinkyU]

@laidbacklife so how to you refer to a person of unknown sex?

“I was at the doctors today for my cough”

“What did they say?”

[Kay2theT]

I understand where you are coming from regarding switching the langauge you use. We don't think of every single word when we say a sentence and it is easy to slip into words you've used for a ling time. I moved to the UK at 18 and its been about ten yrars but I still slip in some slang or words from SA naturally because that's how I speak.

It's also hard to understand someone who has decided to become gender neutral, because as humans we are built to catergorise. You've also known your friend a while and have an image of them in yoyr mind that your memory refers to when socialising, so basically you are rewiring your perception of this person and their place in the world subconsciously and it can be uncomfortable and hard.

If you are trying and genuinely just forgetting then your friend should be understanding and encouraging rather than offended and argumentative. At the end of the day, your gender really doesn't define who you are as an entire person. Unless you have body dismorphia, which is a genuine disorder and absolutely awful.

[Waxonwaxoff0]

Some people on here love to make everything about themselves and their feelings. If a friend wants to be known as "they" why is it so hard to make the effort just because you can't be bothered? It's not about you.

[TinyPigeon]

Either drop the friendship if it annoys you so much, or be supportive of your friend and call them they. If you slip up, correct yourself. It's not that hard.

[TheFormerPorpentinaScamander]

My friends wife uses the pronouns they/them. I'm getting used to it and hope I havent caused any upset when I've forgotten

I also think it's a load of nonsense but love them (plural them - friend and wife) so respect their right to use it

[Nihiloxica]

It is about her, if she's the one getting shouted at for the words she uses.

[L0bstersLass]

If you can't remember to say they, then I suggest you stop using her/she and refer to your friend by their name in all instances when you would previously have said her/she. That might be easier.

You don't have to be comfortable with it, but it's not a big ask and surely you don't want your friend to feel uncomfortable if one easy change makes their life better.

[Prettybluepigeons]

Everyone is NOT non- binary.
We are an entirely binary species.

We may not adhere to socially constructed gender stereotypes but we are all binary. Male or female.

[FantaOra]

It's not you, it's they.

This has to be the 21st century version of Marie Antoinette and her sheep.

[SadSisters]

To me they/them is plural and I cannot get my head round referring to a singular person in those terms because (to me) it’s factually incorrect.

A grammar lesson may assist!

‘They’ is often used to denote a singular person where their gender is unknown. For example, I might say to my husband ‘I spoke to the doctor today’ and he might reply ‘what did they say?’. Or when referring to my unborn baby, we use the word ‘them’ or ‘they’ because we don’t know their gender.

Here is a Wikipedia article that explains it better than I will: en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Singular_they

[Nihiloxica]

Maybe you should stop speaking altogether until you have learny6how to do better and speak using the approved vocabulary.

It's not that hard.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

Oh I couldn't be doing with all that tippy toeing over egg shells. Life's too sort and too stressful.

[Bmidreams]

We certainly all are non binary! We tried to get rid of sexual stereotypes decades ago, yet here we are with this bloody gender theory. It's so restrictive. Yet its made out that we're old fashioned and regressive. Madness!!! Nobody gives a fucking shit.

[romdowa]

They are unreasonable and this is something that annoys me in general. It's like you've known her as mary for 24 years and all of a sudden they want to be called tom. It's only natural that you would call them mary from time to time. If your friend wants to make this change then they need to make allowances for people not to get it right 100% of the time and learn not to take things so personally.

[titchy]

Research the links between suicide rates and use of preferred names/pronouns

There are no links. Any that others suggest have been thoroughly debunked.