If your friend came to you and said, I’ve decided to change my name. I have escaped an abusive relationship and don’t want the person to find me
Its not the same.
I am yet to find a comparison that truly works tbh.
The whole point is a rejection of the former self and the reinvention of self to create a new identity and sense of self and a complete erasure of the past.
If you were trying to hide from someone, you (generally) aren't in denial of the past. You very much acknowledge its existance even if you don't want to speak about it. It is a matter of safety rather than a matter of focusing on this inner sense of self and thats really important. You change a name but you aren't intrinsically also trying to make the point that you are a different person. You've just changed your name.
There may be some comparison with people who have suffered trauma and are in deep denial (perhaps for good reason) and how this might manifest in someone escaping an abusive relation but the difference is in whether the focus is self preservation or a deeply inward looking and conscious break in how they present to the world in terms of dress, mannerisms etc on a broader level.
The better comparison is as if the former persona of the person declaring themselves as non-binary or trans has 'died'. Its not a great comparison, but I do think its the best there is. Family and close friends, almost need a grieving period and really don't understand that this is happening, especially when they are constantly told 'they are still the same person they were before' (when they are simulataineously being asked to treat the person differently and pretend they have a different history / sex / physical stature or presence to the one they have always known). I think its only after a while that family and close friends grasp the concept that the persona they knew has been suppressed / deliberately changed to present / become a new one.
Their motivation isn’t to make you feel you are walking on eggshells. It is about someone they love accepting them as they want to be accepted.
The problem with this, is the point about 'being accepted' is that the act that they be treated differently, is an act of asserting themselves and demanding a certain response which they approve of. Or to put it in a term which is better known: the need to be validated. And my point about simulataineously being told, 'they are still the same person' even though they are demanding to be treated differently. These two concepts can not sit side by side. If you accept someone for who they are, you don't then have to prove it again - except for in this situation, where there is this need to validate the change and demonstrate this.
If you do not live up to the 'correct' behaviour you are judged, but one party is constantly being forced to try and live up to this, without fully understanding what is expected of them. What one person thinks as being supportive, the other may not percieve it as that. And this is something that is offlimits to talk about honestly because of this blanket shit about causing offense. In someone who is deeply insecure, you might well find yourself on a hiding to nothing anyway.
There is 'accept it as I tell you as a transperson because I'm the weaker oppressed party or you are a bigot'. And this model is what is promoted by the community as to how to deal with the situation and promoted by lobby groups etc as how others must comply with.
Any wobble or problem from friends and family is something that can not been spoken because 'transphobia'. Any sense of it having a negative impact on them, is 'invalid' because of their 'cis privilige'.
Its all a complete pile of rot, and it doesn't serve either party. There's unrealistic expectations and this creates a victimhood complex which may not reflect reality. And the other party can be completely blindsided, and feel like whatever they do, its not good enough, because they are competing with these extreme insecurities.
I genuinely believe there are too many cases, where the dynamic means that in order to 'become their true self' there needs to be a rejection of people with a shared identity and past, to 'free' them from it and that does involve a period of relationship breakdown - whether forced or unintentional. This can manifest in a way which is entirely about 'testing' loved ones 'loyality' with behaviour which in other situations would not be acceptable. This is about pushing boundaries and testing limits. The 'If you really truly loved me you'd do x for me' situation.
There is a very distinct pattern of behaviour which friends and family seem to report with a regularity which is almost spooky.
The idea that family and friends 'aren't trying hard enough' is one that is manipulative and loaded with emotional blackmail.
The thing about 'walking on eggshells' is something that is an experience that can only be felt by others, and if they say thats how they feel its not a lie. Yet it is framed as an 'invalid' feeling. This is pure crap.
The whole thing has to be an exchange and a compromise based on a gradual understanding and movement to a shared new understanding of each other - or else it IS imposed and IS about power over another - because it is about a shared part of identity NOT individual identity. (We do not have singular individual identities. Identity has multiple facets; we have individual identities, shared relationship identities and wider social identities and these all combine to define us as individuals)
I've said on this thread several times, about this point of there being a fundamental lack of understanding of identity formation and its multiple layers and that is where the problem with this all this lies. Until this is confronted and taken seriously this will continue to destroy so many lives - both those who are coming out and those who are extremely close to them and trying to deal with the fall out for themselves and those they care about.
But yeah, we just get 'bigot' thrown about by people who have no fucking idea what they are talking about.
