My daughter is 17 months old and ever since she was born there has been friction between my boyfriend's mother and I; its as if she has no regard for any routines or instructions I give, and does as she pleases. I could handle this if my boyfriend backed me up but he never does, he thinks I am unreasonable... am I?
Many things have happened and each time I have raised the issue with my boyfriend, but it develops into an argument as he sees it all as harsh criticism of his mother, but I will summarise a few:
MIL turned up at our house with her daughter, son-in-law and elderly neighbour within an hour of us getting home from the hospital. I had been discharged 20 hours after giving birth. My boyfriend had decided that no family were allowed to visit for the first few days - I think he actually meant just MY family. I was not told they were coming, but my boyfriend had been on the phone to them while I was having a nap on the sofa and told them they could visit. I held my baby close and refused to let MIL hold her when she asked; I told her that I needed time to bond with my baby and wouldn't be letting anybody but her father hold her for the first week or so.
For the first month of our baby's life MIL kept visiting unannounced; she had been given a key for our apartment 2 weeks before I went into labour so that she could come and feed our Cats if needed. MIL refused to give the key up until I physically took it from her on the final unannounced visit. During her visits MIL would try and take baby from my breast as she was feeding, she also snook in to the bedroom while I was asleep and took baby from the bassinet to have a cuddle in the living room.
Biggie!!! When baby was 4 months old MIL and SIL came to visit when I had taken her out for a walk; when I returned MIL had come out of the apartment, down 5 flights of stairs and was running towards me screeching and waving her arms. She asked if she could take baby for a walk in the pram on her own. I obliged but informed her that baby would be due a feed soon, so she must be back in 30 minutes. When MIL wasn't back in time I tried to call her phone but it was switched off. SIL and BF were telling me not to panic, and give her more time. After an hour I got my trainers on and sprinted (very difficult with full breasts) around the block to try and find her, she was nowhere to be seen. I returned and sent BF and SIL out in their cars to find her. BF returned with her 4 HOURS AFTER SHE HAD LEFT; it turned out she had been to meet "friends" (my boyfriend's ex-gf and her sister) for coffee in the local park; MIL had also given baby a yoghurt (not even a baby yoghurt, she was solely breastfed and I hadn't started weaning her at that point).
After the incident above I refused to let MIL have any alone time with baby at all until she was 11 months old. MIL had offered to look after her when I returned to work full-time and BF was refusing to use any paid childcare. I let her look after baby for a few hours each afternoon while I caught up with housework. I knew she was struggling, she has no empathy and no patience with children. A few weeks before I was due back at work she turned on the water-works and told BF that she couldn't cope with looking after baby, but then blamed it on me - she said that I had denied her the chance to bond and get to know her granddaughter.
The covid-19 lockdown... MIL turns up unannounced a few times each week and expects to come into the house to see baby; I put my foot down straight away and agree to letting her see her in the garden (even though this is still technically against the law in the UK at that point). She cannot even remember to keep her distance and has to be told numerous times to back off; so I had to be the bad-guy again and insist that she only sees her through the window. We get the water-works again, BF and I don't speak for days because of the argument we had.
The latest... I am falling behind on work at home and we can now form bubbles in the UK, so we agreed that MIL can look after our daughter 2 afternoons each week. As my daughter is now 17 months old she is much more independent, and is able to tell you what she wants (and does not want). This afternoon I dropped her off with a bag of toys, a healthy snack, water cup etc. I gave MIL instructions that she should have her snack at around 3pm, to keep offering her water throughout the afternoon, ensure she is not in the sun for too long - all common-sense stuff really. More background: SIL is VERY obese (has diabetes and asthma because of her weight), MIL is a feeder; for the duration of our relationship I have been amazed at how my MIL instantly offers my BF (38 yo) biscuits, sweets and chocolates as soon as she sees him, and like a little child he never says no and doesn't actually know when to stop eating them. So... I also very clearly told her: NO CHOCOLATE OR BISCUITS! Baby has snacks in the bag, please only offer her them. BF collects baby on his way home from work and returns an hour later than usual; another really annoying trait MIL has is fault-picking, first it was the dreaded wind, then she thought baby had ADHD (I'm a teacher... don't even try this one on me when you have no educational experience Carol!), she is the sort of person who has to play doctor and find something wrong with baby - and it usually stems from something she thinks I am doing wrong. So when BF returns baby is overtired and hungry... - of course she is! If you had come straight home she could've had the dinner that has been ready for over 30 minutes!!! Baby's bib and T-Shirt are covered in CHOCOLATE, her snacks are still in the bag untouched and her sippy-cup smells of cordial. I try to be calm and tell BF that I left his mother with instructions and repeat them to him. He just walks away, mutters something under his breath and then ignores me until baby has gone to bed.
We just had yet another argument. Yes, I understand that a little chocolate once in a while, and a little cordial is probably harmless; but my point is that once again, she has completely disregarded my instructions and done her own thing. I raised the issue of his sister, and the fact that when living with his mother he too was obese. This didn't go down very well but I had to bring it up in my defence. I do not want my child growing up addicted to cake, biscuits and chocolate in the very unhealthy way that her aunty is, and her father was... all because MIL cannot follow simple instructions.
I just feel like I cannot trust this woman at all, and am so angry with my BF that I feel like leaving him. There are other mummy's-boy issues underpinning this that have affected our relationship.
So... thank you for reading. Am I being unreasonable here?