MIL ignores my instructions... again

[84teacher]

My daughter is 17 months old and ever since she was born there has been friction between my boyfriend's mother and I; its as if she has no regard for any routines or instructions I give, and does as she pleases. I could handle this if my boyfriend backed me up but he never does, he thinks I am unreasonable... am I?

Many things have happened and each time I have raised the issue with my boyfriend, but it develops into an argument as he sees it all as harsh criticism of his mother, but I will summarise a few:

MIL turned up at our house with her daughter, son-in-law and elderly neighbour within an hour of us getting home from the hospital. I had been discharged 20 hours after giving birth. My boyfriend had decided that no family were allowed to visit for the first few days - I think he actually meant just MY family. I was not told they were coming, but my boyfriend had been on the phone to them while I was having a nap on the sofa and told them they could visit. I held my baby close and refused to let MIL hold her when she asked; I told her that I needed time to bond with my baby and wouldn't be letting anybody but her father hold her for the first week or so.

For the first month of our baby's life MIL kept visiting unannounced; she had been given a key for our apartment 2 weeks before I went into labour so that she could come and feed our Cats if needed. MIL refused to give the key up until I physically took it from her on the final unannounced visit. During her visits MIL would try and take baby from my breast as she was feeding, she also snook in to the bedroom while I was asleep and took baby from the bassinet to have a cuddle in the living room.

Biggie!!! When baby was 4 months old MIL and SIL came to visit when I had taken her out for a walk; when I returned MIL had come out of the apartment, down 5 flights of stairs and was running towards me screeching and waving her arms. She asked if she could take baby for a walk in the pram on her own. I obliged but informed her that baby would be due a feed soon, so she must be back in 30 minutes. When MIL wasn't back in time I tried to call her phone but it was switched off. SIL and BF were telling me not to panic, and give her more time. After an hour I got my trainers on and sprinted (very difficult with full breasts) around the block to try and find her, she was nowhere to be seen. I returned and sent BF and SIL out in their cars to find her. BF returned with her 4 HOURS AFTER SHE HAD LEFT; it turned out she had been to meet "friends" (my boyfriend's ex-gf and her sister) for coffee in the local park; MIL had also given baby a yoghurt (not even a baby yoghurt, she was solely breastfed and I hadn't started weaning her at that point).

After the incident above I refused to let MIL have any alone time with baby at all until she was 11 months old. MIL had offered to look after her when I returned to work full-time and BF was refusing to use any paid childcare. I let her look after baby for a few hours each afternoon while I caught up with housework. I knew she was struggling, she has no empathy and no patience with children. A few weeks before I was due back at work she turned on the water-works and told BF that she couldn't cope with looking after baby, but then blamed it on me - she said that I had denied her the chance to bond and get to know her granddaughter.

The covid-19 lockdown... MIL turns up unannounced a few times each week and expects to come into the house to see baby; I put my foot down straight away and agree to letting her see her in the garden (even though this is still technically against the law in the UK at that point). She cannot even remember to keep her distance and has to be told numerous times to back off; so I had to be the bad-guy again and insist that she only sees her through the window. We get the water-works again, BF and I don't speak for days because of the argument we had.

The latest... I am falling behind on work at home and we can now form bubbles in the UK, so we agreed that MIL can look after our daughter 2 afternoons each week. As my daughter is now 17 months old she is much more independent, and is able to tell you what she wants (and does not want). This afternoon I dropped her off with a bag of toys, a healthy snack, water cup etc. I gave MIL instructions that she should have her snack at around 3pm, to keep offering her water throughout the afternoon, ensure she is not in the sun for too long - all common-sense stuff really. More background: SIL is VERY obese (has diabetes and asthma because of her weight), MIL is a feeder; for the duration of our relationship I have been amazed at how my MIL instantly offers my BF (38 yo) biscuits, sweets and chocolates as soon as she sees him, and like a little child he never says no and doesn't actually know when to stop eating them. So... I also very clearly told her: NO CHOCOLATE OR BISCUITS! Baby has snacks in the bag, please only offer her them. BF collects baby on his way home from work and returns an hour later than usual; another really annoying trait MIL has is fault-picking, first it was the dreaded wind, then she thought baby had ADHD (I'm a teacher... don't even try this one on me when you have no educational experience Carol!), she is the sort of person who has to play doctor and find something wrong with baby - and it usually stems from something she thinks I am doing wrong. So when BF returns baby is overtired and hungry... - of course she is! If you had come straight home she could've had the dinner that has been ready for over 30 minutes!!! Baby's bib and T-Shirt are covered in CHOCOLATE, her snacks are still in the bag untouched and her sippy-cup smells of cordial. I try to be calm and tell BF that I left his mother with instructions and repeat them to him. He just walks away, mutters something under his breath and then ignores me until baby has gone to bed.

We just had yet another argument. Yes, I understand that a little chocolate once in a while, and a little cordial is probably harmless; but my point is that once again, she has completely disregarded my instructions and done her own thing. I raised the issue of his sister, and the fact that when living with his mother he too was obese. This didn't go down very well but I had to bring it up in my defence. I do not want my child growing up addicted to cake, biscuits and chocolate in the very unhealthy way that her aunty is, and her father was... all because MIL cannot follow simple instructions.

I just feel like I cannot trust this woman at all, and am so angry with my BF that I feel like leaving him. There are other mummy's-boy issues underpinning this that have affected our relationship.

So... thank you for reading. Am I being unreasonable here?

I can’t believe the number of dimwit posts on this thread. Seriously.

OP I think you must have the patience of a saint because by now I would have left my loser boyfriend and his abusive mother far behind and headed for the hills.

Your MIL is abusive. There is no other word for it. From stealing your baby while you are asleep, to feeding her inappropriate foods, to ignoring the way you feel - it’s all abuse.

Thank God you had the good sense so far not to marry your BF.

OP sympathies but I had a wonderful DM and DMil neither of whom did anything with the DC without doublechecking. Neither rocked up on my doorstep with other people just after I'd given birth nor did they demand a cuddle - who does that? is it a thing? And they certainly wouldn't have fed my DC anything me and my DP hadn't allowed.

Can you not sit down and talk to your DP calmly about the issues? If you can do so it might help him understand and support you. What does he do? I'm surprised you are paying half the child care when it's half his child.

Draw a line in the sand now and don't ever let her have your dc on her own. I understand that you want to catch up on work, but you'll have to stop seeing her as an option to help. If you can't use a childminder then you'll have to sort something else out. Working after hours or on a weekend. Treat it as though she's not there. Not available and not an option.

You are being extremely unread for using the wonderful name of Carol as an insult...It means song of joy and is a lovely name from the 50s. And it is my name. Don’t misuse it.

Otherwise, no, you are not being unreasonable at all. Your baby, your rules. You need to get DP on side though...

Extremely unreasonable not unread 😀

Hang on , OP is not controlling, OP is maintaining clear boundaries under massive pressure from MIL.

The only thing unreasonable about what you're doing OP is letting her have your baby at all.

YANBU
You need to stock all unsupervised contact and arrange for a nursery place while you work.
If her father refuses to contribute to nursery fees then he needs to find somewhere else to live.

If you split and she isn’t able to look after the baby, he would have to pay for the childcare on his days. He’s better get used to doing it.

I’m not sure where he would stand legally filming you without permission with your breasts out either. Personally, every time he tried I would take the baby off, give it to him and walk out.

I think the people who called OP controlling would have called her behaviour PFB if they or their friends had said something about not allowing hugs in the first 2 weeks for bonding purposes (sorry OP )

I think that she's not pushed the issue of her MIL's behaviour enough. Would her h accept his MIL doing the same or would he put his foot down and tell his wife to tell her mum to back off.

I don’t understand all the criticism you’re getting, OP.

She disappeared for four hours to share your baby with his ex? She’s lucky to still be breathing!

You have a BF and MIL problem.

I would be tempted to get rid of BF but sadly that sounds like it would put your DD straight into the care of MIL when she is with her father.

You need to set your boundaries. These now include MIL never having DD alone. They also include a few choice words with your BF about his priorities and the sort of partnership you expect from him. He had nothing to say about his crazy mother disappearing with your baby for four hours? He’s either a drip or he’s a co-conspirator and neither has a role in parenting.

@snowybean

You should link this post to your bf and say "this sounds EXACTLY LIKE US" and let him read all of the responses.

Sounds like you need to sit him down and discuss working on your relationship. Get him to open up on everything, especially around his relationship with MIL. Then you need to talk about the various incidents with MIL and why you feel you can't trust her to be alone with DD. I think the 4-hour EBF thing would push me over the edge.

If you ring a phone twice in two minutes, it rings despite being in Do Not Disturb mode.

Wow! I didn't realise this! So she actually did switch the phone off then?! 😤😠

I totally agree that disappearing with your child is completely bizarre behaviour but so is not letting a grandmother hold their first grandchild 🤯

I think it comes down to a difference in family dynamics and there may be no malice intended, I've never been given instructions to look after my nephews and I've looked after them alone from when they were very small. Admittedly I'm not a twat so wouldn't run off with them and have a great relationship with them and my brothers partner.

I know a lot of people are saying cut MIL out but a smarter idea is spending more time with her, find some common ground and work through it. She will always be DCs grandmother and DPs mum and putting your child and relationship first probably means building some bridges (I'm not saying you should have to but probably long term save you some stress) anyway I wish you the best and hope you sort it out ☺️

OP I have to speak up here in defence of you not letting anyone hold the baby for the first week, I had my son during flu season and was advised by the Public Health Nurse not to let anyone one near him for a little while, babies need to be protected in the early stages to build up their immunity. I’m twice as bad as you OP because no one except me or my husband held the baby for the first two weeks, both our families were fine with it (or at the very least they didn’t complain to my face).

My little boy is 20 months now and in all that time has had 1 cold and literally no other sickness/infections. People often remark to us how strong he is, Not saying it’s a direct result of us shielding him for the first two weeks but I’m happy with our decision. I’m pregnant now with our 2nd baby and plan on doing the exact same again.

At the end of the day no one is owed a cuddle of your baby, it’s not “rude” or “spiteful” to follow your instincts as a mother and do something to protect your newborn.

OP I think you need to work on your BF before you think about dealing with your MIL.

He doesn't pay for childcare because he wants his mum to do 5 days a week. Except after 3 afternoons she said she couldn't do it. So he needs to step up and pay half childcare.

Where was he that afternoon when you needed to catch up on work? I have 2 young DC and DH and I juggle every single day to keep up with work and caring for them because we're a team. Your BF needs to step up here.

@Oldbutstillgotit

Why do you keep giving her chances ? Find other childcare if needed .

Exactly

Some people are being really horrid. I don’t think OP seems controlling just trying to manage impossible people. leave her alone!

This

I think in your situation, I’d be quietly making plans to move permanently nearer to my family, and then separate once a job & house were organised. You’re outnumbered by idiots currently.

OP, what are the other behaviours your alluded to?
Is is he a good father or partner?
Are you happy with him generally?
If not, what are you staying for?

I don't understand why you pay all childcare fees, she's both your baby & responsibility. Unless he pays equivalent extra in other shared costs? Is it his house?

MIL is undermining you, laying claim on 'her' DGD . It's not healthy for DD to be in middle of that. This will get worse as she gets older.

I voted YABU because the whole thing is bonkers.
The refusing to let anyone else hold her is bonkers, but pfb...

But this woman repeatedly trod all over your boundaries, and you respond by letting her look after your daughter, and expecting her to ge different?

Where in all this has she been amenable?
It's like youre setting up situations where she'll go rogue, and you'll get angry.

Honestly OP. Stop. Just, stop. Get another hobby.

LunaMuffinTop

I was going to come on and say I wish posters ^ would stop coming in and posting shite they clearly have no knowledge off, you may just talk to a wall with the nonsense you posted.

Your asthma is not everyones asthmas, sorry to point out the bloody obvious

But I see a few posters have already done so

@Jenasaurus

Who is carol?

I was wondering that too.

I’m laughing at the people saying it’s too controlling that OP didn’t want visitors at the house the moment she got home, 20 hours after giving birth.

I’m sure you’ll all think I’m really nuts:

My cat had kittens and I only let 2 other people see them for at least 8 weeks. Why? Because the mother cat clearly didn’t want other people around them. I also didn’t see any benefit to her or to them in having people ooh and ahh and hold them.

I don't get all this talk about instructions. I've looked after nieces and nephews, and grandnieces and grandnephews, scores of times and have never once been given instructions.
I'm a mature, responsible adult. If you don't think I'm capable of looking after your child then that's fine by me, look after them yourself.

@Disquieted1

I don't get all this talk about instructions. I've looked after nieces and nephews, and grandnieces and grandnephews, scores of times and have never once been given instructions. I'm a mature, responsible adult. If you don't think I'm capable of looking after your child then that's fine by me, look after them yourself.

I’ll bet you’ve never taken someone else’s EBF child against their will, kept them four hours rather than the promised 30 minutes and fed them yoghurt!

Doing that earns one a list of instructions. (Well, it should warrant them never seeing the child alone again.)

I’m going to give a better answer than the one before..

I agree MIL sounds irresponsible, impulsive and shouldn’t be left alone with a baby. The husband sounds like a wimp, if he can’t see why MILs behaviour is alarming they nerd words.

On the other hand the poster is controlling especially over food.

Compromises have to be made, let MIL be a bit of a feeder, make sure visits are supervised and find proper childcare.

She has proper childcare. The nursery she pays £1500/month for. (She ,not her DP). It needed booking in and DGM wanted to see DD. Why can't PPs RTFT?

This was a one off trial visit of 3 hours to MIL who again showed she can't be trusted. Baby was an hour late home despite needing tea at home that was ready for her.

She added cordial to her sippy cup that OP had put water in, despite being told water only. My dentist advised against that. It sets up OP for a battle with DD later if she repeatedly does this. She ignored snacks OP had packed and asked to be used. And gave her chocolate despite being asked not to. Ugh to all the other behaviour. The 4 hours stealing of ebf baby who was due a feed and turning mobile off was outrageous and unforgivable. She's lucky OP didn't take her down.

MIL shouldn't have DD unsupervised. If she fails to listen to parent in this, what else will she decide she can ignore and do what she wants on? I bet she tells DGD undermining comments about Mummy. You can't trust her to do the right thing. DD is your child and your parenting rules, MIL had her time to do it her way with her DC. My parents parent differently but they never cross a boundary I ask. If healthy food and drink is OP's, that's her right as her primary care giver. Other PPs can do what they want with their DC & MIL but don't impose your parenting style on OP.