MIL ignores my instructions... again

[84teacher]

My daughter is 17 months old and ever since she was born there has been friction between my boyfriend's mother and I; its as if she has no regard for any routines or instructions I give, and does as she pleases. I could handle this if my boyfriend backed me up but he never does, he thinks I am unreasonable... am I?

Many things have happened and each time I have raised the issue with my boyfriend, but it develops into an argument as he sees it all as harsh criticism of his mother, but I will summarise a few:

MIL turned up at our house with her daughter, son-in-law and elderly neighbour within an hour of us getting home from the hospital. I had been discharged 20 hours after giving birth. My boyfriend had decided that no family were allowed to visit for the first few days - I think he actually meant just MY family. I was not told they were coming, but my boyfriend had been on the phone to them while I was having a nap on the sofa and told them they could visit. I held my baby close and refused to let MIL hold her when she asked; I told her that I needed time to bond with my baby and wouldn't be letting anybody but her father hold her for the first week or so.

For the first month of our baby's life MIL kept visiting unannounced; she had been given a key for our apartment 2 weeks before I went into labour so that she could come and feed our Cats if needed. MIL refused to give the key up until I physically took it from her on the final unannounced visit. During her visits MIL would try and take baby from my breast as she was feeding, she also snook in to the bedroom while I was asleep and took baby from the bassinet to have a cuddle in the living room.

Biggie!!! When baby was 4 months old MIL and SIL came to visit when I had taken her out for a walk; when I returned MIL had come out of the apartment, down 5 flights of stairs and was running towards me screeching and waving her arms. She asked if she could take baby for a walk in the pram on her own. I obliged but informed her that baby would be due a feed soon, so she must be back in 30 minutes. When MIL wasn't back in time I tried to call her phone but it was switched off. SIL and BF were telling me not to panic, and give her more time. After an hour I got my trainers on and sprinted (very difficult with full breasts) around the block to try and find her, she was nowhere to be seen. I returned and sent BF and SIL out in their cars to find her. BF returned with her 4 HOURS AFTER SHE HAD LEFT; it turned out she had been to meet "friends" (my boyfriend's ex-gf and her sister) for coffee in the local park; MIL had also given baby a yoghurt (not even a baby yoghurt, she was solely breastfed and I hadn't started weaning her at that point).

After the incident above I refused to let MIL have any alone time with baby at all until she was 11 months old. MIL had offered to look after her when I returned to work full-time and BF was refusing to use any paid childcare. I let her look after baby for a few hours each afternoon while I caught up with housework. I knew she was struggling, she has no empathy and no patience with children. A few weeks before I was due back at work she turned on the water-works and told BF that she couldn't cope with looking after baby, but then blamed it on me - she said that I had denied her the chance to bond and get to know her granddaughter.

The covid-19 lockdown... MIL turns up unannounced a few times each week and expects to come into the house to see baby; I put my foot down straight away and agree to letting her see her in the garden (even though this is still technically against the law in the UK at that point). She cannot even remember to keep her distance and has to be told numerous times to back off; so I had to be the bad-guy again and insist that she only sees her through the window. We get the water-works again, BF and I don't speak for days because of the argument we had.

The latest... I am falling behind on work at home and we can now form bubbles in the UK, so we agreed that MIL can look after our daughter 2 afternoons each week. As my daughter is now 17 months old she is much more independent, and is able to tell you what she wants (and does not want). This afternoon I dropped her off with a bag of toys, a healthy snack, water cup etc. I gave MIL instructions that she should have her snack at around 3pm, to keep offering her water throughout the afternoon, ensure she is not in the sun for too long - all common-sense stuff really. More background: SIL is VERY obese (has diabetes and asthma because of her weight), MIL is a feeder; for the duration of our relationship I have been amazed at how my MIL instantly offers my BF (38 yo) biscuits, sweets and chocolates as soon as she sees him, and like a little child he never says no and doesn't actually know when to stop eating them. So... I also very clearly told her: NO CHOCOLATE OR BISCUITS! Baby has snacks in the bag, please only offer her them. BF collects baby on his way home from work and returns an hour later than usual; another really annoying trait MIL has is fault-picking, first it was the dreaded wind, then she thought baby had ADHD (I'm a teacher... don't even try this one on me when you have no educational experience Carol!), she is the sort of person who has to play doctor and find something wrong with baby - and it usually stems from something she thinks I am doing wrong. So when BF returns baby is overtired and hungry... - of course she is! If you had come straight home she could've had the dinner that has been ready for over 30 minutes!!! Baby's bib and T-Shirt are covered in CHOCOLATE, her snacks are still in the bag untouched and her sippy-cup smells of cordial. I try to be calm and tell BF that I left his mother with instructions and repeat them to him. He just walks away, mutters something under his breath and then ignores me until baby has gone to bed.

We just had yet another argument. Yes, I understand that a little chocolate once in a while, and a little cordial is probably harmless; but my point is that once again, she has completely disregarded my instructions and done her own thing. I raised the issue of his sister, and the fact that when living with his mother he too was obese. This didn't go down very well but I had to bring it up in my defence. I do not want my child growing up addicted to cake, biscuits and chocolate in the very unhealthy way that her aunty is, and her father was... all because MIL cannot follow simple instructions.

I just feel like I cannot trust this woman at all, and am so angry with my BF that I feel like leaving him. There are other mummy's-boy issues underpinning this that have affected our relationship.

So... thank you for reading. Am I being unreasonable here?

@Bananacloud

And find a new boyfriend 🙄

Yeah, as if that'll solve it

The only reason I voted YABU is because you’ve gone back to using her for childcare when you know what she’s like. Why would you suddenly expect her to “follow your instructions”?

Your baby is half her father's; is he paying for childcare or is it all paid for by you?

If that is the case, then change it. He should be paying half and that might give you leeway to paying for childcare every day, rather than using MIL.

Mine was also a bit like this. I realised very early on that there was no poinnt in providing snacks, or saying "no cordial" or anything like that; even the rule had been imposed by dh, she'd ignore. I stopped saying anything when I realised that she would ALWAYS do the opposite.

My solution was moving 150 miles away, otherwise there was nothing I could do.

yes I was probably a bit of a helicopter parent but I am also a career-woman

If you want to be both of these things AND use your MIL as childcare you are being wholly unreasonable.

If you want your child looked after to your expectations while you work, you need to find a carer who will follow your instructions. Clearly, this isn’t your MIL.

YABU because it was obvious that she'd ignore your instructions.

The incident where she didn't return the baby for 4 hours could have been very dangerous so is a lot more serious than today's incident. Your bf is a bigger problem than your MIL as everybody has probably told you.

She skins like a nightmare but so do you TBH

@ARoseInHarlem

yes I was probably a bit of a helicopter parent but I am also a career-woman

If you want to be both of these things AND use your MIL as childcare you are being wholly unreasonable.

If you want your child looked after to your expectations while you work, you need to find a carer who will follow your instructions. Clearly, this isn’t your MIL.

Please read the entire post. My daughter usually goes to nursery full-time while I am at work. I am currently working from home. MIL had her for 3 hours today so I could catch up on work as I have to give the nursery a weeks notice, and also due to social distancing they don't have enough places available anyway.

@Jux

Your baby is half her father's; is he paying for childcare or is it all paid for by you?

If that is the case, then change it. He should be paying half and that might give you leeway to paying for childcare every day, rather than using MIL.

Mine was also a bit like this. I realised very early on that there was no poinnt in providing snacks, or saying "no cordial" or anything like that; even the rule had been imposed by dh, she'd ignore. I stopped saying anything when I realised that she would ALWAYS do the opposite.

My solution was moving 150 miles away, otherwise there was nothing I could do.

Childcare is paid in full by my each month, all £1500 of it 😳

You cannot trust her alone with your child. No more chances.

She is not suitable childcare.

This sounds so difficult I’m not sure how you keep your cool. I wouldn’t have her mind my children she’s shown absolutely no regard for you. Instead I’d allow her see my child but only when I was there until she understands your routine.

Why? Why doesn't your partner pay his share?

@Jux

Why? Why doesn't your partner pay his share?

Because he wanted his mother to look after our daughter.

You are being incredibly unreasonable for leaving your child in the care of this woman. Reading through your post it’s unbelievable that you could even possibly think her looking after you child is a good idea even if just for a few hours.

you both sound like a nightmare Find childcare

Omg both of you need to get a grip.
You sound like a precious first time mother and she is a nightmare.

Bin off MIL for childcare, try to get your baby back into nursery. You definitely have a DP problem too, he’s a wet blanket. You really need some firm boundaries.

I think PPs saying you’re impossible or hard work are BVU, you sound perfectly nice and reasonable to me.

Yanbu. And 17 months is a bit young for any juice and chocolate really.
You need to ditch her co.pletely. Don't allow yourself to be guilt tripped, she has brought this completely on herself. Your boyfriend sounds fucking useless in standing up for what should be both your boundaries.
You need to get this sorted or you'll be putting up with this for years to come.

I admire you for standing up to her, to a point, but OP, your attitude stinks.

I have never given my MIL an "instruction" in my life. You use the word numerous times in your post. She is family, not hired help. If you don't like her methods, it's very simple. Don't use her. Put your hand in your pocket and pay someone instead.

Some of the things you mention are unforgivable on her part, ie disappearing with your child for 4 hours and not answering her phone - there really is no excuse. So why have you excused it? Could it be the lure of free childcare?

You can't have it both ways.

YABU to call the father of your child “my boyfriend”. Twee.

@LunaMuffinTop

I'm not, it's been medically proven to be because of her obesity

@84teacher I’m not sure what cereal box PHD you have but there are people like me who where born with Asthma it has nothing to do with weight you do know asthma affects yours lungs and your breathing last time I checked your lungs have nothing to do with your stomach. There is only evidence that obesity changes how people response to chronicle and acute asthma treatments and obese people need more intensive treatments if they get hospitalised but in no way does a person size have anything to do with Asthma. Please get your facts right before you start chatting shite.

Just a bit of a derail here - @LunaMuffinTop if your expertise is limited to having a diagnosis of asthma then I would also suggest that you're "chatting shite".

There's lots of evidence linking Obesity and airway hyper-responsiveness syndromes often given a simplistic diagnostic label of 'asthma' - same end-point physiological background processes seen in 'pure' IgE mediated (or atopic) type asthma of inflammation and airway smooth muscle hyperactivity, but in obesity postulated to be due to :

1. impairment of lung development due to obesity limiting lung volumes at young ages
2. chronic inflammation with cytokine, chemokine and acute phase protein release directly mediated by fat cells
3. upregulation of genetic phenotypes/hormone release associated with obesity/obesogenic propensity and lifestyle (leptin, adiponectin)

Basically - treatment is largely the same, but being obese will make your asthma worse, no matter if you have true 'allergic-type' asthma, or if you have an obesity triggered form. Both are improved by weight loss.

I've linked a few of the most general review articles on this topic below, in case you're interested in the evidence.

Bates J. H. (2016). Physiological Mechanisms of Airway Hyperresponsiveness in Obese Asthma. American journal of respiratory cell and molecular biology, 54(5), 618–623. doi.org/10.1165/rcmb.2016-0019PS

Shore, S. A., & Fredberg, J. J. (2005). Obesity, smooth muscle, and airway hyperresponsiveness. The Journal of allergy and clinical immunology, 115(5), 925–927. doi.org/10.1016/j.jaci.2005.01.064

Tashiro, H., & Shore, S. A. (2019). Obesity and severe asthma. Allergology international : official journal of the Japanese Society of Allergology, 68(2), 135–142. doi.org/10.1016/j.alit.2018.10.004

DOI: no 'cereal box' or otherwise obtained PhD - just a bog standard MBChB/BMSc and lots of experience in managing these patients clinically, necessitating what I'll freely admit is a superficial understanding of the immunological and genetic contributing factors.

It’s not the fact that it’s just abit of chocolate or juice, my daughter is not allowed juice ever!

If people just give it to her then she will expect it, then when I’m the one who says no I’m the bad guy!

It’s the complete disregard of what you say and she knows better and just completely sweeps what you say under the carpet. It’s disrespectful to you as your child smother. Sorry but after disappearing for hours the first time. She would of never had my baby alone again.

I’d quit all the childcare, and have a really serious talk with your boyfriend. I’m not a cryer, but I sobbed my heart out to my boyfriend. And told him how I felt, and he finally got it. And now he sticks up for me and agrees with me and tells his mother (well it’s his stepmother but she raised him since he was two). But still you need to be strong and firm and don’t let people just fog you off and be like oh it’s just abit of choc not going to hurt her. It the DISRESPECT!

If anyone took my baby off without my express permission or even saying where she was or being contactable, they would never ever EVER get to look after my child again. So it’s hard to understand why you’ve given her more opportunities to behave badly. Your BF sounds horrible too.

How has everyone skipped over the part where the boyfriend said no family for a week and then invited his mother and sister over I wouldn't have let her hold the baby either especially since he essentially banned the ops family 😯 you are definitely not being unreasonable xx

Your mother in law sounds like a nightmare. You sound very controlling, can't hold her first grandchild for a week... My god woman unclench