MIL ignores my instructions... again

[84teacher]

My daughter is 17 months old and ever since she was born there has been friction between my boyfriend's mother and I; its as if she has no regard for any routines or instructions I give, and does as she pleases. I could handle this if my boyfriend backed me up but he never does, he thinks I am unreasonable... am I?

Many things have happened and each time I have raised the issue with my boyfriend, but it develops into an argument as he sees it all as harsh criticism of his mother, but I will summarise a few:

MIL turned up at our house with her daughter, son-in-law and elderly neighbour within an hour of us getting home from the hospital. I had been discharged 20 hours after giving birth. My boyfriend had decided that no family were allowed to visit for the first few days - I think he actually meant just MY family. I was not told they were coming, but my boyfriend had been on the phone to them while I was having a nap on the sofa and told them they could visit. I held my baby close and refused to let MIL hold her when she asked; I told her that I needed time to bond with my baby and wouldn't be letting anybody but her father hold her for the first week or so.

For the first month of our baby's life MIL kept visiting unannounced; she had been given a key for our apartment 2 weeks before I went into labour so that she could come and feed our Cats if needed. MIL refused to give the key up until I physically took it from her on the final unannounced visit. During her visits MIL would try and take baby from my breast as she was feeding, she also snook in to the bedroom while I was asleep and took baby from the bassinet to have a cuddle in the living room.

Biggie!!! When baby was 4 months old MIL and SIL came to visit when I had taken her out for a walk; when I returned MIL had come out of the apartment, down 5 flights of stairs and was running towards me screeching and waving her arms. She asked if she could take baby for a walk in the pram on her own. I obliged but informed her that baby would be due a feed soon, so she must be back in 30 minutes. When MIL wasn't back in time I tried to call her phone but it was switched off. SIL and BF were telling me not to panic, and give her more time. After an hour I got my trainers on and sprinted (very difficult with full breasts) around the block to try and find her, she was nowhere to be seen. I returned and sent BF and SIL out in their cars to find her. BF returned with her 4 HOURS AFTER SHE HAD LEFT; it turned out she had been to meet "friends" (my boyfriend's ex-gf and her sister) for coffee in the local park; MIL had also given baby a yoghurt (not even a baby yoghurt, she was solely breastfed and I hadn't started weaning her at that point).

After the incident above I refused to let MIL have any alone time with baby at all until she was 11 months old. MIL had offered to look after her when I returned to work full-time and BF was refusing to use any paid childcare. I let her look after baby for a few hours each afternoon while I caught up with housework. I knew she was struggling, she has no empathy and no patience with children. A few weeks before I was due back at work she turned on the water-works and told BF that she couldn't cope with looking after baby, but then blamed it on me - she said that I had denied her the chance to bond and get to know her granddaughter.

The covid-19 lockdown... MIL turns up unannounced a few times each week and expects to come into the house to see baby; I put my foot down straight away and agree to letting her see her in the garden (even though this is still technically against the law in the UK at that point). She cannot even remember to keep her distance and has to be told numerous times to back off; so I had to be the bad-guy again and insist that she only sees her through the window. We get the water-works again, BF and I don't speak for days because of the argument we had.

The latest... I am falling behind on work at home and we can now form bubbles in the UK, so we agreed that MIL can look after our daughter 2 afternoons each week. As my daughter is now 17 months old she is much more independent, and is able to tell you what she wants (and does not want). This afternoon I dropped her off with a bag of toys, a healthy snack, water cup etc. I gave MIL instructions that she should have her snack at around 3pm, to keep offering her water throughout the afternoon, ensure she is not in the sun for too long - all common-sense stuff really. More background: SIL is VERY obese (has diabetes and asthma because of her weight), MIL is a feeder; for the duration of our relationship I have been amazed at how my MIL instantly offers my BF (38 yo) biscuits, sweets and chocolates as soon as she sees him, and like a little child he never says no and doesn't actually know when to stop eating them. So... I also very clearly told her: NO CHOCOLATE OR BISCUITS! Baby has snacks in the bag, please only offer her them. BF collects baby on his way home from work and returns an hour later than usual; another really annoying trait MIL has is fault-picking, first it was the dreaded wind, then she thought baby had ADHD (I'm a teacher... don't even try this one on me when you have no educational experience Carol!), she is the sort of person who has to play doctor and find something wrong with baby - and it usually stems from something she thinks I am doing wrong. So when BF returns baby is overtired and hungry... - of course she is! If you had come straight home she could've had the dinner that has been ready for over 30 minutes!!! Baby's bib and T-Shirt are covered in CHOCOLATE, her snacks are still in the bag untouched and her sippy-cup smells of cordial. I try to be calm and tell BF that I left his mother with instructions and repeat them to him. He just walks away, mutters something under his breath and then ignores me until baby has gone to bed.

We just had yet another argument. Yes, I understand that a little chocolate once in a while, and a little cordial is probably harmless; but my point is that once again, she has completely disregarded my instructions and done her own thing. I raised the issue of his sister, and the fact that when living with his mother he too was obese. This didn't go down very well but I had to bring it up in my defence. I do not want my child growing up addicted to cake, biscuits and chocolate in the very unhealthy way that her aunty is, and her father was... all because MIL cannot follow simple instructions.

I just feel like I cannot trust this woman at all, and am so angry with my BF that I feel like leaving him. There are other mummy's-boy issues underpinning this that have affected our relationship.

So... thank you for reading. Am I being unreasonable here?

YADNBU

You both sound in the wrong at different times to be honest. you not wanting anyone other than you and OH to hold baby for first week or so sounds a bit precious, MIL disappearing with baby for 5 hours was bang out of order. You and OH need to be on same page, the obvious option is paying for child care, but let your MIL be a doting granny set realistic boundaries and accept you can't control everything.

When she kidnapped your baby for 4 hours is the point at which I would have gone NC with the MIL and very likely the BF too!! They sound like a bunch of crazy fuckers

you both sound bloody awful

The problem is your boyfriend. He keeps undermining your parenting decisions. How is your relationship with him? Seems like he has one foot out the door.

@LunaMuffinTop

I'm not, it's been medically proven to be because of her obesity

@84teacher I’m not sure what cereal box PHD you have but there are people like me who where born with Asthma it has nothing to do with weight you do know asthma affects yours lungs and your breathing last time I checked your lungs have nothing to do with your stomach. There is only evidence that obesity changes how people response to chronicle and acute asthma treatments and obese people need more intensive treatments if they get hospitalised but in no way does a person size have anything to do with Asthma. Please get your facts right before you start chatting shite.

@LunaMuffinTop (also @Alexandernevermind ) You're the one who needs to get their facts right about asthma, not the OP. I am a medical student (about to go into final year) and asthmatic, so I know what I'm talking about.

Being overweight is a risk factor for developing asthma. So some people who are obese will develop asthma as a result of their obesity (I personally know someone who has had this happen), or they may develop asthma due to their obesity and other risk factors. Those who are obese and have asthma, typically experience worse symptoms and is usually more difficult to control.

That being said, a lot of asthmatics are not obese. The exact cause of asthma is mostly unknown as it's complicated and different people are triggered by different things. But obesity is definitely one of the risk factors (as well as genetics and smoking). I could go into a lot more detail here but it's unnecessary, although if you would like to educate yourself here's a paper you might find helpful: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5973542/

All the OP said was that her MIL has 'asthma because of her weight'. Not that asthma is caused by being overweight. But as I have explained, there is nothing wrong with the OP saying this because asthma can be caused by being overweight.

I had similar issues with my MiL, including her taking my baby DD out and not returning when she should - I was frantic. Because of that and the other incidents of her ignoring all my wishes (deliberately), MiL has never been on her own with either of my children since. DD is 13. She sees them but never trusted her again. I tried but she kept doing things and it was like a power struggle for her.
DH backed me totally. If he didn't I don't think we'd still be together now.

Sorry for derailing your thread a little OP. Slightly fed up of people giving their 'medical' knowledge to have a go at the OP, when they actually don't know what they're talking about and clearly are not medical.

I'm sorry you are in such a difficult position with your MIL. Your BF is an idiot and is supposed to be on your side. Everything your MIL has done is out of order and cannot be trusted at all, although you know that already. I definitely suggest limiting contact as much as possible. But as many others have said you have a BF issue.

Perhaps you could sit down with him and explain how he and your MIL are being unreasonable. You are the parents, not MIL, so she does not get a say in how your DD should be brought up. (Maybe show him this thread if he still thinks he and MIL have done nothing wrong?). Your MIL ultimately needs to be told that she needs to stick to your rules otherwise no contact with DD.

so you alone are paying for nursery and you alone are having to deal with childcare- around your work.
Instead of working with you and doing the childcare himself, his only contribution is to outsource it to his unrelenting mother.
He doesn't care about the wellbeing of his child and he has no respect for you.

you may as well tell him to go back to his mum so she can baby him and set up on your own as a single parent - you pretty much are anyway.

YANBU but I think your only option would be to finish with your boyfriend (and it's maybe telling that you refer to him as a boyfriend, not a partner- though I know not everyone uses that.)

You all sound unhinged but in fairness, your MIL sounds marginally more unhinged than you and your boyfriend sounds pathetic, which is worse than unhinged.
Not wanting anyone to hold your baby for a full week is literally insane so no wonder she takes your more moderate “instructions” with a huge pinch of salt. You both think each other are crackers and you are BOTH RIGHT. Your boyfriend likely thinks you are both crackers too but wants an easy life where he can have a baby and not look after it or pay for anyone to look after it either.
I don’t think you can say nobody else can hold your baby as you need to bond and expect it not to be chucked right back at you when you want free childcare from the person who wasn’t allowed to bond. You can’t possibly think that grandmas don’t routinely hold babies.

Who is carol?

The refusing to let the baby's grandma hold them for a moment was a bit weird tbf but everything you say about MIL is beyond annoying.

And your boyfriend is controlling and unsupportive.

Oh my god he is AWFUL!!!! LTB!!!!!!

I think you're a new mum who has a right to try to work out how to best care for their child - if you needed the first week to hold your child, so be it. My brother and his wife did this for the first month. It's what worked for them. Everyone else really doesn't have a say. You do what you need to do and parent the way you know best.

Your MIL sounds like she doesn't respect you and believes she knows better. I can't see why else she would completely ignore perfectly reasonable requests. Food IS a big deal for a mother. You have every right to ensure that your child eats a healthy diet. Of course a treat occasionally won't harm the child, but that's not the issue here. The issue is the MIL completely disrespecting your autonomy as the mother. Otherwise, she would have built up trust, fed the tike what you requested, and then after a few visits ask "would you mind if I gave baby a little bit of chocolate after they've finished their lunch? a grandmother likes to spoil her grandchild a bit" and you having learnt to trust her would have said "of course, as long as its only a little bit"

The issue here is respect, and the lack thereof.

YANBU. I have seen a few of these threads and always put the 'offenders' point of view in and on one even thought that some of the mums were almost a bit power crazed.

But no way are you bu. Not in a million years. She's utterly hideous and your bf needs to pull his head out of his arse before he finds himself visiting EOW.

She’s not a new mum. The child is 17 months. By this point, most people have figured out what sort of father their partner is, and what sort of childcare they desire.
As a mother of a 17mo whose father was declining to contribute to childcare, and whose free toddler-minding wasn’t to my preferences, I would be kicking the father into touch and getting new childcare.
17mos is long enough to know if the whole parenting thing was working out, or if some role changes might be required.
Of course, you’re fucked anyway, because once you separate from the man-child, the custody agreement will dictate that daddy and MIL get EOW anyway. So you will need to accept that you cannot dictate what parenting happens when the dc is under the other parent’s roof.
Still likely to be your best option in the longer term. As joint parents, you are not compatible. Separately, you will both have to respect that you make different choices.
The juice and chocolate will be EOW, and MIL will get plenty of child time (as clearly the father will abdicate responsibility).
You can use water and worthy snacks the rest of the time.
Both parents get to exercise their parenting choices.

Tbh I’m amazed you let this woman care for your child again after that stunt she pulled when she was out with her alone for 4 hours. Pay for childcare.

I had the same problems with my ex mil & sil, every time they walked in they tried to snatch ds from my arms. I had horrific pnd & had problems bonding with ds, one day I had nipped upstairs to get changed, left ds with my husband, by the time I got back downstairs, sil had been & "taken ds for a 5 minute walk" 5 hours later she brought him back, wet through & screaming as he had missed 2 feeds. Mil constantly tried to override how I looked after him, criticising everything I did, no wonder I ended up suicidal within 6 months of giving birth. It played a big part on why our marriage fell apart, now ds is 16, sees very little if any time with his dad & refuses to visit his grandparents on his dad's side. If your partner won't have the balls to back you up, you are fighting a losing battle & would be better off without him.

You would not let her hold her grandchild, but still as it suits she can do childcare. Her daughter is obese and your DH was obese because MIL is a feeder. You sound unhinged.

The OP's partner banned all family visitors-isolating a frist time mum- then brought proceeded to invite round his overbearing/ controlling family.
And some people think the OP is unreasonable

OP I have been here with the overbearing mil - who was positivly vile if we ever said no, so dp never did.
He came home from work one day to find all his stuff on the doorstep- he was living in my home i paid for so i had that luxury which you might not have if yoy legally share the house-
The shock is what he needed to see which familys mental health and time was more precious.
He is now back and we bearly see her as if she "can see her grandchildren on her terms then she wont see them."
Fine bye us.
This was my second so its easier to be firm second time round.
Our 3rd she could not care less.

Your dp would rather hurt, disrespect and ignore all your feelings in favpur of his mum. He will never change untill he has that moment of clarity that you and you dc are his priority always.
It can happen but its a bloody long slog to get there though.

Yeah I agree with previous posters. She is totally unreasonable but so are you really. You know what she is like but you use her for free childcare. She shouldn't behave like that, but you know she does, so pay someone else to look after her.

You've got 2 issues;

A MIL problem and a BF problem.You need to sort the BF problem first as you both need to be on the same page and provide a united front to tackle your MIL problem.

It sounds as though your MIL has no respect for you and deliberately goes out of her way to undermine you.Tbh it sounds as though she's decided she doesn't like you and wants you gone.

The stealing your baby to meet your boyfriends ex is a major red flag;it's so utterly bizarre and guaranteed to cause an argument between a couple maybe even a relationship ending one.Then everytime she does something else she knows will undermine you it causes yet another argument.It sounds as though she's playing you off against each other.

Many people have said you should ditch your BF.I think they'd suit your MIL just fine as she'd get unbidden access to your little girl when her dad has her.

Why is your BF so scared of standing up to his mother?

What she did, taking your child for 4 hours, is fucking awful! I'm not surprised you didn't trust her with your child again. However you did allow her to look after DC at 11 months so you must have forgiven the previous incident and been happy to give her another chance? I'm a big believer that if you do that then you can't hold previous issues against someone as you should have chosen to forgive them. After the second incident at 11 months, why did you then agree for another chance at 17 months?
3 separate incidents happening months apart....were you hoping something might have changed?

All I could advise would be to not let her have time alone with your child again. If your BF refuses to go along with you then there isn't much you can do as he (presumably?) has equal say in parenting your child.

If you speak to the MIL about the incidents, what does she say/do?

I would have lost my shit if she had left for 4 hrs that first time.
She is a maniac and your bf is of no use either when it comes to picking sides, he picks her wide every single time.
Can't you get childcare sorted. Maybe your parents or something (sorry I am not in the UK so don't know what the rules are)