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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that actually, there probably is a paedophile on every corner?

367 replies

MrsToadofToadHall · 17/06/2020 12:59

When I first became a parent, back in the 2000s, I tended to think that some other parents were quite irrational about their fears regarding paedophiles. There seemed to be quite a lot of hysteria about child abductions whipped up in the tabloids, quite a few of the mums I knew looked very suspiciously on men who worked or volunteered with children, and I tended to think that although paedophiles unfortunately existed, they were in the minority and we shouldn't raise our children to be suspicious of every man just because he was a man, nor should we limit their independence due to fear of something that was very unlikely to happen. I suppose I was a bit "cool mum" and proud of my ability to rationalise and see through hysteria

In recent years, I've come to think that I was wrong. So many famous and prominent people have been exposed as having abused children and teenagers. Although I have always supported a certain level of sex ed in schools, elements of this have gone beyond a level I'm comfortable with. It seems to me to be more acceptable to expose children to sexual/adult issues at an earlier age. As well as this, recent revelations in my own fairly small community have caused me to reconsider - a teenager who abused younger relatives, it was brought to the attention of police and SS but in the end, all that could be done was refer him for optional counselling. Three or four men have been found out as they attempted to groom very young girls, some primary aged, via social media. Friends have also confided in me regarding their own childhood abuse. I know most of these men, and while I realise that abusers don't come with a big sticker on their forehead, most of them really were spectacularly ordinary and had wives and children

Obviously I still realise that the vast majority of men are fine, but my point is, I thought paedophiles were a few lone individuals, and now it seems there are far more of them about than I ever would have realised.

Does that make sense? Confused

OP posts:
User1775836552 · 17/06/2020 22:35

So would that mean that 1 in 29 men were child abusers too? Sorry my maths is awful and it’s late at night.

Butterer · 17/06/2020 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roziro · 17/06/2020 22:42

Finkelhor- widely reputed and researched - gives stats of 20% . Worth looking up. For some reason I'm not surprised NSPCC might lower it 🤔 But anyway, we are splitting hairs. Any % is too much but many people prefer to live in denial. Crack on with that one.

roziro · 17/06/2020 22:44

@user I'm sure how many abusers it amounts to either, but as pp said, one can abuse many.

Monkeynuts18 · 17/06/2020 22:49

the MM coverage it really struck me how many sex offenders (known) were in that area at that time.

@TheQueef

Yes this is something that really amazed me too. I honestly thought that if they found a convicted child sex offender who had been in the area at the time, they’d probably have found the culprit - just on the basis of probability, because surely child sex offenders are fairly rare? But no, far from it - there were literally hundreds in the area!

On another topic I’m very confused by all the NAMALTs on this thread. Surely it’s indisputable fact that a large majority of child sex offenders are male?

roziro · 17/06/2020 22:50

I do think it's good to teach children to say no to adults, but ultimately it places the responsibility - and potentially blame- onto them rather than the abuser. It may stop them disclosing for fear of this. A child cannot stop an adult, or older child, abusing them. Society needs to stop sexualising children, the justice system needs to stop victim blaming and actually convict people, families need to stop colluding, minimising and perpetuating inter generational abuse.

Dylaninthemovies1 · 17/06/2020 23:01

Honestly, I’m so surprised and shocked at this thread. I have seen stuff in the news about peodofiles and have known of a few men locally who were, but I didn’t know it was so widespread

Airplanes · 17/06/2020 23:02

I work in a building with hundreds of men. When I first started I said to my partner that I keep in mind that amongst that number are rapists, pedophiles, domestic abusers. He thought it was a really pessimistic way to view the world. I thought it was pragmatic

Lifeisconfusing · 17/06/2020 23:10

It absolutely breaks my heart to hear of a child loosing innocence and childhood because of a sick, twisted sexual desire to be sexual with a child. I Watched a documentary on you tube Scotland Yard paedophile unit it was shocking it showed you very children being abused it was fuzzed out but still... this poor child was about 6/7 years and he was abused by the man and you could hear the boy saying (your face your face!!!) apparently the abuser told the boy to tell him if his face was on the camera, the abuser then carried the boy out the room as the child couldn’t walk.😰

I met a guy on holiday who was retired, he used to have to watch all the sick material of children and babies being abused all day and categorise them, he said a lot of abuse was in hotels with plain walls so they couldn’t be identified.

I was thinking as well I bet there are many sickos who watch this material as a job and actually get a kick out of it. 😡

Don’t know if anyone Seen it but few years ago there was a video doing the rounds on fb of a 4/5 year old boy having sex with a woman and another woman was laughing and filming it I am so appalled that it ended up on fb as I will never get that out my head even tho I only caught a glimpse and reported right away.

Lifeisconfusing · 17/06/2020 23:12

Everytime a video is watched and shared that child is being abused all over again.

DifferentRoad · 17/06/2020 23:20

I was sexually abused aged 9
More than once
By a neighbour.
No-one knew, I didn't tell anyone.

My family still dont know, i will never tell them.

Name changed for this. Been here a long time. Mumsnet can vouch for me if this comment is reported.

I havent got children but if i did, would never let them out alone
To give them independence, if thats what they wanted / needed i would stay right away from them, but i would always make sure i could see them....

You just never know

justilou1 · 17/06/2020 23:24

I like to hope that extended periods of covered-up child sexual abuse are less common now because women are less likely to “put up and shut up” now than they used to. Maybe I am naive.

DishingOutDone · 17/06/2020 23:24

Years ago my childminder (female) was investigated, I am sure you can imagine how I felt. During the investigation police told me that they knew the man living directly opposite her was a convicted paedophile but not to worry as he only liked boys and I didn't have DSs. This was in the next street to my house, so there were two on that particular corner.

This was before the publicity around the female nursery worker who was convicted, and there was very much the view then that women aren't involved. Sad Also think people have next to no understanding of child on child abuse particularly amongst young teenagers and younger children.

Fruitbatdancer · 17/06/2020 23:24

Yanbu. Live in small sleepy Rural village. Had neighbours round for garden drink last night discover bloke in village recently released after 15 years having spent decades molesting most of boys in village who are all now in 40’s. Was stunned. Would consider moving but know it’s irrational (bloke not allowed to walk in village and is now late 80’s And frail so no really threat)

Lifeisconfusing · 17/06/2020 23:33

@Fruitbatdancer the thing is if you move there will Always be another that you don’t know about. Apparently your as close to abusers as you are to rats so everywhere then 😦😟

Fruitbatdancer · 17/06/2020 23:37

It’s shocking. I just googled to see if I can find any press on him (unsure of his name) and within 5 miles of me there’s press on 5 abusers getting jail time int he last 8 years. And they’re the ones caught/ prosecuted 😱

B1rdbra1n · 17/06/2020 23:50

I agree that pedophiles may deserve the death penalty
but I don't agree with the death penalty

Lifeisconfusing · 17/06/2020 23:53

uk-database.net/

B1rdbra1n · 17/06/2020 23:56

I'm so sorry for everyone on here who has suffered, and then suffered further by being silenced, disbelieved😔
💐

justilou1 · 18/06/2020 00:59

Have been thinking about this for a little while, about the cycle of abuse, etc... I had Narc. mother. There is no question there. (Psychological, emotional and physical abuse...) I was often farmed our to other family members for extended periods. This stopped when I was 14 after being returned from my cousin’s place. She must have known what had happened there, as I was very badly injured - but it was never discussed. (In all honesty, I am very grateful that I was drugged.) I should have received medical treatment. I wonder what she thought had happened?!?! If she hadn’t been such a monster, and been the sort of person who would have made herself the very public victim of MY rape, would I have asked her for help? Would she have believed me? Would I have been silenced? I know for certain that for me, keeping quiet at the time was what I needed to do to survive, because it would have been all about how it affected HER. However now I am just starting treatment for C-PTSD and I am 48.
I have two DDs and a DS, all teenagers. They all know about sexual abuse, and they know that it starts with secrets. Luckily their Dad and I are good, we all have open dialogue. I have always been panicky re-overnights, but we had that chat about having no secrets from Mum and Dad and telling grownups that if anyone asks - every time!

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 18/06/2020 01:11

Dp and I both have a paedophile in the family.

My siblings and I have been abused by 5 separate paedophiles and DP 'lost his virginity ' Hmm when he was 13 to a woman of 36.

It was only when he became and adult he realised how wrong that was. So yes, they're everywhere.

Babyroobs · 18/06/2020 01:22

A couple I know were both sexually abused as youngsters, her by an elderly man who lived on her road and later ( mid teens) by our church youth leader and him by a 'care worker'. They both ended up drifting together as vulnerable teenagers and had two children very young who ended being abused by someone who was helping the dad out by having the children over for a sleep over. It is shocking that having been abused himself he then allowed his kids to be put in danger. The abuser was jailed. A few years later the dad admitted to having sexual feelings for children. I really don't know if there is a link but my god this whole scenario opened my eyes to how widespread it is.

Lifeisconfusing · 18/06/2020 01:22

@ WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

That’s absolutely shocking I’m so sorry.

I’m 36 son is 13 it’s absolutely disgusting to think people could do that. 😰

Lifeisconfusing · 18/06/2020 01:24

@Babyroobs so sad 😞

PIKNIK20 · 18/06/2020 04:29

Still a paedophile if the girl is 14!!!!!

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