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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be so upset and angry about DSs Dad moving to Australia?

153 replies

FirTree31 · 17/06/2020 11:35

I only posted about another matter (school) yesterday so I am sorry to be asking for advice again.

My ex partner, DS2 (5 years old) Dad, told me last night he is moving to Australia to "make money so that when he dies he has some money to leave him". His brother lives there. DS2 has tics (which GP said yesterday would now be classes as Tourettes as tics persisted over a year) and his own behavioural challenges which can be severe. Apparently tics only happen in our home and I need to get it "sorted". DS loves his Dad and would be so upset, I can't imagine how much worse his behaviour and anxiety might be. Not to mention the backdrop of what is going on right now.

Ex said he is not being selfish, that he needs to make money, he looked down on me for working PT after spending 5 years at uni. Says he doesn't get to go on holiday, says he feels trapped.

I can't properly articulate to him how devastating I belive this would be for our son, partly because I'm finding it very difficult to empathise with him. He has a job, he has friends and family, he has a house(although he rents). AIBU to think this is ridiculous?

OP posts:

Euclid · 17/06/2020 11:38

If he truly loved your son he wouldn't move so far away.

UnfinishedSymphon · 17/06/2020 11:40

Has he got the skills to be allowed to go and work in Australia? He can't just up and move, there is a points system isn't there?

What does he do?

Euclid · 17/06/2020 11:40

I am sure that your son would prefer to have his father in his life while he is growing up than to receive money when his father dies at some point in the distant future.

Isthisfinallyit · 17/06/2020 11:42

You can't make him be a good snd responsible father. If anytging it would be better for your ds to not rely on him if he cops out so easily. Better to learn that young than create a bond and have him heartbroken as a teenager.

Timeforabiscuit · 17/06/2020 11:44

It sounds like your ex is either running away from drudgery that is adulthood, or creating needless drama.

Only you and him know how truly feasible it would be for him to move so far, but your only role is to nail down the practicaloties to minimise the impact on your son.

Try to be as cool and practical as you can, he is free to be as crap a father as he wants to be unfortunately, but there is no need for you to sugar coat or cover for him.

Glitterbaby17 · 17/06/2020 11:46

How often does he currently have DS? What contact arrangements is he proposing?

BlueVinca · 17/06/2020 11:47

I'm surprised 10% have voted yabu. My children's father died and devastating as it was, they at least knew he'd never have chosen to leave them so don't have the sense of rejection they'd have had if he'd moved so far away.

BlueVinca · 17/06/2020 11:48

I am sure that your son would prefer to have his father in his life while he is growing up than to receive money when his father dies at some point in the distant future Yes and it could all go on care fees for all he knows anyway

WhatWouldDominicDo · 17/06/2020 11:50

Will your ex be paying for DS to travel out to Australia to visit him in the school holidays? You don't have to actually send him, but it's worth pretending you would. Although as DS gets older, he may want to go and visit his father.

Original poster

FirTree31 · 17/06/2020 11:52

I think my son would prefer him to be here and see him then have some currently imaginary money at some point when his Dad dies. That's a sugar coated excuse, utter BS for "I want to go to Australia and be free".

It's just so many types of wrong. I don't know what practicalities I could come up with to soften the blow? DS currently see his Dad Thursday to Tuesday every other week. That's a lot to go down to nothing.

I know him, I know this is a fantasy he has dreamed in his head because exactly as PP said, to escape the drudgery of adulthood and parenthood. This is the answer, his shiny new country where he can some who make far more than he could here.

Apparently DS will resent me when ex has nothing and ex will say to DS "Well your mum stopped me".

He is a tree surgeon, rope access, also worked for road management.

OP posts:

Twentynone21 · 17/06/2020 11:53

This happened to me when I was a child. My DF emigrated with his new family when I was 13 and our relationship has never recovered. If your ex really valued his relationship with his DS then he would find another way. What a selfish excuse for a father.

Dairymilkmuncher · 17/06/2020 11:57

Has he said anything about coming home every few months or for you to visit every year or anything like that or is he just wanting to start fresh like this life has never happened?

I can not get my head around these parents that think that would ever be acceptable behaviour.

Original poster

FirTree31 · 17/06/2020 12:02

No, no mention of how it would work, I'm sure he said something about 6 months, maybe coming back to visit in 6 months. Then apparently DS can move out there! He also said he wants to take DS on holiday there at Christmas.

OP posts:

UncleShady · 17/06/2020 12:04

Until he's actually packed and in the taxi, surely the only answer you can give is "that's nice dear." Until he's got his visa and sold up here - it's just a nice daydream for him that has the added bonus of really pissing you off. And if he can drag it out for years, even better. Don't offer him any solutions, you didn't make the problem.

mbosnz · 17/06/2020 12:05

I think a lot of people underestimate how hard it is to emigrate to some countries, Australia being one of them.

How likely is it that he has done the research and got his ducks, so to speak, in a row? Or is it more likely he's somewhat arrogantly assuming he can just up sticks and grace Australia with his August presence?

HollowTalk · 17/06/2020 12:05

That's really shocking. Your poor son. And you'll have no support, either.

Does he intend to pay CM while he's away? And what's all this about him dying? How old is he?

Frazzled2207 · 17/06/2020 12:08

He can certainly go to Australia for a holiday (well actually he can’t even do that right now) but getting a visa to stay indefinitely is very hard. I’d put money on the fact that he hasn’t looked into it properly yet. He sounds horrid, yanbu.

june2007 · 17/06/2020 12:08

So at the moment it,s a pipe dream? I would,t worry at the moment as people said you can,t just move to oz, you can go for short periods to visit but to live you need to have a job or certain qualifications. Don,t mention it to your son.

onalongsabbatical · 17/06/2020 12:08

Disengage. He's a bit of a fantasist. Don't rise to it.

Windyatthebeach · 17/06/2020 12:09

At 21 my dd found her df again. His opening conversation was that he was moving to Australia..
He didn't go but it destroyed any relationship they may have had..
Sadly you can't force ex to be a decent df.
But no way would my dc's passport be ever in his hands..
He can buggar off and come see ds if he chooses but imo your ds stays here ft...

BlueVinca · 17/06/2020 12:10

Is tree surgery a skill that Australia is looking to recruit from abroad?

Original poster

FirTree31 · 17/06/2020 12:13

He's 32..its all very bizarre. It's good to plan, but not like this! This isn't responsible planning, this is some day dream he's determined he's entitled to.

He won't have all his ducks in a row, hell assume to be able to Swan in to the country. He's been on one holiday there. He doesn't even know how to organise DS passport. I'm sleep deprived and stressed over what feels like a teenagers day dream.

He pays CM now, £40 per week 🙄

OP posts:

Original poster

FirTree31 · 17/06/2020 12:16

He's not taking my son to Australia, i agree. He's just saying it. When he said he was talking about this apparent Christmas holiday there I just looked at him and reminded him of you know, that thing that's happening right now.

I'm not going to discuss it with DS at all, although he said to me when I was brushing his teeth this morning that Daddy had told him he's taking him to Australia, but he doesn't want to go.

OP posts:

Dozer · 17/06/2020 12:17

Ex is a shitty, shitty father. Very sorry.

borntohula · 17/06/2020 12:19

Wow he's pathetic. Sorry, not helpful.

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