AIBU to be so upset and angry about DSs Dad moving to Australia?

[FirTree31]

I only posted about another matter (school) yesterday so I am sorry to be asking for advice again.

My ex partner, DS2 (5 years old) Dad, told me last night he is moving to Australia to "make money so that when he dies he has some money to leave him". His brother lives there. DS2 has tics (which GP said yesterday would now be classes as Tourettes as tics persisted over a year) and his own behavioural challenges which can be severe. Apparently tics only happen in our home and I need to get it "sorted". DS loves his Dad and would be so upset, I can't imagine how much worse his behaviour and anxiety might be. Not to mention the backdrop of what is going on right now.

Ex said he is not being selfish, that he needs to make money, he looked down on me for working PT after spending 5 years at uni. Says he doesn't get to go on holiday, says he feels trapped.

I can't properly articulate to him how devastating I belive this would be for our son, partly because I'm finding it very difficult to empathise with him. He has a job, he has friends and family, he has a house(although he rents). AIBU to think this is ridiculous?

I would also ask him to stop talking about it to your ds until the flights are booked, because the constant insecurity of not knowing if his Dad is leaving for good possibly to the other side of the world is not fair to any child. It is actually very cruel. This could anxiety and stress in your son as he lives with the worry of his Dad disappearing, and is grossly unfair, especially if is all just a pipe dream.

As a minimum no one should be talking about leaving until everything is finalised, and I think it is okay to be very assertive about this on your child's behalf.

He probably trying to wind you up - you can't just emigrate to Australia. There's a lot of red tape!! My ex tried this with me years ago because I didn't want him back - I admit I was worried at e time but it was all hot air. He never's been anywhere!

Do you honestly think he has the skills etc to enable him to successfully proceed through the immigration process?

My father moved to South Africa when I was 4. He’s elderly now, and if he dies I want nothing from him, just as I want nothing from him whilst he’s alive. Any parent who ups and leaves their child in pursuit of money, doesn’t deserve a relationship with them. I realise I’m biased, but that’s how I feel, and there’s a good chance your son will end up feeling the same.

I understand your feelings, OP, but don't worry too much about your son. The father of my dgd upped and disappeared out of her life when she was four. She adored him and he seemed to adore her. We just let her talk about him and her memories of him as much as she wanted. But she is by no means an unhappy child.

Your son will follow your example. If this man does go away, take it on the chin and try to make it seem like the most normal thing in the world and your son will be a lot less upset.

But I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this wanker.

The more you reply, the more laughable he actually seems. You're right, he's a fantasist.

Bookoffacts
Most men die in their 90s.
DS will be 60 when he gets this inheritance.

No, they don't.
That is incorrect.
The average life expectancy in the uk for males is 81 years.
And its only an average.

It is laughable, utter madness. I understand wanting to improve your life's prospects, but there are other ways to do this that don't involve abandoning a child to live thousands of miles away. It's laughable that men threaten mothers with "you know I will just leave and its for them and this is what I can do, just leave, you ought to be thankful for my presence"

In all honesty, if he has a settled, secure, completely on it entrepreneur multiple business-owning brother who is keen to reunite the family, I’m sure he can move. It might take a year or two for the brother to find the right visa loophole, but he sounds persistent and successful, and these driven types are more than capable of figuring out a mere immigration hiccup. Left to his own devices, your ex wouldn’t have a chance, obv. But with an employer brother in country, they usually find a way. (Unless ex bottles it, obv.)
You can’t reassure ds that daddy won’t be going. You have to be honest and say don’t know, we have to wait and see’ but be reassuring that you aren’t going, and ds isn’t going, but that if daddy does, maybe ds can go on holiday if he wants to. The end.
Ex is jumping ship, obviously. Is your cm court mandated? Have you looked at the agreements between Aus and UK regarding payment of child maintenance? Is his cm reduced because of the time ds spends with him? It might be worth looking into whether the amount needs to be revised and formalized now. If you can discuss with ex that as he is going, you will be formalizing cm payments don’t they can be mandated from Australia, and subject to an annual revision based on all this money he thinks he’s going to make, that might at least give him a pause to think about what this means in real terms.
He’s a donkey. But his bro isn’t.
Are you still on good terms with ds paternal grandparents?

My exMIL told me I need to give up work and go on benefits so her son can work FT without worrying about having DS as pre Covid-19 ex would have DS after school on a Friday

Exs parents have a traditional(oppressed) relationship

Didn't you say he already has a brother out there ?. Not such a fantasy if he has guidance and somebody to help him when he gets there. Also , if he's fit, thick skinned, and willing to mix-in then he'll find work.

Also , if he's fit, thick skinned, and willing to mix-in then he'll find work

Not without a work visa he won't, and he'll need to prove he has a job before he goes in order to get one. Having family there is no guarantee of automatic entry.

Having family who can provide him with employment will help. And his brother sounds like somebody who knows what he's doing. Anyway, he'll probably find more work out there than he will here for the next 18-24 months so perhaps it's not such a dumb idea.

If he has a brother who is able to give him a job and a place to sleep I suppose he could always leave, but it would remain to be seen if he'd be able to legally stay. At any rate, I'm sure at some point (when the borders open) he will be able to buy at ticket and leave the UK, if only as a 'visitor'.

But don't think it's 'impossible', full stop. I'm in the US and plenty of people 'overstay' their visas by years. It's harder these days to get a job without a work visa due to computer cross matching, but it does still happen. Overstaying is especially easy here for someone like your ex, who has a good 'cash in hand' job skill AND established family in the country.

I agree with others that you can't let him get your goat with his big plans. Don't facilitate in any way, even by listening to him beyond determining if his plans are becoming more concrete. Just say "Yeah sure" or "Whatever" and change the subject.

But what I would do is consult with a solicitor. I understand that there is a minuscule chance that he'd try and take DS with him, but I would get ducks in a row for a residence order, either getting it now or having papers ready if he starts making concrete plans so they can be filed at a moment's notice. Forewarned is forearmed.

As far as your son, I would ask the idiot not to talk to DS about it as it upsets him. But if he won't stop and DS comes to you upset about his dad's 'plans', I'd just say "Oh, Daddy's just day-dreaming" and change the subject. Don't say it will never happen, because God only knows what some people end up doing, but just let him know that you don't really take it seriously. There will be time enough for serious discussion and support for your DS if it looks like he's really going

Does anyone know of a mother anywhere, ever, who would up sticks and emigrate 12,000 miles away from their child?
What IS it with some men?!

Quite. While there'll always be exceptions I only know men who would even contemplate this. I can't even imagine thinking it would be an option to move away from my children? Selfish pricks.

Despite what those airport programmes look like, Australia is a piece of piss to get in to. There's always ways and means. I'm a citizen having lived there for five years and countless others I know were able to get visas so he'd probably be able to work that out. What countless people didn't do is make it rich! Most came out with pipe dreams and went home a few years later not much better off than they arrived. My DH made a success of it financially, but he was definitely in the minority.

Let him off. He's a fucking loser to do this to his child. He'll be back in a few years hopefully contrite that he was willing to traumatise his son.

Colom I've known way over a hundred people who've emigrated to Canada, US and Australia, none of them ever came back.

Perhaps it's my circle then Maggie. Where I'm from people don't generally emigrate for life. It's more "give it a go" for a while/make some money before coming home to "settle".

@HoppingPavlova

chatwoo How can you be so sure?

While you can’t be 100% sure, a big clue would be today’s announcement by the Federal Govnt that the border will remain closed until next year, with the exception of a bubble they are trying to work on to enable travel to/from NZ.

Yes that would be a big giveaway, I agree

@HoppingPavlova - I looked online, and found reference to the tourism minister, saying the border will "likely to stay closed until next year" and "tourism related travel in or out of Australia, remains quite some distance off."

Is that what you meant?

He wouldn’t be entering as a tourist, so that’s not relevant. He would be entering as an immediate family member with a job.

He CANT enter as an immediate family member because he’s not considered an immediate family member. This is only a spouse, dependent child, de facto partner or legal guardian. Not a random brother who is an adult.

As per very recent government advice, borders are shut at least until next year to international visitors. Only exceptions will be those countries like nz who are part of the future mooted travel bubble.

Despite what those airport programmes look like, Australia is a piece of piss to get in to

It really isn't you know. It took DH and I 3 years to get me fully legal here. Three years! And that was with a marriage and two kids behind us when we arrived and he's AUSTRALIAN! And I have no criminal record and have always worked.

His Dad and a lot of his friends and family vouched for me and for our relationship...we'd already been together ten years ffs.

It was hard!

He CANT enter as an immediate family member because he’s not considered an immediate family member.

This.

Oh and it's really not that easy to find work out here either. It's very much a 'who you know' kind of place.

Your ex sounds as if he is monumentally selfish, and this must be so difficult for you.
Your son probably manages his tics when he is with your ex, and then when he is at home, comfortable and with you they come to the fore again. I know someone who has tics, he is able to suppress them for a few hours, at work but then the urge to do them is strong when he is with people who accept him without judging him.
Could this be the case with ds?
Your ex sounds awful especially if he blaming you for the tics.