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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be so upset and angry about DSs Dad moving to Australia?

153 replies

FirTree31 · 17/06/2020 11:35

I only posted about another matter (school) yesterday so I am sorry to be asking for advice again.

My ex partner, DS2 (5 years old) Dad, told me last night he is moving to Australia to "make money so that when he dies he has some money to leave him". His brother lives there. DS2 has tics (which GP said yesterday would now be classes as Tourettes as tics persisted over a year) and his own behavioural challenges which can be severe. Apparently tics only happen in our home and I need to get it "sorted". DS loves his Dad and would be so upset, I can't imagine how much worse his behaviour and anxiety might be. Not to mention the backdrop of what is going on right now.

Ex said he is not being selfish, that he needs to make money, he looked down on me for working PT after spending 5 years at uni. Says he doesn't get to go on holiday, says he feels trapped.

I can't properly articulate to him how devastating I belive this would be for our son, partly because I'm finding it very difficult to empathise with him. He has a job, he has friends and family, he has a house(although he rents). AIBU to think this is ridiculous?

OP posts:
LegallyBlue · 17/06/2020 12:21

It's his life - not yours. You don't get a say in this at all. If you care about your son seeing him then help to facilitate that. Children get 13 weeks off school per year that he could spend in Australia with his father - that's 91 days, he currently spends the same amount of time with him. They can video call every single day if needed. There are plenty of children who go off to boarding schools at 5 and see their parents for only that amount of time - and that's both parents, not just one.
You seem to be focussing entirely on the negatives when there are so many positives. Australia is an amazing country with amazing opportunities for your ex and your son.
You have no power to stop your ex doing this so it doesn't make sense to only focus on the negatives and assume the worst.

mencken · 17/06/2020 12:21

while 'good riddance' seems the first reaction, in practice it is unlikely to happen for someone who can't even organise a passport.

Tamberlane · 17/06/2020 12:21

This won't be happening anytime soon unless he is Australian and able to returned via an expat flight.
They just announced international borders are to remain closed until next year at the earliest.
Its also not that easy to get a Visa to remain unless you have a specific skill set and level of experience they are looking for or a company to sponsor you to stay. The working holiday visa program will only let him work for 6 month intervals and will require months of rural work to extend to a year two visa. Once its up...its up.

I wouldn't worry to much yet or discuss it with your child.

jay55 · 17/06/2020 12:22

If he can't afford holidays here, how is he going to afford a visa, flights, rental deposit etc to get there?

AryaStarkWolf · 17/06/2020 12:23

Drives me crazy how men can just drop responsibility as a parent without a care in the world

just5morepeas · 17/06/2020 12:26

I agree he sounds like a fantasist. It's probably a mix of enjoying the day dream and enjoying getting a reaction out of you.

Don't react.

I really doubt it'll happen and you making a big fuss gives him someone to blame it on when his dream falls apart. If it does happen then he's a monumentally shit dad and there's nothing you can do about that.

Just reasure your son he won't be going anywhere without you and you're not moving to Australia so neither is he.

Viviennemary · 17/06/2020 12:26

Maybe it could work out. In any case people are correct in that this will take time so won't happen overnight. I agree it isn't responsible planning springing it on a five year old who sounds confused as to what this actually means for him. I think you need to put his mind st rest as best you can if he asks questions.

endofthelinefinally · 17/06/2020 12:26

The first thing I would do is to get your DS's passport and keep it carefully in your possession.
That said, it sounds as if your ex is immature and irresponsible and just looking for an escape route.
Australia is great for some but not for everyone and it is extremely difficult to get a long term visa. My guess is that the most he could do for now would be a working holiday visa. He would have no choice about the work and the pay often amounts to little more than slave labour (in the experience of my DS and his large group of friends who spent several months doing it).
Don't rise to it, let him look into it and see how far he gets.

Eckhart · 17/06/2020 12:27

It's very unlikely he'll be able to do this. Just ignore him and carry on regardless.

WotnoPasta · 17/06/2020 12:29

So he’s going to take him to Australia for Christmas. So pay for 4 flights for himself and 2 for your son. And he’s currently paying you only £40 a week. He’s a fantasist.

Original poster
FirTree31 · 17/06/2020 12:29

I think his brother will enable a lot, he has a business and 4 houses in Sydney which he built up himself. I don't doubt there will be opportunities, but there are also opportunities here, and he also has a child. There would be opportunities for me, for many, but not everyone buggers off because they have responsibilities. What about my income, my career, the once which provides for our son? I don't know who these people are that think, well I'll leave.

OP posts:
CowsGoBaaaaa · 17/06/2020 12:35

Borders are shut and won’t open at all this year in Australia, forget it, can’t happen.

HUCKMUCK · 17/06/2020 12:40

He's an idiot. It's all very well spouting off about wanting to make money for DSs future but what about DSs needs now.

I'm sorry you potentially have the worry of dealing with the fall out.

What an arsehole.

Zaphodsotherhead · 17/06/2020 12:47

My XH stayed in this country. Never saw the children, never paid a penny.

He doesn't need to go to Australia to avoid parenting, he can do that good and proper over here if he wants to.

Teach your son resilience if you can. Maybe make his visits to his DH variable in length?

My DD emigrated to Australia, found a job almost immediately and is on the point of gaining residential status. Depending on what he does, it can be reasonably easy to find a job (she is an accountant).

LordOftheRingz · 17/06/2020 12:47

He's lying. He is moving for himself. Dads who care don't do that. He is leaving you alone to deal with everything and thats what you will have to do. I would gird your loins and prepare for the long haul, this waster is gone, he left ages ago.

timetest · 17/06/2020 12:47

This sounds like a pipe dream. I don’t think there is a pressing need for tree surgeons in Australia. He’s just being a man child.

ErickBroch · 17/06/2020 12:49

YANBU. Awful. My Dad moved abroad when I went to uni - 10 years on he still struggles with the distance even though the move was the best and right thing! I don't know how someone could leave their young child.

dontdisturbmenow · 17/06/2020 12:55

He is a selfish twat and he knows it. He knows he is a dinning his child for a perceived easy and fun life. he is coming up with pathetic excuses (because there's nothing else to excuse his choices) that is convinving no-one and however much he wishes it did, himself for a start, deep inside it isn't either, but denial is easy.

If he goes ahead,he won't deserve any future acknowledgement, let alone live from your son. He won't deserve it.

FFSFFSFFS · 17/06/2020 12:58

I think he's in very a rude shock when he tries to move to Australia....

cheeseismydownfall · 17/06/2020 13:01

YANBU, clearly.

Specifically about the tics - DS(12) first started exhibiting tics as a toddler. They gradually increased in frequency and intensity throughout primary (which is typical) and like your DS he meets the criteria for Tourette's diagnosis, although he has never been formally diagnosed. Our GP referred him to CAHMS but said realistically we would never, ever be prioritised to seen (which was indeed the case, sadly). I'm pleased to say that DS seems to be following a recognised pattern which see symptoms peaking at around 11 - his tics have become much less noticeable over the past 18 months and we have long periods where he doesn't tic at all.

ANYWAY, the point I wanted to make is that DS has always, ALWAYS exhibited much worse symptoms at home (often when he is relaxed e.g. watching TV). This is very normal and reflects that they are subconsciously working to suppress them in less reassuring environments (perhaps in a similar way to children with autism who mask at school). Your ex sounds like he needs to educate himself properly on tic disorders to that he can be part of the solution, instead of making things worse.

CallmeAngelina · 17/06/2020 13:02

Does anyone know of a mother anywhere, ever, who would up sticks and emigrate 12,000 miles away from their child?
What IS it with some men?! Angry

Notcontent · 17/06/2020 13:02

Australia is a very long way away. The flights are very expensive. It’s not like going to Spain for a long weekend. (I have family there.). And yes, currently the borders are closed.

thebear1 · 17/06/2020 13:02

A loving father wouldn't want to leave their child unless there was a very good reason. His is not a good reason. He is an arse who is putting himself first.

cheeseismydownfall · 17/06/2020 13:06

BTW, my apologies if you already know this, but tic disorders have high rates of comorbidity with other neurological conditions such as ADHD. I'm just mentioning this as you said that your DS has other behavioural challenges - it might be worth exploring if you haven't already done so.

SapatSea · 17/06/2020 13:09

He shouldn't have told your DS that he was taking him to Oz! That's thoughtless and cruel.

As for "leaving him money" and trips to Australia until your son can permanently move there (what about you and your rights?) in his fantasy. What happens when he has another relationship and children, will your son be a distant memory?