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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be so upset and angry about DSs Dad moving to Australia?

153 replies

FirTree31 · 17/06/2020 11:35

I only posted about another matter (school) yesterday so I am sorry to be asking for advice again.

My ex partner, DS2 (5 years old) Dad, told me last night he is moving to Australia to "make money so that when he dies he has some money to leave him". His brother lives there. DS2 has tics (which GP said yesterday would now be classes as Tourettes as tics persisted over a year) and his own behavioural challenges which can be severe. Apparently tics only happen in our home and I need to get it "sorted". DS loves his Dad and would be so upset, I can't imagine how much worse his behaviour and anxiety might be. Not to mention the backdrop of what is going on right now.

Ex said he is not being selfish, that he needs to make money, he looked down on me for working PT after spending 5 years at uni. Says he doesn't get to go on holiday, says he feels trapped.

I can't properly articulate to him how devastating I belive this would be for our son, partly because I'm finding it very difficult to empathise with him. He has a job, he has friends and family, he has a house(although he rents). AIBU to think this is ridiculous?

OP posts:
Shinygreenelephant · 17/06/2020 13:52

My daughters father went off to work abroad, supposedly to “give her a better life” which translated to paying no child support for the first year (then the bare minimum) and visiting every 6 months. He’s come back now after 5 years and is trying to make amends but it was awful and traumatic for her because she adores him. He got his adventure and she coped because she had me but their relationship will never fully recover. He used to post all over SM how he was making the ultimate sacrifice to give her a better life, all while not sending her a penny and sending crappy cards a month late for her bday. Useless twat

pigeon999 · 17/06/2020 13:55

I would be making it very very very clear to him that your child will not be flying to the other side of the world to visit until he is of an age (around 16) to take such a long flight/flights by himself. So when a parent takes a decision to emigrate that far away, then one must be extremely clear about the complete breakdown in contact with his child.

I feel extremely sorry for your child, but this has to be played down for his benefit. I would minimise it, and change the subject until you know for sure he is actually going (could be lockdown getting to him) and when the reality of a move like that really sinks in, then he may not be so sure.

I can see why you are not with him anymore, what a terrible parent for even considering this with such a young child left behind. Sorry op Flowers

pigeon999 · 17/06/2020 13:57

mitz I am sorry but your post made me smile even though it is so sad for your dd. Huge leap = 20 years to move 34 miles Grin Grin

dinosaurdee · 17/06/2020 14:01

Sounds like he can't be bothered to help with son's challenges so is leaving it you and scarpering. Reeks of abandonment. I'd let him go and get on with it.

HoppingPavlova · 17/06/2020 14:03

chatwoo How can you be so sure?

While you can’t be 100% sure, a big clue would be today’s announcement by the Federal Govnt that the border will remain closed until next year, with the exception of a bubble they are trying to work on to enable travel to/from NZ.

Bookoffacts · 17/06/2020 14:04

Most men die in their 90s.
DS will be 60 when he gets this inheritance.
It's an awful excuse and he's running away.
Soon enough he'll have a house, new young blonde wife and new kids. (This happened to me with my ex)

I'm very sorry x

Horehound · 17/06/2020 14:05

It's not even a thing.
He doesn't have money, he can't get a flight. He won't be going!

In fact, op, I'd be entertaining his dream by saying "so when is it you're going?" How long is the flight, have you got a place to live? Etc etc
It'll never materialise.

sundowners · 17/06/2020 14:10

He should be very careful, 2 friends who moved out to Australia have recently returned after struggling to find work. I would as others say totally distance myself now, not even engage with any talk of it and wait and see. Its not as simple as just moving out there without sponsorship etc.

Justgivemesomepeace · 17/06/2020 14:10

Id take it with a pinch of salt for now until he has a concrete plan in place You could be getting upset over nothing. Its not easy to emigrate to Australia at the best of times, I imagine its pretty damn impossible at the moment. My ex did this twice to me. Once he was going to Sth Africa with his current company. The second was a new job he was offered in Dubai. Neither happened in the end. Ill bet nothing comes of it.

FortunesFave · 17/06/2020 14:15

BookofFacts no the average age for a man to die is 81. Most men don't live into their 90s at all.

morriseysquif · 17/06/2020 14:15

Let him get on with it, if he can't see being an absent parent is being no parent at all then how can you dissuade him?

Tell him to write a letter explaining why he has left his child to live the other side of the world and you will give it to his DS when he's older. That might concentrate his thoughts.

FortunesFave · 17/06/2020 14:16

How is your ex with multiple deadly species, most of which will be extremely at home in trees?

No, actually most of the dangerous things live in holes at ground level or under rocks and in grass.

Right where we all walk. Grin

morriseysquif · 17/06/2020 14:17

@Bookoffacts

Most men die in their 90s. DS will be 60 when he gets this inheritance. It's an awful excuse and he's running away. Soon enough he'll have a house, new young blonde wife and new kids. (This happened to me with my ex)

I'm very sorry x

Why does she have to be blonde Confused
Justgivemesomepeace · 17/06/2020 14:17

MitziK- mine eventually got 75 miles to Selby. I honestly think part of it was testing our reactions. Dd was the first person he told when he got the Dubai job. She was about 14. He hadnt even discussed it with his wife. She put the kybosh on it but only after he had completely stressed out poor DD who tried to be all supportive and positive when he called, only to cry her eyes out after. Bloody git.

ABlackRussian · 17/06/2020 14:21

*UncleShady", great advice!

Wehavealllosttheplot · 17/06/2020 14:22

UncleShady

Longdistance · 17/06/2020 14:33

The only place he’s going is LaLa land.
Considering the borders are closed and you need to be on the list for eligibility of workers needed, I doubt he’d be leaving in a hurry anyway. It’s not easy.

He sounds like he’s running away. Great father! Hmm

Lulu1919 · 17/06/2020 14:34

Boarding school at 5 not in the UK
Lots of school holidays yes....but flights are expensive and who will accompany him there and back ?

trappedsincesundaymorn · 17/06/2020 14:37

Well unless he has a job lined up, a qualification or skill that meets the entrance requirements, a sponsor, an Australian passport or a fuckton of money then he's going to be sorely disappointed. Having a family member living there does not mean automatic entry. I would take his plans with a barrel load of salt.

MzHz · 17/06/2020 14:42

@Isthisfinallyit

You can't make him be a good snd responsible father. If anytging it would be better for your ds to not rely on him if he cops out so easily. Better to learn that young than create a bond and have him heartbroken as a teenager.
Absolutely this!

Speaking as a mother of a now teen DS who has a pathetic waste of space dad. Better they never grow to rely on those who will hurt them if it means they’re doing what suits only them.

You’re the parent ds will grow up to love and trust. In time you may meet someone too, so he’ll see decent men as role models eventually

Don’t give up and be happy that this prick of an ex isn’t interfering in your life!

pigeon999 · 17/06/2020 14:44

Ask him to confirm this flight and departure date in your next communication, that will be interesting in itself, as we still have friends that missed the repatriation flights and are still there!!!!!

So good luck to anyone trying to get into what is now a closed country, and starting a 'new life' in the middle of a pandemic.

BurtsBeesKnees · 17/06/2020 14:46

Don't discuss it with your ds until it's all done and dusted. By the sounds of things he's a fantasist and it's likely not to happen anyway. Try not to stress about it and simple say 'that's nice dear' when he mentions it.

rosiejaune · 17/06/2020 14:48

If he is not invested enough in his child to stay and raise him, then he wouldn't be a good father staying here anyway. I wouldn't encourage him to stay; your son would probably be better off without him long-term.

Topseyt · 17/06/2020 14:51

It sounds like a pipe dream to me. He hasn’t thought it through and is living in cloud cuckoo land.

You can’t just up sticks and decamp to Australia on a whim. You need to have a skill that is required for one thing, and as others have said, tree surgeons are not on the list there. My SIL emigrated there over 30 years ago and even back then it took her a lot of hard work (and many good jobs too) to gain her permanent residency visa.

I think things have tightened up even further since then, and for now it has it’s borders closed anyway. For the present anyway, he won’t even be able to get in, and jumping up and down pleading about being a tree surgeon will just make him look like a nutcase.

Don’t those massive and hairy huntsman spiders and other monstrosities live in trees in Australia? And some snakes etc. So tree surgeons there will have to be able and willing to deal with that sort of thing too.

Original poster
FirTree31 · 17/06/2020 14:54

I think you're right, I'm just going to try and ignore it, and not let it get to me whilst it is still essentially a pipe dream. Arborist is on the occupation shortfall list, but although he rope access certs, I don't think he has any for tree surgery, he worked for his Dad's business and learned on the job. Years ago he also wanted to go on the oil rigs, paid over £1000 to go on a training course, which I helped organise, then decided against it. as many have pointed out, he's simply a fantastist. But he shouldn't be saying anything to me or especially our son about Australia.

OP posts:
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