AIBU to be so upset and angry about DSs Dad moving to Australia?

[FirTree31]

I only posted about another matter (school) yesterday so I am sorry to be asking for advice again.

My ex partner, DS2 (5 years old) Dad, told me last night he is moving to Australia to "make money so that when he dies he has some money to leave him". His brother lives there. DS2 has tics (which GP said yesterday would now be classes as Tourettes as tics persisted over a year) and his own behavioural challenges which can be severe. Apparently tics only happen in our home and I need to get it "sorted". DS loves his Dad and would be so upset, I can't imagine how much worse his behaviour and anxiety might be. Not to mention the backdrop of what is going on right now.

Ex said he is not being selfish, that he needs to make money, he looked down on me for working PT after spending 5 years at uni. Says he doesn't get to go on holiday, says he feels trapped.

I can't properly articulate to him how devastating I belive this would be for our son, partly because I'm finding it very difficult to empathise with him. He has a job, he has friends and family, he has a house(although he rents). AIBU to think this is ridiculous?

He's doing it for himself and making a poor attempt to dress it ups s being for your son's benefit.

No young child would choose to have no/very limited contact with a parent in order to have money left to them in a will.

Even if he is sponsored by family it will be months if not years before he'll obtains a visa and/or actually goes to Australia even as a tourist. I'd practise working on life without him now. He sounds a waste of space.

I have a relative who did this but not until his children were much older. Broke their relationship. They have never spoken since even though he has been over here several times.
So I have some idea just how much paper work and cost implications involved and it really is massive. Putting aside the current situation which means it really isn't going to happen this year.

I'd personally take a deep breath and get on with your live. Just seems more like a pipe dream he has because he's had more time to face time his Bro. in Aus! I really wouldn't discuss it with him or get into an argument about it at all. His ideas on how he's going to have DS over for Xmas, well ye like that's going to happen.
I think you need to have your ducks in a row, apply for DS's passport if he doesn't have one already so you have it in safe keeping and he can't apply for one himself. So you have control. But I wouldn't tell him what you are up to.

@cheeseismydownfall, thank you for mentioning that and telling me about your experience. I had read that tics can often be worse at home after say trying to surpress at school. GP did say we won't be seen my CAHMs, their criteria is for extremities and Tourettes does not fall under this. Thank you for sharing.

Is there anyway, on any level I can articulate to ex how detrimental this could be? I am too wrapped up in the emotion of it?

No, I know no Mothers who would Do this. Ex is constantly putting himself first and my career, one which I had to get a masters for is put down, and this is another example of if this, it's okay to go and follow his dream and make money, but as a woman I must stay at home and work PT with no support. Then get put down for not working FT, then get told part of the tic issue is because DS went to nursery.

Hilarious. While accountants are on the list, tree surgeons are not so no visa via that route. As I understand it, family visa’s have a waiting list of over 10 years for processing so he will have a long wait there. He can’t even come immediately on a temp working visa as our border is shut, not estimated to open until next year.

So I’d just say ‘that’s nice dear’ and not think further than that at this point.

Well as an Australian, he’s not going to be allowed in here until next year and might find that his profession and lack of financial stability doesn’t give him the necessary points to migrate. It’s a dick move but highly unlikely.

If it’s not moving to Australia it will be something else. He’s a twat

OP my ex threatened to up-sticks to Oz a few times since we split up. Friend who had an Australian wife had gone a few years earlier.

I don't know how much progress he made with his application, but he didn't go, not much call for mechanics in Oz....

He's dropped contact with the kids anyway, only seen them for 6 hours in the last year. Tells me repeatedly its all my fault, kids will know that it's all my fault etc etc. Meh. My kids are much more resiliant now, and can see through his BS.

Even if he gets his shit together and goes, I bet he won't stay. I emigrated here 4 years ago and I love it but by the sound of your ex, he's not together.

He'll find it harder than he imagines. Between the weather and the different culture, plus what sounds like a very busy brother, he won't last. He will feel isolated.

@CallmeAngelina

Does anyone know of a mother anywhere, ever, who would up sticks and emigrate 12,000 miles away from their child? What IS it with some men?!

Yes, I know of one who emigrated and the DC stayed with her exH. However, I think she is probably the exception that proves the rule.

Tree Surgeon's not even on the list of Skilled Occupations for migrants. Arborist is.

This is probably part of a strategy to manipulate you to behave in ways that suit him, I would go for the 'that's nice dear' approach suggested by previous poster
Don't let him see that you are upset or angry or in any way rattled.

Ginnie I know one too. She came to Oz with her DD and her husband and then left them here when he wouldn't return to the UK.

She works as a carer and rents a house. 4 years later, the husband returned to the UK with the DD.

I would take it as an indication that he is looking for ways to duck out of his responsibilities and knowing this you should plan ahead accordingly

Is he difficult in general OP? Does he make a lot of demands?

I bet this is just a strategy to make you nervous so he can control you better.

@CowsGoBaaaaa

Borders are shut and won’t open at all this year in Australia, forget it, can’t happen.

How can you be so sure?

@habibihabibi

Even if he is sponsored by family it will be months if not years before he'll obtains a visa and/or actually goes to Australia even as a tourist. I'd practise working on life without him now. He sounds a waste of space.

He can't get sponsored by his family, so that, along with his job not being "in demand" is a complete non-starter. I suspect it was an empty threat (tantrum) anyway

Hi Op,
I'm from the uk but lived in Australia for 8 years now. Saying that he is moving here to make money for his son is utter bullshit! Especially sydney! Yes the pay rate is higher but everything else is much more expensive as well. Sydney house prices are the most expensive in the country. He's using that as an excuse to try and make himself look like he's not abandoning his son. Which he is. I'm so sorry you and your son have to go through this.
Tree surgeon isn't currently on the skilled occupations list. So unless his brother is going to sponsor him through one of his businesses, good luck to him getting in! I moved here when I was 19 and more than half of my immediate family were already here and I still couldn't get in, I had to become a student paying $20000 per year and only being allowed to work 20 hours per week. Then get sponsored in that profession afterwards. It's very difficult to get in even more so now than it was 8 years ago.
I would be hesitant to letting your son go there with him, what happens if he won't send your son back?

My OHs DF moved abroad when OH was 14. Even though they do have a relationship now (20 yrs later) he still finds it hard that his DF just upped and left. It’s very hurtful no matter how old the child.

It can’t be that difficult to emigrate to Australia as I have known loads of people who’ve done it - one was a handy man another a lorry driver. I also know a lot of highly qualified medical people come back again too. Ultimately, if he is determined to go then there’s probably not a lot you can do about it altho you can still claim child maintenance, well in theory anyway. Also in my experience, once somebody has got the idea of emigrating firmly fixed in their head then family ties mean little. They’re off on a mission. Seen it happen.

He wants to abandon his son but he's trying to gaslight you into thinking that what he is doing is not an act of abandonment
He sounds slippery, if you try to hold him to account he will wriggle free, if you want to get the better of him you will have to play a longer game.

Just wondering...

How is your ex with multiple deadly species, most of which will be extremely at home in trees?

Might be less appealing if instead of dealing with the odd angry blackbird or wasps' nest in a Leylandii, he's got the chance of pissing off those sorts of creatures.

My ex announced repeatedly that he was emigrating - first it was Texas, then Bosnia (I think), then Sweden. Was going to send for DD after five years and take her to live with him as well, apparently.

He got as far as Kent. Not even to the coast. Took him 20 years to move 34 miles.

DD now lives in Yorkshire. She moved there three days before he made the Huge Leap.