Taking my wife's name

[Caoilainn]

Not a ATAT but interested as I saw a similar thread and I have a slightly different situation and wondered what people thought about it.

My partner and I will be marrying later this year. She has her ex-husbands surname, as do her children. I'm not attached to mine and have no children.

We were thinking that if I take their surname then it's easier in general. She is attached to hers and I'm not to mine.

I would like to have the same name as my wife, she would like to have the same name as her children.

There are things like passport control etc that are easier if we all have the same but that's a bit incidental.

I think her ex will possibly have an issue with this but don't actually know.

Thoughts?

If this makes you and your partner happy, by all means take her name. As for what her ex thinks, it's irrelevant. He doesn't own his last name and he can't prevent you from using it. He might be pissed off with you having the same name as his children, but if you're willing to deal with any backlash, change your name.

You should do whatever is best for you and your family and not worry about what anyone else thinks.

Sounds like a good idea

Thank you so much. I was worried about posting. You have both made me feel so much better!
We would have already been married if it wasn't for COVID-19!

I bet you a pound to a peanut the ex will kick up a right old stink, because he thinks it’s his name.
But at the same time I wouldn’t let that stop you. Just be prepared for a row.

If my partner took my name, then we split up and his new partner took my name I would find it really odd. Dont know if I would be angry, upset or both. If you are all happy with it though go for it.

My dad took my mums name, she gave us her name when we were born as they were not married. When they married when I was 5 he took our name. Made sense to them. Worked for us.

I’m 40 now but it raised a few eyebrows back then! I don’t think it would now.

You're thinking about taking her ex-husband's name? That's weird.

Was it her ex husbands surname @Thehop? Maybe its more common then imagined.

My sister and her first husband - neither liked their surnames, so they both chose one they liked.
She still uses it - 50 years on, although they only stayed married for a couple of years.
Use whatever surname you like - although I agree its most likely to be her ex who is less keen.

Sounds like a good idea!

You're thinking about taking her ex-husband's name? That's weird.

Can you not read?

OP is thinking about taking their new wife's name

I dont think its any more weird in 2020 than a woman taking her husbands name. Go for it if youre all happy

OP is thinking about taking their new wife's name - yes, which is her ex-husband's name? That is weird.

I genuinely didn't expect so much support for this. Thank you everyone, I really appreciate it. I think people have lots of different reasons for having, choosing and keeping names.

For the poster who said it's weird that I'm taking her ex's name. I'm not, I'm taking my partners name. It's been hers for 20 years, longer than she had her maiden name. I think on the other post I saw that it's given, not lent.

I come from divorced parents, my mum has the same surname as me 25 years later and still says Mrs. I feel like that's her choice. The next person who married my dad had the same one.

@ToBBQorNotToBBQ no it was her maiden name! She was adamant she wouldn’t change it.

yes, which is her ex-husband's name? That is weird.

Not as weird as you thinking the name belongs to the ex husband.

I think it’s a lovely idea.

"OP is thinking about taking their new wife's name - yes, which is her ex-husband's name? That is weird."

This name is also the last name of thousands of other people on the planet. It is not the sole property of the ex-husband.

It sounds like a good option. The alternative is your wife could double hers to have ties to both or you talk to her ex about this and wither you change yours to match them or if double barrelling the names of the children is an option.

It's her name now. Not his. Or no woman should ever change her name. It's not a loaner .

Do it OP.

I'm sure another Mumsnet user did this too. Her new husband took her name, which she had taken when she married her first husband who very sadly passed away.
The consensus on here was that her new husband was great.

My husband took my name 27 years ago. Neither of us had been married previously so slightly different to your situation.

If it works for you then go for it.

Go for it, OP. You’ve both thought this through and in any case it’s considerably less odd in 2020 than the default assumption that a woman takes her husband’s name on marriage.

The ingrained sexism of the people who think that the surname your ex has used for 20 years is not really hers but her ex-husband’s is interesting.

We talked about double barrelling, making up a name etc. Then thought actually 3 out of 4 of us already have a name they like and use. Seems silly to change all for one!

Thank you all for the reasonable and supportive comments. I really appreciate it!