Taking my wife's name

[Caoilainn]

Not a ATAT but interested as I saw a similar thread and I have a slightly different situation and wondered what people thought about it.

My partner and I will be marrying later this year. She has her ex-husbands surname, as do her children. I'm not attached to mine and have no children.

We were thinking that if I take their surname then it's easier in general. She is attached to hers and I'm not to mine.

I would like to have the same name as my wife, she would like to have the same name as her children.

There are things like passport control etc that are easier if we all have the same but that's a bit incidental.

I think her ex will possibly have an issue with this but don't actually know.

Thoughts?

Yes, I would like to administer a short, sharp electric shock to everyone who contributes the brilliant aperçu that women’s surnames are ‘really their fathers’ names, so how is that feminist?‘ to every thread on this. And yes, invariably with the air of having won the discussion by totally blindsiding everyone with their leftfield logic.

I think it's a great idea and solution and as a PP said, shows that you're joining a team. There are often posters on here who change their names on marriage because "his name is nicer than mine" and apparently that's a good enough reason.

Well I changed my name to that of my great grandmother, and then kept it on marriage. What kind of outlier does that make me?!

( And yes, I still get asked if we are really properly married)

Slightly different situation, but my mum kept her married surname when she divorced my dad, and she and my step dad gave my sister my dad's surname as they thought it would be easier/more inclusive for me (my mum and step dad didn't actually marry). I know my step-mum found it a bit weird, but my dad just said it was none of his business, and I think my step mum was okay with it once I explained the reasoning.

DH has my name , it's not my ex husband's but if you're going to think like that it is my father's. Except actually it's just my name otherwise no woman would ever have their own name, it would always be their father's/grandfather's (if their DMs maiden name) or husband's, or their wife's father's if same sex marriage.

Sounds like a good plan OP

My husband took my name because it was infinitely cooler than his 😁. Don't worry about the ex.

I think it is a lovely idea and certainly a lot less complicated than you two havibg a different name to the children. Passport control being the main issue that springs to mind.

Go for it! :) If you like the name, it's yours. It doesn't belong to her ex or anyone else who has the same name. GL with the wedding plans. x

I think it’s strange as you’ll have the same surname as your new wife’s kids and therefore could easily be incorrectly referred to as their dad, and for this reason I think xhusband would be completely justified in being annoyed in you having his surname.

I think it’s strange as you’ll have the same surname as your new wife’s kids and therefore could easily be incorrectly referred to as their dad, and for this reason I think xhusband would be completely justified in being annoyed in you having his surname.

Gosh, so it really is all about masculinity and paternity as a pissing contest.

I think it’s strange as you’ll have the same surname as your new wife’s kids and therefore could easily be incorrectly referred to as their dad,

Almost as strange as your assumption that OP is a man

DH and I discussed surnames - changing mine, changing his, coming up with a new one, what our (future) children would have, double-barrelled, etc.

I wasn't bothered about my maiden name and, as DH shares the same first and middle name as one of my brother's (IKN a Freudian dream, eh 🤣) he couldn't take mine as it was confusing enough already.

In the end we stuck with tradition but I think you choose what's right for you and your family unit. I don't put much emphasis on the whole 'keeping the family name' malarky but maybe that's because I don't like my dad or his father, my maternal grandfather changed his name twice and I don't feel the need for the same sense of identity as there was.

It sounds like the best and easiest option all round.

Best of luck with your wedding :)

I think it's totally fine, as you say it has been her name and her children's name for a long time.
We had our children before we married, I still have my name and the children have my husband's surname.
Unfortunately this of course means I love my children less and they are confused as to whether I am really their mother.

;-)

I don’t know why people always trot out passport control as an issue.

How likely is a stepfather to be travelling alone with his stepchildren?

And anyway, my child and I have different names (she has her dad’s as it’s unusual and nice, and I didn’t care about her having mine, but chose not to change mine) and it has never been a problem at passport control! We show a letter my XH and I wrote, with a photo copy of our passports and marriage certificate. It just stays tucked into her passport 🤷🏻‍♀️

She’s 16 now - and I’ve yet to have a single problem with different names.

Good on you OP.

Personally I don’t see any need for a family to have the same surname as each other, any more than they need to have the same hair colour for example. But if you do all want to have the same name then this definitely seems the one to pick.

PS I have a different surname from my children and have never had any issue at passport control, even when travelling without DH whose name they have.

Unfortunately this of course means I love my children less and they are confused as to whether I am really their mother.

And I bet they are regularly interrogated at passport control about who is this strange woman they are travelling with?

I agree with @Ellisandra -- I never changed my name, because I think it's an antediluvian custom, and DS has both my and DH's surnames, and it's yet to cause the remotest issue with any form of bureaucracy.

@FlurryKnox

Yes, I would like to administer a short, sharp electric shock to everyone who contributes the brilliant aperçu that women’s surnames are ‘really their fathers’ names, so how is that feminist?‘ to every thread on this. And yes, invariably with the air of having won the discussion by totally blindsiding everyone with their leftfield logic.

It's also a bloody ignorant retort. My surname at birth was my mother's name.

@Ellisandra I mentioned passport control as I always get stopped whilst they question my youngest as to who he travelling with.

My oldest two children have my name and my youngest has his dads name.

It's easily cleared up but wouldn't have been an issue if he had the same name as us.

@LycraLovingLass it’s not just you - I see it on here all the time. I also have to explain at passport control. Which is no effort at all. It happens - I just don’t think it’s worthy of consideration in a decision about names!

Sounds like a sensible idea & glad nobody so far is objecting. Yes he doesn't own the name but I think your wife to be should let him know you are considering the option as a courtesy, assuming they co-parent well & are on passable terms.

If he objects, then you can tell him it's not really anything to do with him & you were being courteous to let him know

Why not. The Japanese have had this practice of the man taking the wife's name for ages (mukoyoshi). Though admittedly it is usually done when there are no male heirs to inherit the family business so her family adopt their son in law.

I'm assuming a man posted this if it was a woman then a bit different....but if a an ad you have kids with her they will take another mans name?!

I have also assumed you are a man. Again as there is no same sex marriage in Japan the eldest of a couple will often adopt their partner. This ensures some legal protection for them with inheritance etc.