To think some men just can’t handle family life

[Dylaninthemovies1]

Over the past few years I’ve noticed quite a few friends and aquaintainces with young children split up with their husband/partner.

In nearly all scenarios the woman is literally left holding the baby. The man will only see the child(ren) when it suits them (once a week), keep changing the day they take the child, expect the mother to do all the parenting, avoid paying maintenance and try their best to make the mother’s life difficult.

I’ve noticed all the men seemed to have been very crap at being a dad even when they were with the mum; she’s left doing most of the childcare and housework even when working outside of the home too.

Am not saying all men are the same. But it just seems that so many men can’t handle family life

@MessAllOver that’s a very good summary.

I would add that things have got worse in the last 20 years. Because before Wo,en didn’t have the pressure to go to work and earn their way in the top of all the rest. Whereas now, as you say, she has to work otherwise she is living off her husband, which is unacceptable.
You see that in divorce too when the man can leave with his Hugh salary etc... because he has worked all his life but the woman is told she is a benefit scrounger because she is struggling to find anything at 55yo after 20+ years looking after the dcs and facilitating HIS work.
What has been touted as a step toward equality has actually been a step towards women doing even more of the work imo.

@PollyPelargonium52, if that is right, then men are REALLY the weakest sex, even on a physical pov...

Let’s see how That would go down if they were told they were weak (which women have been told for centuries and men have used that as a reason as to why they must have the upper hand....).

All you have said op is and was my ex. Often forgets it's his weekend to have his son, dont know how as its eow, for 1 night. Has said if I go to cms for what I should be getting for maintenance he will make it look like he earns less as he 'cant afford it' coming from the man that earns 1200-2000 a week, while I live on 500 a month. He never did any thing with our son when he was here and only ever pulled us out when we were to be boosting his ego to make him look like a family man and a good father, when in reality it couldnt be further from the truth. I'm now with someone who's totaly opposite to that so there are good men out there.

My DH was really involved when the DC were babies, changed nappies etc....but the older they've got which means they have opinions/want to do things, hes taken much more of a back seat. We could go where we wanted with a baby/small toddler, go out to eat at our choice of restaurant etc, watch his choice of tv with baby on his lap.
Since they were about 5, I've often taken the DC out for days on my own because he wants to do his hobby, (or doesnt want to go to a child orientated place) and if we moot the idea of a day out he'll often suggest going to a food or antiques market and be surprised if the DC and me think it's boring!
We had a conversation at dInner yday and DC, who are teen/tween, were saying they felt he knew nothing about their school. He knew (guessed) what year they were in but had no idea who any of their teachers were and didnt know the head teacher of either of their schools. Dd said "I bet dads never been to a parents evening" and he got really indignant and said of course he had.(hes been to 3.....in 10 years) Then he got really defensive and said "well I bet Tiktok doesnt know who called me at work today at 2.30!"

The problem is that there is a constant bombardment from all sides about the respective roles of men and women.

I was quite irritated by The Salisbury Poisoning programme on TV. The main role was a woman with what looked like a young teen. On several occasions it was made clear that she was failing her family, and particularly her son, because she was working so hard in an incredibly important role. The son sulked and stropped and no-one did anything other than try to placate him. When anything didn’t go the way he wanted, it was her fault.

And don’t get me started on the casting. It was interesting to see the real people who were portrayed in the production, as there was a good likeness between them and the actors. Except for the slim woman in the lead role, who looked nothing like the slightly overweight woman in real life. What a surprise .

The problem is that there is a constant bombardment from all sides about the respective roles of men and women

I think they is way more expectation for women to work and (work as, but not be paid as) equal to men in the workplace, and that is generally seen as a progressive thing, but the expectation of men being equal to women, or taking equal roles in the home and childcare is far less aspirational.

Ur right. My ex did literally nothing around the house, he didn’t actually parent our kids he just played with them and then a lot of the time got bored and went on his xbox and I had to occupy them. When they were babies he would make me have them in the bath with me cuz he cba to look after them even for 15 mins whilst I washed. Then he cheated on me and I haven’t heard from him in 3 months and he hasn’t seen his children and nobody cares about that or thinks it’s bad

@nancybotwinbloom non-payment of child maintenance should I be a criminal offence. That would concentrate the mind.

I think a lot of it comes down to ego & the fact men are more likely to put their needs first. Kids particularly young ones are tough, it can be boring, monotonous, you have little time for yourself etc. But most mothers have no other choice then to suck it up.

Because we raise boys to put themselves first and we raise girls to take care of others. So the boys grow up, realise how hard it is to take care of a baby and they can't be arsed. Whereas the women have very little choice in the matter by that point.

I don’t think men get a lot out of having children. I think the only reason most of them do it at all is because the bulk of the work will fall on the woman’s shoulders and they know it. They often have this strong desire to carry on their family line but outside of that they don’t really invest in it.

I also think a lot of them like the idea of family life but the reality is far from the idealised situation they had envisioned.

Yes men should not be able to see kids, they should live in different towns to the women and kids, earning the money so we can be rich

@FurbabyLife and what do you think women get out of it that men don't? I think the problem is that men see they don't get much out of it so they move on. Whereas women get told they need to sacrifice themselves, their needs and desires no longer come first.

I also think a lot of them like the idea of family life but the reality is far from the idealised situation they had envisioned.

Same thing happens to women!!! You think women are overjoyed by the reality of shitty nappies, toilet training, friendship drama, school drama etc?!

I know. It is criminal.
It is morally criminal.

This is the fella that spends over £100 on a takeaway for one night for himself because he has to have the best of everything.

Yet has never bought a piece of school uniform.
Owes £10k in unpaid child maintenance and hasn't seen his child for coming up to two years.

You know what the CMS can do? Send a letter saying we haven't received a payment this month so we are adding it to the debt.

You know what they do about the debt? Make him pay back less than a tenner a month.

Fuck me I wish They did mortgages.

God I'm On my soapbox now and I am raging at him all over again and raging at the lack of support for single parents who are left in this position with no consequences for the absent or non paying parent.

Why is nothing ever done? Why are there no laws or proper penalties.

Am literally sat here feewwwming.

If there is anyone on here who works for the CMS, I'd really love to know what else you can do about debt, non payers, self employed fiddling the books because I am fed up of women getting the short straw.

From reading some of the posts on here, it appears that some men are confused about the type of "wife-bot" they ordered.

There are three types:

• "Domestic Goddess" wife-bot (who keeps the house sparkly and a home-made meal on the table for when the man of the house returns from work);
• "Super-Mummy" wife-bot (who batch bakes cupcakes for the school bake sale, organises Instagram-worthy activities for the children and plays football and dolly tea parties all day long without complaint);
• "Career Woman" wife-bot (who brings in an equal (or greater) amount of money, ensuring lots of lovely holidays, savings, hobbies, nice cars and other treats).

Some men (the cheapskate and unreasonable ones) seem to think that they only need to "buy" one wife-bot and it can do the work of all three. Then they are surprised when it malfunctions and blows up in their face.

Self-employed fiddling the books
You could always reporting to HMRC Nancy?
it sounds utterly infuriating and so insulting that he can behave like that towards his own children:(
the only small consolation is that he's an idiot, he will f*ck up his own life, you don't need to do anything, just stand back and and watch the slow motion car crash as it unfolds

MessAllOver you’re right about that!

My ex definitely thought I should be a combination wife bot! He always seemed to be looking out to make sure he was getting his full money’s worth.

Ah, the "combination wife bot"... My understand is that Apple and Microsoft are still working on that one...Seeing as it needs to possess the ability to work 24/7 without overheating and be in three places at once.

At least in the bad old days, men understood that they were only purchasing the Domestic Goddess wife-bot. It could, however, perform some basic Super-Mummy functions as long as they didn't mind the children being left unsupervised in their playpens for most of the day.

A surprising number of men seem to have interpreted 'equality' as meaning that they get all three wife-bots for the price of one. And, as you point out, @Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches, they're very keen to get their money's worth.

Some men (the cheapskate and unreasonable ones) seem to think that they only need to "buy" one wife-bot and it can do the work of all three. Then they are surprised when it malfunctions and blows up in their face

Messy
I've been a malfunctioning bot for years, in fact, the Domestic Goddess app might be missing from me - well, I can cook, but other domestic chores skills are inferior! Not bad on the Mummy and Career front, but I could do with a tune-up!

My dh seemed the perfect husband and perfect step dad - then we had a (much tried for and he persuaded me rather than the other way) baby. He had an affair when I was heavily pregnant / baby was small when he suddenly got panicky about the responsibility/ lack of control of it all. No red flags were there before (and I didn’t have a clue until recently it had happened either)

I think a lot of women probably don’t like the baby stage / feel overwhelmed etc but we don’t really have a choice but to get on with it. Where some men see they have an option to run off / cheat for a taste of easy life / disengage. It’s crap.

I've definitely seen some men settle into a "traditional" unengaged MCP dad role once kids arrive. They really were decent husbands and partners before, but once their partner's mat leave/career break kicks in, they stop bothering. More "working late" and going to the pub after, more solo hobbies, more boys' holidays so they get a "break" from family life. Less childcare and couple time.

If they made non payment of child support a criminal act with a CCJ if not paid and another one added for every year it’s not paid I think it would be a start .
At the very least It would fuck up the guys credit rating and as it’s you can’t buy much without a decent credit rating it might focus the dead beat fathers intentions .
It might make them less attractive to the second wife’s and girlfriends in terms of being able to buy or rent a house or a nice new car .
It might penalise them in certain professions where CCJ and debts are frowned on .
It’s highly unlikely it will happen but it would be a good start 😀

@NewName89 and what do you think women get out of it that men don't? I think the problem is that men see they don't get much out of it so they move on. Whereas women get told they need to sacrifice themselves, their needs and desires no longer come first

Well that’s their choice (the women). You don’t have to sacrifice anything. There is the option to skip the whole parenting thing and live for yourself. Nobody forces it on you. I don’t necessarily think women get more out of it but I’ve never heard a man complaining of feeling broody like women do.