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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want my DS moving back In permanently?

146 replies

canalboater26 · 16/06/2020 14:39

Adult ds (in 20s) has been made redundant and could be packing up his rented house in a month's time and moving back in.

Whilst I am happy to offer him a home whilst he's on hard times as any good parent would, I don't wish to have a permanent lodger. He currently lives 200 miles away and is looking for a job where he lives, but has also applied for some jobs locally to us. He seems to think it's fine for him to just move in here and sees it as a good opportunity to save money.

We get on fine, but quite honestly we enjoy having the house to ourselves these days. What also concerns me is that I work part time, and I can see him reverting to his 16 year old self and expecting me to be chief cook/laundry maid and general P.A. just because I'm here and available and he's out at work all day. He's perfectly capable of taking care of himself but because I'm at home it will seem petty to say "cook your own dinner" etc.

AIBU? I don't want to cause him any more stress by telling him outright that we don't want him moving in long term, he's got enough to deal with at the moment.

OP posts:
Sharkerr · 16/06/2020 14:43

Of course YANBU.

You need to tell him though before he makes any firm decisions.

Seems a bit odd he’s assumed he can move back in for the foreseeable though, where do you think he got that idea from?

strawberry2017 · 16/06/2020 15:05

You need a list of ground rules and to agree them before he moves in.
I'd also be tempted to agree a deadline for how long he can stay and rent when he has an income.
YANBU to want to continue living your life the way it is now x

bumblingbovine49 · 16/06/2020 15:29

He's perfectly capable of taking care of himself but because I'm at home it will seem petty to say "cook your own dinner" etc.

Why is that? My 15 year old son regularly cooks his own dinner/lunch even if I am cooking mine and DH's. He might not like what I am cooking or might want to eat at different time. As long as he clears up afterwards that is fine with me

bumblingbovine49 · 16/06/2020 15:32

Meant to also say. Definitely agree ground rules in advance. Really think about what you can live with and what you can't and make it clear up front. Then maybe keep an open mind. You seem to have decided it won't work before it even happens. Set ground rules as to what you are happy with very very early on. I wouldn't say anything about how long he can live with you yet. See how it works out and have that conversation if it doesn't. Give it a go first, otherwise your son will rightly assume you think the worst of him without giving him the chance.

Original poster
canalboater26 · 16/06/2020 15:35

@bumblingbovine49 that might happen occasionally, but since he likes anything I cook, I suspect it will he more like "can you leave me some in the oven for when I get home"

OP posts:
Starbuggy · 16/06/2020 15:38

YANBU

Definitely agree ground rules and be clear you won’t tolerate an overgrown teenager living with you. And that it’s a short term solution until he had a job and can live independently again, not a long term plan to save him money once he’s earning.

It’s not that you should never cook for him if you’re cooking anyway. But that he should also cook for you. If it’s easier to combine laundry then fine, but it’s not your sole responsibility.

Khione · 16/06/2020 15:44

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

lockdownstress · 16/06/2020 15:52

If he moves in you agree ground rules in writing. Which include paying some rent, even if you save it and give it back to him at a later date.

crazychemist · 16/06/2020 16:00

Ground rules needed. BEFORE he moves in. Some sort of rota of chores is perfectly reasonable - he's an adult, this is what adults do in a house share situation.

StrangeTimes · 16/06/2020 16:03

My ds came back for a year, which was an agreed time limit to save for a deposit. He only paid £100 a month, to cover electricity etc. I cleared out a cupboard and a shelf in the fridge, where he could put his own food.

Maybe that’s how you proceed with your son, saying you’re happy for him to stay x amount of time for x amount of rent, and you’ve cleared a cupboard for him.

The there is no ambiguity.

But yeah I feel your pain, I must admit, the year with my son was great! A completely different dynamic then a teenager at home.

If you don’t draw the lines in the sand, you will end up being cheesed off with him. Good luck.

comingintomyown · 16/06/2020 16:07

I think a lot of youngsters assume they can move home to save money seen it on here loads of times where’s it’s assumed the parents barely need consulting if it’s ok.

I think I would be more inclined to be blunt and say you enjoy life as it is and whilst you are happy for him to move home it can only be a temporary arrangement. Then when you feel you’ve had enough you can speak to him and ask when he thinks he will be leaving. I wouldn’t get into rotes etc as that lends the situation an air of permanence

jumpinginthepvol · 16/06/2020 16:14

I think YABU to be so worried.
Take one step at a time.
the job market is tough at the moment and I think you should offer him security. Set expectations. Only you can let yourself be is chef and maid.

The situation may solve itself if he get a job elsewhere. If he gets a job close to you, you can have the conversation then about him getting his own place then.

Original poster
canalboater26 · 16/06/2020 20:13

The situation may solve itself if he get a job elsewhere. If he gets a job close to you, you can have the conversation then about him getting his own place then.

This is the trouble, I fear it will cause a family row if he gets a job locally. He will see it as a total waste of money renting when we have a bedroom here (that he uses regularly when back for weekends). I think DH would be quite happy for him to live here again (someone to have a beer/watch the footie with) it will just be me having a bigger domestic workload and made out to be an unwelcoming misery guts! I can see it driving a wedge between myself and DH.

OP posts:
cstaff · 16/06/2020 22:37

If you see your husband being the real problem then you two need to talk before your son moves home. You need to make sure that you are both on the same page and he needs to have your back. If you don't think your husband will do this then that is a bigger issue.

Tell your husband that you don't have a problem with them having a pint or watching football once he makes sure that you are looked after also whether that be cooking occasionally or just keeping his room in order etc. You are not going to be the bad guy all the time.

whatshappeninginthisworld · 16/06/2020 22:46

I'm sorry but I seem to be a bit old fashioned. I'd do anything for my son and if he needed my help I'd gladly offer it for as long as it's needed.
My mum loves it when my brother and I go back home and does everything for us... it's her pleasure, she wants to even though I tell her to sit down so I can take over. She just wants to see us as her babies again when we are with her.
I think I'll be the same with my own son.

I don't see what's wrong with keeping some food for him in the oven, you are cooking anyway isn't it?

TorkTorkBam · 16/06/2020 22:56

Decide up front to not be the house elf.

Go in with the attitude "Wonderful, it will be so good to have an extra pair of hands. Less to do for me!" Be open about it.

Sounds like DH is already "booking" DS's time in for football and pub. Get your own slice of his time for your benefit.

Make him responsible for big things like all the laundry, all the supermarket visits (he can pay if you are not charging rent), cooking for everyone three times a week, lawn mowing, etc.

Start going out more too. You don't have to worry about DH being in on his own.

Not saving while at home but instead getting used to loads of disposable income can be a big problem for returners. That is why parents who don't need rent still charge, sometimes secretly saving it for their adult child to be handed back when they are in need.

Want2beme · 16/06/2020 23:04

Tell him that the house rules have changed now that he is a grown man. That you won't be his housekeeper when he's staying with you, whilst looking for his own place.

Original poster
canalboater26 · 16/06/2020 23:17

My mum loves it when my brother and I go back home and does everything for us... it's her pleasure, she wants to even though I tell her to sit down so I can take over. She just wants to see us as her babies again when we are with her.

Absolutely, and so do I when they come back for weekends or for Christmas etc. There's a huge difference between that and moving back in indefinitely as some kind of lifestyle choice.

OP posts:
FriedasCarLoad · 16/06/2020 23:29

Maybe you can tell him that you're happy to do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry for the first fortnight, since he's had a tough time, and then you'll sit down together and discuss his contribution.

And then maybe he could have 6 months rent free on the grounds that he pulls his weight around the house, is a considerate "lodger", and saves up a deposit.

Then he needs to find his own place.

That would still be very generous of you and very helpful to him, but with boundaries in place.

Firefliess · 16/06/2020 23:31

I'm in the same boat OP. 22 year old DSD was part way through a post-degree gap year and has ended up back home as her plans feel apart. Now she's just heard that the job she has lined up for September is likely to be working from home, so she's thinking she'll stay here rather than move to a new town where she doesn't know anyone. I can see that makes sense but not sure how it'll be having her with us full time. We've had my DS with us for the last two years, but these were aged 18-20 as he did an apprenticeship, so it's a bit different for DSD to be getting used to being back at home after living away for 4+ years. I can't see how you can say no though. And do think their generation is having such an utterly shit time with lockdown. DS has paid towards food, so DSD will too once she gets a job. Doing their own laundry and cooking once a week helps too. But there's no denying that it's still more work having more people at home.

Barryisland · 16/06/2020 23:47

Dont be mean - he’s your son. Its still his home even when he’s left and had a home of his own. I would hate to think my children werent welcome in their family jome.

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/06/2020 23:51

Is he 21, or is he 29?

ZombieFan · 16/06/2020 23:52

Maybe I am different from everyone else, but my home is my sons home and I would love him to live with me forever if he wanted to.

Wer2Next · 16/06/2020 23:58

Is it too much to have an extra plate of dinner for him since you would be cooking anyway?

Sounds like you dont like him very much, this is your son.

billy1966 · 17/06/2020 00:04

OP,

You are not alone in this situation.

It has been a by product of the Pandemic.

It is challenging.

My friends that have 3 or 4 children in their 20's returning do a lot of walking.

Some returned from abroad, others from college.
Vastly different from a weeks holidays.

I think it is very important you discuss it with your husband.

I think it is better to start as you mean to go.
Do you presently do everything in the house?
If you do it will be more difficult.

No one can force you to do all his laundry and cook every meal.

Prepare your husband honestly for the fact that you work part time and that you do enough.

That you expect them both to do their share, in particular, cooking.

Also that this isn't open ended.

That you will see how it goes.

Be honest with your son.
Tell him he is welcome but that it is not a holiday situation.
He is in his 20's...will have to pay rent, pull his weight and contribute.

If this causes drama, perhaps its not the best plan.

If your husband doesn't support you, then you have a husband problem.
Flowers

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