Not to want my DS moving back In permanently?

[canalboater26]

Adult ds (in 20s) has been made redundant and could be packing up his rented house in a month's time and moving back in.

Whilst I am happy to offer him a home whilst he's on hard times as any good parent would, I don't wish to have a permanent lodger. He currently lives 200 miles away and is looking for a job where he lives, but has also applied for some jobs locally to us. He seems to think it's fine for him to just move in here and sees it as a good opportunity to save money.

We get on fine, but quite honestly we enjoy having the house to ourselves these days. What also concerns me is that I work part time, and I can see him reverting to his 16 year old self and expecting me to be chief cook/laundry maid and general P.A. just because I'm here and available and he's out at work all day. He's perfectly capable of taking care of himself but because I'm at home it will seem petty to say "cook your own dinner" etc.

AIBU? I don't want to cause him any more stress by telling him outright that we don't want him moving in long term, he's got enough to deal with at the moment.

At the very least, make him do his own laundry and take sole responsibility for some chores!

I would suggest you tell him you’re very happy to help whilst he’s between jobs, but he will need to find his own place within a month or two of finding a job. And add “you’ll be sick of us by then anyway!”

And there speaks the woman whose stepson has been living with them for 5 years since age 22...

Have a think beforehand about guests and visitors.

Will you be willing to have a girlfriend overnight? What about a tinder hookup?

Can his mates pop round? If so will you find it rude if they loiter in the sitting room or kitchen? Or if he has friends that don't acknowledge you and go straight to his room or raid your cupboards?

Set how much rent do you want now and how much when he gets a job.

What if after a while you think any job is better than the right one?

I went back to my parents at 24, 6 years after I'd left, I'd left my bf in the middle of the night and knew my parents would welcome me home.

I only lasted about a month before I found a friend to move in with, I found it really hard to cook my own food and do my washing with my mum hovering around me 24/7 plus she kept vacuuming outside my room when I had a hangover 😂

What also concerns me is that I work part time, and I can see him reverting to his 16 year old self and expecting me to be chief cook/laundry maid and general P.A. just because I'm here and available and he's out at work all day.

This will only happen if you allow it. Make it crystal clear, before he even moves back in, that you are not his maid and he will be responsible for looking after himself, and he will also be expected to help with tasks around the house. He will only revert to acting like a child if you let him.

I think you just need ground rules regarding housework etc, why do you think you may be expected to do it all? Does DH do any of the cooking cleaning washing ironing etc?
It would be mean to cook a meal and not include him, cooking for one more person isnt any extra work, however he may want to do his own meals . I expect he will also find it hard after having his own space. I have teenagers still at home but I think in your shoes I would welcome them back , just make sure he tidies up after himself.

Maybe I am different from everyone else, but my home is my sons home and I would love him to live with me forever if he wanted to.

That is easily the most unhealthy thing I've ever read on MN.

I moved back in with my parents woth my 2 children and 2 dogs,following a relationship break up.
I had lived 200miles away for 10yrs and visited every 3 mths prior, it was hard for all to adjust.
But I was stuck and needed to recoup for 3 months, it was hard to move back in, my parents drove me insane...BUT I was so greatful for their support at that time...
From the start though, I told them it would be 3 mths max if ok, Id care for myself and children and help with all the household chores, pay for food & pay rent (They wouldbt accept rent )
Id definietly put boundaries in place and time limit

I'm in this situation, only for the last few months and it has not been good. There have been a couple of major arguments, we haven't argued for years so they have definitely been caused by his return. It is very hard to get him to do anything, he says he will help but is very reluctant when asked, eats like a horse and doesn't contribute anything and has generally reverted to childhood and being looked after by mummy rather than an adult who should contribute equally to household chores so I feel your pain. He's off soon and we will revert to our old easy, loving relationship but I'm not sure if I could put up with it much longer. No real advice, except to put your foot down about behaviours that you are not willing to accept.

I think your post is really sad talking about him as a lodger. I get the same vibe as another poster, that essentially you don't like him very much.

I appreciate the concerns, but you have birth to him, changed his nappies, taught him to tie his shoes, looked after him through primary and high school, and now it seems inconceivable to have a conversation? ‘It’d be great to see more of you ds but we do need to make sure we are all on the same page. We have done our years of living with a 16 year old, as an adult living here we expect you to pitch in. So that will be choosing a couple of days a week you shop and cook dinner for everyone, buying your own cereal etc, doing your own laundry and tidying, helping clear up dinner, and when you find a job a contribution towards bills. I’m sure you had all this in mind anyway but best to get it out into the open.

If he's been made redundant - then he should be applying for employment and housing benefits....and looking for a new job.

He will see it as a total waste of money renting when we have a bedroom here
He seems to think he's entitled to the bank of mum and dad taking responsibility for him when he feels that 'adulting' is too much responsibility!
Is he going to do this every time he loses a job?

Personally, i think you should just say no, he can apply for benefits or find a house-share and learn how to look after himself as an adult when out of work.

You already know you don't want him back - so how about putting yourself first for a change?

He's not earning, or claiming benefits - so will he be expecting you to finance his food, toiletries and spending money and share of bills?
I bet he will magically always have money for beer and socialising....perhaps he should be using that to fund his rent?

He won't pay rent to you when he's out of work - so you'll be paying for all his costs.
There will be no hurry to get any job as he can afford to be picky now - what with not having any financial responsibilities...
When he starts working, I bet he refuses to pay rent/bills on the basis that he's saving for a flat/deposit for a mortgage.....
You already know he will revert to teen years re housework and the 'womens work' will fall to you- AGAIN!

You've done all this, been there and got the t-shirt - and sent him out into the world to be his own man.
It's time you shrunk that t-shirt....and refused to be emotionally blackmailed.

His attitude stinks to be honest - he's told you to your face he EXPECTS to live with you - and for free!
Is this how you and your dh raised him?
Cos he got this sense of entitlement from somewhere....

YANBU to dislike it and even refuse it. But considering the way the housing market is nowadays even before coronavirus, and the expected impact of the virus, if your son can live with you for a period of time that could give him a decent leg-up.

Why are people in the UK so against inter-generational families?

@ZombieFan

Why are people in the UK so against inter-generational families?

God knows. I find it bizarre that so many posters rushed on to say how ridiculous a notion allowing your child to live at home past a completely arbitrary age would be. We've even had "what would make him so entitled? I can totally see why some kids wouldn't bloody want to go back.

I'm not sure they are against inter generational living @zombie, I think they are against grown up kids who expect to move home and revert to childhood where mum does everything for them. Maybe if inter generational living was the norm there would be different expectations of who does what growing up.

For goodness sake, why are people saying that the OP must not love DS enough just because she doesn't want to wait on him hand and foot if he moves back in?

We are in the 21st century aren't we!

monkeymonkey2010 - what are you going on about? You've made up a load of nonsense based of one comment the OP made. Not everyone hates their own children.

She doesn't have to wait on him hand and foot if he moves in! It doesn't actually matter if he expects this or not.

Set some rules. I have 7 adults, including my DC, DSS and their girlfriends, in my house for lockdown. There is a cooking rota and everyone does their own washing and cleans. We have one big meal round the table at night and no one is allowed to make a racket late at night as I am working in the morning. I am really enjoying having them all home and will be sad when they go. The standard of catering is also a lot higher than when I am in charge.

It's a bit embarrassing that you can't have a conversation about this with your own son, isn't it? Woman up.

OP, you aren't crazy! But as they say, you don't have a DS problem, you have a DH problem. Well, you have both, apparently. The gentlemen in your life have become way too comfortable with a high level of service. Perhaps before he comes, you can make a lovely list of father-son projects you expect the two of them to complete together, and you can also let your son know you'll be glad to have him around so he can help you with some heavy duty projects that you havcen't been able to get to yet---emptying out old stuff from the attic or repainting the garage, whatever.

Personally I would always let my kids move back home no matter how old they are. I don’t see the problem with cooking for him if you’re already cooking. I’d expect him to do his own washing and ironing, tidy up after himself and maybe cook a meal when he’s in.

Oh give over those of you saying I can't like him much etc. My dc have wanted for nothing their wholes lives, and I've supported both of them financially and practically all the way. They both often come home at weekends and get 5 star welcomes! That's very different to moving back in after 5+ years away.

As much as I'd be happy to help out temporarily in times of need, I don't want to be a full time three adult household and it will involve much more than plating up an extra dinner. I guarantee I'll get texts in the day with things like "could you pick up my dry cleaning when you're in town pls"/"I'm out straight after dinner, could you iron my white shirt as I won't get time" etc etc, all the same sort of things I used to end up doing because I was a kind/too soft mum but don't want to end up back in the same position.

Thanks to those who see where I'm coming from, if it happens I guess some ground rules will be discussed.

I would put a rota up, and enjoy a few nights a week where he cooks and clears up! If he can't do anight, ask him to make a note of swopped night! Don't do his washing. Tell him the evenings the machine will be free. If he asks you to iron shirts and pick things up, ENDLESSLY text back 'sorry, out with the girls'.