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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want my DS moving back In permanently?

146 replies

canalboater26 · 16/06/2020 14:39

Adult ds (in 20s) has been made redundant and could be packing up his rented house in a month's time and moving back in.

Whilst I am happy to offer him a home whilst he's on hard times as any good parent would, I don't wish to have a permanent lodger. He currently lives 200 miles away and is looking for a job where he lives, but has also applied for some jobs locally to us. He seems to think it's fine for him to just move in here and sees it as a good opportunity to save money.

We get on fine, but quite honestly we enjoy having the house to ourselves these days. What also concerns me is that I work part time, and I can see him reverting to his 16 year old self and expecting me to be chief cook/laundry maid and general P.A. just because I'm here and available and he's out at work all day. He's perfectly capable of taking care of himself but because I'm at home it will seem petty to say "cook your own dinner" etc.

AIBU? I don't want to cause him any more stress by telling him outright that we don't want him moving in long term, he's got enough to deal with at the moment.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 17/06/2020 07:58

This is obviously bothering you so needs tackling. After all it’s your house your rules.
Speak to your husband about your concerns , how helpful is he? If he is a lazy .... your son will copy his example.
Speak to your son, set ground rules that work for you.
First in cooks ? If you are making a drink ask if anyone wants one?
Overnight visitors ? Do you want strange women etc in your house expecting breakfast?
With regard to washing , his clothes his responsibility.. . Unless he’s prepared to wash everyone else’s too ?
There’s lots of pictures you can get to hang up & emphasis this

Just remember some mumsnetter May end up with your son , wouldnt they appreciate having a partner whose Mum had trained him to be helpful around the house & not a lazy man child !

Bluntness100 · 17/06/2020 08:01

Why would he need to cook for the entire household if he gets back late from work?

RaeCJ82 · 17/06/2020 08:04

There's a huge difference between that and moving back in indefinitely as some kind of lifestyle choice.

Slightly harsh, he's been made redundant at a really crappy time. Hardly a "lifestyle choice" to think he's okay to ask his parents for help through a hard time.
I guess it's different views, but my DD will always have a home in my house if she needs it, as I had in my mum's house when she was alive.
Just make sure you lay down some ground rules re. housework and cooking etc. and maybe just place a little bit of faith in your son that he'll follow these and not take the proverbial....

CecilyP · 17/06/2020 08:09

What also concerns me is that I work part time, and I can see him reverting to his 16 year old self and expecting me to be chief cook/laundry maid and general P.A.

Surely, you and DH will be having dinner anyway and it’s not too much work to make an extra portion. Sticking a few extra clothes into an automatic washing machine does not make you a laundry maid and you’ll be cleaning your house to your own standard anyway. If you are having lunch you can make extra; if not, he can make his own. You can insist he cleans his own room.

DS was home on and off till 25 and it was no trouble - I coped and even with working full time!

Firefliess · 17/06/2020 08:24

I think if you and your OH both work full time, or you're a single parent then it is a bit easier. The OP has chosen to take on most of the domestic chores and work P/t while her OH works longer hours to support them both. That's a much harder dynamic to welcome another adult in to. Because she'd be asking him to do things for himself that she's doing for her OH. Might just about work if the DS is unemployed (as he has plenty time) but harder if he is out at work like his dad and she is doing all the laundry, cooking, etc for her and her DH but expecting the DS to cook for himself. And if his dad never cooks for himself after work, why should he? I'm not saying she shouldn't try to get him to do his share, but it is a harder dynamic to make it work

AJPTaylor · 17/06/2020 08:25

I hear you sister!
Dd1, 25 moved here from London at lockdown. Has now been made redundant. Would rather she was here than alone but I am hoping she gets a new job and place soon.

mrsmuddlepies · 17/06/2020 08:33

It must be harder if you have a traditional role and only work part time. My children grew up with me working full time and they always pulled their weight with household chores. We always had a cleaner which helped. We loved having them back as adults. They are nice people and always did stuff without asking. They are good company . It certainly helped the transition to treating them like adults.

Weenurse · 17/06/2020 08:33

2 adult DD here.
We had a house meeting and divided up the chores and cooking, they do their own washing.
They did try to push some back on me , but I dug in my heels and refused.
Good luck

Northernparent68 · 17/06/2020 08:57

Op, I was wondering if you’re angry with yourself for having done too much for him in the past ?

Original poster
canalboater26 · 17/06/2020 09:22

Slightly harsh, he's been made redundant at a really crappy time. Hardly a "lifestyle choice" to think he's okay to ask his parents for help through a hard time.

We are more than happy to support through the hard time, my concern is that he's started talking of getting a job locally to us deliberately, just so he can live here and it will be cheaper for him!

OP posts:
Original poster
canalboater26 · 17/06/2020 09:27

Op, I was wondering if you’re angry with yourself for having done too much for him in the past ?

I wouldn't say I'm angry at myself no. By some MN standards I was probably a bit soft on them when they lived at home, I gave them a lot of support etc. However, they've both managed to live on their own very successfully since then so they aren't lazy or useless (only when they come back here and tend to treat it like a little holiday from life!)

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/06/2020 09:28

Making an extra plate of something isn't adding to your workload. What will add to your workload is having two other adults in the house yet you being the only one who makes the evening meal. Tell ds and dh they are each responsible for cooking two meals each per week. You pick up the other three. Let them decide who does which days. Everyone does their own breakfast and lunches.

Laundry - Tell him he does his own.

Housework - all three of you crack on with a big clean every Saturday morning. It would be done in an hour. He can flick the vacuum round once mid week too.

Assure him the moment he starts a new job he will have rent to pay to you.

Babyroobs · 17/06/2020 09:32

My DS ( almost 21) is home form Uni for longer than we thought due to the virus and I've had enough already ! He sleeps all day until 5pm, then is up all night shouting at his Xbox, is fussy about what food is provided and never offers to do a thing around the house. It's infuriating when we are trying to work all hours from home.

Ariela · 17/06/2020 09:42

Will you be charging him rent while he's looking for a job?
If not, then I'd say in lieu of rent these jobs will need doing - and delegate the cooking and cleaning entirely to him. He might change his mind about moving in.

topclip1 · 17/06/2020 09:43

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Smelborp · 17/06/2020 09:44

@whatshappeninginthisworld it’s easier to be ‘old-fashioned’ when you’re the one on the receiving end of being babied, but to be the one doing all the work with no end in sight is something else.

I agree ground rules are needed OP.

Jaxhog · 17/06/2020 09:50

You need to set out some ground rules before he comes e.g. chores, length of time, curfews etc. And get your DH's agreement that he will stand by these too.

brakethree · 17/06/2020 09:58

I don't agree with posters regarding the 'just plate up an extrra meal, how hard is it'. Where does this stop? There is a difference between the arrangement between you and your DH regarding 'work' and your children coming home.

Why do we assume that you need to say anything to him? Surely a grown adult who has worked and lived away from home knows how to run their life and their house? They should be assuming they will be doing all their laundry, changing and washing bed linen, cleaning up after themselves in the kitchen etc. BTW I am not pointing the finger at you and your DS but there are quite a few threads on things like this and perhaps us women (who this all normally falls to) should change the way we act or react towards this - men never seem to assume they need to think and deal with this stuff. The result will be he will have to talk to you about it and frankly, what's he going to say 'muuuuum why aren't you looking after me like I'm 5'!

Ellmau · 17/06/2020 10:00

CHARGE. HIM. RENT.

At least enough to cover his food etc.

And don't do his laundry or clean his room.

Cooking for him OK, but make him do the washing up/clear dishwasher/peel a few potatoes/lay table/SOMETHING. Or he cooks one night in three.

Sceptre86 · 17/06/2020 10:06

I can appreciate where you are coming from and there is a very big difference to him just being home for a weekend now and again to all the time. He has gotten used to living away so establishing your own house rules is very important. I would be talking to your dh so that you are both on the same page. I would probably cook for him but I wouldn't do a 20 year olds laundry. I also wouldn't be cleaning his room or the bathroom after him. Also you need to set boundaries for partners staying overnight etc.

It is great that you are helping him out by offering him a place to stay but just because you are his mother doesn't mean you need to be a martyr. He is an adult and should be quite capable of pulling his weight. I think clear conversation between you and your dh as to what your expectations and boundaries are so needed first. Then sit your son down and explain that to him. If he slacks pull him up sooner rather than later. Do not let an adult behave like a overgrown teenager in your home. You might be pleasantly surprised by him!

starrynight87 · 17/06/2020 10:13

You just need to set up clear boundaries and expectations.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 17/06/2020 10:16

Ive got 2 sons aged 21 and 23....when they come home for the summer uni break my house goes to pot....my eldest is nocturnal so cooks food at 11pm at night...i wake at 7am and walk into a kitchen that looks like a bomb has gone off...i dread coming home from work as i know im going to walk into a nightmare.
Im a single parent so no husband to back me up and i feel so exhausted by the time they go back in September.
I completely understand Op's views...as much as i love my kids i dont want to live with them anymore.

GreytExpectations · 17/06/2020 10:18

Your attitude seems very cold, OP. You don't have to be a maid to your ds. It seems odd you are making all these assumptions instead of just talking to him

I'm fortunate that my own parents always made it clear that I'd be welcome in their home no matter what age I was and I know if I was ever to be hit by hard times, there is space for me in their home. Seems like mumsnet have this attitude where kids aren't welcomed back home and I find that quite sad

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 17/06/2020 10:29

I had the same thing op, DS (23) came home after uni, working for a year then travelling. He got a job locally but poor salary so can’t afford to move out, he pays us ‘rent’ but I mainly do his laundry and Dh DS and I take turns in cooking, he helps around the house when asked, I don’t venture into his room as he’s not the tidiest 😟I did worry that he would either spend all his time in his room or doss around when he was furloughed but he has adapted and whilst he does spend a lot of time up there he is staying occupied by learning to play pian, gaming with friends online, learning Spanish and planning his next travels when he can . he has at weekends evenings sat with us watching stuff on tv. I was concerned it would ruin our relationship but he has matured a lot and is really good company so we have got used to him being here more or less permanently. Not great for the old sex life though 😟as he is always here. Looking forward to lockdown easing or hopefully him being able to go back to work if he still has a job ( travel trade)

Wallywobbles · 17/06/2020 10:38

This is my nightmare to be honest. I've been very clear from when they were really small that we wouldn't be a long term adult option. Rent would be required along with all the help/cooking they are required to do anyway.

I'm slightly surprised that you can't have a conversation with both DH and DS about this. I'd sit everyone down by Skype or whatever and say you are worried about the impact on you and on your relationship with both of them. And explain your reasons.

Tell him he will be cooking 3 x week, paying rent and utilities, cleaning or participating to paying for a cleaner.

Tell DH that he needs to take you into consideration and that at this point in your lives you are the priority.

And tell them it's on x months trial.

And the above is non negotiable.

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