Not to want my DS moving back In permanently?

[canalboater26]

Adult ds (in 20s) has been made redundant and could be packing up his rented house in a month's time and moving back in.

Whilst I am happy to offer him a home whilst he's on hard times as any good parent would, I don't wish to have a permanent lodger. He currently lives 200 miles away and is looking for a job where he lives, but has also applied for some jobs locally to us. He seems to think it's fine for him to just move in here and sees it as a good opportunity to save money.

We get on fine, but quite honestly we enjoy having the house to ourselves these days. What also concerns me is that I work part time, and I can see him reverting to his 16 year old self and expecting me to be chief cook/laundry maid and general P.A. just because I'm here and available and he's out at work all day. He's perfectly capable of taking care of himself but because I'm at home it will seem petty to say "cook your own dinner" etc.

AIBU? I don't want to cause him any more stress by telling him outright that we don't want him moving in long term, he's got enough to deal with at the moment.

I would welcome my dc with open arms for however long they wanted to stay. My parents would do the same. I think that’s what families are for.

OP, just disregard the horrible posts.
Some people just need to be mean.

I think you know and love your son.

But you don't feel like being his PA again.

Him coming back for a bit while stuck is one thing.
Him assuming I'll move home to a job nearby, and live off my parents is a completely different proposition.

I know from friends that the lure of all in rent, food, utilities and PA (mum, will you pick up this and that!!) for 50 quid a week is bĺoody attractive, especially as we are in a very urban setting.

Not everyone wants a house full of late 20's coming and going.

I get that.

Completely separate to be there for them if they were very stuck.

I have son's.....they are very quick to try and use me as their PA(personal assistant).

Not in their best interests for me to do this.

How many women end up with mean wasters that have come straight from home paying next to nothing for their expenses.

OP, you know your son, start as you mean to go.
That would definitely mean NO to PA jobs.
No laundry. Irregular meals, only if it is convenient. Tell him NOT to expect his meals etc.
By not charging him, it will make moving out again, deeply unattractive.

They get used to a large disposable income. Not reasonable. He should pay you 1/3 of his income. Even if you end giving some of it back later. Take it.

You are not being unreasonable at all.

Some posters seem to be missing the fact that you're entirely happy to help out whilst he's in a difficult situation, you just don't want him planning future jobs around the assumption of staying with you long term. That's totally fine.

Like plenty of others, I know that if I needed to move back with parents I could. Emphasis on the need. They might be open to a short period to enable me to save money towards a deposit, but I don't know and it would be a conversation not an assumption. Abuse/redundancy/similar - I could turn up on their door without warning and be welcomed with open arms.

I would also be worried about him falling back into acting the child and I think it's often a hard dynamic to break.

I'd think a kind but firm conversation should be able to get this across (you're welcome short term but for our relationships sake any longer is a different discussion) BUT it depends on whether your husband is likely to undermine you.

I really feel for you and I'm 25 so much more his age than his!

*much more his age than yours

I would not mind my son moving back home for a few years because he just gets on with household chores without being asked.
I'd just laugh if he expected me to run around after him and he knows it.

The answer to all those "Can you just..."
Texts should be what did your last slave die of, or ask your father.
If you shut them down quickly they'll not multiply.

Best of luck.

@madcatladyforever. I agree completely. I think having your children home as adults is brilliant for getting to know them as people. Mine have always done stuff, not so much because I insisted on it but because I worked and everyone pulled their weight. I used to feel a wee bit embarrassed when they hung up washing, including my pants and my husband's pants. My problem, not theirs. They are brilliant at taking responsibility for domestic chores in their own homes.
I used to ask my sons if they minded me working full time and they were always so supportive and felt me being out a lot gave them independence. I never had to ask for a cup of tea .
I loved having them around as teenagers and post university adults. It helped both sides see each other as people and adults. It has had a positive result on our relationships with them as adults.
I think all parents and children should have a time of living together as adults, you really start to appreciate each other as people.

I read Gransnet and there are always threads on there about women who work part time or not at all and dread their husbands retiring and having to share the house.

Happy you were not my mum when I needed to move back home because I was made redundant .

In the future you might be the one knocking on his door op.

Set some ground rules and try to be a bit less selfish and a bit more warmer towards your permanent lodger, I mean son.

@Yeahnahmum

Happy you were not my mum when I needed to move back home because I was made redundant .

In the future you might be the one knocking on his door op.

Set some ground rules and try to be a bit less selfish and a bit more warmer towards your permanent lodger, I mean son.

Bloody nora. The major point of her post is that she knows she might drift into being too selfless and could well end up being the maid and PA.

Ignore the horrible comments about how you are a mean mother. Most people agree that is bullshit.

My brother separated and moved home aged 33 and my mother ended up being his PA / house keeper / mother. They both ended up hating it. My mam because we were all gone at that stage and my mam and dad were enjoying their own time and space and my brother felt like he was being treated like a kid. He moved out after about 3 months and things went back to the way they were. If it had been much longer we could have been talking about family fall outs.

@Smelborp as I said my mum loves it not dreading it ... OP seems to be dreading it.

If DS ever needed me I'll be there for him and he will always be welcomed to his home if he ever goes through a hard patch. We all need our parents support when we are in trouble, that's what parents do. Being a parent doesn't stop when your child turns 18.

I'm not saying it's ok for her to do the laundry or babysit her grown up son however she still cooks dinner and don't see why she can't keep some for him when he gets back from work. He obviously wants to work and to get back on his feet. I'd be more worried if he was on benefits and not bothered to make a living.

If my brother or I ever needed to go home and live home for whatever reason my parents would welcome us and we would help out in return.

^*Your attitude seems very cold, OP. You don't have to be a maid to your ds. It seems odd you are making all these assumptions instead of just talking to him

I'm fortunate that my own parents always made it clear that I'd be welcome in their home no matter what age I was and I know if I was ever to be hit by hard times, there is space for me in their home. Seems like mumsnet have this attitude where kids aren't welcomed back home and I find that quite sad*^

This ☝️

This is my nightmare to be honest. I've been very clear from when they were really small that we wouldn't be a long term adult option.
Wow. How old were they exactly, when you specified the age past which they would no longer be welcome to live in your home?

You need to make it clear it’s not a holiday. If you working PT means you’re expected to carry the domestic load, him not working at all should mean he takes it all on to begin with.

I would start with that....great to have you home, DS, while you get back on your feet. As you’re here all day, please can you [insert long list of chores].....

Setting ground rules about who he can bring into the house makes sense as well so you’re not confronted by half-dressed randoms at breakfast

@Mrsmuddlepuddles

Absolutely agree, people make a rod for their own backs when their children are at home doing everything for them so they can't adult properly then they dislike them as adults.
Part of parenting is teaching them responsibility.

Thank you @madcatladyforever . I really enjoy both my adult sons' company. They always make me laugh and they are really kind. As grandparents now, we do lots of child care and feel fortunate to be involved in their lives. I am glad that they see their father and I, as people as well as Mum and Dad.
I do think having them back to live as adults helps to establish real respect and friendship on both sides.
Our house always felt like a family house and that we all had rights and helped one another. The parents who trot out the line 'whilst you are under my roof.....' do not always have a great relationship with grown up children.
I am so proud of them both. We would do anything to help them.

Only to add I sympathise with you OP and that amongst the PPs who don’t get the idea of not wanting more domestic responsibilities even though you do love your adult children, there is a lot of good advice. My DCs are older teenagers at the moment and I work part time and I find it hard to get them to do much at all, if I don’t do it the place is a mess! No one else cares! So I get where you are coming from and if Covid had taken place in 5 years time, I suspect I might have found myself in a similar position.

@Thisismytimetoshine - the conversation has always gone that when they are 18 and have a place of their own they can make their own rules, but while under my roof the house rules are mine. They know they have a place in our home as long as they are in full-time education, but if they are working, living at home is temporary.

I think the expectation the children have of themselves in their progress towards becoming independent adults is important. My opinion. They know have that I have their backs come hell or high water.

We don't live in the UK although I'm not sure that's relevant. I left home at 16 unofficially, 18 officially as did all my siblings.

Forgive me if this sounds nasty, but it's little wonder they left at 18. Who'd want to stay when they felt as welcome as an infestation of vermin?
Imagine having it drummed into you your whole life that you're there under sufferance until you're 18th birthday?!
I didn't, and I grew up, moved out and live an independent life just fine.
I fully expect my children to do the same.

your

Your attitude seems very cold, OP. You don't have to be a maid to your ds. It seems odd you are making all these assumptions instead of just talking to him

I'm assuming he doesn't find me cold and unwelcoming, since he regularly comes for weekends and finds his bed freshly made up, favourite snacks and beers in the fridge, and delicious home cooked meals to look forward to. And I enjoy having him here for those little breaks, I just don't fancy doing it on a semi permanent
basis.

You treat him as a guest when he comes to stay for the weekend, because he is one. If he lives there he won't be. Don't over think this.

One of my daughters is here for 4 weeks until her own flat becomes vacant when tenants leave but that is fine as it is definitely time limited. I would not want one here forever.

My DS moved in with me last year he was going through hard times. This isn't a home he grew up in l live with a new DP now. We set down ground rules. He had to get a job pay £100 towards food and bills and he had 6months to find his own flat. It was hard he is in his mid 20s hadn't lived with me for 5years. But it worked ok. Took 8 monthd but he got his own place.

I cooked for him if l was cooking as seemed churlish not to. Not much difference between cooking for 3than 2. But if l wasn't cooking he bought his own food.
Just about to do same for my DD l can't say no she lost her job due to virus. I expect she will be here longer as there are no jobs. I won't charge her any mone
Set a time limit and stick to it if you worried. X