Not to want my DS moving back In permanently?

[canalboater26]

Adult ds (in 20s) has been made redundant and could be packing up his rented house in a month's time and moving back in.

Whilst I am happy to offer him a home whilst he's on hard times as any good parent would, I don't wish to have a permanent lodger. He currently lives 200 miles away and is looking for a job where he lives, but has also applied for some jobs locally to us. He seems to think it's fine for him to just move in here and sees it as a good opportunity to save money.

We get on fine, but quite honestly we enjoy having the house to ourselves these days. What also concerns me is that I work part time, and I can see him reverting to his 16 year old self and expecting me to be chief cook/laundry maid and general P.A. just because I'm here and available and he's out at work all day. He's perfectly capable of taking care of himself but because I'm at home it will seem petty to say "cook your own dinner" etc.

AIBU? I don't want to cause him any more stress by telling him outright that we don't want him moving in long term, he's got enough to deal with at the moment.

You may then find yourself enjoying a whole new adult relationship with him!!

Honestly, we have a great relationship. I worry that him moving back in will ruin it 😬

And being unavailable is a great idea...I'll just be busy doing other things and book lots of weekends away (assuming we are allowed!)

I guarantee I'll get texts in the day with things like "could you pick up my dry cleaning when you're in town pls"/"I'm out straight after dinner, could you iron my white shirt as I won't get time" etc etc, all the same sort of things I used to end up doing because I was a kind/too soft mum but don't want to end up back in the same position.

As well as just saying no, I would also try going on the offensive and sending him lots of texts of the same sort- ask him to get your dry cleaning, oh will be late home today can you leave me a plate, just bombard him

I moved out at 21, I'm now a 35 year old proud homeowner and I still go there (pre lockdown) once a week for my dinner, I sit in a chair and my Mum puts a plate on my lap - a meal I've preordered - asks me do I want red or brown sauce and pours me a glass of diet coke, she also takes it all away when I've finished 🙈 my Dad sits in his chair shaking his head and asks me if the bread is the right type, do I want it cut into Mickey Mouse shapes etc, just generally rips the piss.

Would they let me move back in if I lost my house? Would they bollocks and rightly so! 😂

If he's often texting asking for favours, could you reciprocate? Ask him to iron something for you, or pick something up when he's Inn town? It would help build the idea of being both adults

Enough with the "you must not like your son" remarks. I adore my DC, and if they had to move back here in an emergency of course I'd welcome them, but that doesn't mean to say it would be easy. Depends on the DC as well. I don't prefer any one of them over any other (sorry DS1 !) but some are easier to live with than others...

I think, as well, if you don't live with someone for a number of years you kind of grow apart, and are no longer just subconsciously blotting out their more annoying little ways - it grates! Obviously you want to do things your way as you've been getting used to for the last half a decade, and no doubt the adult child will also have been getting used to doing their own thing in their own place. It's quite different from them not ever having left.

The posts suggesting you don't like him very much really piss me off!

My kids are now adults and I have had 2 move back home. One for just over a year and one for 4 months.
We had agreed ground rules eg cleaning up after themselves, doing their own washing and helping towards meals. It lasted a few weeks and then ended up as parent and child instead of 2 adults. I constantly was on their backs about leaving my house a mess, washing left in the machine for a day or two,

It put a strain on our relationship and I was glad when they moved back out. To me adult children living at home need to pull their weight, you see so many posts where mainly women are complaining their partners expect them to do all the housework and run round after them because that's what their mums do.

My Mum used to charge 2 different levels of rent.
We paid bed and board. - somewhere to sleep and an evening meal
Or Maid Service - cooking and cleaning laundry buying our favorite groceries getting us up in the morning. Even reminding when a new buspass needed buying.
The difference was significant. We all worked full time including her. She didn't mind doing it but we had to pay for the privilege.

I'd work out a rota if he comes back - he cooks dinner for everyone on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for instance. And he does the laundry half the time . Don't start by doing everything ! Present him with the rota on Day1 and enforce it, rather than waiting and then saying " cook your own dinner".

I would do two things, I would as others have said, DS can stay with you but he must pay some rent, and look after his own needs. Whether you chose to save the 'rent' money and give it back to him when he leaves that's up to you.

I would also make it very clear to your DH that you not going to became the family servant while him and DS have fun watching football and having a beer. That DS is 20+ and has been living independently and a fully functioning adult and that you expect that to continue while living at home.

We had agreed ground rules eg cleaning up after themselves, doing their own washing and helping towards meals. It lasted a few weeks and then ended up as parent and child instead of 2 adults. I constantly was on their backs about leaving my house a mess, washing left in the machine for a day or two,

And this is exactly what worries me. I'm sure he will agree to all ground rules to start with, but if he's getting back from work late I'm sure he won't be wanting to cook for the household.

Admittedly we do have quite a traditional set up at home simply because DH works long hours and I've always worked P/T, so I have more time to do stuff around the home. I'm happy to look after him as he provides for me, that doesn't mean I want to look after an extra one.

Don't be so pessimistic, OP. Set rules that you won't fetch his stuff at random or pick up after his mess; you should have stopped doing that years ago. I hope you decide to be more supportive. Job/financial situation is very stressful for young people right now.

Have you been doing all the domestic workload all this time for everyone? Don't do that.

OP, you say you only work part time as if you have chosen to take some responsibility for domestic issues. Both mine moved home post university until they got sorted.I worked full time and we had a cleaner so I didn't feel so responsible for domestic stuff.They were used to me working and being busy and they totally understood the need to help.
One son cooked lots ( he is a great cook). The other did all the ironing ( his idea, not mine). I loved having them home but I was busy at work and I appreciated their company and help.
If you only work part time and you have got used to having the house to yourself and few domestic responsibilities and a lot of leisure, it might seem daunting. We loved sharing with adult children and I think it strengthened our relationships with them as adults. Both have chosen to settle with their families near us and we are fortunate to be an important part of their lives.

Does he have savings? Or is he just expecting you to fund him through this?

You need ground rules and explain to him that this is like he is still living independently, so if he wants a shirt ironed, he does it, dry cleaning collection? he gets it himself.

He should be making family dinners too. He could always batch cook something at the weekend if he manages to get a job. But you need to have a discussion about visitors, food, money, housework and how long he is planning to stay if he gets a job locally. You need to tell him that if he reverts back to being a teenager you will kick him out, and mean it.

When my 3 moved back in due to Covid (DC1 was on leave from work, DC2 1 yr post graduation no job DC3 ending yr 2 uni) I told them it would only work if we split the chores and treated it like a house share rather than the old days. It worked reasonably well - we took it in turns to cook the evening meal and experimented with new recipes, cleaning has kind of gone by the board as there is so much extra 'stuff' in the house ! Its taken me ages to get used to not having my own space when i get home from work but its been lovely having them home - however I'm REALLY looking forward to this all being over!!

I think you just need to make sure that he is an adult now, and he needs to be responsible if he wants to live with you.
Once he gets new job, it may need changing rules, if he's coming back late everyday, it's not practical for him to cook for household, but give him other responsibilities? Or ask him to pay extra if he can't contribute to any house works.

I wouldn't set loads of ground rules, just the ones you care about, which seems to be - happy for you to come back until you find a job, but as soon as you find work, I'll be your guarantor and you need to move out. And you do your own washing, cooking and odd jobs. The favour is a roof, not a serviced apartment and restaurant. I'd also insist on a fair whack of his pay to save into an account for a deposit so he doesn't get the feeling he has loads of disposable income at home.

Yanbu OP. And all the people saying you dont like your son are mean.
I do wonder if your DH is an unhelpful or selfish partner though as there are lots of references to you cooking and doing the laundry. Does he not contribute?
I went home a few times in my 20s and it was miserable. I'd have been better off elsewhere.

I'm another who had DD1 and fiance move back in, had the chat about chores etc, peppercorn rent. After a few weeks they BOTH turned into recalcitrant teenagers. It was bloody awful and ruined our relationship for quite a while (sorted now but it's a period of time I'm careful never to mention and there's still an element of seething resentment). I'd actually recommend that you do the cooking, maybe suggest he does 1 or 2 nights a week. One problem I had was that they never cleaned the kitchen when they'd finished - they'd always 'do it tomorrow', except I got up an hour before them and then had to spend 20 mins just clearing a space to make some breakfast (and don't get me started on the puppy)....

I would make a rota for things like making dinner and washing up. That way he knows what is expected from the outset. I would also make a list of things he is solely responsible for e.g. his own ironing. Start off as you mean to go on with clear expectations on both sides.

You just need to explain that things will be different now he is a responsible adult and not a teenager anymore.
Set out the ways he will be expected to assist around the house, cleaning, laundry and maybe making dinner a couple of times a week. I would charge rent once he has a job just so that he is accustomed to some expenses and does not waste his disposable income. A friend of mine charged their DC rent and deposited some after bills were deducted into an account. When the DC went to move out and purchase a house they were given the money as a deposit. I liked the idea as a way of making your kids realise that staying at home is not a free easy option but also that the unexpected deposit boost was a great help but from their own income not frittered away on unnecessary luxuries.

I agree with the few posters here saying they would be happy to welcome their son home. One of mine has been home here for 3 months during lockdown and yes has reverted back to expecting me to do everything. To be honest I have enjoyed playing a mum again for that time and will be sorry to see him go. My home will always be my both my children's home whenever they need it, be it long or short stay.

OP, YANBU. "No, nope and ain't happening" shall be your mantra.