Not to want my DS moving back In permanently?

[canalboater26]

Adult ds (in 20s) has been made redundant and could be packing up his rented house in a month's time and moving back in.

Whilst I am happy to offer him a home whilst he's on hard times as any good parent would, I don't wish to have a permanent lodger. He currently lives 200 miles away and is looking for a job where he lives, but has also applied for some jobs locally to us. He seems to think it's fine for him to just move in here and sees it as a good opportunity to save money.

We get on fine, but quite honestly we enjoy having the house to ourselves these days. What also concerns me is that I work part time, and I can see him reverting to his 16 year old self and expecting me to be chief cook/laundry maid and general P.A. just because I'm here and available and he's out at work all day. He's perfectly capable of taking care of himself but because I'm at home it will seem petty to say "cook your own dinner" etc.

AIBU? I don't want to cause him any more stress by telling him outright that we don't want him moving in long term, he's got enough to deal with at the moment.

Sounds like you dont like him very much

I’ve noticed that this is the token, passive aggressive phrase of MN. Christ, is it too much to expect your adult offspring to stand on their own two feet after you’ve bent over backwards for them for 18+ years?

Wow, if this thread had been written by a step parent I wonder how the responses would differ?

Why do people charge extra adults they're not related to rent at all then? Or require them to pay a share of the bills? Or purchase their own food and cook it or throw out people who trash the house, leave the kitchen a bombsite? After all, it's no trouble at all to cook an extra portion and plate it up, stick more clothes in the washing machine and absorb the full cost of another adult in the home so that other adult has more money for going out and stuff? Honestly, they're just being mean, it's no bother at all.

FFS! You know him best and you have the measure of him. You were 'soft', in other words, they're entitled. I had to move back in with my parents for a few months after marital breakdown. NEVER once considered expecting either one of them to do a single bit of lifework for me and my mother never worked outside the home. In fact, I took most over most of the housework. I worked FT and would still cook for them, buy food and pay them rent. I insisted. I was the one ringing them before I left work to see if they needed anything I could pick up on my way home. Because I was an adult and they were doing me a favour.

'Oh, but it's your house, too!' REally? I never paid a bean towards their mortgage, council tax, insurance, maintenance; my name is not on the deeds. I was fortunate to have them as parents.

OP, I would tell him he needs to find some place to live, there will be no moving back in as it will ruin your relationship. He can claim UC.

NFW I'd allow back in an adult who was so entitled they saw it as a free doss house with services provided or who would even dream of ringing me to do PA work for them. Fair enough if you offer, but honestly, fuck having to push back with stupid answers other than 'No' or consider going away from your own home to get out of being the house elf.

@Wouldyougivemeamortgage

Wow, if this thread had been written by a step parent I wonder how the responses would differ?

Oh, it would be 'You have a husband problem' and 'No way!'

Why do people charge extra adults they're not related to rent at all then?
Who moves people they're not related to in at all?!

@Thisismytimetoshine

Why do people charge extra adults they're not related to rent at all then? Who moves people they're not related to in at all?!

People who have lodgers. But of course, lazy adult children who expect their mum to cook for them, be their PA and skivvy are fully entitled to all that for free or she's just 'mean' and 'doesn't like him'. If it's so easy and no bother to fully absorb the cost of another adult in a home and provide all services for free, then why on Earth do people even charge lodgers, after all, it's sort of the same thing except the person in this instance is an adult who is related to the OP, but somehow so many think she should just lie back and take it. Because she knows damn well he won't stick to ground rules.

And like it or not, it costs money to maintain an extra adult fully, that's why people get charged rent and bills when they live on their own.

But lodgers are a commercial transaction . It's not remotely the same thing!

You literally let the room for the rent, not because you want the actual person in question as part of your household 😂

@Thisismytimetoshine

But lodgers are a commercial transaction . It's not remotely the same thing! You literally let the room for the rent, not because you want the actual person in question as part of your household 😂

She doesn't want the actual person as part of her household, This, because he'll take the piss. They'll be expected to keep him for free plus provide full services. That's about as funny as a maggot sandwich. 😂😂😂

He grew up in the household, comparisons to a random lodger installed purely for the £'s are ridiculous.

@Thisismytimetoshine

He grew up in the household, comparisons to a random lodger installed purely for the £'s are ridiculous.

He grew up there. He's now an adult. Who expects to live for free and have maid and PA service? If it's no big deal to accommodate an adult for free as long as they like then people wouldn't charge for it. The fact is that it does cost money to keep another person, and the fact that he expects even that for free (and cooking, cleaning and PA services) on top of that is quite indicative of how he sees his mother because he'd never expect that of anyone else and entitled AF and a huge red flag that it's a bad idea to have him move back in.

I grew up in the house my parents still own. At no point did I believe that entitled me to live in that house again for free, have my mother plate up food for me or cook extra (extra work), pick up my fucking dry cleaning or iron my clothes so I could go out, because that is all work and and expense and that's why people charge for it and when you're an adult you act like one and accept that part of being an adult is paying your own way and pulling your own weight in life.

On the contrary, I was grateful for their taking me in, I was in my 20s still which of course they'd always be willing to do. But quite frankly, if I'd have expected cooking on tap (leave mine in the oven), made a mess and not cleaned up after myself, expected them to run after me and pick up my dry cleaning, do my laundry or left laundry in the washing machine expecting a fairy to take it out and peg it out or behaved like a spoilt teenager they'd have, quite rightly, thrown me out and not let me back in to do it again.

Well, I wouldn't be offering maid or pa services, expected or not. If op is such a pushover that she immediately rushes into the kitchen / laundry room to don her pinny, that's her lookout.
She could try expecting him to act like a grownup. Insisting if necessary. He can't make her wait on him.
I don't wait on my younger teens who haven't yet left home.

@MellowBird85

Sounds like you dont like him very much

I’ve noticed that this is the token, passive aggressive phrase of MN. Christ, is it too much to expect your adult offspring to stand on their own two feet after you’ve bent over backwards for them for 18+ years?

Yes because on MN kids are off on their own on their 18th birthday and they must ever expect to be parented again. Also the OP definitely gives off the impression that she doesn't like her son.

FWIW he wouldn't expect to stay for free, but would no doubt expect to pay just an agreed amount towards bills (far less than it costs to live in a house share).

Anyway, it's not about the money, we can afford to let him stay. It's just having another adult in the house (our house isn't huge), extra chores, extra cleaning, having to take an extra person's dietary likes/dislikes into account, having someone come in late and noisily from a night out etc. All of which I can happily deal with short term, just not indefinitely.

Also the OP definitely gives off the impression that she doesn't like her son.

Why do I? Just because I don't want to be going back to mothering him as an adult? He's very good company and I love him very much, I just don't wish to be clearing up after him (or any other extra additions to the household for that matter!)

Society does not expect men to behave well / equally in marriage

Because you won't even talk to him about it first or give him a chance. You have very negative opinions about what it will be like. How can you have a good relationship with him when you can't even discuss your concerns?

Opps I copied that from another thread. Meant the below quote:

Why do I? Just because I don't want to be going back to mothering him as an adult?

Also the OP definitely gives off the impression that she doesn't like her son.

She definitely doesn’t. And, believe it or not, there is a happy medium between kicking your kid out on their 18th birthday and expecting your 20 odd year old (who has previously been self-sufficient, in full time employment and had own home) to not be yo-yoing back to you indefinitely and expecting to be treated like a 13 year old again.

@MellowBird85

Also the OP definitely gives off the impression that she doesn't like her son.

She definitely doesn’t. And, believe it or not, there is a happy medium between kicking your kid out on their 18th birthday and expecting your 20 odd year old (who has previously been self-sufficient, in full time employment and had own home) to not be yo-yoing back to you indefinitely and expecting to be treated like a 13 year old again.

Well we can have different opinions. OP hasn't even spoken to her son about this. She is assuming she will have to baby him but nobody is saying she has to but her.

She is assuming she will have to baby him but nobody is saying she has to but her.

Well, since I've known him for many years I kind of have a good idea of how things will pan out. He very much enjoys being here because he gets treated well and I strongly suspect he will expect the royal treatment if he moves in, especially as I work part time so will have more time to do jobs.

However, I've taken all the the advice on board and will be having a lengthy discussion with him and DH before anything is decided.

I think you just need ground rules. If you’re cooking anyway, why not leave him a meal for when he gets back from work. Equally when you’re at work can he not come home and cook for you all? My brother (and his girlfriend) moved back to my parents house to save. They stayed 6 years but it’s made a massive difference to their lives. At 33 they had built their own house have no mortgage etc... I hope that I’d always be able to offer the same to my children if and when the time comes. My home will always be their home too.